Tuesday, October 21, 2014

Huge Jon Gruden fan. So here is my Jon Gruden imitation done in my best Midwestern “Dah Bearsssss” accent:

“Mike, when the weak side strong safety is in the cover two technique, he has to read play-action on the tight end’s zip route hashtag I don’t know what I’m sayin’ and he’s got East Coast contain Lady Havisham on the flush drop side back zone z gap.”

A Florida stay-at-home mom has petitioned Toys R Us to remove their “Breaking Bad” action figures. Toys R Us also plans to unveil the new “Busy-Body, Bored, Alcoholic House Wife” action figure. House coat, wine box and vibrator sold separately.

Canada has shipped an Ebola vaccine to Europe for testing. It looks good, if Canada can rid themselves of Justin Bieber, they can get rid of Ebola.

The Dallas Cowboys have the best record in the NFL, 6-1, since picking up openly gay player, Michael Sam, for their practice squad. In a related story, the struggling Chicago Bears announced Neil Patrick Harris is on their practice squad.

Friday, October 17, 2014

President Obama has named Ron Klain as the Ebola Czar. Because, if Russia’s history has taught us anything, if you want things to go really well, appoint a Czar. 

It is going to be an exciting World Series between the San Francisco Giants and the Kansas City Royals. And Neil Patrick Harris is going to be the host.

President Obama has named Ron Klain as the Ebola Czar. That’s a title that will make you popular.  “Guess who is coming over for cocktails? The Ebola Czar.”
His mother must be so proud. Have you met my son, Ronnie? He’s the Ebola Czar you know.”

New York Knick Amar’e Stoudemire took a selfie that reveals he bathes in red wine. There is a name for this treatment, it’s called “Why the rest of the world hates us.”
Even Kanye West is like, “Yo, throttle back the doucheness, dude.”

France is trying to cut down on binge-drinking in young adults. It won’t be easy, how else besides binge-drinking are the French going to be able to tolerate being around so many French people?

It is going to be an exciting World Series between the San Francisco Giants and the Kansas City Royals. Opponents of the Giants have been making amusing signs mildly trolling outfielder, Hunter Pence, ala “Hunter Pence eats pizza with a fork.”
Personally, I am huge fan of the old-school Hunter Pence, but I also love the signs. So here are a few of my Hunter Pence signs:
Hunter Pence does not share his French fries.
Hunter Pence over-pronounces Quesadilla.
Hunter Pence uses multiple exclamation marks!!!!
Hunter Pence broke up with a girlfriend via text
Hunter Pence never makes more coffee
Hunter Pence Googles Hunter Pence. A lot.
Hunter Pence likes to talk about kale
Hunter Pence live tweets “Game of Thrones.”

Hunter Pence is not a dog person

Hunter Pence gives healthy treats for Halloween

No lie. A woman in front of me in a huge black Mercedes sedan did not move when the light turned green. When I tapped the horn, she angrily gestured for me to go around her. When I did I could see she was furiously typing something on an iPad tablet. 
She stopped long enough to throw me the stink-eye. 

Here is a partial list of things that, god forbid, could happen to you today:

You could get hit by a drunk driver
You could have an airplane part hit your house
You could, as we worry about in California, get hit by a big earthquake.
A bear could escape from the zoo and terrorize your neighborhood.

You want to know what is not going to happen to you today? You're not going to get the Ebola virus. 

Thursday, October 16, 2014

If you are still trying to decide what to be this Halloween, you can’t go wrong with a slutty Joe Biden.

Kim Jong Un made his first public appearance in over 40 days. Apparently his first words were; “Oh my word, did you know there is porn on the Internet?”

The search engine, Bing, claims it has an app that can predict which candidates will win the mid-term elections. You just have to Google it.