Friday, June 19, 2015

Howlin' Wolf - Spoonful

In Maryland, a high-paid stud horse of 19 years died of a heart attack while providing his stud service. In other words, a Conan, Conaned while Conaning.

Funeral services are pending as soon as the vet can get the casket lid shut.

In Maryland, a horse died of a heart attack while performing his stud services. Funeral services for the horse named Conan O’Brien to be announced.

Thursday, June 18, 2015

Is there a question anywhere in our future, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers?

When Donald Trump gave his speech announcing his candidacy, he hired actors to be in the crowd. They had to act like Trump was funny, smart and a good candidate. In other words, they had to be tremendous actors.

Or as Trump’s parents used to call hiring actors: Donald’s birthday party guests.

Studies show chimpanzees like to cook and get drunk. In addition to throwing feces and grooming, chimps love to cook and get drunk. So, except for the grooming part, chimps are just like Guy Fieri.

Congratulations to Benedict Cumberbatch and his wife, Sophie Hunter on their new baby boy. So here is to baby Dinkerbinger Harvey Wallbanger Cumberbatch.

The FBI is investigating if the St. Louis Cardinals hacked the Houston Astros data base. The Cardinals were going to hack the Philadelphia Phillies too, but the Phillies are so pathetic, their computer is a FAX machine.

The Chicago Blackhawks had their victory parade in Chicago. There was a special moment when a high school student named Ferris grabbed the microphone danced on a float and sang “Danke Schoen” and “Twist and Shout.”

NBC News is going to announce Lester Holt will be the full time anchor, and Brian Williams will be appointed to an unnamed position. An anonymous source close to Brian Williams said that position may or may not involve investigating news stories while leading covert special operatives missions against top terrorists.

The Blackhawks are celebrating their Stanley Cup win, in golf, the US Open is in Washington State and the US women’s soccer team has advanced in the World Cup. This couldn’t be a whiter time in sports if sports was spray-tanned and president of the Spokane NAACP.

A former Baltimore Ravens cheerleader has pleaded guilty to having sex with a then-15-year-old boy. She is charged with unlawful sexual contact and the boy will be charged with never being able to top this for the rest of his life.

Since you asked:

We get it, fans of European Futbol. You’re more sophisticated than us US sports fans. You drink fancy coffees and beers in 1,000 year-old pubs. Your players wear kits and boots with studs, we only have cleats. You line up in cues. We are mouth-breathing, mulling-about Neanderthals.

Here is a list of things the ten things wrong with soccer as far as American sports fans are concerned:

1, Flopping.

2, Flopping.

3, Flopping. (The women don’t do it, it is just the men) US sports has LeBron James playing after a camera cracks his head open like a coconut. NHL players play after spitting out teeth. NFL players play with broken bones. MLB take 95-MPH fastballs to the back and take first base.

And yet some dainty little soccer dude with a fauxhawk named Rendolfiano gets his ear flipped and he acts out the death scene in “Carmen.” Just dress the guy in a onesie with Snoopies on it.

4, The refs suck. The refs are FIFA scumbags without the shiny suits and holding the bag of money with dollar signs on it. Every single primma donna ref has his or her own idea of what constitutes off sides, a handball and a foul. And none are the same.  

5, We understand the World Cup, but that is it. All the dozens of European Premier leagues with teams coming in and out, names changing from sponsors to different cities to different countries playing for four different championships.

And then you throw in teams who borrow players and play “Friendlies” and the whole thing is just, well, too damn European. We have a Super Bowl. We have a World Series. We have NBA and NHL championships. No friendlies. No borrowing.

6, The marching out holding hands with kids is cute. Too cute. Stop doing it. Before a game the teams are supposed to hate each other. After the game they can do that weird futbol-y thing and hug, kiss and exchange kits. You can hold hands with kids and walk off when the game is over. How about that?

 7, Extra time. There is no such thing as extra time. We have Sudden Death and soccer has extra time. That sums up so much.

8, Unlike in the exciting sport of hockey, soccer players never pull the goalie. They should be allowed to pull the goalie. They should be allowed to substitute with shifts, like in hockey.

9, We call it soccer. Why? Because our Football makes your Futbol look like a junior high play. We have bone-crushing tackles and fighter jets flying overhead. So we have called it soccer, we call it soccer, we will always call it soccer. Get used to it.

10, In soccer, you can use your head but you can’t use your hands. Sorry, but that is just fundamentally effed up.

Listening to Bubba Watson whining about having to wait to tee off three minutes later is more than a little annoying. I suggest he picks up a weapon and stand a post. Either way, I don't give a damn when Bubba feels he's entitled to tee off.

(Yes, I went full Jessup on Bubba's ass) 

The US Open is at Chambers Bay in Washington and is being broadcast by Fox Sports 1. They have the awesome sports host Curt Menefee. For sports fans everywhere, I would like to paraphrase Bob Hope and sing;

"Thanks for the Menefees . . . " 

My new go-to potato recipe:

Lex’s Steak-Prepared Parmesan Hash Browns.

Store-bought frozen hash browns. Heat and oil (olive or vegetable)  skillet. Sprinkle in hash browns. Salt and  pepper liberally. Sear both sides about three-to-four minutes each until slightly brown.

Place skillet in 450 degree oven for 17 minutes. Take them out, flip them and sprinkle shredded parmesan cheese on them. Five more minutes in the oven to melt the cheese. Serve with ketchup with either a medium rare steak or over medium eggs.