Thursday, January 07, 2010

Whaddya say we all wish a big happy F.U. to Al Gore?

This is a thing, right Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers?

In no time
If you go on the Taco Bell Drive-thru diet, you will lose weight in no time; and I mean that, there is no time when you will ever lose weight.

Not it, her
Tiger Woods is on Vanity Fair. Not the magazine cover, some stripper named Vanity Fair.

How out of shape are we?
Have you seen the commercial for the Taco Bell drive-thru diet? It’s almost as effective as the Snuggie Exercise video.

That adds up
A biography on Warren Beatty claims the actor had sex with 12,775 women; and Tiger Woods had sex with all the rest.

Makes sense
A group of British researchers say the erogenous G-Spot on women does not exist. In a related story, a group of British women say they just can’t have orgasms with nerdy British researchers.

For the adventurer exercisers
A commercial claims a woman lost 54 pounds on the Taco Bell Drive-thru diet. Imagine how much she could have lost if she did the more exercise intense Taco Bell Park and Walk-In Diet?

Have you seen the commercial for the Taco Bell drive-thru diet? Don’t laugh, never underestimate the weight loss potential from contracting explosive diarrhea.

Here you go, girls
Tiger Woods is on the cover of “Vanity Fair” sweaty and shirtless; this is for the women who have not yet seen Tiger sweaty and shirtless, all 32 of you.

Bad news, good news
A Warren Beatty bio claims the actor had sex with 12,775 women and British researchers say the G-Spot on women does not exist; so, guys, the bad news is that Warren Beatty probably slept with your woman. The good news? He couldn’t find her G-Spot either.

Everyone got hurt
A 38-year-old Idaho teacher was sentenced to 20 years for having sex with her 13-year-old student. She isn’t the only one being punished, the 13-year-old’s student’s friends are sentenced to 20 years of listening to him brag about it.

She claims she was tutoring him in math by showing how many times 13 goes into 38.

Not that day
A bio on Warren Beatty claims he had sex with 12,775 women; Warren admits he was a virgin until 20, and he got married at 55. That gives him 35 years divided by 12,775 which equals 365 women a year, one for each day. Except for Valentines Day, where he hid for his dear life.

OK, here is my idea for a relatively inexpensive morning radio show:

Lex’s Comedy Workshop.

From 8:00 AM to 10:00 AM, I will take calls and discuss how I go about trying to write 25 topical jokes a day. We will discuss the news, last night’s monologue jokes and I will take suggestions and advice from callers on which jokes work and which need tweaking as I write them out on our show’s website.

From time to time we will have callers tell jokes and we will award prizes to the winner. In addition, we will post updates from the show on Twitter and Facebook and on my blog. And once a week we will submit a column to the “San Diego Union Tribune” listing the top ten jokes of that week. The blog and the newspaper column will generate more advertising revenue, Twitter and Facebook generating more listeners.

As I just got horribly burned financially from a radio personality I was writing for, I am looking to make up for that lost money. (How is it possible that the guy burned me for an entire quarter’s worth of work, time and money, and he ends up pissed off at me? You can either hose me for three months of payments and effort, or I get to be mad at you, you don’t get to have both )

This, shall we generously call it, financial error will be solved one way or the other in the near future, preferably not legally, but it will be solved.

Tuesday, January 05, 2010

Via Con Dios, Amigos

Fizzy on the tizzy to the bizzy up in this hizzy, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

Magician Hezi Den set a record by spending 64 hours in an ice cube; this breaks the old record set by Bill Clinton on his honeymoon.

Auld Lang Syne is an old Scottish expression that means: I’m just sayin’.

The economy is still rough. Notice how you hear people say they’re tired, but it’s a good tired? You hardly ever hear them say “I’m broke, but it’s a good broke.”

Rush Limbaugh was admitted to the hospital for heart pains, but the test turned out negative. Not negative for heart pains, it turns out Rush doesn’t actually have a heart.

Have you seen the commercial for the Taco Bell drive through diet? Isn’t that like a Captain Morgan’s Alcoholics Anonymous meeting?

The Transportation Security Administration has named Yemen a country of interest for terrorism. Which is like naming strychnine an ingredient of avoidance for cooking.

In Hawaii, Rush Limbaugh was admitted to the hospital for chest pains, but released. Limbaugh said the pain was somewhere between Hillary Clinton and Nancy Pelosi.

A lot of people are blaming their bad year on 2009. Let me tell you something, blaming a bad year on the date, 2009, is like blaming your bad breath on your toothbrush.

In Colorado, Charlie Sheen was arrested in Aspen for domestic violence on Christmas; where is Aspen? In Charlie’s case his Aspen in jail.

Urban Meyer is taking a leave of absence from coaching #1 Florida. You can’t blame him, the guy is busy running his dictionary.

Since you asked:

Another one of my comedy writing clients vanished in the wind. Rest in Peace Clear Channel’s KGB, 101.5’s “Dave, Shelly and Chainsaw Show.”

Apparently Clear Channel claimed their “lucrative offer” was spurned so they fired the “DSC.” From what I heard, as lucrative as the offer was, it was still far below what they had been getting. Apparently Clear Channel is famous for this double-talk when it comes to failed negotiations.

But it was not all Clear Channel being cheap.

By “Dave, Shelly and Chainsaw” demanding higher salaries for the three stars and squeezing the already squeezed and dwindling advertisers for more and more expensive commercial time, which resulted in so many commercials, the show lost listeners and ratings, the “DSC” painted themselves into a corner and out of business.

In my opinion, the best part of the show was the vastly talented Chainsaw’s hourly sports broadcasts – and not just because I sold him sports jokes. Chainsaw’s comedy timing and impersonations were/are amazing. Dave is a funny and talented guy, but his ego was writing checks his listeners got tired of covering. He became more and more rude to callers and testy with his co-workers. Everyone seemed to be walking on egg shells to keep Dave happy. Not fun.

Shelly, the newscaster, was as nice and professional as she could be, but her Nine O’Clock news segment was too long by double. They talked about what Shelly was going to talk about in the news, then she read the 15, ten-too-many, news items, then they talked about each news item during her newscast. Now that I think about it, the news was too long by three times.

Dave was old school and refused to drag his show into the digital future. When traffic reporter Ruth 66 mentioned the show on Facebook, Dave was furious. The KGB website was horribly weak at best and the “DSC” was just a weak attachment. They did nothing on Twitter nor did they maintain a reader comment blog.

But when the show was funny it was like working with the four funniest people you could hope to goof with – lil’ drummer boy/producer Chris Boyer has some great moments when he wasn’t trying to be the world’s biggest load/douche bag. (Other personalities were the aforementioned Ruth 66 and their producer, Emily McGuire)

Sure, I can claim I listened to the show because I got paid – a little – to, but the truth was I liked the show a lot and was a long-time listener, not-once caller. (Listener Lex was my e-mail name)

The emotional investment of their loyal listeners was high, as I can attest, and the “DSC” will be sorely missed.

For a while, that is.

That’s the problem. Listener loyalty is fleeting. It’s like you had three people at your job who you really liked. One day you go to work and they are gone, either quit, fired or hired away. The disappointment is crushing. For about one week. And then you just get on with your new life.

Next? My formula for a fun and interactive comedy morning radio show:

Lex’s Comedy Workshop.

Stay tuned.