Friday, October 25, 2002

What it is, Torn Slattern and Nugget Ranchers

New York Cab drivers are on a campaign to be friendlier. Now when the give you the finger, that finger must be clean and the fingernail manicured.

This month’s Rolling Stone cover features a half-naked Keith Richards partially covered by a guitar. Next month’s Rolling Stone cover features a totally naked Christine Augilera fully naked covered partially by a guitar. That’s the most dramatic example of an improvement since Lisa Marie Presley divorced Michael Jackson and married Nicholas Cage.

There are no free tacos, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

The San Francisco Giants are one game away from winning the World Series against the Anaheim Angels. The Angels have tried pitching to and walking Bonds, neither has worked. There is only one way to stop Barry Bonds: rioting villagers armed with torches, rakes and scythes.

Did you see when the Giants J.T. Snow scooped up out of harms way Dusty Baker’s three-year-old son Darren who had wandered out towards home plate during a run scoring play? It was really cute. And then, the next inning, the Angels Tim Salmon scooped up their little short stop David Eckstein.

Although it has been a hard fought World Series, the San Francisco Giants and the Anaheim Angels have been friendly rivals. In fact, after the Series is over, the Giants manager’s three-year-old son, Darren has arranged a play date with the Angels’ David Eckstein.

It was a rough night last night if you are an Angel or a free taco fan. Nobody gets a free Taco but it looks more and more like the Giants are going to get the whole enchilada.

E! Entertainment Network has re-signed Anna Nicole Smith for another year. She is also going to make a lot more money. Anna Nicole’s agent negotiated that, next year, Anna Nicole will be paid by the pound.

Thursday, October 24, 2002

Work it, work it, work it, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

There was a scary moment at the San Francisco Forty Niner’s practice facility. They thought receiver Terrell Owens may have seriously hurt his ankle. Turns out it Owens just broke a red pen in his sock.

After suffering a serious concussion in Carolina’s loss to Atlanta Sunday, quarterback Chris Weinke said he remembers what he had for breakfast that day, and nothing else. To which Oakland Raiders kicker Sebastian Janikowski replied; “Yeah, hic, so?”

P.S. The definition of a mild concussion? One that occurs to someone other than you.

Reports have come back that Nick Nolte was on the date rape drug when he was arrested for drunk driving recently. In the article, it described Nolte’s mug shot as showing a “slightly disheveled Nick Nolte.” Nolte was slightly disheveled like Michael Jackson has an unusual nose. Slightly disheveled? Nolte was as fried as a bucket of the Colonel’s extra crispy.

As a result of using the date rape drug on himself, Nolte has also filed sexual harassment charges against himself. In addition, Nolte is being sued by director Tim Burton for the unauthorized imitation of his character Beetlejuice in Nolte’s mug shot.

Following the release of her scantily-clad, hip thrusting provocative and oily video “Dirrty”, pop star Christine Augilera appears naked with a guitar on the cover of Rolling Stone magazine. I think I speak for everyone when I say; OK, Christine, you’re a slut, we got it. Enough.

Former nine-year NFL player Esera Tuaolo disclosed in an HBO special that he is gay. Tuaolo was a defensive lineman. He tried being a quarterback, but every time he put his hands under the center to take the snap, he would change the play for ten minutes. Like I said, he tried being a quarterback, but after every time he put his hands under the center to take the snap, he would send the center roses and a thank you card.

The World Series is all tied up at two apiece between the Anaheim Angels and the San Francisco Giants. To give you an idea how tense things are, today they caught the Rally Monkey using his bananas to make daiquiris.

The U.S. is weighing different options to force North Korean nuclear disarmament. Here is my idea: threaten Korea with an army of Dog Catchers; that would disrupt the entire country’s dinner plans.

Taco Bell had a big floating 15-foot disc in McCovey cove, the water outside of Pac Bell park, and if anyone hits it with a home run, the entire country gets a free Taco at a specific day and time. And in an equally impossible cheesy promotional stunt, Old Navy will give everyone in the country a free t-shirt if one guy can get a date while wearing their denim painter pants.

In their tough 35-27 loss to the New Orleans Saints, last week the San Francisco Giant’s Terrell Owens dropped two key passes in the last forty seconds. After Owen’s second drop, quarterback Jeff Garcia pulled a pen out of his sock and wrote on the ball: “Caution, Do Not Drop.”

Tuesday, October 22, 2002

Smack some stang in the thang, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

Did you hear they think they have found the burial box of Jesus brother, James? That had to be rough being the brother of Jesus. Just imagine the Christmas letter alone:

“Our oldest son, Jesus, as you know, is our lord and savior. Our second son, James, still lives at home, and we are, fingers crossed, hopeful he will find a job soon.”

I mean, that really had to be rough being the brother of Jesus:

“Jesus, could you run to the store and get some wine?”

“No problem, Mom, I’ll just turn the water into wine.”

“Oh, why thank you, Jesus. Did you hear that, honey, our son Jesus turned the water into wine. Umm, James, do you think you could you manage to set the table?”

Washington Redskins coach Steve Spurrier has switched quarterbacks again, this time going back to Shane Mathews after starting rookie Patrick Ramsey. Next week, Spurrier is going to try something new: whoever wins the Washington Redskin back-office employee-of-the-week gets to start at quarterback.

Congratulations and good luck to San Diego Torrey Pines High alum, Chad Hutchinson, who has been named the starting quarterback of the Dallas Cowboys. Chad switched to football after he spent four seasons with the St. Louis Cardinal’s organization where he once compiled an era of 27. Good move going back to football, Chad. There are pitching machines that have lower era’s than 27.

Let’s just say as a baseball pitcher, Chad was a tremendous quarterback, and we wish him the best.

Italian researchers have made a strain of pigs that carry human genes in their hearts, livers and kidneys. Don’t we already have that? It’s called Anna Nicole Smith.

Maybe it’s just me, but every time Barry Bonds steps to the plate, I feel like some huge machine should be shooting off electricity and a mad scientist should scream; “It’s alive.” You know why Bonds wears those turtleneck pullovers under his jersey? To hide the bolts in his neck.