Take the rock to the hole, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

Sure sign
Police in Arizona found a portable meth lab in a church; authorities became suspicious because the name of the church is Our Sister of the Shirtless Guy with Broken Teeth.

Bag it
American Airlines is charging passengers $15 to check their first bag; And it’s another $20 for your first barf bag.

Ouch
The good news is that John McCain’s medical records have been released and he has a clean bill of health; the bad news is the medical records were signed by Doc Holiday of Tombstone.

I bet
The Humpback whale population has gone from nearly extinct to over 20,000; well sure, a species is bound to reproduce well if they have hump in their name. The “Get Some” whales are thriving as well.

The nerve
As with Charles Barkley's $400,000 bill, Dallas Cowboy troublemaker Pacman Jones barely missed criminal charges by paying an overdue Las Vegas Casino gambling debt for $20,000. These pampered athletes are handed loans of tens and – in Barkley’s case – hundreds of thousands of dollars and if they lose, they think they can just walk away. Who do they think they are, Hillary Clinton?

Get busier
“Maxim” magazine says the average man burns 125 calories having sex for one hour. According to Calories Per Hour.com, the average man burns 125 calories sitting in church for an hour. If you’re burning the same calories in church and having sex, you better pray you get better at sex.

Or
If a guy is burning the same amount of calories having sex as he does sitting in church, you do not want to sit in back of him in church.

Stream Line
A guy in Bulgaria has invented dual a urinal video game; the idea is to hit the targets with your urine stream. And, before you ask, no it isn’t available on Wii.

Either one
The movie “Sex and the City” opens in seven days; if you know that you either have a vagina or you have no interest in seeing one.

The movie “Sex and the City” opens soon, its about four hot women who have lots of sex in expensive New York apartments, they never work, they shop, go to clubs and eat brunch all day on weekends. That should be called “Sex For Hire in the City” these women have to be high class whores.

The movie “Sex and the City” opens in seven days; a lot of women identify their friends as the characters in “Sex in the City” like a Charlotte is sweet and innocent, a cynical hard worker is a Miranda, a Carrie is witty, fun and hip, and if you’re a Samantha, well, then you're a skank.

Speaking of Skanks
Another sex video of Paris Hilton has surfaced this time it shows Paris having sex in a bathtub; you think that’s wild? The bathtub is in a Home Depot show room display

Fool her once, shame on the guy filming her, fool her twice means Paris is too stupid to know the red light means the video camera is on.

Since you asked:
The History Channel featured an interesting special on the Comanche, probably the fiercest, bravest, meanest and most skilled riders and fighters in the West. Before the white man, they were the Indian equivalent of the white man. No prisoners, no compromise. Get off our land. We want it all and will kill you to have it. There were no good guys in the battle between Texas Rangers and Comanche’s.

The Comanches were but a small percentage of all Native Americans yet their image as savage and gallant fighters is what was used the majority of the time in Westerns. Nobody made a movie about the Chumash Indians gathering fruits and nuts along the Central Coast of California, which was far more typical of Native Americans than the shooting-arrows-from-underneath-a-galloping-horse Comanches.

Two things about the documentary struck me as interesting. By taking the fight to the White man with the same war philosophy of preemptive strikes and take no prisoners, the Comanches helped seal their own doom. By being too much alike, the Comanches and the Whites had no chance of ever getting along. Two bullies finally hooked up and the one with the most numbers won out.

The second thing that struck me about the Comanches was how they let their leaders pick themselves. If a warrior was the best fighter and men followed him into battle and won, he was chosen as the band’s leader, no questions asked. If a Comanche campaigned to be chosen a leader that would be the first thing that would eliminate him. Great leaders don’t want to be leaders. They are just born leaders.

We should learn from that in our own political system. If somebody is dying to get into office, that should be the first indication we don’t want them in that office. We should be able to take the most outstanding leader, whether he is in business or in the military, and say;

“Hey you, we’ve decided we would be the best off, as a country, if you were leading things. Congratulations, you're President.”

No mudslinging, no false promises, no lies, no manipulations, no horse pucky.

Gonna get our grill on up in here this M-Day, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

How
Barack Obama visited a Crow reservation and the chief adopted him and gave him the Indian name Black Eagle; he also gave Hillary Clinton an Indian name: Icy Pants Suit.


Barack Obama visited a Crow reservation and the chief adopted him and gave him the Indian name Black Eagle; John McCain already has the Indian name he was given by Sitting Bull: Old Man Who Whistles When He Talks.


Good luck charm
“American Idol” semi-finalist, David Cook, has had mediocre performances the last few shows; to break out of his slump, tonight Cook is wearing Jason Giambi’s gold-lame tiger thong.


Not quite the same anymore
The Indiana Jones movie is coming out. You can tell Indiana Jones is getting up there; the closest thing to a fight scene is when Indy argues with the cashier for double coupons on his cat food.


Shock and awe
It was Cher’s birthday yesterday and they threw her a surprise birthday party, and boy did Cher look shocked and wildly surprised. But then, with all her face lifts and Botox, Cher always looks shocked and wildly surprised.


Breaking it down
Cher had a birthday yesterday, Cher is 62. Well, some of her is 62, her breasts are 23, her lips are ten and her ass is just five-years-old.


Oh, oui kid the French
This week in 1927, Charles Lindberg became the first person to fly solo across the Atlantic landing in Paris; His biggest problem was processing the thousands of French people who instinctively surrendered to a foreign intruder arriving on French soil.


Not the first time
New York Yankee’s Jason Giambi admitted he wears a gold lame tiger thong under his uniform to break hitting slumps. This is not unprecedented, one time, after a wild night, Babe Ruth had to play a game wearing a hooker’s corset that got stock on his gut.


Since you asked:
So what tasty morsels are going on Lex’s grill this here M-Weekend? If the waves cooperate on Monday I am going to head North to either Cardiff – the sight of my recent ass-kicking so hopefully I will get out – or Carlsbad, paddleboard my brains out and then slink on over to Tip Top Meats in Carlsbad and pick up one of their amazing bone-in rib eyes.

Rub those bad boys with garlic powder, smoked paprika, fresh ground pepper, toss on a hot grill, sear both sides, remove and slather oil and sprinkle sea salt, put them back for the cross marks, take them off to rest and add more sea salt.

Roasted garlic mashed potatoes and my A1 steak sauce and water cooked green beans with toasted sesame sauce and then slather the meat with a red wine reduction sauce. A nice glass of Aussie red and Bob is your Frickin’ Uncle.

Remember to hoist one or two to our fighting heroes. They did it so we didn't have to.

We getting’ real real fast up in here, Torn Slatterns and Nugger Ranchers

Just like it
As far as claiming victory for the democrats, Hillary Clinton told Barack Obama: “Not so fast.” Wow, they bicker all the time and now she is telling him not so fast? It’s like they’re married.

Tough times
You can tell Hillary Clinton’s campaign is in tough financial times; Hillary has gone from wearing silk pants suits, to wool, then cotton and now Hillary is reduced to wearing reversible polyester pants suits.

Not nice
Charles Barkley barely escaped criminal chargers over a gambling debt of $400,000; In retrospect, Barkley says, even though he is fond of the Royal Family, it was a mistake to put so much money on Camille Parker Bowles to win the Kentucky Derby.

We kid and like the Ellen
Ellen Degeneres is engaged to her girlfriend Portia de Rossi; anyone interested in getting the couple a wedding gift, they are registered at “Bed, Bath and Strap-on.”

I, uh, I did not know that
Kentucky Derby winner Big Brown won the Preakness and hopes to win the Triple Crown; the Triple Crown hasn’t been won since Affirmed in 1978. Affirmed retired to stud and, according to her autobiography, “Audition” Affirmed secretly dated Barbara Walters for two years.

Kinda do
New York Yankee Jason Giambi admitted he wears a gold lame leopard thong to break hitting slumps. Suddenly I long for the days when players ended slumps by putting needles on their butts.

Charles Not To Charge
Charles Barkley barely escaped criminal chargers over a gambling debt of $400,000; Barkley vows he will never gamble again, but I don’t think he gets it. Barkley is giving three-to-one odds that he won’t ever gamble again.

Again, not nice
In his trip to Egypt, President Bush rode a camel; It was a little awkward when onlookers shouted “Hey, look at the hump. And he is riding a camel.”

Overheard
Some bad news for Hillary, while campaigning at a Kentucky thoroughbred farm, she was overheard asking the owner; “So how much to make Bill a gelding?”

Nice moment
Cancer survivor, Boston Red Sox pitcher Jon Lester pitched a no-hitter in a 7-0 win against the Kansas City Royals. It was an emotional moment in Boston, even New England Patriot’s coach Bill Belichick had a tear in his eye, but it turns out that was from bumping into his video camera.

The good ol’ baseball way
New York Yankee Jason Giambi admitted he wears a gold-lame tiger thong to break out of a hitting slump. That is disgusting, sick and perverted, Giambi should break a slump the traditional major league way: by having sex with a really fat and ugly woman.

When did they get on?
The Supreme Court upheld a strict federal law that makes it a crime to send messages over the computer that offer child pornography. The ruling was 7-2. Here is my question: who were the two opposed? Since when are R. Kelley and Michael Jackson on the Supreme Court?

That’s the ticket
A video has surfaced that appears to show a 23-year-old Angelina Jolie in a drug den talking about enjoying bi-sexual sado-masochistic sex. Or as I call it, my ticket to clean prostate health for the week.


Since you asked:

It is confession time. It would appear that I am not quite as young and fit as I like to think I am.

Nor, apparently, do I look it.

My daughter’s soccer team is lucky enough to have a Dad who is an elite athlete trainer, Paul Wright - who played professional soccer in Europe and the United States – who is the owner and founder of “Speed to Burn” a fitness company that specializes in improving overall balance, speed and endurance.

One of the moms on the team – one of the younger and fitter moms I might add – got the bright idea to have one of the ‘STB” instructors give a class once a week to the parents. Granted it is dialed for fitness more than any speed as we are pretty much all into tendon-tearing age.

So they hold the first class during our girl’s soccer practice so I stick around to watch. They do some agility drills, a few jump ropes, that hippy-hoping, steppy-step rope-ladder-on-the-ground thing and a few sit ups. Big deal? Some hopping and lying on the grass. I can do that, so I decide to do it this week.

So we do a lap around this park, maybe a quarter mile, to warm up. Then we stretch. Then she breaks out the little that hippy-hopping, steppy-step rope-ladder-on-the-ground thing. Ahh isn’t that precious? We have a widdle bitty ladder. We can play fireman. Sheesh. You got a real athlete over here, for crying-out-loud. I've helicopter skied in the Canadian Rockies, I've jumped and rode waves windsurfing in Maui, I've done many mini-triathlons. Don't bring these cheesy ladder toys in my house.

Two steps per rung all the way through. Easy, right? Wait. Why are my calves so tired? We do one step in each rung two outside. Now why are my thighs so tired? Three outside the rung, one inside, three outside. Wait. Now why am I breathing so hard?

This frickin’ rope ladder step thing was about ten times harder than I thought and waxed my six. Plus we only had half as many people this time as the first time so there was no waiting in line like the first week.

No lie, after the very first drill, I thought I was toast. I was gassed. I am screwed.

Then she set up an obstacle type course where we had bound on rubber platforms, dodge cones and do five burpies at the end. Burpies suck. Burpies are when you touch the ground and then jump up in the air. Sounds easy, right? Try it after running through and obstacle course. Now do that ten times in a row.

Then it is jump rope drills, which I am proud to say I did pretty well. Then over to a wall for more hopping and chairs. A chair is when you lean against the wall with your knees bent at a 90 degree angle as if you’re sitting on a chair, but you are not. Thighs be burnin’.

Finally it was sit up time. Can you imagine that? Being so gassed and tired that you’re looking forward to doing sit ups? Well I was and I did. And I am proud to say I did the abdominal work pretty well. Even the plank. The plank is when you get in the push up position but on your elbows and forearms instead of your palms and you hold it for a minute. Go ahead. Try it. See? Now imagine it after all that other crap.

Made it. Yes I am tired, yes I am sweaty, yes I am gassed, but I did it.

Not quite, the instructor told us to run three laps. What? My legs are shot. Now I can run an easy three to five miles without too much of a problem, but now my legs are shot. But because I am an idiot and I think I am 25, I decide to run with whoever is in front.

Big mistake. The woman in front is Audrey, a very nice, very pretty but ridiculously fit woman of about, oh, maybe 32. I am not pretty and I am not a ridiculously fit woman and I am really not 32, and, right now, I am also not feeling very nice.

But I hang with her as she is easily making conversation which I turn in the direction of finding out how much this work-out animal runs. Oh, about three or four miles a day. Turns out she and some of her girlfriends have a little running group that meets on Sundays for a “fun eight mile run.” Before this I didn’t know the words fun and eight mile run could go together.

One lap to go and I have to start coming up with mental tricks to keep going. The genius trick I pick? Well, at least I can’t feel much worse. Don’t ever say something can’t get worse, Slats and Nugs, because, if you do, it can and it will.

At what I thought prior to this was my worst moment, as sweetly as she can, Audrey turns to me and nicely says; “Your daughter, Ann Caroline, is so fast.” Now I feel proud and a little bit better, and I am positive that she didn’t mean it this way, but, she then turned and looked at me and said;

“Where does she get it from?”

Oh, the humanity.

It took every ounce of energy I had not only to finish that lap but also to keep from getting all Al Bundy on her ass;

“Why, I’ll have you know I once scored 22 touchdowns in one high school football season, ran a 4.5 forty and was the youngest by two years to qualify for the 19-and-under National Decathlon Championship where I broke 6,000 points at age 16.”

Cue: “Glory Days.”

Nope, I had to tell myself, Lex, you are not 21 and living in Santa Barbara working out or windsurfing four hours every day. No, you’re in your forties – hey, it’s still true for a couple of months, so I am going to say it – and way, way too many cheeseburgers and bottles of cheap California wine and Kettle One vodka have slipped in you for you to deserve to feel the outrage that you feel.

But that didn’t mean I didn’t feel it anyway.

Slap it, bap it and whap it, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

How hot was it?
Man it was hot. I was sweating like Hillary Clinton’s campaign accountant.

Man it was hot. Iron Man had to wear his sheet-metal Bermuda shorts.

It was so hot Iron Man nearly melted his nuts . . . and his bolts.

We kid the Niners fans
The California Supreme Court ruled that gay marriage is legal. In San Francisco, men donned wild dresses, popped champagne corks, danced, kissed strangers. And that was just in the Forty Niner locker room.

California ruled that gay marriage is legal. In San Francisco, men donned wild dresses, popped champagne corks, danced, kissed strangers. When asked how long the gay ruling celebration would last, they asked; “What gay ruling celebration?”

Thong gone wrong
New York Yankee Jason Giambi admitted he wears a gold leopard thong to break a slump. It helps that the thong has a steroid syringe sticking in it.

What could go wrong there?
USC basketball star OJ Mayo is accused of taking illegal payments from agents, but Mayo denies it. And, frankly, when it comes to telling the truth, how can you not believe a USC star named OJ?

Why?
Annika Sorenstam has retired from golf at 37. Why do you retire from golf? That’s like retiring from naps.

Good idea
Muskogee, OK elected a 19-year-old mayor, John Taylor Hammons. Getting elected mayor was all part of Hammons grand scheme to try and lose his virginity.

Gang schmang
A gang of surfers in wealthy La Jolla are on trial for murdering a surfer in a fight; La Jolla is a wealthy town, but this gang was from the tough side of town. That’s the side of La Jolla with only two Starbucks.

A gang of surfers in wealthy La Jolla are on trial for murdering a surfer in a fight; usually a gang from La Jolla consists of a group of debutantes in a Jaguar doing a drive-by snubbing.

Just kidding, Honey
Now that gay people can marry in California, for gay people unfamiliar with marriage, let me give you a few terms to remember: Yes, dear. You’re right, dear, I’m sorry, and Oh swift death where is thine sweet relief?


Since you asked:
Lord knows I loves me some women. Since grade school it has been my observation that women are smarter than us big goofy dumb guys, women are kinder, cleaner and far more attractive in every way. Why women have anything to do with us big stupid dopes, let alone have sex with us, is a mystery to me but one that I am very happy and grateful for.

But we men and women are different, there ain’t no getting’ around that.

Guys, have you ever made the socially fatal error of trying to keep up in a conversation of three or more women? Don’t. We don’t have the workings, we don’t have the wiring.

The other day at a party, I was surrounded by four very nice, very attractive, very smart, very well-educated moms from our daughter’s Girl Scout troop and I tried to participate in their conversation. It was like the proverbial three-legged, one-eyed black lab named Lucky trying to cross a busy eight-lane California freeway.


Picture, if you will, by a nice backyard pool, cocktails in hand, four lovely women in their mid to late thirties, early forties, and one big stupid galoot jamoke knucklehead dorpy guy, me, as the director does a Martin Scorsese-like round-table-circular camera pan.

(My thoughts are in parenthesis)

“Oh, I just love, love, love your shoes. They're fun.”

(How the hell can shoes be fun?)

“Thanks, I got them on sale at “Nordies”

“The one by Farmers Market? Have you tried their herb-and oil marinated chicken?”

(Chickens? Weren’t they just talking about shoes one second ago? And what’s a Nordies?)

“Yes, I love it, but I am starting a new diet”

“Oh, no you don’t have to diet. Which diet?”

“Isagenix”

(Is age nix? Is that one word or three? Is that even in our language?)

“My friend, Karen-Annalyn did that.”

“Oh, is that the woman with the son you talked about?”

“Yes, but he’s doing better, thanks.”

(Who is doing better? What happened to the diet talk? I had a diet comment all ready to go. I cannot get a word in here sideways and I grew up in a family where stopping to inhale was considered an opening in the conversation)

“Have you all had that new spin instructor?”

As if one, the other three earnestly nod and say;

“Yeeeeeeessssssssss.”

(There is no way a human can tell if this is a great yes or a horrible yes, but before I can ask “What’s wrong with the new spin instructor?” another jumps in)

“How did your fourth grade science presentation projects go?”

(OK, I think I can add something to this, my daughter, Ann Caroline, did her project on monkeys and when I asked her why, she just looked at me like I was crazy and said; “Because monkeys like to throw their poo, Daddy.” Which I thought was hilarious, so I will break in with that story)

“Oh, good. Who is your teacher this year?”

(Wait, what happened to the science project? I got something on that)

“Mrs. Henson, you know about what happened to her?”

Just like with the spin instructor, all three, as one, earnestly nod and say;

“Yeeeeesssss.”

(Now I know and like Mrs. Henson and I want to know what that yeeeeesss means, but before I can ask)

“The same thing happened to Mrs. Seymore.”

All three at once share a moderately shocked half-gasp.

(What? I still don’t know what happened to Mrs. Henson. Dammit, I am going to add something to this conversation if it kills me)

“They say it isn’t hereditary but I am not so sure.”

(What? What is hereditary? But suddenly there is a pause and before I know what is happening, I blurt out)

“Did you know that monkeys like to throw poo?”

The silence is deafening as all four of them stare at me with the same look they would give the guy at the gym with the wool hat who picks up the dirty towels. Thankfully, one shows mercy and turns to the other and asks;

“How much were the shoes at Nordies?”

Can I get a righteous hey nah nanny and a ha cha cha one time, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers?

Do me running and call me Betty, Slatticises and Nugglieosities.

My word, I just got worked, worked again, worked some more, worked a tad more and then got a hot steaming bowl of worked soup poured onto my big dumb head with a side of worked.

Went to Cardiff Reef and it was pumping pretty good. Should I or shouldn’t I? Dale would go*. Why not? Now, in retrospect, my first clue should have been that there were no other stand up bros but one and he was awesome. No problem, I will take the safe way out and paddle out on my stomach with the blade under my chest and handle forward.

Bit wave breaks, the white wash knocks me back. Keep paddling, it happens again. This time a bigger wave breaks and knocks me spinning. OK, this is harder than I thought it would be. Let’s try it on the knees where I can use the paddle. Knocked off and back. Now I am getting a little pissed and frustrated. Try the knees again. Knocked back but not off. Paddle hard. Whew, finally making progress. Big roller, no problem. Up and down without getting knocked off. Now I am ready to stand up. I hear a loud roaring noise. I look up and a huge wave out of nowhere crashes on my head.

Before I know what is happening I am a rag doll in the rinse cycle under water. My big-ass board hits me, I lose the paddle. Life is becoming very real very fast. I try to catch my breath, another wave whomps on top of me sending me under water again. Another wave munches me. In rapid succession, I worry about losing my paddle, then I worry about losing the board if the leash snaps like it did two weeks ago. Now I am washed back to where I can stand up. Another wave whomps me, I suck in some salt water and pop up coughing out water. Now I am worried about losing a lot more.

Time to bail. I sit on the board and ride in some white wash, stand up and carry it on the beach. All at once, I am exhausted, frustrated, dizzy, addle-minded, embarrassed and ashamed.

Did I quit? Oh hell no. I retreated a bit. Drove South to La Jolla Shores, saw it was a much friendlier, but still very powerful, break and headed out without any problems. Rode some good waves and had a blast. Washed that bad taste of defeat right out of my mouth.

If you ever need a quick lesson in hubris, take up a sport in the ocean. Just as soon as you start to think you might begin to kind of feel a little cocky, it will knock you right back into a state of serious respectfulness.

My knee is scraped and banged up with a big bruise, my hands are raw, my thumb hit the paddle and I thought I broke it, my neck has a crick in it that makes me walk like the hunchback of Notre Dame and I have a ton of salt water in my head up my nose and every muscle is spent.

And I couldn’t be happier.

Sung to the tune of Van Morrison’s “Baby Please Don’t Go.”

Got a big-ass board
Got a big-ass board
Got a big-ass board
Rode a wave up there
You know I love it so
Baby, Dale would go*

*Dale Webster has surfed a world record 10,470 consecutive days surfing for 28 years.

Let me look into the future: Yep, some Maggies and Sliders are in this here Gaucho’s future.

Chillax my broheims and Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

How hot is it?
It is so hot you could fry an egg on Iron Man’s ass.

It is so hot Iron Man had to wear his steel Bermuda shorts and tungsten tank top.

Not good
A substitute teacher in Texas was arrested because he showed up to school drunk; you don’t want your high school teachers drunk, they could end up sleeping with a really ugly student.

Good for them
California has cancelled the ban on gay marriage; what great news for Simon Cowell and Ryan Seacrest.

California has cancelled the ban on gay marriage; finally some good news for the Oakland Raiders.

Long fall
Olympic gold medal winning sprinter Tim Montgomery was sentenced to four years in prison for bouncing checks; from Olympic champion to convict, that’s the biggest fall you can make without being named Hillary Clinton.

How hot is it?
Man it is hot, I was sweating like the other horses in the Preakness besides Big Brown trotting past the Elmers corporate box.

Odd twist
Angelina Jolie is pregnant with twins. In an ironic twist, both Angelina’s babies are going to be adopted by a poor Asian couple.

First chink in the armor, Ted and Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

Much better deal
UPS has signed a marketing deal with Kentucky Derby winner Big Brown; this is a much better corporate deal than the one given to the horse named Elmers.

Whoa
On NBC’s New York local 4 news broadcast, co-anchor Sue Simmons dropped a live F-bomb. It was so shocking it knocked Jane Fonda right on her C-word.

Not good
Hillary Clinton’s campaign is in debt for $20 million, in fact, if Hillary’s campaign loses anymore money, they will have to legally change their name to NBC.

Yah
California has rejected the gay marriage ban. Asked to comment, Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger said; “Yah, now it is legal for guys to get married and put their Pinklewursts in their Düsseldorf’s.”

Options
On NBC’s New York local 4 news broadcast, co-anchor Sue Simmons dropped a live F-bomb. The bad news is Simmons could lose her job. The bright side is she can always be the New York Knicks color commentator.

Hillary’s cash flow
It is getting downright pathetic at Hillary Clinton’s campaign headquarters; they bounced a check to the dry cleaners so 50 of Hillary’s pants suits are being held as collateral.

It is getting downright pathetic at Hillary Clinton’s campaign; today, Bill Clinton flew into another red-faced rant when the iHop iIat manager who wouldn’t take their check.

To give you an idea how broke Hillary Clinton’s campaign is, today Bill Clinton’s credit card was denied at Hooters.

Hillary Clinton’s campaign is $24 mil in debt, she is losing super delegates and endorsements daily. Things haven’t looked this bad for Hillary since she walked in on Bill congratulating the winner of the White House Intern hot dog eating contest.

Uh, no Sir, that’s not, oh forget it
During a campaign stop, Barack Obama said he has campaigned in all 57 states; to which President Bush replied; “Heck, even I know there are only 53 states.”

Pet work peeves
“Time” magazine had an article on the top ten most annoying workplace habits. For example, repeatedly clicking your pen, bad breath, talking too loudly on the phone and the most annoying workplace habit? Using the copier to take pictures of Barbara Walters’s naked butt.

Babs getting’ some
Barbara Walters continues to push her surprisingly racy autobiography, “Audition.” Today, Barbara was on Regis and Kelly. Not the talk show, she was on Regis and Kelly.

Barbara Walters’s autobiography is surprisingly racy. Remember NBC journalist legend Edward R. Murrow’s sign off “Goodnight and Good Luck?” Thanks to Barbara, for a while it was “Goodnight and I got lucky.”

Slam it, jam it and bam it, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

Need the cash
“Iron Man” continues to destroy the box office. That’s good because they are going to need a lot of money when Iron Man gets sued for sexual harassment by Magnet Woman.

Careful
The post office unveiled its new Frank Sinatra stamp, but be careful with the Frank Sinatra stamp, it peels off, do not try to lick it, if you do try and lick the Frank Sinatra stamp, two teamsters will beat the crap out of you.

Oh, that guy
Former “Saturday Night Live” performer, Jimmy Fallon, will host NBC’s “Late Night” show when Conan O’Brien takes over “The Tonight Show”. I think the show is going to be called “Late Night with that guy who isn’t Adam Sandler.”

Easy advice
Jenna Bush got married over the weekend. It was touching, President Bush advised the nervous groom to just do on their honeymoon what Dick Cheney has been doing to the country for eight years.

Or something like that
In a letter to the “New York Times”, Democratic Icon George McGovern has urged that Hillary Clinton and Barack Obama join together. The name of McGovern’s letter is “Jungle Fever II.”

Whoa Babs
More wild stuff coming out of Barbara Walter’s autobiography “Audition.” For example, remember President Wilson? Apparently Barbara didn’t call him Woodrow for nothing.

Fierce times
“American Idol” is down to the final three, the “Sex and the City” movie opens in two weeks and “High School Musical 3” is coming out in the Fall; in short, this is the greatest time to be gay since “Make Me a Super Model” debuted.

No, not really
In a handwritten letter to be auctioned, Albert Einstein called the bible “Pretty childish.” Specifically the book in the old testament named Doo-doo-teronomy.

Kinda sorta
Is it just me or is Hillary Clinton starting to resemble the dinner guest who is still there when you are brushing your teeth and setting your alarm clock?

Who knew?
More stuff coming out of Barbara Walter’s autobiography “Audition.” In 1982, Barbara killed a hitchhiker in Winslow, Arizona just for his Members Only jacket.

Since you asked:
If you are looking for a great thing to do for a few nights, climb aboard Amazon.com and buy the “Lonesome Dove” DVD. It is so awesome. My lovely wife Virginia had to ask me to stop talking about how awesome it is when it started. Opening scene. Cut to: Two pigs fighting over a dead rattlesnake. Are you kidding me? How great is that?

The only slight negative is there are parts that drag. Especially the scenes with Anjelica Huston. Her character is way too hammy and she chews up a ton of scenery right when the action grinds to a crawl. But hang in there, the action always picks right back up again.

Warning: many, many tear-jerking moments. One that really grabbed me this viewing was when Gus (Robert Duval was amazing) was reading what Call (So was Tommy Lee Jones) wrote on Josh Deets’s (beautifully played by Danny Glover) grave marker. Gus stoically chokes up when he gets to the part that says;

“He was cheerful in all weathers. Never shirked a task. Splendid behavior.”

Dammit, now I gotta go get a tissue.

Thank you eternally “LD” author Larry McMurtry, and Robert Duvall’s portrayal of Gus McCrae for supplying me with the blue print on how to end up be a feisty ol’ gent.

More great Gus lines:

(When asked about Jake Spoon)
“Jake’s busy being Jake, it’s, it’s a full time job.”

(Playing poker with the boys)
“Get ready to shed a tear, girls.”

(When somebody comments about how old Deets’s hat is)
“Deets ain’t one to quit in a garment due to age.”

(Responding to Pee Eye declaration of never getting married and having kids)
“I’m sure it’s all part of God’s plan, Pee.”

(After Call laments that they should have shot sooner to save Deets)
“By God, Call, I can’t think of all things we should have done for that good man.”

(Riding off after the vintage scene in the San Antonio bar)
“Whacking a surly bartender ain’t much of a crime.”

(To Newt on why he quit being a waiter on a paddleboat)
"Well I was too young and pretty and the whores wouldn't let me alone."

We gonna jack that ‘tater and go yard out the ball park, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

Uh, no Sir, that’s not, oh forget it
Queen Elisabeth II’s granddaughter, Zara Phillips, qualified for the Beijing Olympics as an Equestrian. It was a little awkward, when he heard Queen Elisabeth’s granddaughter was an Equestrian, President Bush said; “Hey, Cheney’s daughter is one too. Nothing wrong with it.”

Kinda rough
Did everyone have a good mother’s day? It was a rough day for me. I read in Barbara Walter’s book “Audition” that Barbara was my real mother and she put me up for adoption.

Not nice
You know what is the best Mother’s Day present? Something homemade. The worst Mother’s Day Present? A card that says “Happy Mother’s Day, you owe me $40 for the gas to get here.”

Or something like that
A former crony of OJ Simpson has written a book that claims a stoned OJ confessed to the murders. I think the title of the book is; “Duh, We Already Know He Did It, Dumb-ass.”

Gosh, this won’t be too much of a problem
HBO’s NFL training camp show “Hard Knocks” will film the Dallas Cowboys in Oxnard, California; gosh, Terrell Owens with 24-hour-a-day access to unlimited camera time. What could possibly go wrong there?

Off key
Dallas Cowboy QB Tony Romo sang “Take me Out to the Ballgame” at the Chicago Cubs-Arizona Diamondback game. To give you an idea how bad Romo’s singing was, Simon Cowell was spinning in the coffin he sleeps in during the day.

No problem
First daughter Jenna Bush got married outdoors at the Bush Crawford Texas ranch Saturday. Now I know what you’re thinking, an outside wedding in Texas can be ruined by birds, right? Wrong, Dick Cheney shot them all.

Not easy
The Reverend Al Sharpton Jr. owes the IRS over a million-and-a-half dollars in back taxes; the challenging part for Al will be trying to prove that Uncle Sam is a racist.

Not a good sign
It is getting pathetically sad at the Hillary Clinton campaign. Hillary’s campaign workers are volunteering to go out for Starbucks and not coming back.

That explains it
Charlie Sheen is getting married for the third time; you know what this means? His credit card was declined.

Charlie Sheen is getting married for the third time; hey Charlie, my cell phone number is 858-701-9899. This isn’t a joke, I want to be invited to the bachelor party.

Since you asked:
Don't you just love it when celebrities go on talk shows, which I am pretty sure they comprehend people watch them on TV's at home, and don't talk about the one thing everyone wants them to talk about?

For example, Tony Romo goes into the booth at Wrigley Field after butchering "Take Me Out to the Ballgame" so badly it wasn't even laughable and not only doesn't he talk about what a crappy job he did singing, he refuses to mention Jessica Simpson. If Tony Romo does not have a football in his hands, dating Jessica Simpson is the only thing mildly interesting about him.

As the man might say it himself, I stand behind no man in my admiration of the David Letterman. But I will never, ever, understand his incessant need to suck up to Paris Hilton. Please, Dave, I am begging you, let that skank go away, for the love of decency.

We were out there getting’ it done, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

Mommy Dearest
Are you ready for Mother’s Day? Or as Pamela Anderson calls Mother’s Day: Guess Which Weird Dude is Daddy? Day.


Hillary’s final days
It is getting pathetically sad at the Hillary Clinton campaign. Hillary’s campaign workers are volunteering to go out for Starbucks and Krispy Kreme donuts and not coming back.


It is getting pathetically sad at the Hillary Clinton campaign. Today they burned all records and photographs and tomorrow they all retreat to the bunker.


It is getting pathetically sad at the Hillary Clinton campaign. Today Bill Clinton gave a red-faced rant to the operator at a 1-900 porn number.


Did you see that Bill Clinton was caught wiping a tear at a speech given by Hillary? You can’t blame Bill for being sad, now that he will have to come off the campaign trail he will have to pay for all his own hotel room porn.


It is getting pathetically sad at the Hillary Clinton campaign. Fundraisers continue to pretend to recruit for donors even though the phone lines have all been turned off.


It is getting pathetically sad at the Hillary Clinton campaign. Today the band at Hillary’s headquarters struck up “Nearer My God To Thee.”


Ahh, that’s nice
17-year-old Jamie Lynn Spears had her baby shower. It was nice, her sister Britney bought her a combination training bra and nursing bra.

Hillary Clinton’s campaign is said to be broke, and I think its true; to give you an idea how broke Hillary’s campaign is, Hillary asked Bill Clinton to ask one of his girlfriends to suck on a hose to siphon gas from a car into their tour bus.


“I am really normal for a bonkers movie star”
Did you see Oprah interview Tom Cruise at his house in Teluride Colorado? The house is beautiful, it’s rustic with real pine trees used in the electric fence that keeps Katie Holmes from escaping.

Saturday Morning Caffeine Fueled Rant:

What a glorious morning at La Jolla Shores on the UCSB Golden Yellow and Mediterranean Blue stand up paddleboard I have dubbed Groucho the Gaucho.

Two foot nicely formed waves. I hit the quatro on one wave: caught it, rode it, turned on it and paddled back out. Most were crash and burns but I am getting much better with my surfing. Pelicans were dive bombing for fish, I rode a wave with a Leopard shark and at one point the clouds/high fog separated giving us a “Cocoon” like sunburst over the water.

Now it is Cubs-Snakes game watching on the most glorious Hi Definition while multi-tasking napping. My patented drifting off just under the radar so that when the announcers voice gets excited I snap awake and don’t miss anything.

Tonight my other band, the Mitigators, jam at a 40-year-old birthday party. This is the band with the awesome female singer and a professional drummer. We kicked butt on a few numbers in rehearsal so I am excited. Specifically "Sympathy for the Devil" Either way it will be a blast.

Go out there and get her done, Slats and Gets.


Lex’s Newest Pet Peeves:

Listen, I understand first hand that working with snippy customers over the phone isn’t the most fun you can have and that the people answering customer service calls aren’t on a career path to the stars, but they should at least be able to take down a credit card number.

Friday I was desperately trying to throw money at my pay-as-I-go cell phone. After the phone honeymoon was over and I sent a bunch of immature and obscene text messages to my buddies, I really don’t use the phone that much so I just throw $50 at the account and make sure I use it all before the expiration date in a few months.

So I call and give some poor girl my credit card number. Now the card was American Express and my bill is current. When you give somebody your credit card number, they need to say something to let you know they are with you. This poor, dimwitted girl could not grasp that concept. So we went through the number three times with no success. Finally I said, OK tell me when you have it: 123, you got that? “Yah.” 4567, you got that? “Yah.” 890, you got that? “Yah.”

Very patiently, I said, “OK, now read it back to me. “1432576F980.” No lie, she had somehow put an F in there. Finally she just said the credit card was declined, which I knew was a lie. It took me three tries to find someone who could take down a credit card number correctly and put $50 on my phone.

Now I don’t want to say the name of the phone service company, but it rhymes with Florizan.

Oh, and douche-bag, worthless, dumb-ass, lame-as-they-possibly-can-be weekend warrior cyclists who insist on riding two and sometimes even three across. I have a road bike, I trained for mini triathlons, I know bike etiquette: RIDE SINGLE FILE YOU INCREDIBLY ANNOYING A-HOLES!

Whoa, easy Lex. Back off a sconch, throttle back and put a damper on it, big guy.

Put they are a-holes.

We may have to go nitro and drop us some funk bombs up in here, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers


Booked up
Lindsay Lohan’s mom, Dina Lohan, was voted mother-of-the-year by a group of Long Island Mothers; apparently Amy Winehouse’s mom was booked.

Shocking
Barbara Walters’s new biography has caused a stir; like the time she accidentally stumbled into ‘The View” dressing room of Rosie O’Donnell and caught Rosie getting steroids injected into her ass by Roger Clemens.

Putting the woo who in SDSU
There was a huge drug bust at San Diego State, including cocaine, Ecstasy and Marijuana; it was such a big drug bust, they will now have to rename the college San Diego Altered State.

There was a huge drug bust at San Diego State that involved six fraternities. The worst drug frat? Snoopa-chi Doggie-phi.


Bawa Wawa
Barbara Walters new biography is creating controversy; in her day, she got around. Barbara revealed she has a butt tattoo that says “Let’s Get Weady to Wumble”

Hoisting with the townies
The politicians are drinking with locals. Hillary Clinton did shots in Pennsylvania, Barack Obama had a beer in North Carolina, John McCain downed Metamucil in Miami.

A stand up guy
A New York congressman, Vito Fossella, said he fathered a child in an extramarital affair right after his arrest for drunk driving. Drunk driving and a child out-of-wedlock? Compared to the current and ex-governors in that area who are using drugs, hookers and having gay three-ways, this Vito guy is a family values icon.

Not since then
The Olympic torch was carried to the top of Mount Everest; this is the highest an Olympic torch carrier has ever been if you don’t count the time the torch went through San Diego State.

Two charges
Amy Winehouse was arrested in London for possession of illegal drugs; in addition, Winehouse faces the lesser charge of impersonating Marge Simpson.

Amy Winehouse was arrested in London for possession of illegal drugs; on the bright side, Winehouse was asked to be the commencement speaker at San Diego State.

So that is where she got it . . .
Despite all evidence that she is fighting a losing cause, despite everyone telling her there is no hope, despite all signs it’s over, Hillary Clinton is sticking with it. She got the idea from her marriage.

Weather playa
One of the male broadcasters on “The Weather Channel” was sued for sexual harassment by his female co-anchor; it seems he tried to put his Doppler radar into her troposphere.

Sad
To show how bad it is for Hillary Clinton, today Bill Clinton could only get the drive-through cashier at McDonalds to listen to his red-faced rant.

Good news, I guess . . .
Democratic icon super delegate George McGovern has switched from Hillary Clinton to Barack Obama; this is really good news for Obama if the election was in 1972.

What the homey hell is happenin’ up in this here, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers?

Ryan’s hair-don’t
Did you see “American Idol”? What the deal with Ryan Seacrest’s hair? I don’t want to say that little tuft sticking up in front was sissy-looking, but “Queer Eyes” Carson Kresley said; “Ryan, lose the poodle-do, dude.”

It was like the Sanjaya Faux Hawk starter kit.

He had that Martin Short character Ed Grimley-thing happening. Oh yeah, that will kill the gay rumors.

Did you see “American Idol”? What the hell was the deal with Ryan Seacrest’s hair? To give you an idea how bad it was, Ryan’s hair almost sobered up Paula Abdul.

And it hit the fan
In Iraq it is being reported that Shiites are attacking other Shiites. Yeah, apparently it is real Shiite storm.

In Iraq it is being reported that Shiites are attacking other Shiites. Some are wearing big boots to use in the attacks, or as they are called: Shiite kickers.

Whither Hillary
It’s not looking good for Hillary Clinton. Today Simon Cowell told her to pack her bags.

It’s not that Hillary Clinton is doing that bad, it’s just getting clearer and clearer she isn’t going to ever win the big one. As a result today Hillary was endorsed by the Chicago Cubs.

No problem
In “People” magazine’s Most Beautiful issue, “Dancing with the Stars” Miami Dolphin end Jason Taylor admitted he gets manicures, pedicures, facials, whitens his teeth and shaves his chest. Gosh, I don’t see how this could cause Jason a problem in an NFL locker room as long as he doesn’t mind hanging by his jockey shorts.


In “People” magazine’s Most Beautiful People issue, “Dancing with the Stars” Miami Dolphin end Jason Taylor admitted he gets manicures, pedicures, facials, whitens his teeth and shaves his chest. Brett Favre is spinning in his grave and he isn’t close to dead yet.


Since you asked:
And while we are on popular culture, can I just take a minute to give a huge, juicy “Lex Doesn’t Get It” to anything and everything about MTV’s “The Hills.”?

Not only do I not care why Lauren hates Heidi, and who that loser Spencer is, what little I do know about “The Hills” I cannot figure out why anyone else would care either. It is like a bad soap opera with worse writers. “The Hills” is almost – and this is a big almost – as much an indication our society is going down the toi-toi as Paris Hilton.

With so much good stuff to choose from like “30 Rock” and “Two and a Half Men”, and my boys, Jay, Dave, Conan, Jon and Craig, ESPN, the Discovery Channel, the Food Network, the History Channel, a billion movies in rotation on cable, and a few scant good reality shows like “American Idol” why on earth would anyone choose to not just kill their time watching “The Hills,” but bludgeon, dismember and disperse their time in dumpsters all over town?

And about “People” most beautiful issue? Yes, I got snubbed again. But did you notice no crazy bitches made it? No Paris Hilton, no Lindsay Lohan, no Naomi Campbell, no Britney Spears, no Nicole Richey, no Amy Winehouse. Crazy bitches be gone. Right on, “People.”

Oh, and she may be a little dim, and she talks about her gas problems far too much, but Jessica Simpson is just flat out hot.

One thing our culture is desperately in need of? Although I am a huge, huge fan of the Tina Fey, what we really need is another article on how Tina Fey manages her busy career and family. If I know the name of Tina’s Jamaican nanny, Jesse, as I do, than it is time to cool it.

And while we are on “Things Lex Doesn’t Get” can we add Queen Latifah? Sure, I get that she is big, black, brassy and sassy, but “People” 100 most beautiful? Please. And why does she continue to get choice movie roles after bomb after bomb after bomb? Has anyone ever said; “Oh, let’s go see this movie, Queen Latifah is in it”? No. (If you tell me "Posh, posh, Lexie, Q.L. was simply fierce in "Chicago" I swear I will have to come up there and you don't want that)

And here is a rhetorical question: Oh sweet goddess nectar Vodka, why dos thou have to be such a vindictive and mean-spirited whore?

One of the greatest and easiest things in the world to make is the Greek salad. When grilling lamb or garlic marinated chicken, chop up cucumbers, slice tomatoes, Greek pitted Kalamatta olives, diced red onion, crumble in Feta cheese, light slather of olive oil and even lighter slather of balsamic vinegar, dust with garlic powder, pepper and sea salt, and stir.

Trust me, the Feta cheese and the oil and the balsamic and the juices from the tomatoes and cucumbers all gloriously merge to make this incredible brown sauce that you mop up with a piece of pita bread.

Mmm, mmm, mmm.