Saturday, August 15, 2015

President Obama played golf with former president Bill Clinton at Martha’s Vineyard. Hillary Clinton was supposed to join them, but she never answered her email.

The Oakland A’s have called up from the minor leagues a pitcher, Pat Venditte, who can throw with both hands. When Pat Venditte switches to his left hand, he goes by the name Caitlyn Venditte.

Former football player, Herschel Walker, has endorsed Donald Trump. But OJ Simpson thinks Trump should go for the jugular more.

Did you hear they are planning to make a biopic about New York Jet Antonio Cromartie who has fathered 12 kids with eight mothers? Its called “Straight Out of Condoms.”

The Buffalo Bills picked up Dolphin’s bullying scandal bully, Richie Incognito, and the linebacker that broke Jets QB, Geno Smith’s jaw, IK. Enemkpali. And rumor has it, the Bills will name Donald Trump as head of media relations and Bill Cosby as the director of cheerleaders.

Friday, August 14, 2015

Them cats is greazy and these takes are hot, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

Astronomers agree the universe is dying and it only has a few billion years left. So can we all agree to stop wasting time on the Kardashians?

Snoop Dogg’s son, Cordell Broadus, has quit the UCLA football team. Cordell decided to skip the grueling two-a-day practices when he suddenly remembered his father is filthy rich.

Cordell decided his father did not give him enough support when he did not beat up one single UCLA coach like Puff Daddy did for his son, Justin.

There is evidence William Shakespeare smoked marijuana. They found an unfinished play “Henry the 420th.”

A new CNN poll has Donald Trump leading Ben Carson in Iowa, but only by a hair.

Donald Trump announces he is buying Cecil the lion’s pelt to make a Confederate flag out of it. And his poll numbers soar.

A woman in Florida left her two kids in the car while she drank in a bar and had her 4-year-old son blow into the breathalyzer so she could drive. Or as they call that in Florida: Ingenuity.

The Chicago Cubs have won seven games in a row. Why do I keep hearing Bill Murray in “Ghost Busters” saying; “Dogs sleeping with cats, mass hysteria.”?

Two top advisors have quit the Trump campaign. They’re making a film out of the Donald Trump campaign: “Straight Out of Competence.”

The singer, Jewel, announced she is writing a book. “Wow, that is great news,” said the year 1996.

The singer, Jewel, announced she is writing a book called “Picking Up the Pieces.” To which everyone under 30 said; “Who is Jewel?” And everyone under 25 said; “What’s a book?’

When did Tom Brady turn into a modern-day Jan-Michael Vincent?

Thursday, August 13, 2015

“Sesame Street” is moving to HBO. On a special episode of “Girls,” Miss Piggy will dish why Kermit was a bad lover.

“Sesame Street” is moving to HBO. The Count will help keep track of the dead bodies on “Game of Thrones.” “One, one decapitated body. Two, two decapitated bodies, hahahah.”

278th ranked Tiger Woods dropped another F-bomb on live TV at the PGA Championship in Wisconsin. And they way Tiger was putting, the F-bombs were the only thing dropping.

6.5, 288 pound Houston Texans star, J.J. Watt told “Sports Illustrated” he eats 9,000 calories a day. Or as Chris Christie calls that: lunch.