Tuesday, November 13, 2018

Wally Saskatoons and the Barnyard Bag Pipers, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers 

Donald Trump blamed missing the misty cemetery ceremony on his Secret Service. The Secret Service said he was lying.

Donald Trump does not have an honest bone in his porn star's body.  

Melania Trump wants NSA top assistant, Mira Ricardel, fired. And Eric Trump wants Ricky Ricardo fired.

Apparently Melania wants Ricardel fired after a hissy fit Melania threw about a seat on a plane. Well that is certainly worth altering our National Security Agency positions

Donald Trump blamed missing the misty memorial service in France on the Secret Service. Today the Secret Service changed Trump's codename to Toadstool Sugar Panties.

The ultimate Donald Trump dilemma: seeing a pussy he wants to grab out in the rain.

Ohio police were led on a high-speed chase by an 11-year-old boy who stole his parents car because they took away his Playstation. Police have no choice but to extradite the boy and his family to Florida.

Saturday, November 10, 2018

The Rolling Stones Feat Lisa Fischer - Gimme Shelter


One of the trainers who worked at his farm, The Meadow, described Secretariat - whose name was really Big Red, Secretariat was just his race name - like this:

“Just imagine the greatest athlete in the world. The greatest. Now make him six-foot-three, the perfect height. Make him real intelligent and kind. And on top of that, make him the best-lookin’ guy ever to come down the pike. He was all those things as a horse. He isn’t even a horse anymore. He’s a legend.” 

The rumors of Secretariat’s failings as a stud were viciously wrong. He was nearly as successful at breeding as he was on the track. He made a fortune for his owners. But it wasn’t anything about the money that made all who knew him inconsolable when he died. 

They loved Big Red as much as anyone can love anyone else.

Secretariat wasn’t just the greatest race horse ever. He was the greatest athlete ever. Period.

Friday, November 09, 2018

In the Panther's 52-21 loss to the Steelers, Carolina's Kyle Love fell asleep on the sideline. Love will be fined $5,000 and charged with impersonating a Cleveland Brown.

What did Love think it was, a baseball game? 

“Don’t wake him up. He’s the only son-of-a-bitch around here who knows what he is doing.” Gen. George S. Patton. 

Last week, a woman in Australia gave birth to a twelve and a half pound baby boy with no painkillers. And apparently she named the baby Ahhhhhhhhhhhh.

Donald Trump Jr. is telling his friends he is afraid he will be indicted by Mueller soon. That is shocking. Don Jr. has friends?

Thursday, November 08, 2018

That is a Whip-Jinny and a Hay Nah Nanny and a Who Cha Cha, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers 

Who the hell is this Sarah Huckabee Sanders Starter Kit yanking the mic from Jim Acosta? 


Pete Davidson is in trouble after joke compared wounded Navy Seal, Ben Crenshaw, to a hitman in a porn movie.

What kind of porn is Davidson watching that features hit men with eyepatches? "Butt-Pirates of the Caribbean"?

Donald Trump continues to gloat despite suffering an ignominious defeat in the House. Trump is like that guy who brags about getting laid after he hired a hooker.

Tiny Jeff Sessions may be replaced at Atty. Gen. by not-so-tiny Chris Christie. 

This could be the biggest weight change in politics since 350-pound President William Howard Taft got stuck in his bathtub.

23 of the 30 candidates Donald Trump endorsed lost. Donald Trump just threw a Hail Mary interception and is now bragging to his teammates how they don't have to punt.

Since you asked:

Thousand Oaks used to be part of my sales territory in 1982 when I graduated from college and sold business computers. 

Thousand Oaks is to the South of Santa Barbara over the giant mountain pass from Oxnard and, in the summer, it is hot. When I started working there, there was a new wealthy area around Westlake Village. Besides that there were a lot of middle-class tract homes.

There is also a huge civic center and municipal center on top of the hill to the east of the 101.  

But over the hill into the valley there were tranquil farmlands that looked like something out of the turn of the century in Colorado. Rolling green hills, red barns and weeping willows.

The movie history is rich. “Robin Hood” with Errol Flynn was filmed there. “MASH” and also “The Postman Always Rings Twice” among many others. “Robin Hood” is why the swanky country club is named Sherwood Country Club. Its members and surrounding mansion owners include Wayne Gretzky, Michael Jordan and Mel Gibson.

The swanky wedding scene in "Bridesmaids" was filmed at the Sherwood Country Club. 

Westerns filmed there include "Bonanza," "The Big Valley" and "Gunsmoke." Movies include "Spartacus," "Thelma and Louise" and "It Happened One Night." And "Dukes of Hazard."  

"Lassie Come Home" was filmed there, for the love of god.

The Dallas Cowboys trained there before the season at Cal Lutheran College. Here is a great trivia fact of Thousand Oaks: It was a country music enclave in the early Seventies that included Delany and Bonnie Bramlett when Eric Clapton lived with them.

Thousand Oaks is just North of Calabasas where the Kardashian McMansions are.  

There is a real hippy/ cowboy element because of the ranches to the East. It was sort of Topanga Canyon South - Topanga Canyon is where many rock stars bought their first ranches, including the Neils, Young and Diamond. Thousand Oaks was cheaper than Topanga Canyon. Which in the Seventies was still pretty cheap. 

Beautiful hippy actress Shailene Woodley grew up there and, in my mind, looks just like most of the hippy/cowboy/suburban young women who live there. 

My point is Thousand Oaks is one of the last places on earth I would pick for something as grotesque as a mass shooting. The closest thing to crime is a soccer mom screaming at a ref. A BMW cutting you off to take your parking spot. 

So if you’re still laboring under the misconception you and your loved ones are safe from a mass shooting due to the fact you don’t live in gun-happy Southern and Southwestern state, you’re kidding yourself. 

Dah Alleged Perpetrators 

One of the great sources of unintended comedy in my youth - in the late Sixties in Chicago - was when the local news crew would interview a Chicago policeman at the scene of a crime.

This was a few years before these interviews got so embarrassing for police brass that they came up with the idea of hiring spokespeople. Before that, they just interviewed the cops on the scene.

The demographic for Chicago policeman circa 1968 focused on tough guys from the neighborhoods. Most were Irish and Polish with a few Italians tossed in. Education was not a priority. 

Chicago police were world-renowned for their toughness. Their eloquentness? Not so much. Like I mentioned, they were famous for being neighborhood tough guys who were so tough the other neighborhood tough guys were scared of them. A degree in public speaking was not a requirement.

On camera, the cops would freeze like a deer in the headlights in abject stage freight trying to come up with as many polysyllabic, official and legal sounding police terms as they could fit in. Often making up words on the spot. All with a double-thick "Dah Bearssss" Chicago accent.  

The word alleged and variations of the word perpetrator were used ad nausea. 

In a trembling but loud monotone, they would usually start with a long, “Uhhhhhhhhhhh,” and then launch into their summary:

“Uhhhhhhhh, upon dah said arrival at dah said alleged crime scene, it was pontificated by obsertifying officers, in 'dis case being myself, officer Bukowlich and my partner, officer Kawalsky, said unknownst alleged perperatrators had partaken to bust into said domicile. Assumahbably,  uh, I mean allegedly for the intention of alleged confiscating of said stereo system and said television device box.”

Taking a moment to wipe the flop sweat from his brow and drawing a deep breath to try and summon the energy to continue, officer Bukowlich would push on,

“Upon immediate circumvention of dah said occurrences, we concluded the alleged perpatrators who had alleged perpetrated this perpatruacity then fled dah aforementioned alleged busted-in domicile location with decided haste. Uhhhhh, said TV and said stereo in 'dah perpetrator's possessioness thereof. Allegedly.”

When they were finished, they could not contain their relief and sense of overwhelming pride at having conducted themselves in such an impressive and loquacious manner.

A few of us got pretty good at imitating these hilarious interviews on the Crow Island Elementary school playground, namely Howie Detmer, Bill Schultz, Rob Crowe, Steve Lewis and Jeff Lipe. 


Friday, November 02, 2018

Google's employees staged a walkout over sexual misconduct by executives. 

But they quickly returned to their offices when the Google employees learned there is no free artisan coffee, gluten-free baked goods, bean bag chairs and massages in the real world.


In New York, Alec Baldwin was arrested for punching someone in the face over a parking spot.  

OK, Alec, maybe time to tone down the method acting on your Trump impersonation.


Google's employees staged a walkout over sexual misconduct by executives. It also set a world record for most inhalers used in a one-block walk.


Because Boston's Mookie Betts stole a base in the World Series, yesterday everyone got a free taco from Taco Bell.

And because of Dodger Manny Machado's play in the World Series, for limited time, Taco Bell will let everyone choke on a chalupa.


All off Google's employees staged a walk-out in protest of their executives' sexual harassment. 

The unofficial nickname of the Google walk-out is: Dorkapalooza.

After a brief two-block march, many of the Google employees had to be treated for sunstroke and exhaustion.


Ariana Grande is upset about Pete Davidson's "SNL" engagement joke.

Ariana Grande's last name signifies how much of a pain-in-the-ass she is.


We had a trick-or-treater come to our house today dressed as Kellyanne Conway. When I asked her why she was two days late, she said the date was an alternative fact.


Among other issues, Google's employees walked out over pay discrepancies. That's right. They're accusing Google of being frugal. 


In just six hours in Cairo, Melania Trump rang up a $95,000 hotel bill. On the bright side, she was named an honorary Jacksonville Jaguar.

Since you asked:

We gave away our leftover Halloween candy. Right now, I would commit a Newark crack-whore sex-act for a Snickers bar.

Wednesday, October 31, 2018

Today on Halloween four kids came to our door dressed as Jacksonville Jaguars. 

They gave us a bar tab for $64,170 and then ran away.

It is that magical time of Fall when Donald Trump orders his maid to hand out the dinner mints he stole from a restaurant out to kids for Halloween.

Tuesday, October 30, 2018

Ben & Jerry's launched a Donald Trump-inspired ice cream. 

I think it's called Chunky Honkey.

With the Donald Trump ice cream, you gorge it all down in one sitting, step on the scale and shout, "Fake news." 

For the first time ever Sunday, five major-league sports teams, 2 NBA, MLS, NFL, MLB, all played on the same day in the same city, Los Angeles.

But that is only if you count what the Dodgers did as playing.


In London on Saturday at 3:00 AM, three Jacksonville Jaguars players were arrested for running out on a $64,170 bar tab. 

The next day, those three Jaguars players had to undergo hangover-protocol.


L.A. Dodger Manny Machado, who went 0-5 and struck out falling down in the last game of the World Series, is a free agent.

Machado is the perfect addition for any team looking for a player to hit 385-foot singles.


The Raiders have been fined $20,000 for violating the league’s injury reporting policy. 

Or as the Jaguars call $20,000, less than one third of Happy Hour.

In London on Saturday at 3:00 AM, three Jacksonville Jaguars players were arrested for running out on a $64,170 bar tab. 

"Wow, that is a lot of money for a bar tab," I said of the $170 after the $64,000.

The Starkist tuna company has been fined $100 million for price-fixing and collusion.

In addition, Starkist has to explain their creepy commercials with a tuna named Charlie who desperately wants to be hooked, gutted, canned and eaten.    

Since you asked:

Speaking of tuna. 

Donald Trump is a master of the dead tuna toss. When you do not like the way the meeting's conversation is going, you toss a tuna on the table and everyone will talk about the tuna. I.e. birthright citizenship.

But one would think, after there are 30 stinking dead tunas on the table, somebody might, sooner or later, steer the conversation to the crazy idiot who keeps throwing tunas on the table. 

Cop: "Did you not see the stop sign back there?"

Me: "Robert Mueller raped me."

Cop: "Wha, huh?"

Monday, October 29, 2018

After Boston beat L.A. 4-1 in the World Series, Red Sox Steve Pearce was obscenely heckled by a shirtless psycho. But at least this time Manny Machado did not stomp on his foot.

The only good news for the Dodgers is they did not ask Fergie to sing the National Anthem. 


Since you asked:

Have this reoccurring dream where I am in a high-tech writing commune with gyms, bars, restaurants, shops and apartments. I am supposed to be contributing to some studio's script, but I am not sure what the story is and I am afraid to ask for fear of getting fired for not knowing. (The anxiety aspect of the dream) 

In the course of perusing this hip scene, I come across mostly old college friends.  

As it gets later and more festive, it slowly turns from utopian to dystopian crowded with unruly drunken psychos. Fights breaking out, barking dogs, bottles smashing, police helicopters with search lights, screams and sirens in the distance. 

Think it is a mental composite of my move from Santa Barbara to New York.

Friday, October 26, 2018

Who does Cesar Sayoc Jr. Remind me of? That's right, Joe Pesci's David Ferrie in "JFK." 

Thursday, October 25, 2018

Tuchus McGoose is on the loose, he's full of juice and this ain't no ruse, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

Megyn Kelly has hinted she would like to return to "Fox News."  "Fox News," is going along and putting on a supportive blackface.


Do you remember back when one of the greatest journalists, Bob Woodward, wrote a book that ended with Donald Trump's lawyer saying Trump is not capable of telling the truth?

Those were simpler times.

It is not believable anyone from Florida could be stupid enough to mail dud bombs to famous democrats.


"Florida man arrested for chasing liquor store customers with an alligator under his arm."

Oh. Right.

Comedy tip #326:

There is no joke you cannot make funnier by ending the punchline with a squeeze of your crotch and making a loud clown-horn honking noise.


Donald Trump tweeted a denial of a story he still uses his unsecured iPhone while on his unsecured iPhone.

That is like a child denying he put his hand in the cookie jar while his hand is stuck in the cookie jar.


To say Megyn Kelly's show was cancelled due to her black-face comments is like saying the Titanic sank because of a lousy midnight buffet.

Nobody was hurt, but a vintage Nazi plane crashed on the freeway near the Kardashian's homes.

It is official, Kanye West has too much money and time on his hands.

Donald Trump blamed the media for the bombs sent to his enemies. Trump is the guy who farts in the car and blames a dead skunk in the road.

Fresno man burned down a house using a blowtorch to kill spiders. 

This officially lets John Smoltz off the hook. He missed pitching a Braves game due to chest burns from ironing a shirt he was wearing.

Presidents respond to a crisis: 

"Four score and seven years ago..." - Lincoln

"We have nothing to fear but fear itself." - FDR

"The people who knocked these buildings down will hear all of us soon."  - GWB

"Mainstream media must clean up its act. FAST." - Trump


This is the first World Series in memory to feature a Joc, Mookie and Kike.

Four words: Chipotle Guacamole For Everyone. Oh, and a private jet. 


After much anticipation of a character getting killed off, "Modern Family" revealed it was DeDe, Jay's ex and Mitchell and Claire's mom.  

Not exactly J.R. getting shot, now was it?

A Fresno man said he burned down a house using a blow torch to kill black widow spiders. 

He's in trouble now, the accepted colloquialism is African American Marriage-Survivior Spiders.

"Why did we think this drivel would be of any use?"

- Russians to Chinese listening in on Trump's unsecured iPhone.