Monday, March 16, 2020

Black Monday

In 1986, at 29 and single, I had moved from being a bond broker on Wall Street to being a stock broker in La Jolla. By the Fall of 1987, I had successfully graduated from the Shearson Lehman training center during a debauched three weeks in Los Angeles. 

By early October, back in La Jolla, I had just begun to start building my client portfolio when the stock market crashed on Black Monday. At the time, I thought it was the end of the world. Two days later, I got a call that my youthful 62-year-old father, Robert Joseph Kaseberg, had an aneurism and was not expected to pull through. 

Now instead of watching the computer monitoring the falling market, I was in Champagne, Illinois watching my father’s heart rate monitor. They told me his heart would stop soon. It never did. He was declared brain dead and they wheeled his body off down the hall because he was an organ donor. 

After the funeral at the Winnetka Congregational Church, back at our house, we watched on TV as the market continued to fall. WGN had decided to stick a microphone on a formica desk in an empty studio and have some monotoned executive read-off the numbers of the falling market. It was so stark, echoey and apocalyptic. It truly scared me. 

Meanwhile, my well-meaning - but ham-fisted - Uncle was haranguing me that I needed to sell my mother’s house immediately and put everything in gold before the riots started.

Now it really seemed the world was coming to an end.

If you had invested on the Friday before Black Monday, in one year you would have recouped all of your losses. That was not the end of the world. 

This is not the end of the world.

Thursday, March 12, 2020

At the NFL combine, 364-pound lineman Mekhi Becton ran a 5.10 in the 40-yard dash.

That's conceptually the same as two 182-pound guys each running a 2.55 40.

At the NFL combine, 364-pound lineman Mekhi Becton ran a 5.10 in the 40-yard dash.

When Tom Brady ran the 40 at the combine, he ran a 5.21 at 220-pounds. Becton ran faster with an entire Joe Buck in his belly.

At the NFL combine, 364-pound lineman Mekhi Becton ran a 5.10 in the 40-yard dash.

That is not a 40-yard dash, that is a landslide.

The Los Angeles Angels of Anaheim fired their visitor clubhouse manager after he helped teams doctor the balls.

So now they're the Los Angeles Angels of New England.

The Los Angeles Angels of Anaheim fired their visitor clubhouse manager after he helped teams doctor the balls.

"How do you deflate a baseball?" Asked the New England Patriots.

Scientists have discovered a hummingbird-sized dinosaur.

Which begs the question: would you rather fight a thousand hummingbird-sized dinosaurs or one dinosaur-sized hummingbird?

New York Gov. Andrew Cuomo launched a hand sanitizer made in New York called NYS Clean.

Cuomo said it smells floral with hints of Gwyneth Paltrow's vagina.

France released a statement that cocaine does not prevent the coronavirus.

"That's like you're opinion, man," said actor Jack Black.

Court documents reveal Harvey Weinstein emailed a reporter that Jennifer Aniston "should be killed" over groping allegations.

So no one told you life was gonna be this way, a Harvey grope you spoke, he wants you to be slayed.

(written before the NBA cancelled their season)

BNP Paribas Open tennis tournament in CA was cancelled due to the coronavirus.

"Good idea, we should probably cancel the rest of our season's games, you can't be too careful," said the New York Knicks.

Since you asked:

Folks, I once swam in the Ohio river North of Louisville in the early '70's. 

The coronavirus can kiss my boomer's sorry white ass.

When I was driving with my wife and my toddler daughter in the back in her car seat, she sweetly asked, 

"Daddy, where are all the ass-bites?"

My wife sighed and said, 

"Your Daddy is right here, honey."

When I told my 10-year-old daughter I saw a blind skier, I said, "It's important we appreciate what we have."

She told the story at school and said, "My Dad said it's important for blind people to appreciate what they have because they could be deaf too." 

Friday, March 06, 2020

The Los Angeles Angels of Anaheim fired their visitor clubhouse manager after he helped teams doctor the balls.

So now they're the Los Angeles Angels of New England.

Tuesday, February 25, 2020

At Kobe Bryant's memorial, it was revealed Kobe once showed up for his daughter Gigi's school parents' day in full Laker uniform with his Olympic gold medal. 

How would you like to be the dad after that with the Geico-Insurance-Agent -of-the-Month plaque?

Shaquille O'Neal dropped an "MF" bomb at Kobe Bryant's memorial. 

Shaq also tried to take a playful verbal shot at the crying Michael Jordan, but Shaq was standing on the free throw line, so he missed the shot.

A self-titled daredevil, "Mad Mike" Hughes, tried to prove the earth was flat in his homemade rocket, sadly it crashed to the Nevada desert.

Legally they had to then name the rocket the New York Knicks.

Monday, February 24, 2020

Michael Jordan got emotional during his tribute to Kobe Bryant. 

We have not seen Jordan that upset since his rookie year the first and only time he was charged with traveling.

Friday, February 21, 2020

The Houston Astros' former No. 1 prospect, Francis Marte, was banned 162 games for drug use and it has nothing to do with the team's cheating scandal.

"Hey, back off, we're working this side of the street," said the New England Patriots.

42-year-old zamboni driver, David Ayres, became the first emergency goalie to win an NHL game. 

In the third period, he did not let one single thing go in between his legs. This is known as a reverse Kardashian.

Pardoned Rod Blagojevich is going to throw out the first pitch at a Chicago Cubs game in March.

Blagojevich will not watch the game, because he has already sold his seat.

Thursday, February 13, 2020

Linda Ronstadt In Atlanta 1977 07 It Doesn't Matter Anymore

Tuesday, February 04, 2020

“Do you sip your soup?”

“I only sip my soup on a ship.”

“Why do you only sip your soup on a ship?”

“Because on a ship, a ship can tip and your soup will be spilt.”

“So you always sip your soup on a ship?”

“Not unless the ship is in a slip.”

“Why don’t you sip your soup when your ship is in a slip?”

“Because when a ship is in a slip, the ship will not tip and I can slurp my soup and it won't be spilt.”

“So you sip your soup on a ship if it tips, but you slurp your soup if it is in a slip?”

“I prefer to slurp my soup instead of sip, but I will sip it if the ship is not in a slip and it will tip.”

“Go f*ck yourself."

Friday, January 31, 2020

US Women's soccer star, Carly Lloyd, is considering kicking for an NFL team. Although she might want to start out with the Cincinnati Bengals and then move up to an NFL team.

Friday, January 24, 2020

Mr. Peanut has died.

It's just as well, he has been shell of his former self.

The earthquake in Los Angeles was pretty serious. It actually shook somebody into a L.A. Chargers gift shop.

New York Yankee, Derek Jeter, was voted into the Hall of Fame 396-1.

In a related story, the one dissenting voter was elected unanimously into the Useless Moron Hall of Fame.

An English tourist lost his foot to a shark attack while snorkeling in Australia.

He was going to sue the Australian tourist board, but his case didn't have a leg to stand on.

The Super Bowl is the Kansas City Chiefs versus the San Francisco Forty Niners. 

Here is what is both cities have in common: their teams wear red. That's it.

Not really sure how this is even possible, but I think the Houston Astros just stole my WiFi signal.