Saturday, January 18, 2014

When guys lie down, we emit two "Ahh's", first when we lie down, second once we've adjusted the boys.

The NFC Championship game features the two hippest cities in the US, Seattle and San Francisco. Cheers will go out of;

 “Go team, even though football is a metaphor for approving of macho violence as a means of expressing rampant xenophobia.”

Friday, January 17, 2014

Whether it is this speed-dating scene in "40-Year-Old Virgin" or Jack's wife in Jack In The Box commercials or Schmidt's scary cougar boss in "New Girl," this woman, Gillian Vigman, just crushes it every time.

Say now, let's not let that rapscallion get all cattywampus on us, see, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers?

Two legs and an arm washed up in Queens out of the East River; as to the identity of the victim, the police are stumped.

Since you asked:

Just when you think you've honed in on just how much of an a-hole Alex Rodriguez is, he goes on to redefine being an a-hole. The guy treats everyone like dirt, including the press, and cannot understand for the life of him why he is portrayed so badly in the press. 

The New York press wants its Yankee stars to be worshipped. They made two guys who were mean fall-down drunks and rampant adulterers, Mickey Mantle and Babe Ruth, into two of the most beloved characters in history.

Joe DiMaggio was a world class cheapskate and a rude, cranky, selfish a-hole, but they managed to make him beloved. 

Even this finely-honed hero-making machine cannot and will not make A-Rod anything but he is; an utterly unlikeable pr*ck. 

Read excepts in "SI" of how A-Rod mentally tortured beloved, talented and famous writer, Richard Ben Cramer. The only good news to come out of this piece was that, for a incredibly physically gifted guy who makes $250 million playing a game, Alex Rodriguez is the most miserably unhappy person in baseball.


Thursday, January 16, 2014

In Utah, a sperm bank employee is in trouble for switching donor’s sperm with his own; his boss told him to quit jerking around.
Even celebrities are excited about the NFL games this weekend; Paris Hilton is for the San Francisco Forty Niners, even though she isn’t sure what sexual position 49 is.
A 22-year-old Irish mountain biker had an accident that gave him an erection for seven weeks; in a related story, his girlfriend had an accident that caused her to walk funny for seven weeks.

He is from Dublin, and his girlfriend’s fun was also Dublin.

Since you asked:

Entered Fallon's hashtag contest with #myawkwarddate. I am not going to win but I should.
On a blind date with a NY super model, she asks me to drop her off at her ex-boyfriend's loft. 
It is also true. 
This big time society player on my flag football team was the top advertisement seller for the New York Times. He was good looking, rich, buffed and he couldn't play football to save his life. As a result, he was always trying to impress me. One day over beers he talked about how fun it is to date Ford Modeling Agency models. He sees I am impressed and promptly sets me up on a blind date. 
When she opened the door to her Soho loft, she was stunning. Striking. Tall. Blonde. Beautiful. Long legs. When we walked into the restaurant, dead silence, forks hit plates. Mouths were agape. That was when the fun ended. 
When we got to the restaurant,  I had switched from a ruggedly handsome and wildly fit ladie's man and Wall Street bond broker, to a pimple-faced, voice-cracking 7th grader who froze solid around girls. 
It made me sick to watch her eat. She ordered swordfish and wiped off every piece she cut with her napkin to get all the fat off of it. Then she excused herself for a 30 minute term in the bathroom - I assume to throw up - and came back noticeably coked up and sniffing constantly.
Turns out I didn't need to talk. She did all the talking while getting sloppy drunk on champagne. Expensive champagne. And all she wanted to talk about was how evil her ex-boyfriend was. He was a model from Brazil who beat her and stole her money for coke and cheated on her. With other male models.  
By the end of dinner, she was loopy- drunk and weepy with sentiment over Pablo or Raul or whatever the hell that douche-bag's name was; she sobbed that she missed him and wanted me to drop her off at his loft in deep Soho. 

Wednesday, January 15, 2014

Bruce Springsteen & Jimmy Fallon: "Gov. Christie Traffic Jam" ("Born To ...

Seriously, WTF?

Both of you go inside and get some damn pants on. Sheesh.

Hone that chone down to the bone, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

The Polar Vortex has gone back up to Canada. Now Toronto Mayor, Rob Ford, can take a crack at it.
In the Panther’s loss to the Forty Niners, the sideline camera caught Panther QB Cam Newton not happy to go back into the game. He looked more miserable than somebody going into an airplane bathroom after New Jersey Gov., Chris Christie.
The Chicago Cubs introduced their new mascot, a cartoon bear cub named Clark the Cub; to say it is not a hit with Cubs fan is an understatement and unless Clark can come out of the bullpen and throw 99 mph, I don’t think Clark will last.
 Now, I don’t want to say there was a lot of drinking at the Golden Globe awards, Sunday, but there was almost a fight when Tom Hanks told Steven Seagal how “Lone Survivor” ends. Just a joke, Steven Seagal would never be invited to the Golden Globes.
During their 24-17 win over the San Diego Chargers, Denver QB, Peyton Manning yelled “Omaha” 44 times. That’s a relief, I thought he was yelling “Yo Mama.”
In addition to the bridge scandal, New Jersey Gov. Chris Christie is accused of using funds for hurricane Sandy for a promotional video with his family. And to think the worst news Christie thought he would hear this month was the Velveeta cheese shortage.
A Southwest Airlines flight to Branson, MO., landed at the wrong airport seven miles away; Spirit Airlines would have charged a $100 Airport Switching fee.
In addition to the bridge scandal, New Jersey Gov. Chris Christie is accused of using funds for hurricane Sandy for a promotional video with his family. Things would actually get better for Christie if he admitted he smoked crack.

Random thoughts:

Omaha, Omaha, Omaha, Omaha, Omaha.

Just when we think the Chicago Cubs have stopped trying to humiliate their fans, they introduce a goofy mascot: Clark the Cub. This thing is the new Coke of mascots.

“Call of Duty: Ghosts” ? So crazy fun. Mindless? Yes, but at least you’re doing something instead of looking at Honey Boo Boo.

Been tearing it up in the Man Cave. Xbox 360 with “COD:G”, Netflix with “Dexter” and “Frazier” marathons. Surf movies on BluRay. DVD recorded NFL games so I speed through the commercials. It is a full on Man Cave-gasm.

Great games this weekend, but it is going to be Seattle and Denver in the Super Bowl.

During the Seattle game, I kept getting a real sense that, if I was 24 and a broker - or writing ad copy or comedy - and got into mountain biking and hiking and SUP surfing, Seattle would be such a kick-ass city. Great fresh salmon, sushi, wine. Great coffee bars, great oyster bars. 

But I loves me my 55-year-old-ass San Diego . . . 

Since you asked:

On “Conan” one of my comedy heroes, Patton Oswalt, told a story about being star-struck when meeting Warren Beatty backstage at a fundraiser. (Patton said Warren was very nice and I believe it wasn't just the typical Hollywood smoke-blowing. He told a story where John Stamos was an utter dick to him) It wasn’t just he was a big star, Warren went on to hit on Kate Hudson. This impressed Patton to no end. Me? I found it disgusting.
Had a very attractive friend in New York who slept with Warren Beatty in 1985. We were such good friends, I invited her over for dinner the next night if she promised to give me all the details. (And I didn’t even cook back then. Think I fixed us omelets)
The pre-sex details were all good and what you would hope for. Warren lived in a lavish suite in the Pierre Hotel on the upper east side. He had really expensive caviar and champagne on ice when she got there, but he was on the phone. He gestured to her to get a glass of the wine and she did.
And then she sat there while he was on an important call for over an hour. (Had the world's most self-absorbed and comically egotistical friend, she used to say - without a hint of irony or humor - "Oh, I have to go, I have an important call on the other line")
When he got off the phone, she said he was really nice and then they just undressed and got in the bed. Like they were playing racketball. 
She said it was just OK. Her old boyfriend was better. We didn’t know what it was called then, but Warren was a practitioner of tantric sex and she was not a big fan. Equipment-wise? Again, just so-so. So when she added in the utter lack of passion and emotion and his double-her-age, he was 48, she was 24, she was not interested in a second “date.”Although she did find him very nice. 
Here’s is my question. This was circa 1985. His last movie was in 1981 with “Reds” which was a hit but was like watching snow fall. Hell, it was watching snow fall. His next movie would not be until 1987 which was “Ishtar.”

What could he have been talking about so long on the phone? How much “Ishtar” was going to suck?