Friday, January 17, 2020

Not really sure how this is even possible, but I think the Houston Astros just stole my WiFi signal.







This just in: 

The Houston Astros have officially become the baseball subsidiary of the New England Patriots.






Green Bay will play San Francisco for the NFC Championship.

Green Bay and San Francisco are two very different towns. In Green Bay, there are parking spots right in front of the donut shop.

In San Francisco they ask, "What is a parking spot?" And, "What is a donut shop?"







Green Bay will play San Francisco for the NFC Championship.

Green Bay and San Francisco are two very different towns. 

In Green Bay, the closest thing to Bikram hot yoga is when someone scratches their foot in the YMCA steam room.







Green Bay will play San Francisco for the NFC Championship.

Green Bay and San Francisco are two very different towns.
 In Green Bay, the closest thing to sushi is right before the trout is deep fried.

Friday, January 10, 2020


Iran launched 20 long-range missiles at two US bases but did not hit any key targets.

We're calling it Operation New York Knicks.






A study claims the average man cries between 8 and 16 times a year.

Results may differ for men who watch the movie "Brian's Song.”






A Florida man was arrested for being naked and biting a police dog while high on meth. 

Or as being naked while biting a police dog while high on meth is also known: the Florida Trifecta.







Like the rest of the season, the Wild Card weekend was riddled with horrible calls by the NFL referees. 

The only way the NFL referees could be worse is if they also produced the movie “Cats."







The Seahawks beat the Eagles in the battle of the birds. 

There are five NFL teams with bird mascots. Six if you count the referees who are chickens to overturn bad calls.

Tuesday, December 31, 2019

While I love the dumb movie, here are some snarky notes on “Love Actually.”



Chiwetel and Keira did not have many guests at their wedding. Most were the musicians planted by the “Walking Dead” sheriff best man.

How did the music for “Jump (For my Love)  Hugh Grant dances to go from the radio to the entire rest of 10 Downing?

How did Jack not get, um, aroused in his naked poses with Just Judy?

Laura Linney - bless your heart taking care of your bonkers brother - but let that call go and boink Karl.

While the cue cards were cute, let’s not forget “Walking Dead” sheriff was flirting with his best friend’s newlywed wife. And she kissed him. Slut.

Billy Mack and Joe? Who watches porn with another dude? Blagh. 

Forget making copies, have you heard of a laptop computer, Colin Firth? 

Hugh, don’t be so quick to forgive Plumpy, she made it out with that dick US President. 

Good job learning the drums, Sam, but sorry, that mousey little runt does not stand a chance with that hot American singer, her no back teeth not withstanding. 

Colin and all those scorching babes in a random Wisconsin tavern? That’s real.






Friday, December 27, 2019

After acrimonious departures from the Pittsburgh Steelers, Oakland Raiders and New England Patriots, troubled receiver Antonio Brown is trying out with the New Orleans Saints.

Brown has as much chance of acting like a Saint as the 1-14 Bengals have of acting like a tiger.

Monday, December 16, 2019

The bat that Babe Ruth hit his 500th homer with sold at auction for $1 million. 

In a related story, all of the Detroit Tiger's bats sold for a six-pack of Lucky beer and a Chipotle burrito.





After their last game in Oakland, the Raider fans in the Black Hole booed the players and started a small riot.


"This is shockingly unusual bad behavior on the part of Raiders fans," said nobody ever.

Thursday, December 12, 2019

In Florida, PGA golfer, Tommy "Two Gloves," Gainey was arrested for offering an undercover cop $60 for sex. 

$60? Even Tiger Woods pays $25 more than that for sex.

Tuesday, December 10, 2019

Britt McHenry is suing "Fox News," for sexual harassment. 

McHenry was the ESPN announcer famous for the ugly on-camera parking lot attendant tirade. If "Fox News" abused her half as much as McHenry abused that cashier, she has a case.





Megan Rapinoe, named "Sports Illustrated" Sportsperson of the year; in her acceptance speech, she harshly criticized "Sports Illustrated" for being sexist.

"Time" named Greta Thunberg Person of the Year. They were going to name Megan Rapinoe, but they changed their mind.







The 10-3 New England Patriots are accused of spying on the 1-12 Cincinatti Bengals.

That's like the Rolling Stones spying on Milli Vanilli.






The 10-3 Patriots stand accused of spying on the 1-12 Bengals.

Why? That would be like Meryl Streep spying on Madonna in her acting class.


The 10-3 New England Patriots are accused of spying on the 1-12 Cincinatti Bengals.

That is like Meryl Streep spying on Madonna in her acting class.

Thursday, December 05, 2019


The Chicago Bears beat the Dallas Cowboys 31-24, but the game wasn't that close. 


In fact, there was better tackling than the Cowboys at most Walmarts on Black Friday.







The San Francisco Forty Niners suspended their radio analyst, Tim Ryan, for saying that defenders could not see the dark ball in Lamar Jackson's dark Raven uniform and his dark hands.

While I don't think he meant any harm, it might be time to put Tim under concussion protocol.




It is possible a team - either the Cowboys or Redskins - in the lowly NFC East could make the playoffs with a 6-10 record.


Apparently the NFL stands for Now Forgiving Losses.





Johnny "Football" Manziel's wife, Bre Tiesi, is seeking a divorce. 


Are is seeking her share of the money Johnny made while they were married. Including his Starbucks tips.






TMZ posted a video of OJ Simpson dancing at a Las Vegas bar with two pretty blondes. 

One of them was a dead-ringer of his ex-wife, Nicole.

It was nice to see O.J. with a blonde woman and the only thing he was cutting was a rug.

There is no question OJ has a type . . . he likes to kill.

Thursday, November 21, 2019

In the Chargers' 24-17 loss to the Chiefs, did you see Phillip Rivers try to block? Bless his heart, he looked like Sean Spicer trying to dance on "Dancing with the Stars.”




During his helmet-slamming appeal, Myles Garrett accused Mason Rudolph of using a racial slur at him. It turns out it was almost as worse. Mason called Myles a Bengal.




My Chicago Bears have gone from a Super Bowl contender to an episode of "Keeping Up with the Kardashians.”





In the Chargers' 24-17 loss to the Chiefs, did you see Phillip Rivers try to block? Bless his heart, he looked like a Kardashian trying to spell.

In the Chargers' 24-17 loss to the Chiefs, did you see Phillip Rivers try to block? Bless his heart, he looked like Kendall Jenner trying to make change.





In Michigan, a man mistook his brother for a deer and shot him. (He's going to be OK) 

"Well, that is offensive. That guy is fat and ugly as hell," said the deer.




Monday:

9:00 AM: "After the helmet attack, I am done with NFL."

11:00 AM: "My Bears are toast, so I'm done."

2:00 PM: "It might be interesting to see how Mahomes's knee is."

3:00 PM: "I do still like Phillip Rivers."

4:30 PM: "When is this damn game going to start?”






In Michigan, a man mistook his brother for a deer and shot him. 

The shot brother is going to be OK, but this could make for an awkward Thanksgiving:

"Hey, brother, pass the venison. Oh, right, we don't have venison because you didn't shoot the deer, you shot me."








A good football ref is like a good waiter, they take charge and then you hardly know they're there.

The NFL ref's are like a waiter who knocks you out of your chair, eats your food and then goes home with your date.







"Ford v Ferarri" was #1 at the box office.

Not doing as well? "Prius v Mini Cooper.”







Turned on the end of the Steelers-Browns game and a Black Friday Walmart sale broke out.


Turned on the end of the Steelers-Browns game and a Taylor Swift break-up song broke out.

Monday, November 18, 2019

Harry Styles - Watermelon Sugar (Live on SNL)



Great song and Styles is great. But that drummer, Sarah Jones, is hotter than a $5 pistol and tougher than a $2 steak. 

This band is tighter than Chris Christie's Speedo.