Monday, May 20, 2019




Green Bay Packer, Aaron Rodgers, was an extra in "Game of Thrones." 


Unfortunately, Rodgers did not get along with the associate producer so they fired the poor guy and kept Rodgers.









Dallas Cowboy, Ezekiel Elliott, was handcuffed after knocking a security guard to the ground at a Las Vegas music festival.


But do not worry, Cowboy fans, this was only Ezekiel's tenth incident and does not yet affect the Cowboys' 30-Strikes-And-You're-Out policy.






Dallas Cowboy, Ezekiel Elliott, was handcuffed after knocking a security guard to the ground at a Las Vegas music festival.


Elliot apparently did not like it when the security guard pointed to Elliott's girlfriend and made the "Feed me" gesture.








"Game of Thrones" had its third editing mistake in a row, this time a water bottle by a foot. 


Mistakes on TV shows are common. For example, on "The View," Joy Behar is listed as a comedian.

Thursday, May 16, 2019




"He doesn't have to go to Rite Aid anymore." #OddThingsToSayAtAFuneral




In Denmark, a man running for Parliament placed an ad in PornHub. He thinks it could get him more campaign donations. In other words, it's worth a money shot.






Walmart announced they are raising prices due to the China tariffs. Let's see how Trump's base popularity does when the price of Lucky Beer and beer koozies go up.





Atty. Gen. William Barr joked to Nancy Pelosi: "Did you bring your handcuffs?” Which is fine, but Barr took it too far when he asked her to put a ball-gag on him and spank him like the dirty boy he is.






In his book, Lamar Odom said he is addicted to sex and has had sex with over 2,000 women mostly hookers and strippers. You know the fastest cure for sex addiction? Working at Starbucks. Nobody who works at Starbucks can be a sex addict.





A survey ranks he top 50 sexiest US accents. The two least sexy accents were Long Island and New Jersey. But it won't bother them, they'll probably fuhgettahbouutit.






In his new biography, Lamar Odom said he is addicted to sex and has had sex with over 2,000 women mostly hookers and strippers. You know how to cure sex addiction to hookers and strippers? Go broke.






People who named their babies Daenerys are upset by her "GOT" character's plot twist and feel betrayed. And people who named their baby Theon feel cut off.

 







A survey ranked the top 50 sexiest US accents. The sexiest accent was Texas. The least sexy. Whatever Sarah Huckabee Sanders's accent is.










Bruce Willis threw out the pitch at the Phillies game and one-hopped it to the catcher. And thus we witness the difference between action heroes and the actual people who play them.

The good news is he did not play the harmonica.








In Denmark, a politician running for Parliament put an ad on PornHub.That should get a rise out of his opponent.





Since you asked:


When I was watching my daughter's track meet, a young girl had her feet on the bleacher seat in front of her; When a nice older woman asked her, nicely, to move her feet so she could sit there, she was visibly put out. 

Yes, this is how awful this generation is.



Wednesday, May 01, 2019

"There's no way Donald Trump is so evil he would ask an attorney to lie for him and risk going to prison."  
- William Barr.

"Hold my glass of toilet wine." 
- Paul Manafort.






Reports of herpes cases shot up following Coachella.

So there is something that can happen at Coachella that is worse than listening to Justin Bieber.





Friday, April 26, 2019

Bonnie Raitt, Tracy Chapman, Jeff Beck and Beth Hart - "Sweet Home Chica...












"Time" magazine released their annual list of 100 Most Influential People.

Yes, I finally made it. I was in between Dr. Pimple Popper and Mike Diamond, the Smell-Good Plumber.










Benches clear in Chicago during Royals-White Sox game after Tim Anderson gets hit by pitch.

Baseball fights are hilarious. There are more guys holding other guys than an Adam Lambert concert on Valentine's Day.











Sarah Huckabee Sanders took her three kids to, "Take Your Children To Tell Lies At Work" Day.











Lara Trump said the worst thing Germany did was to accept immigrants.

And Lara does not think Germany has a chance to defend Winterfell from the Night King's White Walkers.











"Time" magazine released their annual list of 100 Most Influential People.  

And yes, I finally made it. I was right in-between Jussie Smollett and Progressive Insurance lady Flo's assistant, Jaimie.











Coachella caused a huge spike in reported herpes cases.

That Jussie Smollett cannot catch a single break.









Lara Trump is under criticism for saying the worst thing Germany ever did was accept immigrants. 

That and go against the White Walkers at Winterfell.









Coachella caused a huge spike in reported herpes cases.

The news just keeps getting worse for Olivia Jade Giannulli.













Joe Biden was endorsed by ex-Stormy Daniels attorney, Michael Avenatti. 

No word yet on who Harvey Weinstein and Bernie Madoff are behind.









Lara Trump is under criticism for saying the worst thing Germany ever did was accept immigrants. 

Lara went on to say besides, of course, the time the Nazis bombed Pearl Harbor.












Donald Trump recommended a book by Utah Senator Mike Lee, "Our Lost Declaration."

That's like Stevie Wonder recommending a portrait artist.









Joe Biden is still groping for a campaign motto.









Joe Biden announces he is running for President and he is attacked by Donald Trump and Lara Trump. Then George Conway calls Trump "Deranged Donald."

It's like Thomas Jefferson versus John Adams all over again except if everyone was really stupid and mean.










The rumor of Prince William having an affair on Kate Middleton is false. The evidence the affair is not true is any picture of Kate and William.











Donald Trump insulted Joe Biden's intelligence on Twitter. George Conway called Trump "Deranged Donald" in a tweet.

Not exactly the Lincoln-Douglass debates, is it?









Joe Biden announced his bid for the presidency today. 
He decided not to announce on Wednesday. That would have been Hump Day.


Wednesday, April 17, 2019

They charged the Chinese woman who snuck into Mar-a-Lago. 

She is indicted on one count of lying to a federal officer, one count of interring restricted grounds, and two counts of trying to get her teenager into USC.


Tuesday, April 09, 2019



Following a home run, Texas Rangers Joey Gallo and Nomar Mazara greeted each other by grabbing each other's crotch.

Remember the good old days when baseball players grabbing their crotch was a one-man job?

Saturday, April 06, 2019

The annual penis festival is being held in Kawasaki, Japan. That makes total sense. Some of the biggest dicks in the world ride Kawasaki motorcycles.

Friday, April 05, 2019

The New York Jets unveiled their new uniforms and they are not getting good reviews. The worst part? They still say New York Jets on them.








Not only are the New York Jets uniforms bad, but how long is it going to take a genius to figure out this #11 looks like the World Trade Center?















The New York Jets unveiled their new uniforms and they are not good.

The Jets' new uniforms look like the generic uniforms of a team from the future in a movie so bad it stars Vin Diesel instead of the Rock.






The New York Jets unveiled their new uniforms. How bad are they? After showing them, the Jets are now 0-3.






The New York Jets new uniforms were leaked online. And after seeing them, getting leaked on is what they're good for.







The New York Jets unveiled their new uniforms. Five words:


Haven't Jets fans suffered enough?






The New York Jets new uniforms are getting panned.

One smart-ass said they look like the football uniforms of a team from the future in a really bad video game. 

OK, that smart-ass was me.






The New York Jets new uniforms are getting bad reviews. The only positive thing anyone has said is that they do not say Oakland Raiders on them.







The New York Jets new uniforms are not getting good reviews.

The letters of New York are tiny. The numbers look digital. The wings look silly. Joe Namath is spinning in his grave and he is not dead yet.








The New York Jets new uniforms look like the football team in the movie, starring Adam Sandler as the coach, where the loveable mentally-challenged girl kicks the winning field goal.








Don Quixote was a cancer fighter.



Since you asked:

No matter how rough things got during my divorce of 25 years and selling our house of 24 years, I could always console myself that I never have to talk to either of those evil, two-faced, hypocrite, back-stabbing fish-wives, Trish H. and Judy M., ever again.




Wednesday, April 03, 2019


In their first season, the Alliance of American Football has shut down. 

They're not allowed to tackle, throw or catch. It's like being a member of the Oakland Raiders.

Tuesday, April 02, 2019


Today is, and I cannot stress this enough, Taco Tuesday, and I cannot stress this enough, if you do not celebrate it, and I cannot stress this enough, we cannot be f*cking friends.









“Would you let someone see your tits before you’d let them see your forehead? Then, and only then, are bangs the right choice for you.”  @rosebudbaker














An attractive female blogger videos herself drinking her friend's sperm in a cup each day claiming it gives her energy.

As attractive as she is, she somehow can't find guys willing to kiss her. Odd.








A Chinese woman with two passports and a thumb-drive full of computer viruses was arrested in Donald Trump's Mar-a-Lago resort.

They suspected foul play when she tried to steal extra bacon at the omelet bar.











An attractive blonde female blogger videos herself drinking her friend's sperm in a cup each day claiming it gives her energy.

Her friend is still trying to convince her it is much better directly from the spout.












A Chinese woman with two passports and a thumb-drive full of computer viruses was arrested in Donald Trump's Mar-a-Lago resort.

They suspected she was a bad actor when she cut in line at the omelet bar.











For the first time, Kanye West was interviewed on "Keeping Up with the Kardashians."

The transcript is available on http://WhyMentalHealthMatters.com .











Once again, Donald Trump incorrectly claimed his New York-born father, Fred, was born in Germany.

That is so unlike Trump to get someone's birthplace wrong over and over again.










A study claims young men are choosing video games over having sex. 

"And what is wrong with that? Let them do what they want," said a little bit older men.












For the first time, Kanye West was interviewed on "Keeping Up with the Kardashians."

The Kanye interview was closed-captioned for the insanity-speak impaired.











Experts predict, if we shut down the Mexican border, we will have a guacamole and margarita shortage on Cinco De Mayo.

Now, this is what I call a state of National Emergency.











Rumor is the newly formed Alliance of American Football league is about to fold. It is so bad, the Oakland Raiders are making jokes about the AAF.











"And that, folks, is when the groom learned that not even a condom can always protect you in a Tijuana whore house."  #BadWeddingToasts












A British study claims many young men are choosing video games over having sex. 

"That is perfectly normal, just keep doing it," said slightly-older than young men.









Three times Donald Trump said oranges for the word origins. It is official, Trump's spray tan color has seeped into his brain.











There is a book, "Commander in Cheat," by Rick Reilly, that describes how Donald Trump cheats at golf.

Donald Trump cheats so much at golf, even Bill Clinton thinks he cheats too much at golf.










NCAA college basketball powerhouses Duke, Kentucky and North Carolina are not in the Final Four. 

Neither is my beloved UCSB, but unlike the other three, it is still on the Pacific ocean in Santa Barbara.
 









For the first time, Kanye West was interviewed on "Keeping Up with the Kardashians."

"Now that was some whacky, out-there weird stuff," said Gary Busey.









There is a great new diet. Watch "Dr. Pimple Popper" right at lunchtime.










A man entered a hospital for a routine bladder checkup, but they circumcised him by mistake.

It turns out it was just Jussie Smollett lying about being circumcised by racists.










India exploded a satellite whose junk could threaten the International Space Station.

”If someone greenlit the sequel to "Gravity" without calling us, they are through in this town," said George Clooney and Sandra Bullock.









"And that, folks, should teach our groom to use a condom the next time he picks up a stripper." #BadWeddingToasts









The new Alliance of American Football league has suspended play. Wow, that was quick even for Johnny Manziel.












The Eagles announced they will perform the "Hotel California" album in its entirety in concert.

Because the Eagles are getting up there, this is not the good news it appears. They are just going to play the recorded album and take a nap backstage.










A book, "Commander in Cheat," reveals Donald Trump does not count golf balls he hits in the water, asks opponents to concede 30-foot shots and lies when he writes his final score.

Other than that, Trump plays golf strictly by the rules.














There is a book, "Commander in Cheat," by Rick Reilly, that describes how Donald Trump cheats at golf.

Before, I thought someone who shot a 95 and posted a score of 89 was a golf cheat. Trump shoots a 95 and posts that he won the Masters.




Since you asked:


Journalists tend to look down their nose at comedy, but Chris Rock and Tracy Morgan were the first with the guts to say Jussie Smollett was an emperor without any clothes.