Friday, May 26, 2017


You cain’t help but laugh, there ain’t nothin’ else you can do, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers



The Montana congressional candidate, Greg Gianforte, who body slammed a “Guardian” reporter to the ground, got elected. Well, that should show him.

A “Huffpost” article claims jokes about Donald Trump could be dividing the country. Come on, asking comedians not to do jokes about Trump is like asking a shark to ignore Chris Christie swimming in a Speedo made of filet mignon.


Yesterday was the tenth anniversary of PornHub. And today is the tenth anniversary of guys erasing their browser history each day.



After the Celtics-Cavs game, Shaquille O’Neal and Charles Barkley got in a spat. Apparently they were arguing over who got them kicked out of Olive Garden for exceeding the “Never Ending Pasta Bowl” agreement. 


Montana Senate candidate, Greg Gianforte, slammed a “Guardian” reporter to the ground. Gianforte is an Italian word that means Sean Spicer.



It is Fleet Week in New York. Attention New York women in bars, the term Petty Officer Third Class does not mean the guy in the white suit owns the ship.


A Florida man was cleared of murder after his claim his girlfriend died of choking during oral sex, and he presented his large penis as evidence. The jury quickly returned a Not Guilty verdict as well as three requests to meet for drinks.







Since you asked:


Trying to find a bright side in the Donald Trump fiasco, we should all learn there really is a silent majority out there who are sick of political correctness. To the right of loud vocal minority of  entertainers and 95% of the media, they are in favor of returning to a more honest and common sense way of communicating. 

Let’s hope that way of communicating falls short of insensitivity. 

As a comedy writer, I am against political correctness, but 9 out of 10 editorials I have read against being PC end up being pretty ugly. 

But things have gone too far.

For example, when the gay community informs us - with a straight face - they are adding a second Q to their label, LGBTQ and that extra Q is for people who want to be called queer?  Inclusion and entitlement has turned into an abused joke. 

Just about the time we were starting to believe from the press anyone who even said the name Washington Redskins was a racist, a poll reveals 90% of Native Americans are not offended by the name Redskins. (Now the name Washington is another story) 

What harm can come from erring on the side of political correctness? A lot of harm. It interferes with freedom of speech, freedom of expression and it flies in the face of plain old honesty and common sense. 

Not to mention it makes comedy writing almost impossible.


As long as the intent is not to hurt or offend, we need to back off and allow people to express their beliefs whether we like them or not. We have to stop pandering to the millions of people looking to be offended each and every day.


Oh, fancy Wally, he's comin' to town. 
Oh, fancy Wally, he's not messin' around

Thursday, May 25, 2017

A Florida man was cleared of murder after his claim his girlfriend died of choking during oral sex, and he presented his large penis as evidence. How big was his penis? It was exhibit A, B and C.

Dire Straits - Money For Nothing music video (Good quality, all countries)


We got to install microwave ovens, custom kitchen deliveries, we got to move these refrigerators, we got to move these color TV’s, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers







A black man received a penis transplant from a white donor. “No, this works out great for both of us,” said Caitlyn Jenner. 

Mice have been born on the International Space Station using freeze-dried sperm. Finally, our long mouse-shortage nightmare appears to be over.



While visiting the Sistine Chapel in Rome, Donald Trump got Melania Trump to hold his hand. It is early, but catholic officials are applying for it to be deemed a miracle. 


A Florida man was cleared of murder after his claim his girlfriend died of choking during oral sex, and he presented his large penis as evidence. The jury issued a not-guilty verdict and three proposals for marriage.


In South Africa, a black man received a penis transplant from a white donor. Asked to comment, the black guy said, “Hurray. Eww wee. Color me giddy. Rah, rah.” 


A black man received a successful penis transplant from a white donor. You know what you call a white guy getting a successful penis transplant from a black guy? The penis lottery.



Montana Senate candidate, Greg Gianforte, body slammed a “Guardian” reporter to the ground. Things are different in Montana. That reporter is lucky Gianforte did not brand him and make him a Montana Prom date.



A Florida man was cleared of murder after his claim his girlfriend died of choking during oral sex, and he presented his large penis as evidence. Score another win for the Florida Penal Code. 




A Florida man was cleared of murder after he claims his girlfriend choked during oral sex. His penis was so big he could not wear a condom. So, if the glove did not fit, they had to acquit.



Montana Senate candidate, Greg Gianforte, body slammed a “Guardian” reporter to the ground. Seriously who does Gianforte think he is? United Airlines? 




Since you asked:



There are two things that separate the men from the boy rock stars: 1, an unplugged session, and B, a documentary. And, trois, consistency and lack of pretension.  


Clapton does an unplugged and everyone else wanted to do it. What did we learn? There is only one Eric Clapton. 


Forget which 80’s hair band tried to jump on the unplugged wagon. Poison. Or Rat. Or Rat Poison. Or White Snake. Or the White Snake That Ate Rat Poison. 


Whoever it was, they sucked unplugged.


Saw an “E” documentary on Ted Nugent. At the time I knew I liked a few of his songs and he had said some controversial things, and I knew he liked to hunt. 


After seeing the documentary on Ted Nugent? I hated him. Despised him. He is a world class dick. Not just because he likes to slaughter innocent animals. He screws over everyone he comes in contact with. Oh. And he likes to rape underage girls as his song “Jailbait” attests. Ted Nugent is vile scum. He can’t sing. And he isn’t a good guitarist. He sucks. 


Now I knew I liked David Bowie. Not a huge fan. Liked his hits like everyone else. But real Bowie fans go way beyond and scared me a little. While I will admit it now, Bowie was too weird for me. 


Boy was I wrong. 


After the documentary? Bowie was probably the single most talented man to be a rock star. Maybe him and Prince and Michael Jackson in a three-way tie.


Actor. Dancer. Fashion maven. Singer. Writer. Maybe the best performer ever. Musician. (Underrated on piano, guitar and saxophone) And then he was a mind-blowing producer. Promoter. Stylist. 


It quite possible that I believe David Bowie was too talented not to be an alien. And he has not died, he has gone back home. 

And on top of all that, David Bowie was unfailingly sweet, amazingly thoughtful and wonderful to everyone he came in contact, no matter how big or small. 


Here. I’ll go ahead and say it. David Bowie was the anti-Ted Nugent.


Wednesday, May 24, 2017




A South African man received a successful penis transplant. Or as the procedure is medically termed: a Swapadicktome. 


A Florida man was cleared of murder after he claims his girlfriend died of choking during oral sex. His penis was so big he could not wear a condom. So, if the glove did not fit, they had to acquit.


Assist PL


While visiting the Sistine Chapel in Rome, Donald Trump got Melania Trump to hold his hand. It is early, but catholic officials are applying for it to be deemed a miracle. 

There was an awkward moment when Donald Trump met the Pope. Trump tried to hold Francis’s hand and the Pope swatted it away.



Dallas Cowboy, Ezekiel Elliot had to miss a workout after being in his second car crash of the year. It appears Elliot drives about as well as the Cleveland Browns play football. 


It turns out eating chocolate is good for your heart. Which essentially explains why Chris Christie is still alive. 


Did you see the look on the Pope’s face when he took the picture with Donald Trump? He looks like someone who just found out he got on the wrong train. 


After winning the pole for the Indianapolis 500, Scott Dixon was robbed at gunpoint while eating at Taco Bell. Dixon described the incident as scary, life-threatening and traumatic. And besides eating at Taco Bell, the robbery was rough too.




Book stores are reporting Ivanka Trump’s book, “Women Who Work,” is not selling. It is available in the discount bin with Anthony Weiner’s “How To Use Social Media To Boost Your Career.” 


Nike has signed New York Giant, Odell Beckham Jr. to the most lucrative shoe deal at $5 mil. a year. Some are calling this the greatest shoe deal since Cinderella or Dorothy’s ruby slippers.



Donald and Melania Trump landed in Rome. Personally, I thought it was mean when they got off Air Force One and the band was playing the Beatles’ “I Wanna Hold Your Hand.” 



Donald Trump is still on his international trip. Awkward moment when Eric Trump heard his father was abroad. He said, “Oh no, like Caitlyn Jenner?” 


In South Africa, a black man had a successful penis transplant from a white donor. It was wild, the patient’s body did not reject the organ, but the patient’s wife did. 


Since you asked:

How do you know you’re getting old? When the son of one of your high school coaches is inducted into your high school Hall of Fame. 

Congratulations - not that he will ever see this -  to Jim Burnside, apparently a great soccer coach and the son of our-era, beloved coach, Pete Burnside.

Although I was a huge fan of Mr. Burnside, sadly, I never got to be coached by Pete as I was not in cross country or baseball. But my friends whom he did coach adored him and he inspires them to this day. One still runs and is an award-winning doctor. 

Pete Burnside was the definition of modest to a fault. In addition to being a graduate of Dartmouth, he had a stellar 8-year Major League baseball career as a pitcher with the Detroit Tigers, San Francisco Giants and others. He was funny, kind and caring. 

We had no idea he had that kind of baseball career. He never mentioned it once. 

And yet our football coach had a cup of coffee in Canadian football and demanded to be treated like he was Jim freaking Brown. 

My parents sacrificed a great deal so we could go to school in one of, if not the best, school systems in the country, Winnetka. New Trier is always ranked at the top for public high schools for both academics and sports and I am proud I graduated from there. 

And yet the contrast in quality of coaches was shocking. 

On the upside we had Pete Burnside, Hank Bangser, Mr. Leahey, and Morris Barefield -our token African American coach -  four of the smartest, funniest, kindest and well-intended people on the planet. Hank, Pete, Mr. Leahey (cannot remember his first name) and Morris loved helping kids and you could tell. 

(The bad coaches I will also describe, but they shall remain nameless. And this is just my opinion. Others, I am sure, had more positive experiences)

On the bad side, our aforementioned football coach was a brutish, vain, man-child who put his win-loss record over the physical well-being of the teenagers in his charge. Believe me, I know, he forced me to play on a torn hamstring. Prior to that I played with broken fingers, a broken rib, a sprained ankle, a ten-stitch lacerated eye-brow and a cracked toe. Although he was truly stupid, that mono-syllabic thug was also just a plain old bad guy. Just for how he treated me, he should have served prison time. (Again. My opinion)

One of our assistant football coaches, and our head coach's best friend, was a mouth-breathing, snot-blowing, crotch-grabbing moron who would eventually descend into the nether regions of Chicago mafia-controlled gay porn. He was too stupid to pay off his mafia-payoff, so he only survived a bombing attempt because the wise-guys sent to do the job were just as stupid as he was. They blew themselves up on the way to destroy him and his gay-porn/sex shop.

And yet my sophomore team head football coach, Mr. Leahey, was a great guy, caring and fair, and a damn good coach - we won the league - and one hell of a math teacher.  

It goes back and forth. My freshman football coach was as great a gymnastics coach as he was an awful football coach. Not once did I touch the football, and the next year, under coach Leahey, I scored 22 touchdowns. 

One assistant football coach was a morbidly-obese, squeaky-voiced, virgin - I am fairly certain his testicles never descended -  who never played a day of a sport in his life. Though apparently a good physics teacher who insisted on being called Doctor. But because he knew physics, he somehow weaseled his tweedledum  ass into coaching football.

He was also probably history’s only 5 foot 4, 300-pound-plus long jump coach. God help us, but he was a pompous piece of crap. 

And yet, on the other hand, another of our assistant football coaches, Hank Bangser, was an outstanding coach, a great guy who became the superintendent of the school and considered one of the best educators in the country. Nobody did not like and respect Mr. Bangser. 

Back to the flip side, another assistant  football coach was a degenerate alcoholic who was also sexual predator who frequently had illicit affairs by praying on emotionally-damaged high school girls. Although fun to be around, he also should have done time. 

And here I was lucky enough to go to a great high school with some outstanding coaches, and yet they still had characters coaching kids who were, at best, inept and, at worst, the absolute dregs of society. Virtually criminals. 

This trend of good and awful coaches continued with my daughter, a competitive soccer player. While most of her coaches were good, she ran into a female high school coach who was like my high school football coach: a sadistic sociopath who flat out did not like her.

So my daughter quit soccer and is now competing in track at a wonderful division one college, Cal Poly San Luis Obispo. Blessing in disguise. And the sadistic soccer coach got fired. 

The point is, you will probably have good coaches, but if you do run into a bad one, it is what you make of it. 

80-20 pops up again. 80% of coaches are good, but the 20% that are bad are so awful they can do serious damage. Your job, as the athlete or the parent of the athlete, is to mitigate the damage. 

So let's toast to us having more good coaches, like the Burnside family. Father Pete, and sons Jim and John. 





Monday, May 22, 2017

American Woman - The Guess Who (Whole Version)

Get your hot takes and your species-elevating insights here, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers


A large sinkhole has developed in front of Donald Trump’s Mar-a-Lago estate. An emergency repair crew arrived as well as the Department of Sardonic Metaphors.


Critics have been brutal about Ivanka Trump’s book, “Women Who Work.” Ivanka should have gone with the other title idea: “How to Hit A Home Run After Being Born on Third Base.” 



The Ringling Brothers Circus held its last show in New York closing after 146 years. Now the title of “The Greatest Show on Earth” goes to United Airlines. 


In Israel, Donald Trump visited the Wailing Wall. Awkward moment when Ed. Sec., Betsy DeVos asked, “Where are all the whales?” 


Did you see Melania swatting away Donald Trump’s hand before flying off in Air Force One? If you look closely, you can actually see the orange hand make-up puff up. 


Did you see Melania swatting away Donald Trump’s hand? Wait. I thought if you were famous women let you grab them?


Did you see Melania swatting away Donald Trump’s hand? Apparently Melania was still angry about being taken to the Wailing Wall and finding out there were no whales.


The Ringling Brothers Circus held its last show in New York closing after 146 years. The guy who cleaned up after the elephants will now work as an assistant to Kellyanne Conway.


Did you see Melania swatting away Donald Trump’s hand? You have to give it to Melania. With the size of Trump’s tiny hand, that was one accurate swat.


In Israel, Donald Trump visited the Wailing Wall. Or as Trump calls it, the Wailing “You call this a wall?” 


“CBS Sports” ranked the Chargers’ off-season as the worst in the league. Not only that, but the Chargers are not sure of their name. They may go the inclusive route of the Los Angeles Angels of Anaheim and go The Los Angeles Chargers of Carson With Torrance Adjacent. 



A sinkhole has developed in front of Donald Trump’s Mar-a-Lago estate. Asked to comment, a Trump executive said, “Yeah, it’s a sinkhole. Not a grave for anyone, especially not James Comey. It’s a sinkhole.” 




Since you asked:


Friday, May 19, 2017

The Guess Who ~ Share The Land (1970) lyrics




Sure, maybe this a little '70's hippy corny, but I love it. Underrated band, underrated song. 





Come and get your hot takes of species-elevating incites, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers


United bought the naming rights for the LA Memorial Coliseum for $75 million. In a related story, Spirit Airlines bought the naming rights to minor league field of the Newark Nut Jobs.

Donald Trump told the Russian diplomats he fired “Nut Job” James Comey. And for an extra $50, Russian hookers will give you a “Nut Job.” 

After Anthony Weiner plead guilty to sending obscene material to a 15-year-old girl, his wife, Huma Abadin, has filed for divorce. She is citing irreconcilable dic-pics.


Donald Trump called the Russian investigation a witch hunt. Um. Donald Trump does know that witches were not real, right?


Steve Harvey’s ex-wife wants $60 mil. for what she calls her soul murder. See? This is why Steve has to send memos so people won’t talk to him.


Tom Brady will endorse an Austin Martin car that costs $212,000. Today the executives at Austin Martin had to undergo the concussion protocol. 


Anthony Weiner pled guilty to sending obscene material to a 15-year-old girl and he cried in court. Think he’s crying now? Wait until he finds out how prisoners treat pedophiles named Weiner. 

Anthony Weiner plead guilty to sending obscene material to a 15-year-old girl. If there’s justice, Weiner will be put in the same cell as the other pedophile, Jared from Subway. They can fight over who gets to be the sandwich or the wiener. 

Campbell Soup’s profits are down. Their quarterly earnings were not mmm, mmm, good. 


Since you asked:


Call me an underachiever, but if I have coffee in the kitchen, gas in my car, dog food in the bin, cash in my wallet, money in my checking account, wine in the pantry, something to grill in the fridge, running shoes, clean drawers, fully-working, A, B, Bb, C and D harmonicas, I feel pretty good. 

Thursday, May 18, 2017

Chris Cornell - Thank You (Cover Led Zeppelin) Unplugged In Sweden


United Airlines bought the naming rights for USC’s home, the LA Memorial Coliseum for $75 million. USC will change its fight song from “Fight On” to “Drag On.”


(Assist Janice Hough) 


Chris Cornell "Nothing Compares 2 U" Prince Cover Live @ SiriusXM // Lit...


Here is my Wally Dawg. Note the long eyelashes and the "Yes, can I help you?" look.


Otis and the Stanky Leg want to announce their presence with authority, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers



In Australia, the cat, Omar, is going for the record of World’s longest cat at four feet. That cat is so long, it would take Trump both hands to grab that pussy.



The Cincinnati airport is using mini-horses to comfort stressed travelers. However the stress level of the Cincinnati airport cleaning crew has gone way up. 



The Cincinnati airport is using mini-horses to comfort stressed travelers. This was way better than the Feeding Hungry Ferrets idea. 



Last month, Kenny-G played saxophone on a Delta flight. That’s great. But I won’t be impressed until a sax player can pull a Jimi Hendrix and play behind his back.



It is being reported “Fox News’” Kimberly Guilfoyle will replace Sean Spicer as White House Press Secretary. They just have to wait to see whether “Saturday Night Live” will use Cicely Strong or Melissa Villasenor to player her. 



Sadly, Amy Schumer has broken up with her boyfriend. Turns out Amy just stole the idea of breaking up from Chelsea Handler.



On “CBS This Morning” Tom Brady’s wife, Giselle, said Tom has had concussions all the time. Asked to comment, Brady said, “I like waffles.” 



A White House official said Tuesday was the worst day so far. So since they had a day where Trump had to fire the FBI head to keep him from investigating the video of Russian prostitutes peeing on him, I am guessing Tuesday was a gang rape by escaped Turkish prisoners? 



Roger Ailes, the “Fox News” head forced to resign due to countless sexual harassment charges, died at 77. We’re not sure of the Viagra overdose rumors, but they are having a hard time closing the coffin lid.

(Sorry if, once again, I did not have any species-elevating incites today. Hope my takes are hot enough) 

Since you asked:



Rest in Peace Soulful Knight

In what now seems like a long time ago, I was standing in a side wing of the Hard Rock Casino lobby in Las Vegas looking at a display/shrine to Soundgarden. With slot machines dinging in the near distance, inside the case they had a poster promoting a concert and they may have had one of Chris Cornell’s shirts, I don’t remember. 

Do remember looking at Cornell with his wavy long brown hair, steely blue-green eyes and handsome, lean medieval knight penetrating stare and thinking something like, well, it just does not get any cooler than that. How great would it be to be this guy?

If you ever needed proof, here is the perfect example: you just do not know what private wars people are fighting. 

Wednesday, May 17, 2017

A former San Diego Charger security guard - caught masturbating near the cheerleaders - sentenced to four years probation. He was also given the lesser-charge of impersonating Dean Spanos.




The Cincinnati airport is using mini-horses to comfort stressed travelers. However the stress level of the Cincinnati airport cleaning crew has gone way up. 





On a personal note, I would like to thank the press for asking for quotes. At this time, I would just like to say the rumors of my involvement with Taylor Swift are not true. Mostly.








Speaking to the Coast Guard, Donald Trump said,  

"No politician in history has been treated worse or more unfairly.”

 “Wow, that is interesting," said the ghosts of Abraham Lincoln, John F. Kennedy and Bobby Kennedy. 

Tuesday, May 16, 2017



Callista Gingrich will be the ambassador to the Vatican. She'll have to give up her current job: ambassador to crazy vampire owl people





“The Washington Post” reports Donald Trump provided classified information to Russian diplomats. It could be worse. No. Actually, that’s almost as bad as it gets.



In Florida, a group of parents were upset to see a video of their children twerking and lap-dancing in class. How could they forget to teach the kids pole dancing?


Conrad Hilton was in jail for stealing a car, Donald Trump gave classified information to Russians and it is coming up on the 130th anniversary of Doc Holliday’s death. The worst week in history for people with their names on hotels.



Melania Trump announced they will include the White House movie theater on the tours. Playing right now is the Russian classic, “Dude, Where’s My Czar?” 




Sen. Mitch McConnell would like less drama from Trump. You’ve heard the expression “He has to be the bride at every wedding and the corpse at every funeral”? Donald Trump has to be the rectum at every colonoscopy.






Since you asked:

Tuesday was - in the words of a senior White House official - the worst day of Donald Trump’s presidency. And that is a president who had a day he had to fire the head of the FBI to keep him from investigating a video of Trump getting peed on by Russian prostitutes. 

Tuesday had to be one hell of a day. 




Monday, May 15, 2017


The bad Fallkuuune rides again for the only living boy in New York, Torn Slattern and Nugget Ranchers


“60 Minutes” did a segment on the Mars research rover Curiosity. Curiosity discovered the only living thing on Mars: Antonio Cromartie’s sperm.


NFL-star Antonio Cromartie’s wife is pregnant with his 14th child despite a vasectomy. Cromartie’s sperm could not be thrown off of a United flight.


Hillary Clinton has launched a new political group called “Onward Together,” that will stress inclusiveness. Well, except for Wisconsin and Michigan.


“60 Minutes” did a segment on Osama bin Laden’s son, Hamza bin Laden. Hamza is more dangerous than his brothers, Tito and Jermaine bin Laden.


“King Arthur: Legend of the Sword,” bombed at the box office. It was so bad they’re changing the name to “King Arthur: Legend of the Lightsaber.” 

The New York Yankees retired Derek Jeter’s #2. In a related story, the Yankees also framed the results of Alex Rodriguez’s second positive steroid test.


“60 Minutes” did a segment on the Mars research rover Curiosity. Curiosity has even taken pictures of the Mars’ billion-year-old formation: Mount Larry King.


At Yankee Stadium they unveiled Derek Jeter’s plaque, but I am not sure about it.




Donald Trump is planning a massive shakeup of his staff. When someone told him who the biggest problem was, Trump said, “OK, so let’s fire this Potus clown.” 




Turns out the story of a Chicago woman irate over her haircut who ran over her hairdresser was fake news. But I believed it. Hell hath no fury like a woman shorn.


A high-school cheerleader in El Paso was arrested for submitting a false police report after she confessed she made up her home had been burglarized so she could keep her uniform. Her attorney used the vaunted, “Kick ‘em back, kick ‘em back, way back,” defense. 


Kellyanne Conway made $39 million on a polling company she started at 28. Or as “MSNBC” reported: “Kellyanne Conway worked on the pole at 28.” 


Since you asked:


Thanks for all the requests from the press for quotes. Just going to say I do not believe all the rumors I am being cast over Charlie Hunnam for the next James Bond. 

Big win for us Friday and we looked good in the press today. Well, except for that picture of me in the “New York Post” that makes me look like Quasimodo in a hot dog eating contest. 

No lie, that picture makes me look 58, fat and weather-damaged. Oh. Right. I am. But a muscular 58, fat and weather-damaged.