Monday, March 27, 2017

The NFL owners have voted 31-1 to let the Oakland Raiders move to Las Vegas. Young, fit, rich, testosterone-crazed egomaniacs in a town with 24-hour gambling, drinking, hookers and strippers. What could possibly go wrong? 

“60 Minutes,” just did a story on fake news. Although I’m not sure I believe it. 

The economy is tough. For a fee, Russian hackers are now offering to rig your pants. 

Since “60 Minutes,” did a story of opponents of Vladimir Putin getting poisoned, more Putin critics have been poisoned. Today Donald Trump just named Chris Christie Sec. of Food Tasting. 

A study claims staring at boobs for ten minutes a day increases your lifespan. Wow, Dolly Parton is going to live forever.

In Mexico, they arrested the second accomplice in the Tom Brady stollen jersey caper. For the love of god, Rob Gronkowski, get some help. 

“60 Minutes,” just did a story on how you can trump up your Twitter retweets and likes. Not to mention any names, but someone is jacking up their twitter-likes bigly.  

In the NCAA tournament you have Gonzaga versus South Carolina in the semis. Once I heard about a guy who went to Las Vegas and caught Gonzaga in his Gamecock, but the penicillin cleared it up.

The economy is tough. Harrison Ford had to crash-land his plane because he ran out of gas.

The economy is tough. Barack Obama had to wire-tap a brokerage firm to get investment tips for his retirement. 

Two teenage girls were not allowed to board a flight from Minneapolis to Denver because they were wearing spandex. That is harsh. Now any man over 40 in bike shorts? They should be on the no-fly list.

For the first time, the South Carolina Gamecocks are in the NCAA final four. Remembers, guys, if your gamecock lasts over four hours, call a doctor. 

41-year-old Facebook pioneer, Taner Halicioglu, donated $75 mil to his alma mater, UCSD. Or as parents call that: paying tuition.

The rumor is NFL teams are afraid of picking Colin Kaerpernick for fear of getting a nasty tweet from Trump. If she could throw into cover 2 defense in the red zone, NFL teams would sign Typhoid Mary. 

Kentucky lost to North Carolina 75-73 on a buzzer beater. People in Kentucky have not been this depressed since they made it illegal to bring your sister to the prom. 

Friday, March 24, 2017

Is it just me, or is this Kane character the unholy baby born of Arnold Schwarzenegger and Drew Carey?

Thursday, March 23, 2017

Have you seen that giant chicken? There hasn’t been a chicken that big since Donald Trump used his tender little foot to get out of Vietnam.

Happy 11th birthday to Twitter. Try to imagine that, eleven years ago, if someone had a thought about the Kardashians, they had to keep it to themselves. 

In Texas, a 27-year-old pretty high school teacher, Sarah Fowlkes, could not stop smiling during her mug shot after being arrested for having sex with a 17-year-old student. She claims,as a math teacher, she was happy that he learned many times 17 can go into 27.

Former Notre Dame star, Manti Te’o, has signed a two-year deal with the New Orleans Saints. The signing was witnessed by Te’o’s business manager and Te’o’s invisible girlfriend. 

Since you asked:

Colin Kaepernick's kneeling during the anthem resulted in much-needed discussions about race. That is good.

You can say a protest during the National Anthem is not disrespectful to the military until you're blue in the face. That does not mean it is not. 

Fair or not, probably not, Colin Kaepernick is graveyard dead to the NFL.

Happy National Puppy Day. It brings me no joy - on this of all days - to announce we have the world's most duplicitous dog In Walter Payton Kaseberg. 

When I come down the stairs to make coffee, Wally does not so much as stir a muscle to greet me. But a few hours laters, when it is his chompin' breafy time, to quote George Thorogood, Lawwwd he is lovey-dovey. 

Wednesday, March 22, 2017

Yesterday was Barron Trump’s 11th birthday. Today is the 11th anniversary of the birth of Twitter. Accident? I don’t think so.

Chuck Berry passed away and now Chuck Barris. Would somebody please check on Chuck Norris and Chuck Taylor?

Have you seen that giant chicken? There hasn’t been a chicken that big since Donald Trump used his foot to get out of Vietnam.

Happy 11th birthday to Twitter. Try to imagine that, eleven years ago, if someone had a thought about the Kardashians, they had to keep it to themselves. 

In Texas, a 27-year-old pretty high school teacher, Sarah Fowlkes, could not stop smiling during her mug shot after being arrested for having sex with a 17-year-old student. She claims, as a math teacher, she was happy that he learned how many times 17 can go into 27.

Former Notre Dame star, Manti Te’o, has signed a two-year deal with the New Orleans Saints. The signing was witnessed by Te’o’s business manager and Te’o’s invisible girlfriend. 

While the NCAA tournament takes a break, the NIT tournament is going on. For those not familiar, the NIT tournament is to the NCAA tournament what hummus is to guacamole. People pretend they like it as much, but nobody believes them. 

Tuesday, March 21, 2017

Dire Straits - Romeo and Juliet HD

There is no heartbreak without love. This song captures that so honestly. 

My Get-Well Letter to Gale Sayers

My heart just broke again hearing my childhood idol, Gale Sayers, has dementia. This is the second time Gale Sayers broke my heart. 

On a beautiful November fall day in 1968 in Winnetka, Illinois, when I was ten, my dad and I were raking leaves into a burning pile - you could do that then - on the front lawn and listening to the Chicago Bear - San Francisco 49er game on the transistor radio. 

Norman Rockwell would have puked with happiness. 

Suddenly concerned, my dad grabbed the radio and put it close to his ear. He then gave me a look that I will never forget. He had bad news he did not want to tell me. Four words changed my life:

“Gale Sayers is hurt.”

As I was ten and did not want anyone to see me cry, I ran upstairs into my room and jumped face down on the bed. Not sure how I knew, I just knew this was bad. 

In an effort to help me pull out of it, my parents suggested I write Gale Sayers a “Get-Well” letter. 

My dad said to call "The Chicago Tribune" and ask for his address. 

After calling the sports desk, I got what I like to imagine is a cigar chomping Ed Asner-like gruff sports writer who barked. “What do you want his address for?” When I told him I wanted to write Gale a get-well letter, he paused and said, “Just wait a while, kid.” 

About ten minutes later, my Ed Asner gave me Gale Sayers's home address.

The only thing I remember about my letter is making a stupid comment that, since he broke the touchdown record against the 49’ers his rookie year, maybe they were trying to get even. But I do know I did not ask for anything, just that he get better. Because that was all I wanted.

Two weeks later, I got a big yellow envelope. It had Gale Sayers's glossy rookie picture with his shaved head and it was signed to me. Along with it was a thank you note Gale Sayers wrote himself. 

Gale Sayers taught me how to run with a football. Because he said he learned his moves from chasing the family dog to try and get their ball back, I used to chase our dog and all the neighborhood dogs. Because Gale said he played football on a cold Omaha brick back alley that hurt to get tackled on, so he learned how to avoid getting tackled, I insisted we play tackle on the asphalt driveway. 

Gale Sayers also taught me that nothing good lasts forever. And that bad things happen to great people. And Gale Sayers taught me that all the love and hope in the world from a ten-year-old boy cannot make a bad knee get better.

But the thing Gale Sayers taught me the most was courage. On a knee that was later discovered to be butchered by the Bears' criminally inept doctor, Gale Sayers still led the league in rushing that next year. He did this on pure guts. Guts nobody would see the likes of again until a guy named Walter Payton. 

In all deference to Walter "Sweetness" Payton and Barry Sanders, Gale Sayers was the greatest running back ever. Period. 

Gale Sayers has broken my heart twice and he is going to break my heart one more time. And I would not have it any other way. 

(When I was in college, before a party, for the first and last time, my mom splurged and hired a cleaning crew of three strangers to scour the house from top to bottom. My framed Gale Sayers autographed picture vanished during the process) 

Monday, March 20, 2017

This is such a rough time for democrats in Washington, DC, people would rather admit they’re Redskin fans than democrats.

The economy is so bad, Donald Trump has dropped 208 spots on “Forbes” billionaire list. Trump may not get invited to the Billionaire Potluck Dinner. 

Duke upset by South Carolina. So, in the title for team names that sound like STD nicknames, the Gamecocks beat the Blue Devils.

Since you asked:

"Hey, this old-timey toilet isn't flushing right." 

Tom Brady’s stolen Super Bowl jersey has been found. It turns out Amy Schumer was trying to turn it into a joke.

Following their loss to Kentucky, the wife of Wichita State’s coach, Gregg Marshall, Lynn, was asked to leave for loudly cursing. We cannot repeat what she said. It was a Shocker.

Suspended tennis star, Maria Sharapova, is still the spokesperson for Evian bottled water. Maybe Maria can explain why Evian advertises that its water has been filtered through the Alps for 10,000 years and yet it has a six-month expiration date. 

Comedian Amy Schumer continues to face allegations about joke stealing. Truth is, I would love to have Amy steal one of my jokes, but my jokes about my pussy are just not very good. 

Sunday, March 19, 2017

In the World Baseball Classic, USA’s Adam Jones made a game-saving catch to end the game against the Dominican Republic. Adam Jones is no relation to the Bengal’s Adam Jones and you could tell because this Adam Jones was not arrested later that night.

A second White House fence jumper in a week was caught. No danger. It was just a gardener from Mar-a-Lago trying to get Trump to pay his overdue bill. 

Katy Perry admitted she has done more than her hit song suggested, “I Kissed a Girl And I Liked It.” Upon hearing this, many young men's pants just sang “Hello” by Adele.   

Puisque vous avez demandé:

Man did I enjoy “Allied.” 

The Brad Pitt-Marian Cotellard spy romance-thriller. Old school classy. Not only does it seem like it was back in WWII, but the film itself seems like an old “Casablanca” like classic. But with enough action and sexy in it to entertain its modern ADHD audiences. 

Maybe now is a good time to come clean. Yep, it is time to admit it: I am a spy.

Of course we spies do not use the word spy. Personally, I preferred Covert Operative Cognitive Killer. Until I saw what the abbreviation was. 

Now I just use Covert Operative. 

Now why, you ask, would a brilliant spy use the cover of a struggling, ahem, slightlyy older comedy writer? Well, a wildly successful young comedy writer wouldn't really have time to do anything else. And what better cover than someone who appears not smart enough to be good enough for huge comedy success? 

And, besides, no self-respecting spy would give up his cover. right? Unless they wanted you to think they weren't a spy. So what better cover for a spy than admitting his cover? 


In other words, if a spy admits he, or she, is a spy than he, or she, cannot be a spy which is exactly what us spies - or C.O.'s - want you to think. 

Oh, slap dippy bop, patty, dappy boop. 

(No, really, that is a message for Wolverine #32 in Tangiers)

Is there some new rule that the cheesy advertising-whoring "Buzz Feed" wanne-be lists on social media never feature the story and picture that lured you in to begin with? 

Is it just me, or is Kentucky’s natty blue and white checkered uniforms reminiscent of another great athlete who enjoyed success in Kentucky, Secretariat? 

Love. It's what makes a Subaru a Subaru. All those other car makers are just trying to make money off of us. Freaking car whores.

Saturday, March 18, 2017

In Jupiter, FLA cops, Amy Walling and Jason VonSteenBurgh, were fired for having sex on duty because Jason sexted a picture of it. Cops having sex on duty is called stupid. Sexting a picture of it is called Florida stupid.

A study claims there are three types of online porn users. Recreational, distressed and compulsive. Recreational users are normal. Distressed users feel guilty. And compulsive porn users cannot even hear about porn without . . . hey. Where you goin'? 

Michigan football’s latest recruiting class features nine lineman between 278 and 335 pounds. In a related story, Ann Arbor’s Olive Garden just changed their Never-ending pasta bowls to Ending-when-we-say-so pasta bowls.

In the NCAA tournament, #11 USC upset #6 SMU 66-65. It was also when drunk St. Patty’s day partiers saw a game and said, “Look, USC and SMU spells "You Schmucks.”

Friday, March 17, 2017

Artie Lange? Cocaine and heroin? Come on. Look at this health nut. Are they sure it wasn't whey protein powder and vitamin C?
Happy St. Patrick's Day, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

In honor of St. Patrick's Day, they dye the Chicago River green. This year, as an added bonus, the Cubs also dyed the White Sox fans green with envy.

Since you asked:

New Rule: whatever douche-bag celebrity has more than $10,000 worth of jewelry lying around stolen? They have to donate that amount to fighting cancer. 

St. Patrick's Day celebrity dirt addition;

Bruce Willis will always rank as one of the people I despised the most in the shortest period of time.

Bruce was a bartender in the hip club Kamikaze in New York circa early 80’s. He was short, balding, smug and coked to the gills on an incredible mall-cop-like power trip. 

In the entire time I was there, which totaled about three nights, Bruno-the-dick never made eye contact with me, let alone would he deem to lower himself to take my drink order. 

And, according to some chardonnay-soaked Ketchum, Idaho trophy wives in a wine bar over ten years later, in violation of the non-disclosure agreement the Willis’s had them sign, Bruce and Demi are/were incredibly kinky and into group sex. (Let’s say neither Demi nor Bruce is overly committed to one team. Yes, that means what you think it means)

And, worst of all, Bruce is a shitty harmonica player who whores his celebrity to foist his awful playing on people.

So all those stories you've heard of Bruce Willis turning into a major dick? Not true.  

Bruce was always a dick.

Now on a more positive note:

One of the many joys of living in San Diego in the 90’s was having Joan Kroc amongst us. 

As Joan got a tad older - and had a run-in with a DUI - she finally hired a driver. Many times I saw her being driven around - sitting in front, of course - in her mid-size, light brown Buick. At the grocery store she smiled and said hello. 

Joan was as unassuming as a billionaire could be. A genuinely nice, midwestern gal. A gal's gal. 

From time to time - at least once a month - there would be sad story on the local news about someone falling on hard times;  a little league team could not afford a trip to a tournament; a single mom was about to get evicted; a family could not afford to keep a dog.

Low and behold, the next day there was an extremely generous gift from an anonymous benefactor. Joan vehemently denied making these donations, of course. 

But when Joan passed, the gifts stopped. 

In Florida, a pro golfer, Cody Gribble, went up to a resting alligator and tapped its tail startling it into the water. The last golfer who did that? Sam “Lefty” McJones, the inventor of one-handed golf clubs . 

Pretty sure that is how Captain Hook got his start.

Dumbest thing a golfer has done since a married Tiger Woods gave his cell phone number to a Rachel Uchitel and five Hooter's waitresses.

Ivanka Trump’s jewelry line is going more mainstream.  And Eric Trump landed the “after” role in a public service announcement decrying the dangers of Fetal Alcohol Syndrome. 

Thursday, March 16, 2017

You either get the NCAA tournament or you don't. When I told a co-worker a lot of people had Gonzaga in the semis, she said, "STD's are rampant." 

Have you seen Clint Eastwood’s son, Scott Eastwood’s BMW commercial where he extols the virtue of hard work? That kid was born with a silver spoon so far down his throat it came out in a rectal exam.

Emmylou Harris "Pancho and Lefty"

Pancho was a bandit boy,
His horse was fast as polished steel
He wore his gun outside his pants
For all the honest world to feel, 
Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

The economy is bad all over the world. In Japan, the bad economy put a squeeze on their annual Penis Festival. 

The economy is bad all over the world. In Japan, the bad economy was even hard on their Penis Festival. 

The economy is so bad, to make money on the side, Ed. Sec., Betsy DeVos, is offering to tutor kids in book learnin’.

The economy is so bad, to make money on the side, Ed. Sec., Betsy DeVos, is offering to tutor kids in mathmology. 

The economy is so bad, March Madness has turned into March Pissed-off That I’m Broke.

The economy is so bad, when he gets out of prison this Fall, OJ Simpson is going to live on Kato Kaelin’s couch. 

The economy is so bad, 23 years later and we are still recycling OJ Simpson jokes.

The economy is so bad, April the giraffe was clinching to keep from delivering her baby until she got a higher bid for the name.  

President Trump is having a Twitter war with Snoop Dog. Wow. Just like our founding fathers predicted.

The economy is so bad, the porn site “PornHub” has posted a GoFundMe fundraiser.  

Rough night for the Kardashian/Jenner women. Kendal Jenner had $200,000 of jewelry stolen and Kim, Khloe and Kourtney’s store “Dash” was vandalized. Worst day since they had to fire their manicurist who mistakenly painted their toenails Ballet Slipper Pink instead of Barbie Pink.

During the last storm, the porn site, “PornHub” plowed Boston and New Jersey driveways for free. The only catch is, because they’re a porn site, they blast the last load of snow in your face. 

In the NCAA battle of the brains, Northwestern beat Vanderbilt 68-66 on a huge mental mistake by Vanderbilt. However, Vanderbilt won the side bet on who could calculate Pi the furthest.

The Northwestern-Vanderbilt trash talking was embarrassing;

“Look here, athletic antagonist, nuanced dexterity is neither your nor your plus-sized matriarch’s métier. N'est-ce pas?” 

Awkward when Ed. Sec., Betsy DeVos, tweeted, "Congratulations to the entire city of Northwestern."

NU alum and ESPN announcer, Britt McHenry, was so excited, she did not even slap the parking lot attendant.