Let's get cracky and smacky and stop being tacky, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

South Carolina Gov./ horndog, Mark Sanford, said his Argentine tryst was "a forbidden, tragic love story." If you were previously considered a world class a-hole, congratulations, Sanford just raised the bar and you are off the hook.

Is it possible for this guy to shut up? He is more annoying than Joe Biden on Redbull.

"Rolling Stone" magazine features the Jonas Brothers on the cover; along with Madonna's induction to the Rock & Roll Hall of Fame, this officially places the last nail in the coffin of rock and roll.

Karl Malden passed at 97. If he could have just made it a little less than three years to his birthday, March 22, he would have been one hundred on the nose.

In one of the great celebrity ironies, Micheal Jackson's death just out-nosed Karl Malden's.

Since you asked:
So I got me this planter fasciitis - tendinitis under the foot - that is totally manageable unless I hop up on my feet after sitting for a while. Then it feels like a big sharp rock is stuck in the bottom of my foot.

This is how it was when I jumped up to get the mail today. But rather than show weakness and limp, I affected a "Damn it's good to be a Gangstah" pimp roll to the mail box and, instead of thinking me old and frail, the neighbors thought they were witnessing a total bad ass.

Talk about making lemonade out of lemons . . .

Hounds

Kasey is still the sweet, worried-looking honey bear she has been since a puppy. But that ol' Wrigley T. houndoggy dog has to be the most opinionated dog I have ever seen.

He whines/howls the second he decides he wants to be fed. Try to get him out of bed too early and he gives you cursory "Hi, now go away" thump wag of his tail. He whines/howls when he wants to come inside.

And when he wants to be petted, he plops sitting down right in front of your face and bats you with his big puppy paw until you pet him. You stop before he wants you to? He bats you again. And again. Or he sticks his muzzle and big dumb head under your hand until you commence to scratching his big hound dog ears. Then he arches his head back as if he was a King saying;

"We are amused."

Sagacity, no two ways about it, to paraphrase a Mark Twain character in "Roughing It." Sagacity.

Twenty years ago, if somebody told you, on this date, you would be doing a hell of a lot better than Michael Jackson, would you have believed it?

Man, Michael could have stopped at crazy ten years ago and everything would have been fine. No, he had to take way past just crazy.

Did you hear? South Carolina changed their state motto from; "While I breathe, I hope" to; "Help, our horny Governor is talking and he can't shut up."


Mark Sanford said his tryst was "a forbidden, tragic love story."And his Argentine squeeze, Maria, is responding, she said; "Uh, yeah, I think I want to start seeing other governors. It's not you, its me. Oh hell, who am I kidding? Its you."


What with all these celebrities getting knocked off, it makes me glad that I don't have enough talent or good looks or discipline to ever be a famous celebrity. Wait, why do I suddenly feel so very sad?

Wait, if talent or good looks and discipline are the keys to being a celebrity, how come Tom Arnold is a celebrity?

Here is what confuses me about Chaz, nee Chastity Bono. She used to be an outspoken and often angry and militant spokes person for lesbians and feminists. Now she is going to become a man? Isn't that like a Captain of the Navy Seals joining the Taliban?

Chaz Bono is serious about becoming a man. She is stocking up on her "I'm a lesbian in a man's body" crass dumb guy jokes.

Good times, bad times, you know I’ve had my share, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

Groundbreaking
South Carolina Gov. Mark Sanford described his Argentina tryst as “a forbidden, tragic love story.” In a related story, construction began today on the Douche Bag Hall of Fame.

Huh?
A Bogota’s soccer team’s newly named coach, Rubin Israel, quit and left Columbia before coaching one game due to death threats. Gosh, I wonder what those people in Columbia could be doing that would make them so edgy and cranky?

Scary
At a press conference for his deceased son, Michael Jackson’s father, Joe, started by plugging his record label. I think the name of Joe’s recording company is S.B.F.R., Soulless Bottom Feeder Records.

At a press conference for his deceased son, Michael Jackson’s father, Joe, started by plugging his record label. After observing this scary sleaze-bucket, Joe Jackson, is anyone really surprised at how screwed up poor Michael Jackson ended being?

Good match
Now that Al Franken has won his Senate race, Norm Coleman has now lost elections in Minnesota to a pro wrestler and a comedian; Coleman, however, is said to be confident in his run for the state legislature against an accordian-playing ventriloquist.

Get nekkid and cool down
Environmentalists claim being naked a couple hours a day will help fight global warming. Guys are going to run with this: “Hey, baby, whaddya say we go back to my place and save the planet?”

Environmentalists claim being naked a couple hours a day will help fight global warming; some experts see this as a simple and insightful way to fight global warming, others see this as a lame attempt by lonely environmentalists to nude up with the babes.

Running her mouth
In an interview with “Runners World” Sarah Palin said she would beat President Barack Obama in a road race because she has better endurance. Oh, please. The only way Barack could lose to Palin in any race is if he chose her for vice president.

Makes sense
A survey reveals, since the economy went bad, condom sales have gone up; that makes sense, it’s bound to have an effect when you hear over and over again how screwed we are.

Running her mouth, 2 & 3
In an interview with “Runners World” Sarah Palin said she would beat President Barack Obama in a road race because she has better endurance. Oh please, she would have a better chance trying to beat David Letterman at a Top Ten list.

In “Runners World” Sarah Palin said she would beat President Barack Obama in a road race because she has better endurance. The trash talking has begun. An anonymous White House official replied Obama would like to race Palin, but he would smoke her and he is trying to quit.

Updating my own joke
Technology is amazing. Ten years ago if a guy asked a girl at a bar if he could Twitter, Facebook and Google her Wikipedia with his Palm Pilot he would have had a drink thrown in his face.

Since you asked:

Virg’s niece, Natalie, is visiting from Colorado. She is nine but an old, sweet soul and she gets along great with about-to-be-11, Ann Caroline, who is likewise.

It is also fun to see their itinerary because it is easy to forget how much there is to do in your own town. Here is my top ten list of things to do in and around San Diego during the Fourth:

The beach. (Includes all activities, surfing, boogie boarding, kayaking, fishing, sailing, etc.)

The San Diego Zoo.

Sea World.

Hiking Torrey Pines State Park or play golf at Torrey Pines Golf Course.

Legoland

The San Diego Fair for Fireworks (Right afterwards it is the Del Mar race track season)

Wild Animal Park

Picnic and watch the sunset (Del Mar, Solana Beach, Cardiff, La Jolla Shores, Seaport Village)

Ferry to and bike ride around Coronado, lunch at the Hotel Del Coronado.

Wine tasting in Temecula.

In the last ten years, going to Mexico for lobster went from #3 to falling completely off the list because of the rampant increase of violence and crime. Now when you read about a tragedy befalling an American tourist in Mexico, the risk is so ridiculously high, one no longer feels any empathy. It's sad, but true.

Also on the list could be one of my favorite things to do, eat at the Gaslamp's old school seafood and steak place, Lou and Mickeys and then saunter - and yes, I mean saunter - over to the friendly canines of Petco Park, aka Bark Park, Fido Field, Kitty City, Flea Field, Doggie Den, Parrot Place, Puppy Porch, to watch the Padres, especially if my beloved Cubbies are in town.

Oh, and picnic on the bay and then saunter - my, I've been doing a lot of sauntering lately - across the street to see a concert at Humphreys by the Bay.

And of course, come see me and our band, the Railheads, playing on a Friday night at a great sports/dive bar. That goes without saying.

Remember, there is a big difference between being naked and gettin' nekkid. Being naked is just taking off your clothes, gettin' nekkid is taking them off specifically to do some funny bidness.

Brown chicken, brown cow . . .

Not to excuse anything that ass-clown, Mark Sanford, did or said, but I do think my Winnetka upbringing can shed a tad of light on this topic ala his Winnetka born and raised wife, Jenny.

Not to get into trouble with my home girls, but Winnetka, as well as all wealthy suburban Chicago, generally speaking mind you, sprouts out two kinds of girls. The first are the overwhelming majority, very pretty, fit, cute, fun, sports-loving, Cub fan, tavern dancing, beer-pong-playing, funny "Woo Who" shouting down-to-earth and yet gorgeous and sweet midwestern girls, lord bless them. Think Ferris Bueller's hot girlfriend, actual-Winnetka-bred Ann Margaret and, on the artsy side, Liz Phair, close-to-Winnetka-bred Bonnie Hunt and wherever-she-is-from Anna Feris, Anna personifies the fun-type of Winnetka girl, to name a few. (Turns out Feris is from Baltimore)

The next type is the not-close-to-fun Winnetka girls are thankfully smaller in percentage, but, unfortunately do exist in solid numbers as spoiled rotten, snotty, wildly competitive, over-achieving, grasping, gold-digging social climbing, two-faced country club back-stabbing toxic-rumor-spewing, horribly sexually repressed ice queen socio-path evil shrews.

Did I mention they were gold diggers?

These are amazing and scary women who can say with their mouth; "It is so wonderfully nice to meet you" while their eyes say; "If I could wish you a horrible death, I would." It's chilling. Believe me, I know, I took some of their daughters out on dates.

For the evil types think Ferris Bueller's sister, Reese Whitherspoon in "Election," Joan Cusak in "High Fidelity" Their goddess is Martha Stewart. Their political goddess is close-to-Winnetka-bred Hillary Clinton.

The best example of this type in fiction is Mary Tyler Moore's bloodless character in "Ordinary People." And this isn't only about the money. The vilest and cruelly most heartless and greediest crazy beyatch I've ever met grew up in blue collar rusty-transmissions-on-the-barren-lawn white trash borderline poverty. They don't have to come from wealth, but they always end up marrying into it.

These are mothers who are far more concerned about their children's table manners than their children's happiness. They chose to shower their kids with expensive clothes rather than love. If rejected, you can always take clothes back. (My mother, and her good friends, were absolutely nothing like that)

And yet at UC Santa Barbara, I knew many pretty girls who grew up wealthy in rich towns outside of San Francisco and Los Angeles, and one from Bakersfield, who simply were beautiful, kind and sweet, friendly and honest and funny, not one anything like that hornet nest of evil women from suburban Chicago. Why buccolic suburban Chicago seems to spawn this viscoussness I have no idea.

These are the acid-blooded aliens, I've mentioned before, who would rather die than not write a nice hand-written "Thank You" note, but they would run someone down with their luxury SUV like a rabid dog if anyone got in the way of something they wanted.

Although I have no proof she is the latter evil Winnetka-bred woman, to me, Jenny Sullivan Sanford sure ain't no sweet, fun "woo who" shouting tavern gal neither.

I'm just sayin' . . .

Police stopped a hearse and found a hundred pounds of pot in the coffin. Police became suspicious when they heard the funeral service was to be given by Snoop Dog.

So what are, in order, my online web site addictions? Facebook, Blogger, Checkers, Giglish, MSNBC, Amazon, "Late Show with David Letterman."

Can a brother get a hey-nan-nanny and a ha-cha-cha up in here one time, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers?


Mark Sanford calls his Argentine tryst a "a forbidden and tragic love story." Or as we non-a-holes call that: adultery.

This just in: Joe Biden just delivered a two and a half hour speech. The topic? Brevity.

A woman walked into a Beverly Hills plastic surgeon and reported she wanted to be just like Paris Hilton; so the doctor said, "Great, take off your clothes, bend over and I'll get the video camera."

"People" magazine featured Chastity Bono's announcement she is going to undergo a sex change operation. From the picture my only question is: from what to what?

"People" magazine featured Chastity Bono's announcement she is going to undergo a sex change operation. Apparently she wants to see what life is like as a really scary guy.

Barack Obama got a little testy with the press when they asked him about his broken promise to quit smoking. I haven't seen a president that cranky about smoking since Monica accidentally broke one of Bill's Cuban cigars.

Overheard at the Beverly Hills Sex Change Office:

"I'm sorry, Chastity Bono, but you're going to have to be more specific when you say you want a sex change operation."

I had an awkward moment today when I offered a high five to Chaz Bono on her incredibly fast and successful sex change operation.

Elizabeth Hasselbeck says a lawsuit accusing her of plagiarism is “without merit.” She went on to add these are the times that try men's souls, but she has nothing to fear but fear itself."

Environmentalists claim being naked for more than two hours a day will help fight global warming. Yeah, but it will kill the walk-in business at Krispy Kreme donuts.

We manufacture our self-righteous indignation by hand, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

Environmentalists say living naked for a few hours a day will help prevent global warming, to which South Carolina Gov. Mark Sanford said; “That’s what I was doing with that Argentine woman, we weren’t having an affair, we were saving the earth. Yeah, that’s it.”

South Carolina Gov. Mark Sanford now admits he saw his Argentine mistress, Maria, five times including several times in New York. To which Elliot Spitzer asked; “So how much does she charge?”

Manny Rameriz is set to end his 50 game suspension for taking steroid-masking female hormones; Manny claims he no longer takes female hormones which explains why he can no longer tolerate watching "The View."

Environmentalists say being naked for a few hours a day will help prevent global warming, the environmentalists did not explain, however, how ruining the upholstery helps global warming.

This is good news for everyone except the employees at the Krispy Kreme home office.

Environmentalists say being naked for a few hours a day will help prevent global warming; oh, guys, you thought "The View" was tough to watch before?

Environmentalists say being naked for a few hours a day will help prevent global warming, let us all take a moment to pray this information does not reach Kirsty Alley or Rush Limbaugh.

You can learn from all these political sex scandals. For example, Mark Sanford taught me that a person from Argentina is Argentine, not Argentinian, Elliot Spitzer taught me the difference between a call girl and a hooker is about $1,000, John Edwards taught me that the illegitimate child is not the one that is the bastard, the father is, and Idaho Senator Larry Craig taught me to never, ever touch anything in an airport men's room.

Chicago Cubs manager, Lou Piniella, allegedly told Milton Bradley he was not a ball player, he was a piece-of-sh&t. Which is titanically unfair. The way Bradley has been dogging it around the bases, screaming at umpires and getting ejected, blowing catches and missing the cut-off man in the outfield and generally batting like a drunken debutante in high heels, Milton isn't a piece of sh&t, he is a huge ol' big steaming pile of fetid sh&t.

Let's clear that up straight away.

Sammy Sosa taught me as a Cubs fan the hard way that a selfish, stupid guy who is clubhouse cancer can infect and destroy the hardest working team of hustlers and go-get'ers. The lackluster outfield play of Alfonso Soriano is the proof. the thinking has to be human nature; "That idiot is getting paid a fortune to loaf, why am I busting my hump?"

Since you asked:

Although it would be stupid to test this theory, it is my contention that if I went in the backyard and gathered some of Wrigley's deposits, put it in a professional looking well-packaged bag with the words Organic, Gluton-Free, All-Natural, Low-Fat, High-Fiber, Low-Calorie with anti-oxidents and then snuck it in front of my wife at our local health store grocery, Jimbos, Virg would buy it and bring it home.

Brown chicken, brown cow, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers


(Urban Dictionary explains brown chicken, brown cow, is how the tragically hip kids slyly imply people are having sex as the iambic pentameter and pronunciation of brown chicken, brown cow, resembles the guitar muzak of seventies porn)


Bernie Madoff sentenced to 150 years. So does that mean, when he gets out, he'll be as old as Larry King is now? But, really, it's only 100 if he gets time off for good behavior.

It's worse than it sounds. When Madoff dies, the rest of the time is tagged on to the time he has to spend watching "The View" in hell.

Not to disparage President Bush, but it is kind of nice having a President who doesn't think Carpe Diem is Latin for fish expense money.

Manny Rameriz, serving a 50 game suspension for taking female hormones, is joining the Dodgers on July 3rd in San Diego. Manny is so excited he could cry. He can't wait to see his teammates and discuss their feelings and where their relationship is headed.

Manny returning to the Dodgers against the Padres in San Diego on July 3rd after being suspended for taking female hormones. And Manny loves playing around the Fourth of July; at least I think that's what Manny meant when he said he is on his time of the month . . .

Jenny from the W-town 'hood
Mark Sanford's wife, Jenny, is from my hometown of Winnetka, Illinois. In Winnetka people like to hike the Indian trail which is an actual trail you can scale as opposed to the Appalachian Trail which is a tale the morally frail use to nail Argentine tail.

Oh, snap, yes I d' 'id.

Let's call this next segment:

Lex raps really badly to a sports story

Yo, yo, check it, Joe, Manny being Manny means shots in his fanny from a female name of Annie and Manny took so damn many he's gonna go from a trannie to one day being a granny.

Whaaaaaaaaaaaaaat?

(No, really, I mean what? I've got no idea what the hell that just was)

Since you asked:

Had a lovely time last night listening to Jimmy Buffet, Jack Johnson, the Eagles, the Red Hot Chili Peppers and sipping wine and eating fish tacos while watching the Sunset at Power Park in Del Mar.

The stand up paddle board surfing before that? Not so great.

We go to the park in Del Mar a lot in the Summer and have a picnic and watch the sunset. We usually meet our good friends the Meyers and their dad, my buddy, Allen, goes out and surfs and then joins us. This has always made me jealous until I started SUP surfing.

But I wanted to get good enough to impress my wife and daughter and the Meyers, before I did it during our picnic. Sunday dawns and I decide I am good enough. Last time I went out at La Jolla Shores I rode at least ten great three to four foot waves, turning right, turning left, kicking out.

We get to Del Mar and it looks gnarly. Big waves but really windy and choppy. (Not one fellow SUP was out, this should have been a clue) But I decide to bravely rough it out. Three waves in a row wipe me out and send me all the way back to the beach. Finally, a lull and I paddle like hell to get to the smooth water. The problem? There was no smooth water. It was brutally choppy as far as the eye could see. There were times where I had trouble just sitting on the board, let alone try and stand up and paddle.

After finally getting a semblance of my sea legs, I paddle for a spot where the waves are breaking on a reef 200 yards south. When I get there there is a line of hot shot surfers waiting to go. Too crowded, so I start to paddle back north against the wind. It was a trail of tears. Take two paddles, fall in. Get back up, take four paddles, fall back in. You cannot believe how exhausting this is.

After about forty minutes of this, I call no joy. Time to go in. The problem? Now the sets of waves are huge. Five to six feet and strong. Screw it, I am going to catch one. I square up and paddle straight for the beach. Ride up and down on a roller before it breaks, another. Now my confidence is up. I start paddling harder. Sure enough, I hear the thunder of a big wave coming, I turn around just in time to see it breaking on top of my head. My board goes flying up in the air, so does my paddle and I am buried in a sea of churning surf for what seems like one minute but was probably ten seconds.

When I finally do pop up, I am exhausted. Bam, another waves knocks me down again. So when I pop up again, I just surrender and climb up and lie on top of the board and let the waves pound me into the shore like an angry carpenter on meth whaling on a stubborn nail.

Emotionally and physically beaten, I find my paddle, lift up the board and Robinson- Crusoe- stagger my way out of the water and up to the beach. Standing there to greet me is my beloved about-to-be-11 daughter, Ann Caroline, and her good friend, Hanna Myers. My daughter looks at me sweetly and smiles;

"Oh, don't worry, Daddy," she said patting my wet and exhausted back, "you did just fine."

"Yeah," chirped Hannah, "and it was really, really funny."

Hiking on that Appalachian Trail, Torn Slattern and Nugget Ranchers

Cubs Versus Socks, oh, sorry, Sox
The Chicago Cubs are playing the Chicago White Sox in a series that has been described as a friendly rivalry; it is a friendly rivalry insofar as you consider the rivalry between Israel and Palestine friendly.

At least the Cubs know how to spell Cubs. Do you know what you call a Chicagoan who likes the Cubs and the White Sox? Mythical.

How much does the average Cubs fan dislike the average White Sox fan? You know how PETA feels about Michael Vick? Worse.

The blood between the Cubs fans and the Sox fan is more toxic than Amy Winehouse's after a Las Vegas bachelorette party. There are Shiite and Sunni clerics who like each other more.

Here is my question: if that Dos Equis Fernando Lamas-sounding gray beard guy is the most interesting man in the world, why do his commercials suck such major moose peepees?

Iwreck
Iraq is furious with us, the U.S., for not doing more to stop the rash of bombings. Well, as a member of the U.S., let me see what I can do. Hmm, well, how about it, Iraq, if I tell you to STOP FRIGGIN' BLOWING YOURSELVES UP, YOU MORONS!

Lov Gov II
Let's review, South Carolina Gov. Mark Sanford took off to have an affair with a reporter in Argentina and now their love letter e-mails are published. Sanford is the hands down winner of this month's Simon Cowell "OK, we get it, you're not gay" award.

Let's review, South Carolina Gov. Mark Sanford took off to have an affair with a reporter in Argentina; Apparently Sanford misunderstood when he heard that people travel from around the world to enjoy Argentina's meat.

Uh, I think he is still doing it
Los Angeles Dodger's Manny Rameriz's suspension for taking female hormones is almost up; Manny is looking forward to rejoining his teammates and sitting down and talking about their feelings and where they see their relationship going as well as other emotionally charged issues.

Cannot do the math
The top music earners this year are Madonna who made $110 million and Celine Dion who earned $100 million. Now I like to think I've been around and know a lot of people. I've never met anyone who wouldn't rather take a beat-down than spend a dime on a Madonna or Celine Dion concert or CD. Who are these people who shelled out $210 mil this year to hear them?

Gooder writing
Just reread the great "Sports Illustrated" article by Rick Reilly on sports writing legend, Jim Murray, titled "Finest Man I Knew" and it is great. Great writing really is a beauty of a thing of which it appears to be beautiful in a kind of pretty looking attractive nicely conceived concept which is appealing when read and or looked upon therein. Amen.

Pet peeve
An A.P. poll reveals 50% of pet owners feel their pet is as much a part of their family as any human. Except in China where the pet is more of a part of their lower G.I. tract X-Ray.

Ich love Brüno . . . not in that way, you silly.

Although it wasn't a direct trade, the Cubs swapped Mark DeRosa for Milton Bradley. That is a good swap like someone giving their car in exchange for a hard kick in the crotch is a good swap.

Due to the Mark Sanford scandal, I did a little research; did you know what the word Argentina means? It is a derivative of an old Castilian Spanish term that, roughly translated, means: Vagina Outsourcing.

In his first cabinet meeting since his Argentina affair with a woman named Maria, Gov. Mark Sanford compared himself to King David. No, wait, I'm sorry, no, King David is the nickname Maria gave his penis.

How much do Cubs fans and White Sox fans hate each other? You know how PETA feels about Michael Vick? Worse. The blood between Sox and Cubs fan is more toxic than Amy Winehouse's blood after a bachelorette party in Las Vegas. There are Shiite and Sunni clerics who get along better than Cubs and Sox fans.

At least the Cubs can spell their name Cubs. White Sox manager Ozzie Guillen? An "SNL" Chico Escueala routine about to happen. Like how Ozzie pronounces the name of the city. Cheek-cah-go? Where the hell is that? Pronounce it right: Shiii-kahhhhhh-goooo.

From what I have read and gathered, Iran seems like a combination of the worst aspects of Nevada, a maximum security prison and Rite Aid. An ugly, barren, hot, dusty, depressing, cold, concrete and steel hell where any aspect of joy is intentionally beaten and killed by permanently angry and bitter people.


Got an e-mail from some young alleged stand up comic in Denver basically announcing that he has done me the honor of deciding I can write material for him. As this has happened before, I was skeptical at best, but I sent him a response outlining my fees and charges.

He responded in a hurt and insulted way asking where was my faith in human nature and my desire to help a fellow human being? In short, he wanted me to write for him for free. OK, I'll bite, I thought, so I sent him an e-mail back asking what he was looking for intending to send him some appropriate observational material. Maybe three jokes.

Oh, my word, this guy honestly thought I was going to be his writing bitch for five hours a day. He told me how much material he expected to review and provided valuable insights into his personality and informed me to produce it by noon each day so he could have time to consider the material for his show that night.

I sent him back an e-mail with four words: No thanks. Good luck.

The secret service has code names for the President and Vice President. For the President they chose the name Renegade. For the Vice President the secret service chose the name "I swear to god, if he doesn't shut up I am going to shoot him."

Did you see South Carolina Gov. Mark Sanford's press conference? Here's what I don't understand: why did he apologize so much to Sarah Palin?

Something tells me Mark Sanford has accidentally created a new euphemism for sex: that girl is so hot she makes me wanna hike the Appalachian trail. Hey, I'm warning you, don't hike the Appalachian trail me on this deal.


It is Gay Pride Week in New York. To celebrate that thing on Donald Trump's head had it's tips frosted.

The Academy Awards has expanded the Best Picture category from five movies to ten. It's the only way all the movies nominated can out earn "Paul Blart Mall Cop."

Megan Fox is promoting "Transformers." Now there is a woman who can make you want to hike the ol' Appalachian trail.

In a huge upset, the US men's soccer team defeated Spain. Do not take that lack of applause as US disinterest, soccer fans are not allowed to use their hands.

Sweden has passed a law making it legal for women to swim topless in public swimming pools. This explains why Bill Clinton has applied to be a lifeguard in Sweden.

Since you asked:
However you chose to remember Michael Jackson, an other-worldly talented artist or an other-worldly disturbed man/child, either way this is a sad day.

All the things that happened to Michael Jackson should never have been allowed to happen. And the people responsible, from his abusive father to the paparazzi to his plastic surgeon and physician who gave him the drugs, should be brought forth and held accountable in the court of public scrutiny.

Saw the Megan Fox on the Letterman. No question, speaking of other-worldly, she is scary beautiful. But it is not a beauty found in real life in someone like Jennifer Aniston. Megan Fox has that odd, supermodel scary beauty like Angelina Jolie. Give me the Marissa Miller type super model beauty.

And I also picked up a lot of the "I am a rebel/artist/petulant brat" vibe from Fox. Not as much as Kristen Stewart, but it is there. And in what world is it smart for a woman - who is using her body to promote her career - to get a tattoo of Marilyn Monroe on her forearm?

Some of my good friends don't know this about me, but did you know that, in 1976, I went to Stanford? Yep. Dropped a student's car off there and stayed for ten minutes before they kicked me off the campus for not being smart enough to be there.

Lord knows I am a Sacha Baron Cohen fan, nobody has bigger ones than that guy, but even he may be pushing it with Bruno. The unease-to-comedy ratio may be a bit high. Love the premise. Show us how hypocritical we are by taking our biases - either for being too tolerant or too bigoted - and shove them down our own throats.

In the entertainment and fashion world you cannot be too gay or too foreign or too chic and flamboyant, but Bruno manages all of the above. Gay rights proponents who take themselves too seriously, as nearly all special interest groups do, will assume Bruno is mocking gay people. No. Bruno is mocking the people, gay or not, who claim acting like a wildly foppish idiot clown isn't funny and ridiculously silly. Bruno is mocking the tragically hip people who demand that type of behavior is not only acceptable, in the fashion and dance world, it is preferred.

Reverse homophobia? It cracks me up every time.

Who would want to hire a fashion-ista who isn't flaming? God help him if the most talented fashion mind in the world dressed and acted like Brett Favre. He'd starve to death. Bruno mocks this reverse bigotry and the people who enforce it. Reverse racism is always more fun to mock than ugly regular old hate-filled racism - although Cohen mocks that as well - because reverse racism is so calculated and self-righteous.

When did it become a badge of coolness to not laugh at things that are funny? A guy prancing around in a dress - or a silly costume - is funny. It doesn't make you homophobic to laugh - although gay rights groups will disagree, as they do with most things. A guy prancing around in a dress always has been, always will be funny. It's in the laws of nature. Just like an egg will always be funny and an apple won't be. Do not question these laws, for they exist for your protection.

The guy has every right to wear a dress if he chooses, but that doesn't mean we can't laugh at him. Bruno makes fun of the politically correct snots who say we can't laugh at the silly guy in a dress. Plus Bruno makes fun of the bigots and sexist idiots who get angry and upset when they see a guy in a dress in the first place.

Like Borat was not making fun of how stupid and crass Eastern Europeans can be, he was making fun of the people who believe someone from Eastern Europe can be that ignorant and out-of-touch in the first place. And it makes fun of people who hate someone simply for being from Eastern Europe. But best of all, Borat made fun of people who automatically sucked up to and accepted somebody's behavior, no matter how crass and stupid their behavior is, just because they are from Eastern Europe.

Billy Mills was a great Olympian, winning the 5,000 meters in the 1964 Tokyo Olympics in a huge upset.

But now Billy Mills is a world class pain-in-the ass.

Mills has appointed himself the Jesse Jackson of Native Americans and now he flies all over the country suing to get names like Squaw Valley and Stanford Indians changed. (Actually, I can see why Redskins would rankle . . .)

A recent survey revealed only 10% of Native Americans get offended by words like Indian or Chief or Squaw, but that doesn't matter to Billy Mills, he is on a politically correct holy grail mission. (And that is how he makes a living)

So Mills, in all of his self-righteous indignation, is setting in first class on a flight paid for by taxpayers after he successfully sued a high school in Wisconsin for calling their team the Braves, when a brash, flamboyant and obviously out-of-the-closet super-gay male flight attendant asks him;

"How is it going, Chief?"

Mills gets infuriated and proceeds to lecture the flight attendant on how racist and bigoted and offensive it is for someone to call him, a Native American, chief and, furthermore, as a gay man, he should be more sensitive to such bigotry and hatred. The flight attendant listens patiently to Mills and, when the lecture is over, he finally says to Mills;

"Well, it doesn't offend me, Chief."

That is exactly why Bruno/Borat/Ali G are so damn funny.

If we used more common sense in our demand for tolerance and less hyper-sensitive political correctness, Sacha Baron Cohen would be out of a job.

And, no matter how much it makes you cringe, whatever you do, do not feel sorry for the people who Cohen makes look like idiots in his movies. They knew they were being filmed, they knew how they behaved and, after the filming was done, they all signed a release or they would not appear in the movie in the first place.

And yet they sue Cohen anyway. Why? Because they didn't like that they looked like an idiot in the movie. Well, happily, it is not against the law in this country to film an idiot being an idiot.

For Sacha Baron Cohen's next character, can I make a suggestion? An obese and blind angry middle eastern guy named Mahkmaouid, pronoounced in an almost impossible-to- pronounce way (Mahahach-ahma-ee-ou-eeeed) that he insists everyone get exactly right. And, just to prove Conan O'Brien's theory that anyone who says potty humor isn't funny is taking a position, let's give the guy a chronic case of flatulance with which he copes with furious denial.

It is not politically correct to laugh at a fat guy, especially a fat blind farting guy. And nobody is allowed to make fun of anyone from the middle east for any reason.

But might it be a little awkward for a really fat blind angry middle eastern guy to get around? Let's face it, we all want to laugh, whether it is nice or not, when a fat guy falls down and goes boom. If we didn't Chris Farly, RIP, would not have had a career.

But it is really politically incorrect to laugh at a fat blind guy going boom. And heaven forbid we are so intolerant that we laugh at anything about someone who may or may not be Muslim.

But people will laugh, I promise you. And funnier still, people will try as hard as hell not to laugh. And funnier even still, people will get furious at those who do laugh at a blind fat Arab guy breaking wind and falling down and going boom. And probably sue.

But, if we know the person inside the blind angry Muslim guy fat suit is the fit and sighted and Jewish and funny Sacha Baron Cohen, we can all feel better about ourselves and still have a good laugh at a blind fat Muslim guy tooting and falling down.

And, in the end, isn't feeling good about ourselves and laughing at someone at the same time what it's all about?

You want me to get to the essence of Sacha Baron Cohen's comedy? OK, if I must, but it won't be pretty. The essence of Sacha Baron Cohen's comedy is: F@ck 'em if they can't take a joke.

(Polite applause quickly building to a raucous standing ovation )

Good news, guys, that babe Kate of Jon and Kate is single. Seriously, if I wanted to date a cranky, bitchy diva with bad hair and eight kids I would go out with Madonna.

You know what they call Bernie Madoff? The most hated man in America. Here's my question: did they even look at my audition video?

Sappy love e-mails from South Carolina Gov., Mark Sanford, to his Argentina girlfriend, Maria, have emerged. They are pretty awful. He rhymes governor with putting his "love in her."

In response to the South Carolina Gov. Mark Sanford affair, an anonymous republican official disclosed; "After Foley, Craig and McGreevy, it's a nice change to have male republican sex scandals involving women for a change."


Nev. Sen Ensign apologized to his republican colleagues. Guess he also feels bad about hiking on that ol' Appalachian trail.

Since you asked;

Remember, when naming a dog, you can call them all the cute baby names you want as nicknames, but you have to give them a good strong name. One that is a good name but not one you would want to name a kid. Like Linus is a good example. Horace. Stanly.

Whatever you do, do not let your child or children name the dog. That is borderline cruel for the dog. "What's his name? Mister Pooh, ahem, we let the kids name him."

No excuse for that. What are some of our dog's Kasey and Wrigley's nicknames? Warning, these are disgusting:

Pooh bear, Mister Wrigley, Monkey Pants, Beauxchamps, Hounddiggily dawg, Bitty Bear, The Duke of Dorks, Party Poodles, Mugwumps, Stinkerdoodle, Cuddle bunny, scrounge around hound, Puppy Paws, the no-sense-hasen' hound, worried bear. Inspector Kasey Mr. Whinerpuss. Woofbear.

Wow, not to be morbid, but I was just about to speculate who was going to be the third. Ed McMahon, Farrah, who was the third? But I didn't think it would be Michael Jackson. Yikes.

No matter what your troubles are, no matter how tough things seem, I feel very certain that you do not have to fly down to Argentina to get some strange, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

In London, Friday is naked bike ride day. That makes Saturday walking-bow-legged-due-to severe-chafing day.

So the Governor of South Carolina, Mark Sanford, vanishes. Nobody knows where he is. His wife doesn't know. So, after a while, his office says he is hiking the Appalachian trail. Nice lie. No, turns out he had a fling with a woman down in Argentina. Now I've heard people will travel to Argentina because of their meat, but this is ridiculous

Maybe the choice to hire local hookers wasn't so stupid for Elliot Spitzer after all.

Say what you want about Rod Blagojevich, but at least he kept his pants on.

Who would have imagined that the most productive and well-behaved governor in the country turns out to be an admitted recreational drug and steroid using serial- actress- groping action hero movie star from Hollywood? See that, rest of the US? We Californians aren't as stupid as you thought we were.

Between Spitzer, Patterson and now Sanford, we need to get our governors governors for their pants.


Seriously, as governors, Spitzer, Patterson, Blagojevich, Sanford and, yes, Palin are their state's equivalent to president. What are the idiots like who just made it to the state legislature? There have to be some real buffoons under them.

Keeping it real to the feel for the deal, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

I just got a note: it seems that Bernie Madoff is fitting in well with all the prison inmates. Oops, sorry, temporary attack of dyslexia. All the prison inmates are fitting in Bernie Maddof well.

Perez Hilton claims he was assaulted by Will.i.am of the Black Eyed Peas at an awards show. Suddenly I just had a horrible existential realization that the time I spent reading and writing that sentence is utterly wasted and I will never, ever, get it back.

It's official, something needs to be done about those chicks on "The View." They spent the entire show today speculating just how hung the guy on HBO's "Hung" really is.

Congratulations to Joe Biden. It has been over a week since he has said something idiotic. That's a new record.

Madonna won her appeal to adopt a 3-year-old Malawi girl. This marks the first time in ten years the words Madonna and appeal have been used together.

When asked to comment about the adoption, Madonna said; "We are delighted to have, uh, hey you, Nanny #3, what's this one called? Mercy James? We are delighted to have little Mercy James, he, huh? Oh, she will be a welcome member of our public relations stunt, err, I mean family."

To learn more about what is going on in Iran, I bought the special "Time" magazine about Iran and you know what I learned that was interesting about Iran? I learned that don't give a crap about Iran.

Jon and Kate of "Jon & Kate Plus 8" are splitting up. "Gosh, too bad, they are both so normal, down-to-earth and well-adjusted with great priorities," said nobody on earth.

This just in: Perez Hilton is a worthless douche bag. Congratulations, Perez, you are now the first most annoying person named Hilton. And with Paris and Nicky, that is no small feat.

A new study shows men's testosterone levels have dropped. Thanks a lot, Manny Rameriz.

Ryan Seacrest was going to team up with Paris Hilton to create and produce a reality show, but now he has decided to go with Britney Spears instead. Apparently Ryan feels those extra 10 IQ points might come in useful.

Bear with me, I am a little bummed. I was going to start work on my autobiography, but HBO already swiped the title "Hung."

Since you asked:

Those incredible tools Jon and Kate remind me very much of a couple - now divorced - who I knew who were just like them. Socio path attention whores who would happily exploit and pimp even their own children for fame and or wealth.

You'd like to believe it's not possible for people to be so callous, evil and shallow, but it is. Especially when it comes to those who greedily thirst any form of celebrity.

Jaime Kennedy once had a "Punk'd" type hidden camera show and on one segment he posed as a big shot producer pitching a network reality show for kids. The premise was he would pitch to a bunch of psycho theater parents a nightmarish "Survivor" type show, but with their children in the place of adults.

What Kennedy let us, the audience, in on was that he would try and push the concept of increasing the risk and chances of injury and illness for the kids until some or all of the parents objected. These parents really thought their ship had come in and their kid was going to make them famous and rich. And almost nothing was going to stop them.

When Kennedy said the kids would be using power tools, and working with sharp glass, nobody said a word. When he said they would have to operate combustible gas generators, not one peep. When Kennedy pushed it and suggested they refrain from having a medical staff on hand to add credibility, I think one Dad had a slight problem with that.

The only real concern from the parents was whether or not their kid was booked and officially cast on the show. Once they were assured they were, all the safety issues took a backseat.

Turns out a show just like that actually was produced.

For whatever reason, I guess undeserving celebrities, this joke from the awesome David Cross comes to mind:

A guy meets his friend in a bar. He says;

"You won't believe what just happened to me. I was working on my roof and I slipped and fell, but the wind pushed me over to my kid's trampoline, I bounced and flew up in the air over our house, bounced harmlessly off the cloth awning in front of our porch, it shot me out over the street, but I landed on top of a truckload of mattresses, that bounced me way up into the air and I finally landed on a raft in our neighbor's pool."

"You must be the luckiest human being alive," said his friend.

"No, that would be Jim Belushi."