Wednesday, July 23, 2003

Bring it, bring it, bring it, 'till they sing it, sing it, sing it, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

Dead even in pig-Latin
*Did you hear about Uday and Qusay? They bought the armfay. They’re eaday. They’ve oak-cray’d. Ayonarasay. Buh bye-ay.

The news of Uday and Qusai’s deaths sparked a wild celebration in Iraq. Let me tell you something, when your death causes a spontaneous deliriously happy celebration? Well, maybe you should have been a little nicer to folks.

Air Blowing airs
*Nike came out with a new Kobe Bryant shoe: It’s made for tap dancing at press conferences.

Excuse me?

*Arianna Huffington may run against Arnold for Governor of California. She has a thick Greek accent and he has a thick Austrian accent. This will be the first campaign with subtitles.

Here in California, we’ll take a governor we can’t understand over one we can’t stand, like Gray Davis.

The bald guy
*In Washington, police were called to restore order at the Ways and Means Committee. A Republican told 71 year old Democrat Pete Stark to shut up and Stark said "oh you think you are big enough to make me, you little wimp? Come on. Come over here and make me. I dare you, you little fruitcake.” Forget about electing Jerry Springer to Congress, we need to elect his bodyguard.

Long way to go
*Doctors in Vienna have completed the world’s first tongue transplant. You know what’s weird? It will take him a year until he’s had someone else’s tongue in his mouth longer than Bill Clinton has.

Trading up
*Verne Troyer – the actor who plays Mini-Me – he is engaged to a 6 foot 2 aerobics instructor. His fiancée is 6’2”. If you’re looking for a nice wedding present, you can’t go wrong with a vibrating stepladder.

They are going to need bunk beds for the Honeymoon.

That hurts
*The body of a hockey player, Duncan MacPherson, missing in the Alps 14 years ago, has been found. His body was found alongside the boots and snowboard he rented. More bad news for his family: they owe ten million dollars in back rental fees.

More bad news for MacPherson. Today he was charged with impersonating Ted Williams.

Should I have said however?
There are those who feel that, regardless of the outcome, due to the accusations, Kobe Bryant will have forever added a big “but” to his legacy. As opposed to Shaquille O’Neal who just added a big butt to his shorts . . .