Friday, February 29, 2008

You play it or it play you, playa, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers


Now that the FBI is investigating Roger Clemens, there is a chance he could do prison time for perjury if found guilty. You thought Clemens lied about what was stuck in his butt before?

What a coincidence

NBC’s “Quarter life” debuted last night to the worst ratings in its time slot in 20 years. To put that in perspective, on CBS over 12 million people watched “Two and a Half Men”. You know how many people watched NBC’s “Quarter life”? Two and a half men.

Hard to imagine

In Australia, a fisherman was washed off board and survived a 12-hour swim to shore. This guy was even more washed up than Ralph Nader.

Time management

Former exotic dancer Diablo Cody won an Academy Award for writing “Juno.” That is amazing, she was able to write a screen play in between lap dancing and studying for medical school.

Former exotic dancer Diablo Cody won an Academy Award for writing “Juno.” The most amazing thing is that Diablo Cody wasn’t even her stripper name. Her stripper name? Janet Reno.


Idaho Senator Larry Craig has announced he is accepting applications for summer interns; the bad news? The applications Craig is accepting for interns are K-Y Jelly, Vaseline and Easy Lube.

One of those guys

Is it just me or does John McCain look like the guy who starts every sentence with “Back in my day”?

Too bad

First congress, then the Department of Justice, now the FBI is going to investigate if Roger Clemens perjured himself about taking steroids. It’s just too bad that Roger didn’t have Osama bin Laden inject steroids into his butt, we would have him in no time.

Ewwwww 2

In Germany an airline announced it will feature all nude flights. And you thought that plane left skid marks on the runway?

Since you asked:
Like many Independents, I am not a fan of the Hillary Clinton for many reasons, mostly that I just think she is a volatile combination when you have a candidate who is so emotional, driven and ruthless as Hillary and who is also pious and smart and a micromanager, you could have what amounts to a combination of two of the worst presidents in my lifetime: The smart, well-meaning, but disastrously bogged-down-with-minutia Jimmy Carter and the politically brilliant, yet insanely vindictive, petty, mean, paranoid and hate-filled Richard Nixon. For me, Hillary is capable of being both Nixon and Carter, for better and for worse.

Now that, I admit, is quite the condemnation. But I will say this. As far behind as Hillary is in both polls and delegates, she still managed to raise $30 million bucks, if she pulls off wins in Texas and Ohio – which she must do to stay alive – I may have to start believing that she is the best Democratic candidate.

Nahhhhhh. Can’t do it. There were eight years of the Clinton administration of having to listen to Hillary tell everyone how great of a Cubs fans she is and the split second she ran for New York Senator she said, with a straight face, that she was also a New York Mets and Yankees fan.

Somebody that evil and duplicitous cannot, should not, and will not be president.

Thursday, February 28, 2008

No why you got to go and be all that a way, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers?

Not right
A lot of the Academy voters got their votes wrong. For example, Eddie Murphy, there is no award for Best Actor in a Movie Titled: “Norbit.” Madonna, please stop voting for yourself for “Evita,” it has been 12 years, let it go. And finally, Jane Fonda, the movie is spelled; “No COUNTRY for old Men.”

That explains it
All of the top Oscars went to foreign actors. They had to, all the American actors were in rehab.

Go figure?
In Los Angeles Monday night, the Clippers got thumped by the Boston Celtics, 104 to 76. In addition, oddly enough, the movie “No Country for Old Men” won two more Oscars.

Worse than expected
This whole mad cow meat problem could be worse than we thought; today I asked my doctor what the symptoms were from eating tainted mad cow meat. You know what he said? “Moooo.”

Not good
This whole mad cow problem could be worse than we thought; today I asked my doctor what the symptoms were from eating tainted mad cow meat; he said; “What do I care? I’m a Buick.”

No that would be something
There is a clip of French President Nicolas Sarkozy calling a fellow Frenchman a total jerk for claiming Sarkozy touched and soiled him. Now there is a reality show. Frenchman vs. Frenchman in a rudeness contest. We have “American Idol” they’d have “French Idle Threat.”

Over ten billion served, bitch
In California, a McDonalds now has a barista making fancy coffee drinks and they are going to redesign their restaurant with elements of feng shui. In other words, if McDonalds gets any gayer, they’ll have to change its motto from “I’m lovin’ it” to “I’m lovin’ it somethin’ fierce.”

He is out of control
The Oscars were filled with pregnant actresses, Jessica Alba, Kate Blanchett, Nicole Kidman and Angelina Jolie. I’m telling you that Tom Brady has to be contained.

Since you asked:
Although I admire a great book and a well-turned phrase as much as anyone, I do not consider myself a wordsmith, a grammarian or much of an editor, which will come as no surprise to anyone who is reading this blog.

Hell, I barely consider myself a writer. I am a comedy writer with much more of the emphasis on the comedy which, as, I admit, I am not always successful at that, so you can guess how bad the writing side is. As a comedy writer I am more comedy than writery. Writerist. Guy who writes goodly. A writerafier.

Having unnecessarily excused myself as a writing expert, I am also proud not to be one of the most egregiously annoying things in the world: the pedantic. Who doesn’t despise with the white hot heat of a thousand Paris Hiltons, those snotty trolls who run around correcting other people’s use of words?

Having said all that, here are my pet writing/speaking peeves that are being abused from everyone from my 9-year-old daughter to presidential candidates. What makes them so touchy for me isn’t that I am stickler for proper diction or syntax, rather it is that they are phony tools in the transparent attempt to make someone look like they are saying something when they are not:

Going forward Isn’t the fact that time hasn’t stopped assumed?

Thing Yes, I use this too much as an overly cute attachment but it doesn’t mean anything. You know, that whole thing thing.

All I don’t want to get all-whatever on you, but you all use all way too much.

Whatever How long ago did Valley Girl come out? Let it go.

At this juncture. You mean now?

At this point in time. See: at this juncture.

Literally. This is OK to use, but only when it conflicts with assumed similes, analogies or metaphors. It was literally raining cats and dogs? Oh, no. Really? Those poor little kitties and puppies. I was literally knocked out is fine as long as you lost consciousness.

At the end of the day At the end of the day I need a stiff drink because of there being so many people who overuse at the end of the day.

It is what it is. It is? Are you sure? How can you be so sure? Maybe it isn’t what it is. And, as the Clintons taught us, what is the definition of is? Is is an is or is it not an is? That is the question. And that question? Well, it is what it is.

Sticking wise at the end. Client-wise he is very stupid-wise. Which, of course, is not wise-wise.

Hello as a sarcastic expression. You are still using this tired affectation? Helloooooooooo?!

It’s a blank thing. It’s a chick thing. Or it’s a kid thing. Oh, than the problem isn’t that you can’t properly explain it, I must be the problem. That is a stupid thing.

Oh no you di’nt. That was quite cute at first. Really cute. Especially when it was used by seriously white people trying to look hip. But it is so over.

That is so blank. That is so Dave. And the most annoying TV show ever made, “That is so Raven.” That is also so over.

Tuesday, February 26, 2008

Sabes, sabes, sabes, sabes, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers?

And you thought Huckabee didn’t know when to quit?
Ralph Nader has joined the presidential race, or as democrats are calling the 71-year-old McCain and the 73-year-old Nader: “Grumpy Old Men III.”

Good pick
Fidel Castro’s brother, Raul Castro has taken over in Cuba. He is a much better choice than Fidel’s other brother, Tito.

Go back to recalling Pintos, Ralph
Ralph Nader is launching a third party presidential campaign. I don’t know what the Nader third party is going to be called but I vote for the “Please Go Away You Boring Loser” party.

Is it just me or does Ralph Nader look like the guy who taught European Literature at a City College?

Ralph Nader is launching a third party presidential campaign. Or as John McCain calls the 73 year-old Nader: a young whipper snapper.

Is it just me or does Ralph Nader look like the high school administrator who smokes a pipe?

Is it just me or does Ralph Nader look like that grumpy guy behind the cash register at a small town hardware store telling you “We don’t carry that part anymore”?

Is it just me or does Ralph Nader look like the guy in the cardigan sweater sitting in his garage painting lead soldiers?

Is it just me or does Ralph Nader look like a file clerk down at city hall?

Not kidding around
Hillary Clinton is getting ugly in Texas attacking Barack Obama. Hillary is ready to do battle today she wore her Under Armor pants suit.

Oh, that is uncalled for
Hillary Clinton is getting ugly in Texas. She compared Barack Obama to President Bush. And if the rumors are true, if there is one candidate who knows about Bush, it’s Hillary.

Bad habits rubbing off
Tiger Woods beat Stewart Cink in the Accenture Match Play tournament. Tiger Woods got caught live saying some choice words after hitting a bad shot. Apparently Tiger played a round or two with Jane Fonda.

No kidding
Fantasy Baseball leagues are getting ready for the baseball season; now, I don’t want to say Fantasy Baseball players are nerds, but Viagra will never sponsor a Fantasy Baseball League because imaginary women don’t care about erectile dysfunction.

The big 27, and I don’t mean how many men she’s slept with in February
A belated Happy 27th Birthday to Paris Hilton. Paris celebrated her usual way by playing Pin the tail on the tail.

So embarrassing
Did you see the clip of President Bush dancing in Africa? Oh, man, this guy put us clumsy white guys back ten years.

And here I thought the term Lame Duck President was an expression. Bush actually dances like a lame duck.

Since you asked;
On the cover article of “Time” magazine, Joel Stein, invited George Clooney over to his house for dinner and was amazed to report that handsome George was the perfect dinner guest. Wow, who would have guessed that being a rich, famous and handsome movie star could actually be fun?

I’m an awesome dinner guest: I always bring a good wine, in fact, better than I usually drink, I have at least two topical jokes ready, a classic, but non-offensive regular joke, and at least one or two anecdotes in my pocket ready to fling if the conversation drags.

I like to drink the wine but I never get drunk – at other people’s houses. If the food is great, I gush over it, if it is just OK, I am complimentary, and if it sucks, I don’t say anything. And I don’t stay too late. Sometimes I offer to do the dishes but I think everyone knows I don’t really mean it.

So why aren’t I on the cover of “Time”? Hell, I even frequently guest barbeque an appetizer like my marinated shrimp or beef and green onion skewers or my grilled corn salsa. You try and grill on someone else’s grill. You think trying to get another person’s dog to behave is hard?