Wednesday, June 18, 2003

Steal away, little darlings and Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

And on Earth
A truck spilled 18 tons of peas on a busy highway in England, bringing traffic to a standstill for more than 12 hours. Too bad this couldn’t have happened in Palestine or Israel, then we might finally have peas in the Middle East.

Dork mobile
The Segway scooter is popping up all over the U.S. I’m not buying one until they can make it turn into a Corvette when a hot woman walks by.

Contained at least for ten to twenty
Sales of the new line of Martha Stewart furniture have been doing very well; What ESPN’s Dan Patrick said of Michael Jordan is now true for Martha Stewart: You can’t stop her, you can only hope to contain her.

Those crafty wicked scientists . . .
In a surprise, the AMA announced it has approved of cloning for research purposes. Now it turns out that statement was given by the clone of a member of the AMA created by an evil scientist.

Grass growing on the Nature Channel beat it
The final ratings for the NBA Finals between San Antonio and New Jersey were the lowest ever, down almost thirty percent from last year between the Nets and the L.A. Lakers. Apparently, viewers just don’t appreciate defense oriented, strategic basketball, otherwise known as pure boredom.

Where was that guy who says “Dynooomiiite?”
The New Jersey Devils celebration in their arena’s parking lot was hosted by Joe Piscopo. Joe Piscopo? Was Kim Fields, Tootie from “Facts of Life,” already booked?
Due to Piscopo’s appearance at the Devil celebration, sadly, somewhere in New Jersey, a Bar Mitzvah is missing Joe Piscopo’s imitation of Frank Sinatra singing “Hava Nagila.”

Heh, heh, he said head
The new "Harry Potter” book is coming out this week. You know the big shocker? It turns out Hogwart Deputy Headmistress Professor Maconogal also once had an affair with Bill Clinton. Let’s just say they didn’t call her deputy headmistress for nothing.

Monday, June 16, 2003

We so crazy, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

*In other tennis, Russian teenager Maria Sharapova was ordered to tone down her grunting during her Wednesday win over Nathalie Dechy in the DFS classic in England. In addition, male spectators were asked to tone down their grunting when they watch Anna Kournakova play.

*Woody Allen appears in a new promotional video designed to lure American tourists back to France. What do the French want with our young adopted Korean girls?
Or as the French refer to Woody Allen: that brave, brawny, scary, tough, manly guy.

Uh oh
I’m a little worried. The exact same moment the Feds banned the sale of prairie dogs, my local Chinese restaurant cancelled their special: Pop up beef.

Not positive, but . . .
*During the broadcast ABC briefly switched over to the French announcers who were reporting on San Antonio’s Tony Parker, from France. My French is rusty, but I could have sworn I heard the French announcer’s accuse the New Jersey Nets of corking their shoes.

Just when you thought the place couldn’t get worse . . .
*Here’s a sign that the times have changed in Iraq. There is a new boy band in Iraq. Iraq now has a boy band. I think they are called Boyz 2 Camels. An Iraqi boy band? We just found their weapon of mass disgustin’. Now even the French want to attack them.

Good man
*53-year-old Tom Watson shot a 65 to lead the US Open Thursday. It is probably the greatest single day performance by an older guy since Michael Douglass honeymoon with Katherine Zeta Jones.

*This week, six Houston Astros pitchers combined to no-hit the New York Yankees. It is the most players involved in a no-hitter since the Cincinnati Bengals were on defense.

Since you asked:
That thump you heard? That was me falling off the Tiger Woods bandwagon. Now, I know the timing is tough, Tiger being mired in a non-slump slump and all, so this will come as rough news for him, but there it is.

Somehow Tiger will have to manage to console himself with his Swedish bikini model girlfriend, or his grillions of dollars, but I am no longer a fan of Tiger Woods. This is not to say I am cheering against him, like we all do with Vijay Singh or Colin Montgomery, but I am no longer a fan.

The teetering on the edge of the Woodwagon began many years ago when Tiger summarily fired his caddy, Winfred Brimley. I mean Fluff. Tiger’s scowling press conferences, and testy interviews didn’t help, and his teeing off on fans that dare to inhale during his back swing got very old quick.

But when he blew a drive at Augusta and then, instead of blaming himself, he threw his caddy under the bus, that was just about it. But what shoved me off the Tigerbus with both hands was when I saw how well Anika Sorentstam handled the Tiger Woods times two media glare and pressure with smiles and charm. Anika had more fun in her two rounds at the Colonial than Tiger has had in his life.

Come on, Eldrick Woods is not only rich, but he is taking a lot of that money from Nike, which makes it even sweeter; he has a car-accident-causing gorgeous girlfriend, and the sweetest golf game in history. Doesn’t that merit more than a sarcastic grin once every six months? In the words of the great Sgt. Hulka in “Stripes:”

“Lighten up, Francis.”