Wednesday, March 07, 2018

Another winter storm has hit the East. It is so cold, people are shaking like Sam Nunberg hearing pounding on his door.

If there was any justice, this latest winter Nor’easter would be called Stormy Daniels. But if there was any justice, Kobe Bryant would not have one more Oscar than Richard Burton. 

The man who tried to steal Francis McDormand’s Oscar, Terry Bryant, will be arraigned on felony grand theft. Apparently the inclusion rider does not include kleptomaniacs.  

Donald Trump’s top economic advisor, Gary Cohn, has resigned. In a related story, they have installed a revolving door in the front of the White House.

Donald Trump’s top economic advisor, Gary Cohn, has resigned and he is being sued by porn star, Stormy Daniels. This is not rearranging deck chairs on the Titanic, this is Capt. Smith announcing, “Don’t worry about that iceberg, we’re going to Hawaii.” 

Another huge snowstorm has hit much of the country. And in California, it got so cool, some people turned off their ceiling fans.

Rumor has it Donald Trump imposed the steel tariff in fury over another issue. That’s not like Trump to cover up a problem with something else. Oh, right. His hair.

Since you asked:

Like many people, I had good luck with teachers. Unfortunately, because teachers are so underpaid, the majority of teachers become teachers for all the right reasons. Although there were a few “teachers” who doing it for the job security, i.e. tenure, but mostly they were drivers education teachers and gym teachers.

My high school advisor, Morris Barfield, an Algebra teacher, was a living saint. He not only is responsible for my graduating from high school despite setting a record for under achieving that probably still stands. He also was such a good and kind human that he taught me anyone who would be racist against him was evil. 

When I had to pass a tough commodities math exam to get my commodities license as a broker, I promised myself I would call Mr. Barefield and thank him for all he did for me if I passed. 

I did and I did. 

To this day, I can remember Mr. Barefield choking up on the phone with gratitude. Besides telling my mom and dad how much I loved them when they were going through a rough time with my troubled brother, it was the best phone call I ever made.

And my creative writing teacher at the Harvard-of-the-South Bay, Cal. State Long Beach, Mr. Walthers, a certified hippy, taught me how fun writing could be with his boundless and infectious enthusiasm for both writing and reading. 

And I had the greatest harmonica teacher who ever lived, Paco Shipp. Paco turned an enthusiastic, but utterly unversed  in technique harmonica player into an actual - on rare occasions - professional harmonica player.  

But one of the biggest a-holes I have ever met was a professor of rhetoric at UCSB. He was an unmitigated sadistic egomaniac named Roland Quimby. 

Roland Quimby was too smart not to know what he was teaching, ancient rhetoric, was utterly useless, so he taught it to us out of spite with an ugly vengeance. And he had been at UCSB so long, his job was ironclad, no matter how much we students hated him.

And we hated him with a passion. 

With the mask of a gentle, bearded white-haired pipe-smoking professor, Roland Quimby cruelly tortured students with his impossibly rigid and punitive methods. If you did not parrot what he said, he gave you an F. 

Once he actually gave me an F Minus. Until that time, I had no idea F-minuses existed. 

One of the more useless things Quimby forced us to learn was an utterly bullshit rhetorical device which he alleged you could use to answer any question of any topic, no matter how complex, simply by a cheesy trick of rephrasing the question in a positive or negative way.  

On the opposite side of the humorless and useless Quimby is the awesome humorist, Calvin Trillen, who joked any question can be answered sufficiently to appear intelligent - despite the clear lack of knowledge -  with either, “It is too close to call,” or “It is too soon to tell.” 

Sarah Huckabee Sanders appears to be versed in both schools, but more in the Roland Quimby school of asshole rhetoric. 

Press: "Is it true respected economist, Gary Cohn, quit because Donald Trump ignored his advice not to put a tariff on steel?"

SHS: "Gary Cohn's resignation has specifically not anything to do with Donald Trump's tariff on steel."

Sarah doesn't even have to know or care to know who Gary Cohn is or what a steel tariff is. She just spews out a response to make Trump look good.

SHS answers any and all questions from the press with a useless rhetorical device of claiming Trump knowingly did the right thing no matter how stupid and awful the thing he actually did.

And Donald Trump once defended Nazis. 

Tuesday, March 06, 2018

Another winter storm has hit much of the Northeast. It is so cold, people were shaking like Sam Nunberg waking up hungover realizing he did all those interviews drunk.

An Australian man found a 132-year-old message in a bottle. The message just said, “Tell Sting this would make a great song,” signed, Larry King.” 

The good news is North Korea has invited South Korean diplomats for a dinner. The bad news it is BYOD. Bring Your Own Dachshund. 

Between Sam Nunberg, Stephen Miller, Steve Bannon and Omarosa, you can’t help but be impressed by the people Donald Trump chooses. Just kidding. We’re screwed.

Today is National Oreo Day. Fun fact: did you know lining up a trial of Oreos to the podium is how they get Sarah Huckabee Sanders to talk to the press? 

One of the most impressive rookies at the NFL combine is linebacker, Shaquem Griffin, who has one hand. Even the scouts were giving him a High-Zero. 

The President of China declared himself president-for-life and Donald Trump thinks he should too. Interesting from a guy who might not be president-for-the-next-news-cycle.

Happy National Oreo Day, the 107th anniversary of the Oreo cookie. Finally something even the Trump White House can unscrew.

Happy National Oreo Day. Between porn star, Stormy Daniels and “Playboy” Playmate, Karen McDougal, Even if it is just an Oreo, it will be nice to have Trump unscrew something for a change. 

Since you asked: 

Do I really need to point out the difference between George Clooney and the rest of us? But it is really the difference between when someone has luck going their way, so it just keeps going and going. And going.

Luck likes luck. 

George and his drinking buddy, Rande Gerber, who, speaking of luck. happens to be married to Cindy Crawford, decide to go drinking down in Cabo San Lucas. 

Personally, I have been to Cabo San Lucas at least ten times. Two windsurfing trips, a trip with my wife, Virginia and friends, two bachelor parties and the rest boys trips. 

Cabo San Lucas is magical. It is at the tip of a Peninsula with the Sea of Cortez on one side and the Pacific Ocean on the other. Cabo San Lucas has a magical old Hollywood-like stuck-in-the-50’s feel to it.  

What kind of magic does Cabo San Lucas hold? A buddy of mine was staying at a hotel, Dos Delfines, (two dolphins) on the beach. The hotel was nice but not too expensive, and my buddy was sitting out by the pool with his girlfriend. Who walks out to the pool wearing a big black hat, a leopard-skin cape, a cane for looks and a Speedo? Keith Richards clutching with his own personal bottle of Jack Daniels. My friend asks Keith for a shot, Keith happily pours one for him.

That’s Cabo. 

So George and Rande - with a fricken E - go down there, go out to a nice restaurant and start talking to the bartender. He offers them a shot of their own homemade tequila. It is good. They buy a few bottles. They decide to make more. They build a small distillery. They call the tequila Casamigos. 

Long story short, George and Rande’s mom and pop tequila company they started for fun on vacation, Casamigos, gets bought out for about one billion dollars.

Like I said, I have been to Cabos ten times. Have had crazy times at the Giggling Marlin, Squid Row and Cabo Wabo, the joint owned by Sammy Hagar. But the most fun is always at small, local bars.

Ran into a UCSB track buddy and we had a foot race in front of the Giggling Marlin which I won despite cutting my foot on a broken beer bottle. Went windsurfing up the road at Los Barrilles, (the barrels) where dolphins breached alongside my board. 

But to the best of my recollection, I did not go out drinking one night and end up selling a tequila company for one billion dollars. 

Sunday, March 04, 2018

Nobody was hurt, but Mammoth Mountain, CA had a huge avalanche. Donald Trump said he would have run into the avalanche without a shovel.

Nobody was hurt, but Mammoth CA had a huge avalanche. When she heard about something that powerful and white, Hope Hicks began dating the avalanche.

Roger Bannister, the man who first broke the four-minute mile barrier, passed away at 88. Well so much for running being good for you.

A study claims California has the lowest quality of life. Oprah had no comment while she was basking in her gold bathtub sipping cabernet on a cliff over-looking the ocean during a 74 degree sunset in February in Santa Barbara.

A study claims California has the lowest quality of life. “This is great news,”  said the New York man kicked out of his squalid $5,000-a-month apartment by an infestation of roaches.

It is the one-year anniversary of a San Francisco man biting the finger off a bartender who would not serve him, and the police have no leads. They had a hot tip, but they lost it.  

Donald Trump had a line of steaks, a brand of vodka and four casinos fail. This guy could not sell eating meat, gambling and drinking to Americans. If he owned a brothel he could cure sex addiction.

A California couple was arrested for child abuse for living with their three children in a feces and urine filled box in the dessert for four years. On the bright side, now we know where Heidi Montag and Spencer Pratt are.

Failed Senate candidate, Roy Moore is broke and asking for money to defend himself against a charge of pedophilia. Anyone looking to donate to Moore, call 1-800-Poor-Perv.

Failed Senate candidate, Roy Moore is broke and asking for money for legal expenses. For some reason, teenage girls are not lining up to pay for rides on Roy’s horse, Sassy, like they used to.

Since you asked: 

Do you want to know how much Spirit Airlines hates customers? Spirit Airlines is well known for canceling flights that are not full using the bullet-proof excuse of mechanical problems. 

One night in Fort Lauderdale, a couple years ago, they cancelled nine flights claiming sudden mechanical difficulties on nine different planes all at once. This left hundreds of passengers stranded over night without any compensation from Spirit for hotels. In addition, the Spirit employees at the gate were so rude to the passengers, fights broke out between the Spirit employees and the stranded passengers and police had to be called. 

One of the biggest group of a-holes I have ever seen? The parents of the Chino, CA Legends Girls U-’98 soccer team. They had a bleach-blonde team mom who would stand on our side and swear at our girls and the ref. She was on our side, so if she got a red card, it would go against us. 

One time one our girls came off the field to tell us she, the Legends U-’98 team mom, called her the C-word. She was 14 at the time. 

The Legend parents all cheered when one of our girls got hurt. 

One time at a tournament in Danville, a Legends’ little weasel dad asked us how we were able to upset the Surf when our team was so bad? And, no, I did not punch him, but I genuinely wished I had. 

The kids were fine on the Legends, not like the Slammers who are the most aptly named team in sports. The Legends parents proved, once again, there is nothing more intolerable than snotty, white trash.

At a time when we have never had more a-holes, most people do not think they're an a-hole. But if you were a parent of either the Slammers or Legends Girls U-'98 teams? You're an a-hole.

Or if you're employed by Spirit Airlines.

One of the best life-hacks there is for guys is shaving in the shower. Have not bought a can of shaving cream in 30 years. And those disposable four-blade razors last forever because your beard gets so soft in the shower.