Friday, August 03, 2018

In an LA restaurant, Kendal Jenner's Doberman bit a little girl. Witnesses say it was skinny, dim-witted and docile, but suddenly turned vicious. And besides Kendal, the dog was mean too. 

Wally Patoots and the Nay-Nay Boots, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

Having one of those "Pull the blanket up hard and snag your big toe's toenail and bend it back" kind of days.

Nothing in Alanis Morissette's  "Ironic" was ironic. They were just mild to awful bummers. #InaccurateSongMeanings

In Florida, a drunk man on a beer run chased customers at a convenience store with a four-foot alligator under his arm. In a related story, a bill was proposed to change the Florida state flag to a guy buying beer with an alligator under his arm.

As Florida stories go, this was classy because, A, nobody was on meth, and, B, nobody was naked except the alligator.

When I was about six, I was convinced that my friend Ricky Horchner's hot mom was somehow related to Betty Rubble because I had a crush on both.

Is it just me, or does Rudy Giuliani look like the retired guy at McDonald's lecturing the cashier how he remembers when customer service mattered?

My favorite team, the Chicago Cubs, lost to my third favorite team, the San Diego Padres 6-1.

My second favorite team is whoever is playing the New York Mets.

The Chicago Cubs lost to the San Diego Padres 6-1. 

This is the baseball equivalent of when the Olympic sprinter lets the Special Olympian win the race.

Brookstone has filed for bankruptcy. Who could have guessed having mall-walkers lie in a vibrating lounge chair nobody ever bought was not a solid business plan?

Ivanka Trump said she was vehemently against the separation of immigrant families. And by vehemently, she means she did absolutely nothing about it.

Three politicians made enemies of the press: Joe McCarthy, Richard Nixon, and Gary Hart. It ended badly for all three.

In a German prison, a pedophile serial killer died when masturbating with cables attached to his nipples and penis electrocuting himself. “And you are welcome,” said God.