Wednesday, May 22, 2013
Tuesday, May 21, 2013
Dave Grohl is latest guest to rock with Rolling Stones
Monday, May 20, 2013
Gaaarrrrrl, they don’t know how we do how we dooooooooo, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers
A Brooklyn bar is holding the “World’s Smallest Penis” contest. The first place prize is called The Newt Gingrich Trophy.
50-year-old jockey, Gary Stevens, won the Preakness on Oxbow; not to imply Stevens is getting old, but he left his turn signal on the entire race. During the race Stevens kept yelling to the other jockeys; “Slow down, this is a neighborhood.”
The $600 mil. Powerball lottery was won by someone in Florida; I swear, if it turns out if the winner is that guy who robbed a house naked, pooped and masturbated before jumping out the window, I am going to be pissed.
A 72-year-old man and a 66-year-old woman were arrested in New Jersey for running a brothel out of a retirement home. And who doesn’t want a hooker who yells during sex; “Move, Sonny, I can’t see Matlock”?
Have you seen “Game of Thrones”? (I really like it) It’s as if “Lord of the Rings” was written by Beavis and Butthead. “Heh, heh, heh, more sword fights and big boobies, heh, heh, heh.”
Since you asked:
That’s it, I have had it. What the hell is it with old people who take their power walks out in the street? And I mean out in the street a good four feet, and then give you dirty looks when you drive around them?
This one crazy old broad stared at me as I drove around her by a good twenty feet and she glared at me, as if she looked away for a split second, I would run her down like Dzhokhar Tsarnaev driving over his brother, Tamerlan.
Let’s get our stoke on the joke on, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers
In New Jersey, a man, 75, and a woman, 66, were busted for running a prostitution ring out of a retirement home; because who doesn’t want a hooker who smells like Ben Gay?
Because who doesn’t want a hooker who sends you a check for $4 on your birthday?
Taco Bell is testing out new breakfast tacos; this is perfect for people who can’t wait until the afternoon to have diarrhea.
At the Cannes film festival, thieves made off with a safe containing 1$ mil in jewels; in an equally classy crime, a Florida man was arrested for having a bag of cocaine up his butt and then denied it was his.
Since you asked:
Got out of the water at La Jolla Shores yesterday and I chatted up a fellow SUP surfer with;
“How did it go?”
That was it.
That is a fond memory from my early Santa Barbara days. A hard-core surfer in my fraternity would answer how his session went with that one word. Not, it was fun, or the surfing was really fun today. Just: Fun.
The great surfer, Keala Kennelly, she of “Blue Crush” fame once said;
“The best surfer is the one having the most fun.”
That is one of the greatest lines about sports I have ever heard.
Then my La Jolla Shores SUP broheim said something that sounded funny:
“The waves had great energy.”
Now is that something a Californian would say, or what? But as funny and Jeff Spicoli –sounding as that is, it is also true.
One thing I have learned since surfing is that no three-foot wave is the same. Susan Casey’s “The Wave” taught me that waves are not moving water. They are what happens when energy floes through the water. Energy started by usually wind, but many other things including earthquakes.
When you see a wave rolling in and there is a piece of kelp floating in the water, the kelp stays where it is, the wave rolls past it. The water itself doesn’t move until the wave breaks.
So, as a result, no two three-foot waves are ever the same. Some can be weak, slow and sloppy, i.e., no energy. And some three foot waves can be fast, strong, clean and powerful. Great energy.
Shaka geev um, brah.
Sunday, May 19, 2013
Saturday, May 18, 2013
The Cubs are gonna Riker’s beard this beeeeeyaaaatch, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers
An Austrian man who cut his arm off in an industrial accident, drove himself nine miles to the hospital; the worst part? He was texting while driving.
O.J. Simpson is back in court and he has gained a lot of weight; all my life I wanted to be built just like OJ Simpson and now I am. Super.
In New Jersey, a man, 75, and a woman, 66, were busted for running a cocaine and prostitution ring out of a retirement home; because who doesn’t want a prostitute who will give you a $50 discount for rubbing her bunions?
Who doesn’t want a hooker who smells like Ben Gay?
Who doesn’t want a hooker who plays the Jumble puzzle while you’re having sex?
Who doesn’t want a hooker who sends you a check for $4 on your birthday?
Since you asked:
Had an awesome SUP surf session at La Jolla Shores this morgan. Nice sets of close to four feet. Got some nice rights and kicked out.
But, man was I whomped, tired, bushed, beat, kerflumped. When I was watching my Blackhawks, I fell asleep for what seemed like a second and it turns out it was one hour later. It is the closest I will ever get to time travel.
Then watched the Preakness. Bummer Orb didn’t win. Or as dyslexics call him: Bro.
But the Preakness really is the Pontiac to the Derby’s Cadillac. The Jimmy Christ to Jesus Christ. The Steven Tyler to Mick Jagger. The Ke$ha to Shakira. The memorabilia re- trial OJ to the murder trial OJ. The Lyndon Johnson to Kennedy. The Nixon to Lyndon Johnson. The Jefferson Starship to Jefferson Airplane. The all-the-sequel “Lethal Weapons” to “Lethal Weapon.” The post “Ransom” Mel Gibson to the pre “Ransom” Mel Gibson. "Cosby" to "The Cosby Show." The four-striped knock-offs to Adidas. New "American Idol" to now "American Idol."
And the Belmont is an intramural football game to the Rose Bowl.
Friday, May 17, 2013
Thursday, May 16, 2013
We so gonna so gonna, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers
An Indiana sewer worker discovered a Civil War cannonball; it is even signed by Civil War Brigadier General Larry King.
A 21-year-old Chicago man was arrested in Florida for soliciting a prostitute on his wedding night; apparently he had that old seven-hour itch.
O.J. Simpson made an appearance in court; O.J. now stands for obese and jaundiced.
A 21-year-old Chicago man was arrested in Florida for soliciting a prostitute on his wedding night; this guy makes the Kim Kardashian/Kris Humphries marriage look good.
Detroit Lions receiver, Titus Young, was arrested three times in one week; or as the Cincinnati Bengals call that: one week.
Kobe Bryant is suing his mother for selling his memorabilia; Thanksgiving should be fun at the Bryant house. “Could you pass the potatoes to my child I bore who is suing me for selling an old t-shirt?”
There is a Viagra commercial where a guy with an old truck is camping by himself on the beach and his lighter doesn’t work so he starts a bonfire by scraping his knife against a rock. Are they trying to market to guys too stupid to use the truck’s cigarette lighter?
A 21-year-old Chicago man was arrested in Florida for soliciting a prostitute on his wedding night; how much money is this guy going to spend on anniversary presents?
OJ Simpson is in court looking bloated and fat; all my life I wanted to have a build like OJ Simpson. Now I do. Life sucks.
Since you asked:
There is a good reason doing something differently generally sucks.
Wednesday, May 15, 2013
They got the snookus in they tuchus, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers
O.J. Simpson is in court blaming his prison sentence on his lawyer; a double murderer versus a lawyer. That’s tough. Who do you pick on that one?
It was hot today. I was sweating like Sergio Garcia looking at a water hazard.
The Los Angeles Dodgers finally won after an eight game losing streak; This officially makes the Dodgers the highest paid losers not named Kardashian.
They are going to make the movie “Rocky” into a lavish Broadway musical. “That sounds like a great idea,” said the only gay “Rocky” fan in the world.
Since you asked:
Bill Maher is a funny and wildly successful guy. The problem? He’s a jerk. Know this from talking to a woman who wrote for him. She probably doesn’t have to work again from the sexual harassment settlement she won while working at “Politically Incorrect.”
Maher revealed that reverse racism is still racism. He made a joke that Barack Obama was only Wayne Brady black, not real black. And Brady is pissed. And he should be.
What Maher was trying to convey is that he prefers his black men more “street.” That makes Maher seem cooler. What he is also saying is that Black men should be less articulate and more confrontational.
That is racist. “What do you mean you people?”
When an announcer says a white player is articulate, he means he is well-educated and verbally adroit. When an announcer says a black player is articulate, they mean he doesn’t sound like Moses Malone, “Fo’, fo’, fo.’
Maher is as white as it gets, so Brady offered to give Maher a beat-down in public to prove his blackness. Maher ran and hid.
Now who is the pathetic racial stereotype? Maher is the quintessential cowardly white weakling sucking up to black people because he is afraid of them.