Sunday, September 24, 2017

The entire Pittsburgh Steeler team sat out the National Anthem. As opposed to the Cleveland Browns, who were there for the anthem and sat out the game.


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Kylie Jenner is pregnant. Today Kylie endured the exhaustive process of interviewing the people who will hire her team of nannies.

Kylie Jenner is pregnant. “E” is launching a new show, “Keeping Up with the Sonograms.” 

Kris Jenner is shopping agents for the fetus. In 7 months, Kylie will have to look up the word Labor.


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In Colo, a woman jogger dubbed “The Mad Pooper” who has been terrorizing a neighborhood by defecating on lawns. She could be arrested for indecent behavior. On the bright side, she is next in line as the White House Communications Director.


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With all the NFL players ramping up their anthem protests this week, it made me wonder what outspoken Oakland Raider, Marshawn Lynch, was going to do? Possibly recreate the death scene from “Carmen”? 


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The Denver Broncos are 2-1 under QB, Trevor Siemian. Siemian is from that quarterback factory, Northwestern. The best quarterback from Northwestern before Siemian was the Jugs ball machine.

Prior to Siemian, the greatest QB from Northwestern was Otto Graham who played in 1945. For Northwestern students, that was before the cell phone was in use.

Since you asked:

As a die-hard Cubs fan, I grew up genuinely disliking the New York Mets. When I was but a wee child, the Cubs lost to the Mets in 1969 after leading the entire season, there was some jerk at Mets games who had a sign with stencils and he personified what rude jerks Mets fans were.

But all that changed when I moved to New York City in 1983. After seeing Mets fans up close in their natural habitat, I realized I did not dislike Mets fans. I despised Mets fans. 

When I made a New Yorker rookie mistake and wore a Cubs hat to a Mets game, cowards threw beer at me when my back was turned. There were too much of pussies to do it to my face.

Take Chris Christie and merge him with Artie Lange, and that is the consummate Mets fan to me. Loud, obnoxious, sweaty, smelly and raspy heavy breathers with foul breath.

The vilest human being I have ever known was a Wall Street bond trader client of mine who had a face like Godzilla, drank like Rasputin, swore like a satanic pirate and loudly lusted after and accosted all semi-attractive females within sight. 

And she was a die-hard Mets fan named Maureen. 

(Not her real name, but real close) 



Saturday, September 23, 2017

Bob Marley - Stir it up

Stir it up, little darlin', stir it up, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers


Kylie Jenner is pregnant. Wow. The ratings for “Life of Kylie” must be worse than we thought.


Kylie Jenner is pregnant with rapper Travis Scott. When asked what it was like to be expecting with Kylie, Travis said, “What?  She told me she was Kendall.” 


In Colo, a woman jogger dubbed “The Mad Pooper” who has been defecating on lawns, has been offered a year’s supply of Charmin toilet paper if she turns herself in. OK, Imodium and Midol, time to step up too.



In Colo, a woman jogger dubbed “The Mad Pooper” who has been terrorizing a neighborhood by defecating on lawns. Police hope someone turns her in, but, so far, there have been no stool pigeons.



In Colorado, a woman dubbed “The Mad Pooper” has been defecting on people’s lawns. For the love of god, get some help, Kris Jenner. 


Kylie Jenner is pregnant with a girl and they’re already choosing K-names. Some of the names they’ve ruled out are Kotex. Kombucha. Khlamydia and Kim Jong Jenner. 


There are rumors the NFL is discussing forcing the Chargers to move back to San Diego. “No, you can’t do that, we just got them,” said nobody in Los Angeles.




Kris Jenner is furious at the press for not respecting her daughter, Kylie’s pregnancy privacy. Nothing pulls on the heartstrings harder than a mom, who sold her children’s souls for a reality show, demanding privacy.




Since you asked:



So people ask me, why? Why so hard on the poor Kylie Jenner? 

Let’s start out with above all, she is a Kartrashian. And the Kartrashians, thanks to patriarch Robert, gave us the worst murderer set free ever in his good friend, OJ, probable father of Khloe. 

Using that historical fiasco to their advantage, Kim launches the barely-famous, talentless and moderately pretty fat-ass lottery ticket: the sex tape with a rapper. 

In doing so it launched "Keeping Up with the Kardashians," the Kartrashians lit the fuse on our national burning house of rampant entitlement. 

In short, most things wrong with this country can directly be traced back to a Jennwhore/Kartrashian. Therefore, even with the simple-minded Kylie, it is impossible to go too hard on a Jennwhore/Kartrashian.

Friday, September 22, 2017

Kylie Jenner is pregnant. It was awkward when they asked Kylie if she knew the sex, Kylie said, 

"I think it was in the limo."


Melania is going to sue their covfefe bigly all the way to Nambia.




Kylie Jenner announced she is pregnant. Not only do we not know the sex of the baby, we don’t know the father or, for that matter, which one is Kendall or Kylie? 

Kylie Jenner announced she is pregnant. Then she announced which one she was, Kylie or Kendall.

Kylie Jenner is pregnant. Kylie does not know the sex of the baby, but then she doesn't really know the sex of her father either.

The Greatest Show On The Interwebbernet, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

(Oh, that is so sad) 



There was a crazy machete-wielding woman outside of the Kardashian’s LA store, Dash. Then she screamed, “The Kardashians will be executed,” and people said, “Wait, let’s hear her out.” 

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We have had three huge hurricanes, a major earthquake in Mexico and now it snowed on the last day of summer in Tahoe, CA. You get the feeling if Mother Nature isn’t mad at us, she is at least very disappointed. 

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Kim Jong Un called Donald Trump a frightened dog. Here’s my question: in North Korea, where the word dog is synonymous with a burrito, is there any dog that isn’t frightened?

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Donald Trump called Kim Jong Un Rocket Man and Kim Jong Un called Trump a frightened dog. Stop fighting, girls, you’re both pretty.

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Kim Jong Un called Donald Trump a dotard. Trump responded by countering that Kim Jong Un would be the biggest covfefe in all of Nambia.

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Firefighters in Worms, Germany were called to a gym to help free a man whose penis was stuck in a five-pound weight. Can you believe that story? The name of the town is Worms? Was the name Maggots already taken?

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Kim Jong Un called Donald Trump a scared dog and Donald Trump called Kim Jong Un Rocket Man. Girls, please, stop fighting, you’re both pretty. 

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Colorado police are searching for the woman known as “The Mad Pooper” who has been defecating on home’s sidewalks. They have formed a special task force: The Poo Fighters.

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Firefighters in Worms, Germany were called to a gym to help a man whose penis was stuck in a five-pound weight. Sadly, because it was Germany, nobody had anything funny to say about it.


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Firefighters in Worms, Germany were called to a gym to help free a man whose penis was stuck in a five-pound weight. And you don’t even want to know what happened to the missing ten-pound dumbbell. 


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Colorado police are searching for the woman known as “The Mad Pooper” who has been defecating on people’s sidewalks. Police are hoping a witness will help pinch the culprit.


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Firefighters in Worms, Germany were called to a gym to help free a man whose penis was stuck in a weight. The man was in a lot of pain. The weight was kilo’ing him.


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At the Emmys, TV actress Shailene Woodley bragged on TV about not owning a TV. That would be like winning the Pulitzer Prize and bragging about not reading.


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It is the two-year anniversary of when an India road crew killed a napping man by paving over him. Two years and there is still no concrete evidence. 




Since you asked:



Here is Your Pal, Lex’s, Late Night Talk Show Review

Stephen Colbert. While I thought Stephen Colbert was painting himself into a corner with his Anti-Trump routines, it brought his ratings way back. (With a lot of help from Trump) His huge talent was evident during his recent Emmy host. Colbert is the real deal. Not as much a fan of his band, though. 

Jimmy Fallon. Nobody is a bigger fan of Jimmy Fallon than me. His comedy talent, singing, characters, impersonations are out the roof. (The Roots are a National gem) Which makes it seem more and more like Jimmy is sleepwalking. (Why do I think it is tied to his finger problems?) And his interviews have not gotten any less cloying. The saving grace is you believe the fawning Fallon really is that great of a guy and he is being honest. But nobody loves that many people. However, Jay Leno’s subbing in on the monologue is one of their best bits. But they clearly have a weak link in their writing staff as witnessed by their usually tepid monologue.

Jimmy Kimmel. Wow, what a turnaround in my book. While I tended to write him off as a radio guy and a mean-spirited shock-jock/Howard Stern type and not a stand-up comedian, his touching, emotional tribute to Don Rickles changed my opinion about his personality. And then it changed forever with his moving story about his son, Billy, and it made me a fan for life. And Jimmy’s stance on health care, as a result, has been impressive. And anyone who barbecues all the time and throws great parties is jake in my mind. 


Seth Meyers. Another keen talent. You can tell he does a lion share of the writing on his really great “A Closer Look” almost nightly segment. And his writers might be the best. Especially Jenny and Amber. The “Jokes Seth Can’t Tell” is the best bit on late night by far, besides Leno stepping in on the monologue with Fallon. Did I mention that is great? Well, it is.

James Corden. I take it back. The best bit on all of late night  - and maybe all of TV - is “Carpool Karaoke.” Whether Stevie Wonder, Elton John or the Foo Fighters, it is hard to pick a best one. And Corden’s bass player, Hagar Ben-Ari, is the most enigmatically hot women anywhere. But that is where it ends for me with Corden. He seems like a snotty phony and there is evidence of that with his being mean/short to fans while sucking up to guests. 

Carson Daly, Trevor Noah and Samantha Bee are all truly good, smart, funny and talented, but off the radar and I only need to see their notable clips, and not their entire show. And Carson Daly does not really have any of those. (How is he still on the air?) 

Bill Maher is a different HBO panel-discussion animal. Although he is a smug jerk, I like his show a lot. Informative, thought-provoking and funny, but in that order.


So that sums it up. Leno and Letterman were the Princes after the King, Carson. But there has never been more cumulative talent at late night than now when you add up all four or five. 


Thursday, September 21, 2017


Want some, get some, have some, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers



A prosecutor said Robert Mueller is investigating Donald Trump as if he was in the Mafia. Mueller is even going to investigate Trump’s son, Fredo. I mean Eric.


In Germany, a man in a gym got his penis caught in a five-pound weight. It was really embarrassing. His personal best was ten pounds.

In Germany, a man in a gym got his penis caught in a five-pound weight. It was really embarrassing. Especially when there was a softly inflated fitness ball right next to him.



In a speech to African leaders, President Trump praised the non-existent country of Nambia. Trump then suggested his critics not get their covfefe in a wad.


While starring on a TV show and appearing at the Emmys for her TV show that won an Emmy, Shailene Woodward bragged on TV she did not own a TV. It’s like a hooker bragging about not putting out on the first date.


Tonight’s “Thursday Night Football” is the Los Angeles Rams versus the San Francisco Forty Niners. Or as viewers are calling it, “I’m watching “NCIS.”










It has been revealed certain species of frogs participate in sex orgies. Which explains why Kermit wore a toupee, a diamond earring, drove a Porsche and had custom-made silk shirts.



Since you asked:






Actor, Bernie Casey, passed at 78. In addition to a damn good actor, Casey was an NFL All Pro, and an accomplished painter and a published poet. Many are calling Bernie the anti-Eric Trump. Why do I get the awful feeling they're just not making people this good anymore? 

Wednesday, September 20, 2017



Sometimes I think I am the only living boy in New York in the only cab on the road, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers





The TV ratings for the Chargers in Los Angeles are bad. They ranked somewhere between “Keeping Up with the Kardashians,” and a solar-power infomercial. 

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Manchester United is cracking down on what they call a racist song about their player, Romelu Lukaku's, 24-inch penis. To which Romelu said, “You know what? I’ll let that one slide.” 


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In a German gym, a man working out got his penis stuck in a five-pound weight. He was doing the clean and jerk, and he forgot the clean and just did the jerk.


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In his speech to the UN, Donald Trump said he may have to totally destroy North Korea. Oh my word, Trump is going to turn North Korea into a Trump Casino. 


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Apple announced they are working with counselors to make Siri more of a therapist. That’s not hard, just have Siri constantly ask, “How does that make you feel?” 


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A former prosecutor said Robert Mueller is going after Trump as if Trump is in the mafia. And Trump is going to make Mueller an offer he can’t covfefe. 


A former prosecutor said Robert Mueller is going after Trump as if Trump is in the mafia. If Trump was in the mafia, his mob nickname would be Donny Bag-a-hay-head.


A former prosecutor said Robert Mueller is going after Trump as if Trump is in the mafia. If Trump was in the mafia, his mob nickname would be Donny Cheetos. 


A former prosecutor said Robert Mueller is going after Trump as if Trump is in the mafia. If Trump was in the mafia, his mob nickname would be Donny Bag-a-Covfefe. 


A former prosecutor said Robert Mueller is going after Trump as if Trump is in the mafia. If Trump was in the mafia, his mob nickname would be Donny Tiny Mitts.


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Apple announced they are working with counselors to make Siri more of a therapist. When I asked Siri what time is it in Moscow, Siri said, “You had a breakthrough, but that is our time for today.”

Since you asked:

Poor simple-minded, but well-intended, Shailene Woodley, whom, despite her name, is not white trash, is trying the difficult transition from overly-earnest starving actress to guilty rich hippy.

Shailene really hit a new low of Hollywood pomposity when, on the red carpet for the Emmys - which, incidentally, gives awards to TV shows - Shailene lazy-shamed TV watchers and bragged she herself did not own a TV.

Shailene is already a preachy vegan and volcanic ash-eater and now she is transitioning into the roll first made famous by Jackson Browne as permanent celebrity do-gooder. 

Now, this might be me being mean, but Shailene also seems to be showing more than a few symptoms of PCF, Permanent Cocaine Face. 

PCF has been made so famous by so many celebra-douches, notably Sean Penn, Paris Hilton, of course Charlie Sheen, Jack Nicholson, Dennis Quaid, Macauley Culkin, Lindsay Lohan, just to name a few. 

The two biggest and badly kept secrets about Hollywood celebrities is they do a lot of drugs and are bi-sexual. Part of that is the money, time on their hands, the culture of fame and also the flakey personality of flamboyant dramatic types. 

Since forever, the only way in Hollywood to assuage the guilt of a three-day coke, vodka, champagne, heroin and indiscriminate-receiving- and- providing- oral sex bender, is to tell people how to live and how to vote. 


But starring on TV and then bragging on TV at a TV award show about not owning a TV is insufferable, even for Hollywood. 





Tuesday, September 19, 2017

At the TV-award-Emmys, actress Shailene Woodley bragged she doesn’t own a TV. Here’s my question: if a CrossFit vegan who rescued a puppy does not own a TV and drives a Prius, which one do they bore you with first?

On a personal side note: Please god, let Shailene Woodley begin dating Ezekiel Elliott. 




In Colorado, a woman dubbed “The Mad Pooper” is terrorizing a neighborhood. She is wanted for public defecation and impersonating Kellyanne Conway.



Monday, September 18, 2017

At the Emmys, actress Shailene Woodley lazy-shamed TV watchers. That’s like winning the Nobel Peace Prize and punching the presenter.

That's like showing up to the Over-Eating Anonymous meeting with donuts. 



Last week someone was arrested for throwing a yoga mat over the White House fence. You laugh, but this crime could downward dog someone for life.



Dallas Cowboy, Ezekiel Elliott, has been playing despite a six-game suspension for three-time domestic violence. They should have suspected a problem when Elliott’s choice for his rookie song was “Smack My Bitch Up.” 



Get your species-elevating hot takes here, 'memba him, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers? 




In the Dallas Cowboy 42-17 loss to the Denver Broncos, Ezekiel Elliott only had 8 yards on 9 carries. It was so few yards, Elliott had to make his “Feed Me” gesture using an eye-dropper instead of a spoon.




In the Dallas Cowboy 42-17 loss to the Denver Broncos, Ezekiel Elliott quit in the middle of a play after an interception. It was one of the few times three-times-domestic-abuser, Elliott, decided not to beat something out.



In the Chargers 19-17 home loss to the Miami Dolphins, there were so many empty seats, when Chargers’ fans tried to do the wave, it turned out to be a ripple.




In the Chargers 19-17 home loss to the Miami Dolphins, there were so many empty seats, when Chargers’ fans tried to do the wave, the National Weather Service declared a drought.




Today is National Cheeseburger Day. We need a National Cheeseburger Day like Chris Christie and Steve Bannon need a National Cheeseburger Day.



In the Dallas Cowboy 42-17 loss to the Denver Broncos, Ezekiel Elliott only had 8 yards on 9 carries. It was so few yards, Elliott had to replace his “Feed Me” gesture with pantomiming a feeding tube.


Alec Baldwin won the Emmy for best supporting actor in a comedy for his “SNL” Trump impression. Baldwin described the win as “Bigly.” 

Since you asked:

How busted-ass is the culture inside the Dallas Cowboys? Nobody tells Ezekiel Elliott to stop doing his selfish/annoying/self-promoting “Feed Me” gesture. Elliott still does the ass-munch "Feed Me" gesture after he gets off on a legal technicality from a six-game suspension for three serious domestic violence incidents.

And then the woman-beating Elliott takes a play off during an interception when he was four yards away from defender with the ball. 

Just stands there. 

Ezekiel Elliott is an absolute miserable human being. And Dallas is just fine with him acting like a sticky-face, bugger-nosed brat as long as he gets them yards.

In his first year in the league, the first crime I saw Ezekiel commit was to show up to the draft wearing a midriff top. In short succession he has been in two nasty car accidents, a bar fight where he miraculously avoided criminal charges and now three domestic abuse charges. 

And stop blaming the victim because she is a gutter-slut fielding offers from porn companies and extorting Elliott. That just means, in addition to beating women, Elliott is a horrible judge of character. 

How does anyone think this mouth-breathing skank-nozzle is going to avoid going full Lawrence Phillips?  Just because he has a hipster beard? That makes it worse. 

As long as two-time-charged-rapist, Ben Roethlisberger, is in the league, he will always be the most hated in my book. But Ezekiel is charging down the straightaway and picking up steam.

While making that "Feed Me" motion as he goes. 






Saturday, September 16, 2017


A rare white giraffe has been spotted in Kenya. It is so white it immediately demanded to see its own Kenyan birth certificate.

The NFL has suspended Houston Texans linebacker, Brian Cushing, for performance enhancing drugs for the second time. They suspected Cushing was using again when he punched Hurricane Harvey in the face.

An 11-year-old boy named Harry who wrote to the White House, got to mow the Rose Garden lawn. At first Donald Trump thought it was his son Barron, but then realized the kid was working so it could not have been Barron. 


North Korea just fired their second missile over Japan. When asked to comment, a frail, older North Korean woman said, “This is a proud moment for our country,” then she ran down the street chasing a Schnauzer with a frying pan.


In an interview, Floyd Mayweather said Donald Trump was a real man for his “pussy grabbing” comment. Floyd then excused himself to work on his dissertation on feminism. 



In London’s sewer, a giant fat-berg made out of cooking fat and diapers has formed the size of 11 buses. It is the most disgusting collection of rancid fat and poop in one place since the Neo-Nazis marched in Charlottesville.



In London’s sewer, a giant fat-berg made out of cooking fat and dirty diapers has formed. It is such a giant ball of rancid fat and poop, it was named the CEO of Spirit Airlines.





Since you asked:


Here is Savannah interviewing Hillary Clinton last week

So proud of two of my friend's kids. Ron and Patricia Sellers’s daughter, Savanah, won an Emmy at age 24 for her "Today" show report on opiate addiction and now she is the co-host of NBC’s broadcast “Stay Tuned” on Snapchat. 


Lexi Sun. So much athletic ability, so much charm, so much great looks. Why are there so few of us? 


And a woman who used to play soccer with our daughter, Ann Caroline, Lexi Sun, won the Gatorade High School Volleyball Player of the Year in volleyball. Now she is a freshman starter on the top-ranked Texas team. Lexi Sun is a star in volleyball, she will probably be a star in beach volleyball or movies or both. Lexi’s folks are great people, Conrad and Beth Sun, both phenomenal athletes themselves. Conrad in basketball, Beth in swimming.