Monday, July 28, 2014

Wild Horses - The Rolling Stones 1995

Let's do some living, after we'll die, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

Apparently it is not possible for the human brain - at least my brain, anyway - to remember how beautiful Santa Barbara is when you return. Wonderful weekend with and at the wonderful Wopats with my cherished Sam Adams/UCSB track friends. 

Scientist say California is having its worst drought in 500 years; it is so dry, the San Diego Padres are choking off the field too.

Hostess is bringing back the chocolate-covered Twinkie and Lays now has chocolate-covered potato chips.  To which stoners responded by inventing the chocolate-covered bong.

In San Diego, the Comic Con concluded peacefully. Thank goodness there was no nerd- on- nerd crime like the year the one Trekkie threw a Hot Pocket at a Star Warrior.

Toronto Mayor Rob Ford broke his little toe while working out. Amazing. The last time Ford worked out was 20 years ago which is also the last time he saw his little toe.

Since you asked:

Had so much fun in Santa Barbara with my good friends, I actually had a blast playing golf. But by the 16th hole on a hot day, I was all-in. When my buddy Mark O’ asked;
“Hey, Lex, what did you have on the last hole?” I replied:


Wednesday, July 23, 2014

 “Comic Con” begins in San Diego on Thursday, so get your computers and internet servers fixed now.

“Comic Con” begins in San Diego on Thursday. It is the only time of the year where hookers are hired to play Dungeons and Dragons.

Commenting on the downing of the MH17 flight, a US official said there won’t be a Perry Mason moment where the shooter is revealed. This just in: that US official is very, very old.

Commenting on the downing of the MH17 flight, a US official said there won’t be a Perry Mason moment where the shooter is revealed. That official then left to buy a single from that new band called “The Beatles” to play on his phonograph.

A study from UC San Diego claims dogs get jealous. In a related story, upon hearing of this dog jealousy study, parents paying tuition at UC San Diego are pissed off.

Random Randoms:

All the stink about Tony Dungy saying he wouldn't draft Michael Sam due to all the distractions that would surround the first openly gay NFL player?
Sam was the seventh from last player drafted at 249 in the seventh round. Not positive, but I think I was the 250th player taken in the draft. Plus there are a ton of walk-ons. His chance of making the Rams is small. Yes, he was a great SEC player, but, like Tim Tebow, his skills simply do not fit the NFL. Slow forty and only weighs 240. Falls between the cracks. 
Personally, I hope Sam makes it. He seems like a great guy and it would be interesting. 

The official signature move for a-holes is tail-gating. (driving-too close kind, not partying before a game) 

How do people at baseball games who wave to the camera while on their cell phones not know they look like utter tools? 

Here is the thing about the Tour De France and the World Cup. They are just too European for Americans. 

For soccer - yes, we call it soccer, get used to it - flopping, crying, hugging, writhing on the stretcher only to hop off and run back in the game. Single names. Borrowed players. Friendlies. Ads on the jersies, calling the jersies kits. Boots? Kits and Boots should be a cat food. 

As for the Tour De France, the scheming, the in-fighting, the picking the winner. How about this? You all just get on your bikes and pedal as fast as you can. Whoever gets to Paris and the finish line first wins. Deal? 

Can we put a moratorium on finger quotes for at least a month? And saying really too much. Really? Do we have to use really this much? 

Dear Contestants of "Chopped":

Love that you have all those tattoos. Love that you're playing for your partner. Love that you are ten years clean and sober. Love that you like to use organic, sustainble, bio-dynamic, seasonal products. Sorry your loved one died last year. Love that you incorporate science in your cooking and that you like to think outside the box. Yes, I get that the 20 minutes during the appetizer round went really fast. 

But for the love of decency, USE ALL OF THE PRODUCTS IN THE DAMN BOX. If there are four, write down the number four and then ask yourself: "Are the four things they gave me in my dish?" 

Tuesday, July 22, 2014

All Hail "The League" Rafi

Get your programs, here. You can't tell the players  without a program . . . 

Monday, July 21, 2014

Huge fan of the James Garner. Like Clint Eastwood and Fess Parker, he always struck me as a consumate California man. He always looked like he had just gotten done with playing Pebble Beach and was about to order a big juicy steak and a cold martini. 

Sunday, July 20, 2014

And we are feeling sorry for this guy . . . why?



Has anyone ever seen Leighton Meester and Minka Kelly in the same room at the same time?

Friday, July 18, 2014

Does your company have a comedy-writer consultant? No? Well it should. 

Varying entities like Virgin Airways, Vitamin Water, Weber Grills, the CIA and Al Gore have hired comedy writers. Yes, Al Freaking Gore. Do you really want your company to seem to have less of a sense of humor than the CIA or Al Gore?
The world’s sense of humor has not caught up with its technology. The CIA has a comedy writer posting their tweets. With more and more influence given to social media, your company’s image has never been more visible in more different ways.

Here is the CIA's first tweet:

"We can neither confirm nor deny this is our first tweet."

Now, I can neither confirm nor deny I am the comedy writer producing that tweet. Just like I can neither confirm nor deny I was the special forces operative who shot Osama bin Laden. 
But I can say is you,  like the CIA, need a comedy consultant to write tweets, post on Facebook and write funny and current e-mails. 

Why have boring boiler-plate, legal drivel on your products when you could give your customers a smile? You can give the same necessary instructions, only funnier. 

If you’re serious about boosting your firm’s image with humor: