Friday, February 21, 2020

The Houston Astros' former No. 1 prospect, Francis Marte, was banned 162 games for drug use and it has nothing to do with the team's cheating scandal.

"Hey, back off, we're working this side of the street," said the New England Patriots.

Pardoned Rod Blagojevich is going to throw out the first pitch at a Chicago Cubs game in March.

Blagojevich will not watch the game, because he has already sold his seat.

Thursday, February 13, 2020

Linda Ronstadt In Atlanta 1977 07 It Doesn't Matter Anymore

Tuesday, February 04, 2020

“Do you sip your soup?”

“I only sip my soup on a ship.”

“Why do you only sip your soup on a ship?”

“Because on a ship, a ship can tip and your soup will spit.”

“So you always sip your soup on a ship?”

“Not unless the ship is in a slip.”

“Why don’t you sip your soup when your ship is in a slip?”

“Because when a ship is in a slip, it will not tip and I can slurp my soup.”

“So you sip your soup on a ship if it tips, but you slurp it if it is in a slip?”

“I prefer to slurp my soup instead of sip, but I will sip it if the ship is not in a slip and it will tip.”

“Go f*ck yourself."

Friday, January 31, 2020

US Women's soccer star, Carly Lloyd, is considering kicking for an NFL team. Although she might want to start out with the Cincinnati Bengals and then move up to an NFL team.

Friday, January 24, 2020

Mr. Peanut has died.

It's just as well, he has been shell of his former self.

The earthquake in Los Angeles was pretty serious. It actually shook somebody into a L.A. Chargers gift shop.

New York Yankee, Derek Jeter, was voted into the Hall of Fame 396-1.

In a related story, the one dissenting voter was elected unanimously into the Useless Moron Hall of Fame.

An English tourist lost his foot to a shark attack while snorkeling in Australia.

He was going to sue the Australian tourist board, but his case didn't have a leg to stand on.

The Super Bowl is the Kansas City Chiefs versus the San Francisco Forty Niners. 

Here is what is both cities have in common: their teams wear red. That's it.

Not really sure how this is even possible, but I think the Houston Astros just stole my WiFi signal.

Friday, January 17, 2020

Not really sure how this is even possible, but I think the Houston Astros just stole my WiFi signal.

This just in: 

The Houston Astros have officially become the baseball subsidiary of the New England Patriots.

Green Bay will play San Francisco for the NFC Championship.

Green Bay and San Francisco are two very different towns. In Green Bay, there are parking spots right in front of the donut shop.

In San Francisco they ask, "What is a parking spot?" And, "What is a donut shop?"

Green Bay will play San Francisco for the NFC Championship.

Green Bay and San Francisco are two very different towns. 

In Green Bay, the closest thing to Bikram hot yoga is when someone scratches their foot in the YMCA steam room.

Green Bay will play San Francisco for the NFC Championship.

Green Bay and San Francisco are two very different towns.
 In Green Bay, the closest thing to sushi is right before the trout is deep fried.

Friday, January 10, 2020

Iran launched 20 long-range missiles at two US bases but did not hit any key targets.

We're calling it Operation New York Knicks.

A study claims the average man cries between 8 and 16 times a year.

Results may differ for men who watch the movie "Brian's Song.”

A Florida man was arrested for being naked and biting a police dog while high on meth. 

Or as being naked while biting a police dog while high on meth is also known: the Florida Trifecta.

Like the rest of the season, the Wild Card weekend was riddled with horrible calls by the NFL referees. 

The only way the NFL referees could be worse is if they also produced the movie “Cats."

The Seahawks beat the Eagles in the battle of the birds. 

There are five NFL teams with bird mascots. Six if you count the referees who are chickens to overturn bad calls.

Tuesday, December 31, 2019

While I love the dumb movie, here are some snarky notes on “Love Actually.”

Chiwetel and Keira did not have many guests at their wedding. Most were the musicians planted by the “Walking Dead” sheriff best man.

How did the music for “Jump (For my Love)  Hugh Grant dances to go from the radio to the entire rest of 10 Downing?

How did Jack not get, um, aroused in his naked poses with Just Judy?

Laura Linney - bless your heart taking care of your bonkers brother - but let that call go and boink Karl.

While the cue cards were cute, let’s not forget “Walking Dead” sheriff was flirting with his best friend’s newlywed wife. And she kissed him. Slut.

Billy Mack and Joe? Who watches porn with another dude? Blagh. 

Forget making copies, have you heard of a laptop computer, Colin Firth? 

Hugh, don’t be so quick to forgive Plumpy, she made it out with that dick US President. 

Good job learning the drums, Sam, but sorry, that mousey little runt does not stand a chance with that hot American singer, her no back teeth not withstanding. 

Colin and all those scorching babes in a random Wisconsin tavern? That’s real.

Friday, December 27, 2019

After acrimonious departures from the Pittsburgh Steelers, Oakland Raiders and New England Patriots, troubled receiver Antonio Brown is trying out with the New Orleans Saints.

Brown has as much chance of acting like a Saint as the 1-14 Bengals have of acting like a tiger.

Monday, December 16, 2019

The bat that Babe Ruth hit his 500th homer with sold at auction for $1 million. 

In a related story, all of the Detroit Tiger's bats sold for a six-pack of Lucky beer and a Chipotle burrito.

After their last game in Oakland, the Raider fans in the Black Hole booed the players and started a small riot.

"This is shockingly unusual bad behavior on the part of Raiders fans," said nobody ever.