Thursday, June 22, 2006

It is hard out here

What the heck? Why, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers?

Sounds familiar
Bill Clinton said that if Hillary Clinton becomes President, he will do whatever is asked of him. As long as what he is asked to do includes a chubby intern.

Then and only then
North Korea claims it has made a missile that can reach the United States. I’ll believe that when North Korea can make a hairpiece for Kim Jong Il that doesn’t look like a rabid squirrel.

Or Tom Cruiseitis
The Pentagon has declared homosexuality a disease. I think the name of the homosexual disease is Ryan Seacrestosis.

The first symptom of the Pentagon’s homosexuality disease is if your Clay is Aiken.  

Big Ol’ boy golfer John Daly said the secret to good golf is to think about sex. Which is ironic because, Daly’s wife said the secret to good sex with John was to think about golf.

That explains Phil Michelson’s collapse at the last hole of the US Open, he thought about sex so much he screwed himself.

Not good
Did you see the clip of Connie Chung singing on top of the piano to Maury Povich? That performance was so bad it put the William Hung in Connie Chung.  

Monkey brains
Harvard scientists are injecting human brain cells into monkeys. They aren’t sure what will happen when the monkeys get human brain cells except that it will drastically increase sales of Paris Hilton’s new album.

Heart attack included
It is the 60th anniversary of hot dogs on a stick. Or as they are also known, Arterial Sclerosicles.

How hot is it?
It has been hot in New York City. It is so hot New Yorkers were flocking to CBS just to feel Dan Rather’s chilly departure.

Dan Rather left CBS and it wasn’t been a friendly break up. In fact, Rather’s exact words were; “CBS is lower than a swayback rattler slithering in a muddy wheel rut.”  

Dan Rather left CBS and it wasn’t been a friendly break up. It was awkward when President Bush was asked if he heard that Dan Rather’s departure from CBS was acrimonious, Bush said; “No, I think they were arguing.”

Good reason
Bill Gates announced he will stop down from running Microsoft. When asked why he is going to stop working, Gates replied; “Because apparently I am richer than crap.”

Or as quitting work is otherwise known, Gates is going to take a long Kevin and then Federline.
K-Fed up
Kevin Federline is going to have his own a clothing line. This could result in the white trash dream come true: Clothes from K-Fed at K-Mart.

You’ve heard of the clothing line FUBU? For Us By Us? Kevin Federline’s line will be FIBI: For Idiots By Idiots.

Bad actors
One of problems American fans have with the World Cup is all the melodramatic writhing on the ground when the players try and draw penalties. In fact, there hasn’t been this much bad acting since the Madonna film festival.  

Since you asked
How many use Google? You know what is scary? When a hypochondriac uses Google. Once I was researching my symptoms on Google and they fit an diagnosis exactly: queasy stomach, achy back, sudden slight weight gain. Turns out they were the early symptoms of pregnancy. Great. Now how the hell am I going to tell my wife I’m pregnant?