Saturday, January 17, 2015

The Chicago Cubs’ Wrigley Field bleachers will not be ready for the start of the season. Sort of like the Chicago Cubs.
The 1986 white Testarossa, used on Miami Vice, is for sale for $1.75 million. This car is white. It is so white it could run for president as a republican.

Last week, a Delta flight from Cleveland to New York took off with just two passengers. And there still wasn’t enough room for their luggage in the overhead bins.

A dog in Seattle takes the bus to the dog park by herself. People in Los Angeles were shocked. They have buses?

There is a controversy over how all the best actor Oscar nominees are white. The Oscars are so white, they could give an awkward high five to LeBron James.

Former NBA player and CBS analyst, Greg Anthony, has been suspended for the season after his arrest for soliciting a prostitute in Washington DC. How is it even possible, in Washington DC, to tell the difference between a politician and a hooker?

There is a controversy over how all the best actor Oscar nominees are white. Not only that, but all the best actor nominees are men.

Deep thoughts by Lex:

All these accusations at Bill Cosby, are we just going to ignore the elephant in the room that Bozo the Clown was a child molester?

There isn’t an accounting teacher alive who can explain to me how Potpourri stores stay in business.

How is it possible that, when I drive to the grocery store, it takes forever to find a parking spot. But when I leave, it takes forever because of all the cars pulling out of parking spots?

How come when I crack my knuckles, the sound doesn’t bother me? But when everyone else does it, it is gross. Same with farts.

If orange is the new black, what is the old black?

Words that have never been spoken:

I’m getting kind of tired of all the money I’m making on my blog and podcasts.

One of my super powers is, no matter how empty a grocery store is, to have somebody standing right smack in front of what I want to get.

A few days ago I am by the meat counter having a friendly chat with the butcher. Nobody else around. Suddenly this old guy in a funky hat stands next to me, so close that our shoulders were touching. And then he sticks his head in front of me to get a closer look at the meat. 

The butcher and I start cracking up. When the butcher wrapped my order, a big ol ribeye, and put the price label on it, he asked me if there was anything else I needed. I said:

“Yeah, could I get about two feet of personal space?”

The old guy did not think I was funny at all.

Friday, January 16, 2015

We are thinking seriously of using black dye to make Wally look like a panda for Halloween. Good idea or great idea? 

The Chinese man who had his penis cut off twice by his wife was named Fan Lung and his wife was Feng Lung. Their names were not Noh Wang and Dik Hak, as reported earlier.
There is a controversy over how all the best actor Oscar nominees are white. The Oscars are so white, even Donald Sterling thinks they’re too white.

The New Oakland Raiders coach, Jack Del Rio, admitted in a press conference the Oakland Raiders “need some work.” The invention of a time machine needs some work, the Oakland Raiders are a freaking mess.

In Seattle, a dog takes the bus by itself to the dog park. People in L.A. are shocked. Somebody rides a public bus?