Saturday, July 04, 2015

Donald Trump got in a Twitter feud with “Modern Family” writer, Danny Zuker and Trump got scorched. Zuker told Trump all his selfies qualified as dick-pics. Trump shot back with; 'You're a loser, Zuker." Ouch.

Fara Williams – no relation to Pharrell Williams – scored a penalty kick for England against Germany making her happy all the same.

Things keep getting worse for Donald Trump. At a Fourth of July parade, that thing on Trump’s head was seen waving a Confederate Flag.

Rough 4th of July for Donald Trump. The fireworks scared that thing on the top of his head to run away.

Friday, July 03, 2015

Donald Trump insulted Mexican immigrants even though his men’s clothing line is made in Mexico. Folks, do you realize what this means? In America, you can be a billionaire even if you’re a total moron.

The Tour De France is here and there are only three Americans entered in the race. That’s two more than there are American sports fans who care about the Tour De France.

The Skytrax ranking of the world’s 100 airlines is out and there isn’t one US airline in the top twenty and Spirit Airlines did not even make the list. In a related story, Spirit Airlines is now charging passengers a $50 “We did not make the list” fee.

Since you asked:

Donald Trump is Graveyard Dead

This is not about politics. This is about celebrity. As a celebrity, Donald Trump has a serious case of Paris Hiltonitis.

Paris Hiltonitis is when someone, who was once a popular celebrity, becomes a despised bad joke the public hates.

Rosie O’Donnell, Paula Deen, Justin Beiber, Bill Cosby, Lance Armstrong, Brian Williams and Tiger Woods all have a serious case of Paris Hiltonitis.

My litigant, Conan O’Brien, who does not have Paris Hiltonitis, but could soon (Will explain more about that later) used to do a bit back when Paris Hilton first got in DUI trouble, where he started to announce in a joke;

“Paris Hilton is going to jail . . . “

The audience’s cheering and applause was so loud and long, the bit was Conan would go on a break while they finished cheering wildly for five minutes. Get his shoes polished. Eat nachos. Get a massage.  Then the Consky O’Bonesky would return to the stage to finish the joke.

This bit went on for a solid week.

How is it possible nobody close to Paris told her about this;

“Paris, you’ve become a punch line to all slutty spoiled brat jokes, you know that, right?”

Nobody ever told her until it was too late. Since then, Paris, to her credit, has gone away.  

Somebody once asked Paris, during her heyday, how she thought she was thought of by the public. Her straight-faced and honest response was;

“Last month I was Googled more than Jesus.”

Donald Trump has the same thing going. This is what happens when wealthy a-holes become utterly surrounded by butt-smoochers who want to keep their butt-smoocher job.

Donald Trump got canned by NBC before he insulted Mexican immigrants as drug dealers and rapists. They kicked him off his own show, “Celebrity Apprentice." Trump tried to spin it that he left the show to run for president. That, like most things Trump says, is a bold-faced lie.

My litigant, Conan O’Brien, had gone backstage and talked to Trump about what they were going to talk about. O’Brien wanted to make sure it was OK with Trump to talk about one of Trump’s many celebrity feuds – I think this one was with Rosie O’Donnell – and Trump said yes.

As soon as Trump came out and O’Brien brought the feud up, Trump lied that he had not agreed to talk about Rosie. O’Brien was dumbfounded. But Trump kept lying. O’Brien - who is used to dealing with difficult prima donnas – was beside himself.

Not positive, but I don’t think Trump has not been back on “Conan” since.

Donald Trump is a pathological liar. Ask anyone who has ever invested in a public Trump offering. No Trump-related public investment offering has ever made money. Not one.

A bad Q-rating (measure of public likability) is not always bad for business. People still love to hate the Kardashians and Justin Bieber and Tiger Woods and, last time I checked, they were still worth hundreds of millions. 

Take Kim Kardashian. People still love to hate her. Her Q-rating is negative - meaning people like to dislike her. Like a car wreck, they still have to watch her shows and buy her perfumes and magazines. But if Kim does one more really shallow and stupid thing, like marry and divorce a Kris Humphries-type in 72 days, she would be as dead as Trump is now becoming.

Donald Trump has an ego so outsized he will not pay and listen to a savvy public relations expert tell him the truth.

And what is the Donald Trump public relations truth?

The truth is Donald Trump has recently quickly devolved from a funny oddity – the rich, sour-looking, orange, fat-face, the circus-act hair, horrible, gold-plated gaudy taste, the affected New Jersey tough-guy accent – sliding all the way down into the personification of everything that is wrong with out-of-touch wealthy, pompousness, entitlement, arrogance and rudeness. And yes, ala Paula Deen, now including racism. (Remember when The Donald said; "I love the blacks . . ."?) The blacks. He loves them.

If you follow the past trajectory of celebrities with a serious case of Paris Hiltonitis, if they are smart at all – and Trump cannot possibly be as big a moron as he is acting now about Mexico – to recover at all, Trump will have to vanish for a long time.

If not forever.

But Trump is polling second behind Jeb Bush is the republican race, you say. That is only because Trump is the only other person besides Bush whose name people recognize. One poll had only 1% considering Trump a serious presidential candidate. 

Tiger Woods had all the spin-hacks working for him at Nike, NBC and IMG and even he managed to step all over his, well, Tiger’s Wood. He had a sordid affair. That affair Tiger had destroyed their phony “Look at me, I am a nice guy dating Lindsay Vonn, a pretty fellow star NBC athlete” public relations re-building facade.

The Donald, like with Paris, Rosie, "Jersey Shore's" The Situation, Paula Deen and Tiger Woods, they all prove once a world-class a-hole, always a world-class a-hole. That is a bell that cannot be un-rung.

Once the public relations blood flow goes from the nose-bleed trickle of an amusing popular curiosity to the pulsating throat-gash gushing of being a despised bad joke, the press piranhas attack and there is no putting the toothpaste back in the tube to mix two or three more metaphors.

As the great writer, Dan Jenkins - who does not mix metaphors - said of Tiger Woods, is also true of Donald Trump:

Donald Trump is graveyard dead.

Thursday, July 02, 2015

There is a new dating website for well-endowed men called 7-OrBetter. The website brings a whole new meaning to the term Logging In.

There are three Bruce Jenner streets in the US. Not only will they have to change their names to Caitlyn, but they’ll have to change the direction of the street.

Wednesday, July 01, 2015

In Dana Point, CA, a woman broke both of her ankles when a 600 pound dolphin jumped into their boat. The dolphin was fine and swam away. “Flipper? It damn near killed her.”

There is a dating site for well-endowed men called 7-OrBetter and it has attracted over 60,000 women. And no, I will not give you my password. 

There is a dating site for well-endowed men called 7-OrBetter and it has attracted over 60,000 women and a lot of men who are apparently very bad at math.

In sad news, Ben Affleck and Jennifer Garner are getting divorced. If you are happy about this information, you can log on to the new website: “You have no”

In sad news, Ben Affleck and Jennifer Garner are getting divorced. Oh great, And right after I just bought the domain name Bennifer.

 In sad news, Ben Affleck and Jennifer Garner are getting divorced. Insiders say Ben has become quite difficult since winning his second Oscar. When asked to comment, Ben said; “I told you not to look me in the eyes.”

Tuesday, June 30, 2015

In sad news, Ben Affleck and Jennifer Garner are getting divorced. Look for Affleck’s next movie; “Good Will and Prenupt Hunting.”

In sad news, Ben Affleck and Jennifer Garner are getting divorced. Divorces are stressful, I wonder where they could go to get a supplemental insurance to cover rising medical expenses?