Thursday, June 12, 2008

We doin’ that thang that we do when we do how we do, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

How hot is it?

It is so hot in New York, Elliot Spitzer hired a hooker named Windy.

It is so hot in New York, that thing on Donald Trump’s head is molting.

Uh, no Sir, that’s not, oh forget it

A high school in Ohio passed out over 300 diplomas last week. And on the diploma, the word education was spelled wrong. Upon hearing this, President Bush replied, “Yeah, and look at the word diploma, they spelled diplomat wrong.”

Again, uh, no Sir, that’s not, oh forget it

The Abu Dhabi is negotiating to buy 75 percent stake the Chrysler Building. It was awkward, when informed the Chrysler Building may be bought by Abu Dhabi, President Bush said; “Abu Dhabi? Isn’t that what Fred Flintstone says?”

Now that is hot

It is so hot in New York, Barbara Walters had sex with the Good Humor man.


The Tony Awards are on Father’s Day Sunday; let me give you a little tip, with the US Open, NBA finals, baseball games, if your father wants to watch the Tony Awards on Father’s Day, your real father is a turkey baster.

Oh, that’s nice

New York Giant Michael Strahan has retired; Michael wants to spend more time with his orthodontist.

No mas hinky, hinky

Cuba is offering free sex change operations; or as sex change operations are known in Cuba: Adios Hoochie Coochie.

Since you asked:
We are goin’ -and by we, I mean me - to the US Open with my good ol’ buddy Ray. (No relation to Jim Croce’s “Operator” good ol’ ex-friend, Ray, a guy she said she new and sometimes hated)

But he is living in L.A.

When we get to Torrey Pines we are going to have lunch. Isn’t it hilarious how people go to such time and trouble to travel places just to stuff their face? It cracks me up. When the huge Mormon temple opened in the ghetto of La Jolla, La Jolla Colony, people – Mormons I presume – traveled from all over the country – granted mostly Utah and Arizona - just to plop down on a blanket near it and eat lunch.

It probably has something to do with the fact that you can say, hey, we went to the US Open. When somebody asks what you did there, instead of saying standing and watching and occasionally walking, you can say; “We had lunch.”

That and traveling and being outside makes you hungry.

Tuesday, June 10, 2008

We shuckin’ the flizzy up in this here, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

The website Digg ranked the 25 movies that make men cry and “Field of Dreams” was #1. For my money the movie that makes men cry the most is “Sex and the City” I started sobbing the second my wife said I had to go see it with her.

Big Brown was the Triple Crown favorite but finished dead last at Belmont; there hasn’t been an odds-on favorite who lost by that much since, well, Hillary..

His trainer admits Big Brown used steroids and then the odds-on favorite to win the Triple Crown finished dead last at Belmont; Today Big Brown was named an honorary New York Yankee.

Hugh Hefner says he won’t marry his 28-year-old girlfriend, Holly Madison. It’s too bad because she is all prepared, she has something old, Hugh, something new, herself, something borrowed, a defibrillator for the wedding night, and something blue, Viagra.

Big Brown was the Triple Crown favorite but finished dead last at Belmont; to give you an idea how bad Big Brown did, he even finished behind Ralph Nader.
Big Brown was the Triple Crown favorite but finished last at Belmont; did you see how sweaty that blow-hard cocky trainer, Rick Dutrow Jr. was? I have seen anyone sweat that much since President Bush tried to pronounce the name of the new Russian President Dmitry Medvedev.

In game one of the Boston Celtics-Los Angeles Lakers NBA finals, Celtic Paul Pierce was taken off the floor to the locker room in a wheel chair, only to appear later apparently fine. Wasn’t the wheel chair a tad over-dramatic? Good thing they didn’t have an iron lung machine available.

In California, a high school student - who's an illegal immigrant - is about to be deported, but he’s asking President Bush, to help since he's the class valedictorian. It was a little awkward when Bush replied; “Why should I help a valedictorian? What do I care if he doesn’t eat meat?”

Since you asked:

Do you want to see an entertaining movie that is so unintentionally funny it is hilarious? “Top Gun.” Man, I laughed and laughed. It takes itself so seriously and is so yellow-power-tie, cocaine spewing Eighties it is priceless. Plus the sound track and the fighter pilot fight scenes are still cool.

What adds to the fun is the cringe factor of how I bought this movie hook-line-and-sinker when it came out. Not only that, but I had just moved to San Diego where it was filmed and I was single and in a broker training class also with a bunch of single guys, one of which was an actual reserve pilot stationed at Miramar. He took us to that bar, the O Bar or Oak Bar. But even as a spry young single stud, without being an actual fighter jock, you couldn't get a woman to throw a drink on your head if it was on fire. After "Top Gun" those guys did better than fireman after 9-11.

My word, it was such a “Boys of Summer” “Take My Breath Away” time with me tooling around La Jolla and Del Mar in my Cherokee with spiky over-moussed hair, a Ralph Lauren shirt with the collar up and way too much Polo cologne listening to Stevie Winwood yammering about a higher love.

Speaking of that bar, that cheesy non-Karaoke Karaoke scene “She’s Lost That Loving Feeling” is a riot especially with all the fighter jocks wearing their mirror shades in the bar at night. Meg Ryan’s hick accent is so far over the top she should be playing a banjo with a hay seed sticking out of her mouth. Val Kilmer is an a-hole puppet clicking his pearly white capped teeth all over the place like some coke-addled beaver. And the chemistry between Tom Cruise and Kelly “What the hell happened to her?” McGillis made the Elton John-Kiki Dee marriage look real.

But the most hilarious part about “Top Gun” is how gay, gay, gay it is. It has to be the gayest non-gay movie ever. How about the shot of Tom all sweaty in his tightie-whities shaving while sticking out his little tookus? This movie is supposed to be in arid San Diego, but you would think it was filmed in Guam with all the man-sweat all over the place. Or the countless sweaty shower scenes with the boys hanging out and flip-flopping around in towels?

But the all time “nuke the fridge” moment was the beach volleyball game. Tom Cruise wore blue jeans and they all had on their aviator shades. Tiny Tom spiking the ball? They must have brought in a badminton net. Nobody has played beach volleyball in tight blue jeans since the Fire Island combination volleyball and Cher-look-alike contest. Why would you? That would be like swimming in ski pants. Not to mention the chafing of the sweaty denim and sand. Yuck.

But I think my favorite part is the-all-time-Hollywood-anti-war-pain-in-the-ass-conscientious-objector-activist Tim Robbins as the commie-blood-thirsty co-pilot co-signed Merlin. What a big douche bag.

Too bad they didn’t cast Susan Sarandon in the McGillis role of hot-female-fighter-pilot-maneuver-expert, Charlie. Everybody knows nobody knows more about executing killer jet pilot moves than some 'Ho in do-me pumps with a seam running up the back of her stockings.