Thursday, March 07, 2002

Long time no see, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers.

That one man homage to the Seventies, High Karate cologne and Members Only jackets, Gary Condit Jr. lost badly in his bid for re-election. The good news is that Condit is now available to fight the winner of the Paula Jones/Tonya Harding fight.

In Wisconsin, "Yah, Howdeeee" two Amish men were arrested for breaking into homes. Imagine their disappointment, they broke in, turned on the TV only to discover that “Emeril” had been cancelled.

A woman in Bosnia-Herzegovina says she wants to get into the Guinness Book of Records for having sex with more men than any woman in history. Boy talk about a bad time for Mariah Carey, first she loses her record deal, now she’ll lose her world record.

Was High School Chess taken? NBC landed arena football. I guess that deal to broadcast Curling fell through. What a coup.

Those sluts! The Globe is reporting that Hugh Heffner’s seven girlfriends are two-timing on him with other men. It’s just so hard these days to find that honest, faithful and virtuous pack of half-a-dozen or so girlfriends.

EEEE HEEEEE. Scientists have invented a new plastic that can repair itself when heated. Do you realize what this means? With a little luck and a blow torch Michael Jackson could get his nose back.

Uh, what project is due, Boss Dude? Researchers report that heavy, chronic marijuana users suffer memory loss and attention problems that can affect their work. In a related story, anyone finding a guitar with a hole in it, please contact Willy Nelson.

Federal Reserve Chairman Alan Greenspan said the country is now recovering from its first recession in a decade. This must come as a great relief to those Enron employees in line for soup.

A report by Independent Counsel Robert Ray said prosecutors had ample evidence for criminal charges against President Clinton in the scandal involving Monica Lewinsky. Could you imagine Bill Clinton in jail? He’d probably end up dating someone really named Bubba.

I have an announcement: March 6 through March 12 was officially declared National Procrastinators Week, but it’s been pushed back to next month..

The French judge at the center of the Winter Olympics' figure skating scandal defended her reputation and requested that her suspension be lifted. In addition, she demands that all future bribes be paid in Francs only, no Russian Rubles will be accepted anymore. Her suspension will be lifted right about the time Russell Crowe agrees to star in the sequels to “Beaches” and “Steele Magnolias.”

Oh the horror. A 94-year-old Brazilian comedienne has agreed to appear naked in Penthouse magazine. That’s just what we need, a nation full of 13-year-old boys who throw up at the sight of their great grandmother.

Otre Vez. The report said the signs are strengthening that we are heading into a return of the El Nino. Turns out they were talking about weather, I was afraid that annoying Elias Gonzales Cuban kid was coming back.

In New York, comedian Jerry Seinfeld is building his own parking garage for his collection of thirty Porsches. There are some behaviorists who claim that owning a Porche is how some men compensate for having a small penis. With 30 Porches, Seinfled must have some serious shrinkage going on. In fact, with so many Porsches, Seinfeld's Little Jerry is so small, he has been asked to appear in "The Vagina Monologues."

My latest theory:

Any guy who claims his brain is in control of his penis has not been caught in his zipper lately. The unzipping of said caught member is the modern day equivilent of shoving the barbed-Apache arrow through.