Sunday, December 04, 2016

Bud light - Horse Fart

A year ago in St. Louis a man named Bud Weisser was arrested for trespassing in the Budweiser brewery. And this year you’ll never guess where they found a man named C. Alice. 

Happy National Cookie Day. Because we need a National Cookie Day like the Cleveland Browns need a National Suck at Football Day.

Emma Morano turned 117 in Italy last week. Only human in history who was alive for two Chicago Cubs World Series wins. Asked to comment, Emma said, “Donald Trump won what?” 

The inventor of General Tso’s Chicken, Peng Chang-kuei, died at 98. First the inventor of the Big Mac died, now the inventor of General Tso’s Chicken. The inventor of Hot Pockets better watch his ass.

A Harvard psychologist claims dogs dream about their humans almost all of the time. And cats dream about what their humans will taste like when they're dead. 

Wednesday, November 30, 2016

The Aristocrat

Donald Trump has vowed to take steps to avoid business conflicts. This message was brought to you by GEICO, Verizon and Pfizer, the makers of Viagra.

The man who invented the Big Mac 50 years ago, Jim Delligatti, died at 98. It is comforting to know he will never have to hear the jingle, “Two all beef patties, special sauce, lettuce, cheese, pickles, onions on a sesame seed bun” ever again.

His secret to his long life? He invented the Big Mac. He never ate a Big Mac. 

50 years ago if you could have predicted the three people who would not live another year, it would be the inventor of the Big Mac, Fidel Castro and Keith Richards.

Originally the Big Mac was called “The Aristocrat.” Someone wisely decided fast food should not have the word cat in it.

The man Donald Trump has pegged for Sec. of Treasury, Steven Mnuchin, was once sued by Trump. But if Trump could only pick people he has not sued, he could only pick Melania, Ivanka and himself. And he almost sued Ivanka. 

Kanye West is not considered stable enough to return home. When they asked Kanye if he would like to be released to the care of the Kardashian women, Kanye said, “Did I mention the flying monkeys controlling my brain?” 

My Joke From Five Years Ago:

New book coming out of pictures and x-rays of items found in folk's rectums. The title? "Keeping it Up Your Kardashian."

Monday, November 28, 2016

Fidel Castro died at 90. “See? I told you we would get him,” said the CIA.

In Seattle, a man with a lung disease finished a marathon towing an oxygen tank. And I didn’t work out because it was cloudy.

Kanye West is still hospitalized in LA. for an emotional breakdown. Kardashian women turned Scott Disick into an alcoholic, Lamar Odom into a drug addict and Bruce Jenner into a woman. Kardashian is an Armenian word that means: “Guys, run for your lives.” 

Fidel Castro passed away at 90. He violated human rights while keeping his people in poverty while he lived in luxury. Kim Jong Un will miss him dearly.

Fidel Castro passed away at 90. It has been estimated Castro survived 634 attempts on his life. But it was that exploding Samsung Galaxy Note 7 phone that finally got him.

Fidel Castro passed away at 90. He drank rum, ate pork and smoked Cuban cigars all day everyday.  Now that Castro’s gone, Cuba’s life expectancy and  GNP should go up. 

Two Buffalo Bills fans who threw a large sex toy on the field have been banned from New Era Field for life. On the bright side, they are welcomed at the Kardashian’s for the holidays.

Fidel Castro passed away at 90.  The world’s oldest communist dies on the busiest shopping day of the year, Black Friday. That’s like Kim Jong Un dying on Tall and Handsome day.

In Boston over Thanksgiving weekend, 30 minutes of CNN’s “Anthony Bourdain’s Parts Unknown” were replaced by hardcore porn. For the first five minutes, people thought they were learning how to stuff giblets back into a turkey.

Fidel Castro passed away at 90. People in Cuba are mourning him as the only leader they have ever known. That is like mourning the death of a rat as the only pet you’ve ever known.

It has been a year since Pfizer and Allergen, the makers of Viagra and Botox, have merged. The Viagra-Botox merger has been hard, rigid and tense, but it’s created stiff competition. 

Tuesday, November 22, 2016

The Baylor assistant athletic director, Heath Nielson, in charge of the school’s media image, was charged with assaulting a reporter. Now that is some Cleveland Brown-level sucking at your job. 

A Florida man was arrested for selling horse meat. When asked how many years he had been selling horse meat, the man stomped-out five with his foot.

The Donald J. Trump Foundation admitted to the IRS it engaged in “self-dealing.” “Self-dealing” sounds suspiciously like what I was guilty of in high school 

A Florida man was arrested for selling horse meat. When asked how he pleaded, he said, “Neigh Guilty.”

57-year-old Astronaut, Peggy Whitson, became the oldest woman in space. Peggy also set another record for complaining about her children not calling her.

Melania Trump announced, “Because I am a devoted mother, I’ll be staying in New York with my 10-year-old son, Barton. I mean Barron.” 

Kanye West was admitted to a hospital after suffering exhaustion. The attending physician came up with a radically controversial treatment: a nap.

Kanye West was admitted to a hospital after what was first diagnosed as exhaustion. Turns out Kanye just had a severe case of hyper-extended egomania. 

Donald Trump is said to be seriously considering Dr. Ben Carson for a cabinet position. Although Dr. Ben is said to be less interested in a cabinet position than a position on a reclining sofa.

Donald Trump said he is not going to follow through on his campaign pledge to investigate Hillary Clinton. Trump sent the good news to Hillary in an email, but it somehow got erased.

President Obama issued the Medal of Freedom award to 21 people including Bill and Melissa Gates, Tom Hanks, Michael Jordan and Bruce Springsteen. Here’s my question: did they even look at my video? 

Donald Trump is considering Rick Perry as Sec. of Agriculture for three reasons: one, he was governor of Texas. Two, he used to farm cotton. And three, oh shoot. Oh well. 

President Obama issued the Medal of Freedom award to 21 people including Bill and Melissa Gates, Tom Hanks, Michael Jordan and Bruce Springsteen. Here’s my question: why the Kato Kaelin snub?

Saturday, November 19, 2016

Chris Christie has been dumped from Donald Trump’s transition team. Some insiders feel, after falling down, there’s a good chance Christie will bounce right back. 

Mitt Romney described his meeting with Donald Trump as “Far reaching.” “Which reminds me,” said Romney, “I need to schedule a rectal exam.”

Filming the first “Star Wars,” Carrie Fisher admitted she had an affair with Harrison Ford. And C3P0 became her gay brother from another mother. 

The NFL is unsure why TV ratings are down 14%. But for now let’s cut to the Papa John, Nationwide, GEICO analysis of all the penalties and injuries before we cut to a commercial. 

While filming “Star Wars,” Carrie Fisher said she had an affair with Harrison Ford. And let’s just say she’s really happy nobody can understand R2D2.

Stephen Hawking says the human race will be wiped out in 1,000 years unless we move to another planet.  Oh great. And I just washed my car.

He is OK, but a private plane crash-landed at Santa Barbara airport when the pilot did not put down the landing gear. This is what happens when you make marijuana legal in California.  

“People” magazine has named Duane “The Rock” Johnson as the Sexiest Man Alive. I was on the list between Newt Gingrich and one of the “The Walking Dead” zombies. 

Skier, Lindsay Vonn, who has had two broken legs and three knee surgeries, just had surgery after breaking her arm in practice. All in all, still less painful than dating Tiger Woods. 

At a college cross-country race in Pennsylvania, a runner was knocked over by a deer but still finished the race near last That’s too bad. I had bet a buck on him.

But I didn't bet a lot of doe. 

A 55-year-old man, Joe Thomas Sr., is on the South Carolina State football team. They already have plays for him called, “Back in my day.” “You punks get off my lawn.” And “Damn you, stop speeding.”

Thursday, November 17, 2016

Wednesday, November 16, 2016

Taco Bell is opening 9,000 new restaurants. Good news for everyone. Well, except horses. 

During the Atlanta-Philadelphia game,  the announcers said Eagle Ryan Matthews missed a game due to a sore tooth. “Oh, that’s too bad,” said the ghost of Johnny Unitas who finished a game with his front four teeth knocked out. 

Sunday was World Kindness Day. Russian president, Vladimir Putin, celebrated World Kindness Day by not having anyone assassinated. 

During their loss against Seattle, New England’s Rob Gronkowski was knocked woozy. It was a tough medical call, a groggy Gronk versus a normal Gronk is like trying to tell the difference between egg shell white and off white. 

A Neo-Nazi group has declared New Balance the official shoe of white people. Does that mean you can’t dance in them? 

Upon hearing this, New Balance asked the Neo-Nazis, “Have you seen the latest Nikes? They’re amazing.” 

Taco Bell has opened its 7,000th restaurant in Las Vegas with a VIP lounge. It is so fancy, the beef tacos are made out of 100% pure bred stallion.

During their loss against Seattle, New England’s Rob Gronkowski was knocked woozy. When they held up three fingers and Gronk said, “Two,” they knew he was OK. 

Friday, November 11, 2016

Something big happened on Tuesday? 

A study shows that talking to yourself is not crazy, it means you are really smart. Really? Yes, that is great news. Isn’t it? It sure is. 

Facebook is experiencing an unprecedented amount of un-friending due to political differences. Today Bruce Jenner unfriended Caitlyn Jenner because she voted for Trump.

Following the Donald Trump win, the second happiest man has to be Billy Bush. He is as happy as a Bush that hasn’t been grabbed by Trump. 

Melania Trump is excited about being the First Lady. Her first order of business is to work with the FBI to capture Moose and Squirrel. 

A University of Colorado study claims heavier shoes can make you run slower. Wow. They really do smoke a lot of pot in Colorado. 

Taco Bell is adding 9,000 more restaurants. Their new motto? Run For the Border Wall.”

Former Illinois Congressman, Aaron Shock, who had his office designed after “Downton Abbey,” has been indicted for stealing. Soon his office will be designed like “Orange is the New Black.”

A University of Colorado study clams heavier shoes can make you run slower. The entire corporation of Nike had to take a sick day to process this information. 

Wouldn’t you love to be a fly on the wall when Donald Trump explains the whole “Living in the White House” thing to Melania?

Monday, November 07, 2016

The viral picture of the Chicago River being dyed blue for the Cubs World Series win was photoshopped. “Thank goodness,” said the Cuyahoga River next to the Cleveland Browns.

If the Chicago Bears win the Super Bowl this year, god will turn the Chicago river into Old Style beer.

Wednesday, November 02, 2016

The official newspaper of the KKK, “The Crusader,” has endorsed Donald Trump. This is not good news for Donald Trump’s African American voters. All six of them.

The official newspaper of the KKK, “The Crusader,” has endorsed Donald Trump. This was especially shocking to younger voters. “What the hell is a newspaper?”

Everybody is excited about game seven of the World Series between the Chicago Cubs and the Cleveland Indians. Even the Cleveland Browns wanted to go to the game, but they did not have the strength to push through the turnstiles. 

On "Keeping Up with the Kardashians," Kendall Jenner told her mother, Kris, that she has sleep paralysis. But then they figured out she just doesn't know how to set her alarm.