Wednesday, February 10, 2016

Kanye West announces new album, T.L.O.P. stands for "The Life of Pablo." And to think I had my money on T.L.O.P. standing for Two Lubed, Obnoxious Pinkies."
Chris Christie has dropped off of the presidential race. “Oh, thank god, my back was killing me,” said the presidential race. 

Is it just me or is Donald Trump that weird kid your mom insisted you invite to your birthday party and then he wins all the prizes? 

Since you asked:

Just found out that, while undergoing hypothermia, there is a real condition called paradoxical undressing. That is when you become so disoriented from the cold, you feel like you have to strip your clothes off. 

Paradoxical Undressing is my new band.  

Led Zeppelin is being sued for stealing the guitar introduction to “Stairway to Heaven.” You know who really wrote it? Amy Schumer.

Many questions surrounding the aging Peyton Manning For example: is he finally going to get an underwear commercial? Depends. 

Chris Christie has dropped out of the presidential race. The presidential race then flies up in the air and lands with a crash. 

Rumor has it, Kim Kardashian has kicked Kanye West out of their house. Wonder if Amber Rose will show Kanye how to sneak in the back door?

Kanye West took to Twitter to proclaim: “Bill Cosby is Innocent.” Clearly Kanye also likes to have his head up his ass. 

In snowy New Hampshire, Jeb Bush threw a snowball at an NBC reporter. On the bright side, Jeb finally made contact with a voter. 

Because of a worsening political climate Somali, pirating may increase. They target oil tankers and the pirates want to sell it to Arrrrrrrco. 

Kanye West has finally named his album T.L.O.P. and we have to figure out what it means. I am going for: Two Lost Obnoxious Pinkies.

A study in Sussex, England, claims horses can read human facial expressions. Horses can tell of you’re happy, sad, and if you’re Camilla Parker Bowles, they say; “Damn, she looks like me.” 
(Thanks, B.S.)

Since you asked:

Did not see Donald Trump winning big in New Hampshire. 

Most telling factor is, during an exit poll, 2 out 3 New Hampshire voters said they agreed with banning Muslims. Clearly New Hampshire is more of a red state than we thought. 

So I think, as much as the press hates to admit it, Trump’s faux tough-guy; “I would bring back a hell of a lot worse than water-boarding” and "Ted Cruz is a pussy" statements got traction with New Hampshire's closet right-wing, anti-government types. 

If Hillary wants to win - and we all know if there is one thing Hillary wants, it is to win - she has to stop chasing the left. Bernie Sanders has won the left. Period. Hillary needs to go almost Trump-like for the middle. That may be too needy and hypocritical even for "lifelong Cubs fan who shamelessly wore a Mets and Yankee hat" Hillary.  

It will be especially tough for Hillary to act tough on terrorism, which the middle and right eat up with a spoon. Hillary has been carrying the "Our biggest worry is Islamophobia" banner of the left for too long. Words cannot explain how little the middle cares about Islamophobia while not agreeing with Trump's banning of all Muslims either. 

And the war on terrorism will be fought by our military. Hillary has secretly despised our military her entire political life. That nasty, nasty secret will catch up to her. 

Oh, and a tragedy called Benghazi. Hillary lied about it, emailed about it on her private email and then deleted those emails. But as far as I know, unlike her haters have accused, Hillary did not email instructions to the terrorists on how to get into the compound. So she has that much going for her. 

On the bright side for Hillary, Carly Fiorina just dropped out and Hillary will pick up those votes. These are voters who only want to vote for a woman, democrat or republican, it does not matter. 

So, again, unless Hillary dives headlong after the middle, her race is over. And I would hate to see her race end. And not just as a comedy writer. Hate her or not, Hillary is a qualified candidate. Those Clintons have more lives, brains and tricks than most. Hillary will need all of them to stay alive.

As the race slogs on and gets uglier and uglier, I have to believe Cruz, Rubio and Bush will have no choice but to sling the mud on Trump that are the endless stories of Trump's lying, cheating and stealing  against fellow republicans in business deals. In short, Trump committing right-wing financial fratricide. 

(How am I not getting paid for these pearls?) 

It bears repeating, Donald Trump is such a world-class douche that he got fired from his own wildly profitable TV show.  He was fired by an industry - called entertainment - that is famous for putting up with anyone who makes money. Even Bill Cosby. 

Donald Trump has to have more ghosts in his closet than Ebenezer Scrooge could imagine. 

Oh, it is a ponderous chain.

Shock Top Wedge: “Hey, TJ, you look like a deranged hipster chipmunk.”

TJ: “You look like The Last of the Mohican Bro' Garnishes.”

STW: “What does T.J. stand for? Talent Jonesing? ” 

TJ: “You do know cocaine is illegal even for wise-ass beer taps?” 

STW: “I like the way your voice makes me feel good about being sober.”

TJ: “Have orange slices not gotten the word wearing sunglasses inside makes you a douche?” 

STW: "Isn't it time to Febreze your beard?" 

TJ: "So what hurt more, getting sliced or having Amber Rose stick you on that beer tap?" 

STW: "Which of your leading men do you have a bigger crush on, Paul Rudd or Ryan Reynolds?" 

Tuesday, February 09, 2016

Donald Trump called Ted Cruz a pussy. It reminds me of John F. Kennedy’s inaugural address when he said; “Ask not what your country can do for you, you pussy.”

Donald Trump called Ted Cruz a pussy. Not exactly the Lincoln-Douglass debate, is it? 

Did Cam Newton have a bad Super Bowl? Did Amber Rose have to wash her hands after a date with Kanye West? 

Since you asked:

When I was a kid there were certain movies and TV shows that took place in magical places. 

“The Adventures of Robin Hood” was in this bright, hilly gorgeous enchanted forrest in England, I assumed. No, it was in Thousand Oaks where the Sherwood Country Club is now. 

The woods where Mingo and Daniel Boone fought off war parties was in my gorgeous birthplace of Kentucky. No, it was Big Bear, outside of Los Angeles. 

John Wayne’s Westerns were filmed in Arizona and Colorado, right? Nope, near Bishop, the last town before you get to Mammoth.

But it was always bright and sunny, just like the weather during Super Bowl 50. 75, dry but florid, with a slight breeze and the whiff of the ocean and an oak fire burning in the distance. Then the sun sets and the temperature drops to a magical sleeping potion.

Thanks to “Requiem of  a Dream,” I never have to watch another depressing movie in my life. Holy crap, this made “Leaving Las Vegas” seem like “The Hangover.” 

Great cast - I am a huge Jennifer Connelly and Jared Leto fan - good writing, and so many wild and quick and cool shots that I am sure make film critics and film majors eyes roll back in their heads. 

But it wasn’t even the kind of depressing that makes you think “Well at least I feel better about my life.” No, this was the kind of depressing that makes you wonder if anything is worth living for. 

Who makes a movie like this and why? 
Adidas is offering $1 mil. for breaking the world record in the 40-yard-dash. That’s easy. Drop a fumble by Cam Newton’s feet, he’ll break the record. 

Did you know that yesterday was “National Working Naked Day”? That makes today National Febreze the office chairs day.

Adidas is offering $1 mil. to any prospect who sets the world record in the 40-yard-dash. That’s easy. Have Johnny Manziel run and put a margarita machine at the finish line. 

Kanye West took to Twitter to proclaim: “Bill Cosby is Innocent.” Not sure Kanye’s input on sexual matters is credible, but I can’t put my fingers on why. 

Spanking Dagmar is my new band, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

And the disclosure that Cam Newton was hurt in the Super Bowl will happen in four . . . three . . . two . . . 

Did Cam Newton have a bad Super Bowl? Did Amber Rose have to wash her hands after a date with Kanye West? 

A man threw an alligator into a Wendy’s drive-through window. As a result he was named Florida Citizen of the Month. 

Donald Trump quoted an audience member in calling Ted Cruz a pussy. Upon hearing that, the fur on that thing on Trump’s head stood up. 

“Sports Illustrated’s” swimsuit edition is coming soon. With “Playboy” no longer featuring nude women and “Penthouse” not making a magazine, “Sports Illustrated’s” swimsuit edition will send more teenage boys to the bathroom than Taco Bell and Chipotle combined. 

The NFL announced it will ban any prospect from the player combine who are charged with sexual assault, domestic violence or weapons charges. This just in: the NFL has cancelled their player combine.

Budweiser is denying they paid Peyton Manning to say their name during his post-game interview. Although I am not sure. Peyton rode back to the team hotel on a Clydesdale.

Before the Super Bowl, who would have guessed Lady Gaga’s makeup artist would put on a gutsier performance than Cam Newton? But her eyelids did boldly match her sparkly red dress.

Super Bowl viewers were scared by Mountain Dew’s commercial featuring a puppy-monkey-baby. It proves combining three good things doesn’t always work. A lesson I learned the hard way from  my horseradish, maple syrup and caviar ice cream. 

Monday, February 08, 2016

Many Super Bowl viewers said Mountain Dew’s Puppy-Monkey-Baby commercial was scary. Proving that combining three good things does not make something better. A lesson I learned the hard way with my oyster, mustard and chocolate omelette. 

Former President, Bill Clinton, unleashed a scathing attack of Bernie Sanders. Clinton rubbed Sanders rawer than a shag carpet burn on an intern’s knees.  

Last year, Tom Brady gave his Super Bowl MVP truck to the player who won the game for them, safety Malcolm Butler. So is Von Miller giving his truck to Cam Newton or Doritos? 

Since you asked:

Many sports writers are complaining Cam Newton was a sore loser after the Super Bowl. The guy is 26. When I was 26 I was trying to decide whether to use all my remaining money to do the laundry or buy beer. No, I’m lying. I bought beer. 

You can forever count me as a fan of Cam Newton. He won the MVP by a deserved landslide.  He has fun - when he's winning - and he gives balls to little kids. 

But Cam had a crappy game. Yes, the Denver Defense helped him have a crappy game, but 18 of 41 and a passer rating of 55.4 and three awful turnovers, not to mention a fumble he did not try for. And it was horribly lame the way Cam pouted at the press conference and walked out on the press. 

If Cam does not want to look like the endless list of spoiled rotten and entitled celebrities who love getting great tables at restaurants and receiving $200,000 worth of Oscar gift bags, but get a poopy diaper anytime someone takes their picture or asks for an autograph, then he needs some PR work. 

Lex's Post Suprah-rah Bow-rah-lew-rah rants, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

After winning the Super Bowl, Peyton Manning kissed Papa John and shilled Budweiser. All he did not do was sing to the tune of the Nationwide jingle: “I am going to Disneyland.”

Cam Newton has been criticized for ending his pouty, post-Super Bowl press conference early. He didn’t end it early. Someone fumbled a football and Cam jumped away. 

To give you and idea how bad a game Carolina Panther, Michael Oher, had, if they remade “Blindside” it would be a horror film. 

You know a Super Bowl was not played well on offense when one of the gutsiest performance came from somebody named Lady. 

Cam Newton is being criticized for not diving for a fumble. Not his fault. In honor of Coldplay's halftime, Cam decided to have a conscience uncoupling of the football. 


Rumor has it that, after Kanye’s Twitter pinky-in-the-butt-feud with his ex, Amber Rose, Kim has kicked Kanye out of the house. No word on if Kanye snuck back in through the backdoor. 

Jeb Bush brought a New Hampshire crowd to its feet by calling Donald Trump a loser. No word yet on if Trump plans to retaliate with the vaunted; “I know you are, but what am I?” defense. 

Since you asked:

Before the Super Bowl, I wanted both Cam Newton and Peyton Manning to have gutsy, brave games and exude a lot of class. But I wanted Peyton to win. 

Only one of those things happened. 

Anyone on the Carolina Panthers can spin it any way they want: Cam Newton was clearly nervous as hell - and who can blame him? What were you doing when you were 26? - but he dove away from that fumble like he dove away from the responsibility of talking to the press afterwards. 

As for the real winners of the Super Bowl, I am not a Coldplay fan, but I am a Lady Gaga, Bruno Mars and Beyonce fan. Nothing has changed. Lady Gaga knocked it out of the park. 

The Denver Bronco defense was amazing. Von Miller deserved the MVP. Nothing else was. Well, maybe Lady Gaga, Bruno Mars and Beyonce, in that order. 

After the Super Bowl, both Cam Newton and Peyton Manning were what they were:  Cam is an exuberant and wildly talented but spoiled 26-year-old brat, and Peyton is a former great player whose body has given out and all he wants to do now is shill products. 

Even his own brother, Eli, could not be happy for Peyton following that performance. 

Sunday, February 07, 2016

Gronk being Gronk is Gronkier than a Gronkified Gronky-thang

Look out, everybody, it's a SUP surfing' dawwwwg

This Super Bowl 50 dropped the Roman Numerals. The only place you’re going to still see Roman Numerals is on Peyton Manning’s birth certificate.

Saturday, February 06, 2016

One of my UCSB decathlon snake brother’s son, Marc Hartnett, just won a Junior International slalom race in Canada. Congratulations to little - now big - Marc Snake. Way to slither. 

And Sean Snake is winning high school hoop games with many sweet tres and Claire Snake continues to hit it out of the park as a five-tool performer. To honor these great Snake occasions, I will make a classy joke in their honor:

A study from England claims smelling people’s gas helps you fight diseases like cancer. So to my Uncle Carl, thank you for letting me pull your finger. 

And to my wife I would like to say: apology accepted.

Here it is Super Bowl 50 weekend between Denver and Carolina and the big question is: did Kanye West really ask Amber Rose to shove her fingers in his butt?

Here is Taylor - who is a friend of Amber Rose and probably knew what we all know now -  hoping Kanye washed his hand before touching the mic.

"Taylor Swift, Imma let you finish, but Beyonce had one of the best videos of all time, but nobody cares what I think 'cause all they can picture is me asking Amber Rose to stick her fingers in my booty."

Since you asked:

If there is one thing in the world that I am not, it is a rapper. 

But if I was a rapper, my biggest concern would be about keeping my street credibility. Or street cred. Rapper 50 (Fitty) Cent is losing his street cred and his fortune at the same time by having famous ‘ho celebrity non-rapper-like girlfriends like Kim Kardashian and Chelsea Handler. 

And this guy was shot nine times. 

So, if I was Kanye West, if I had a week to think of a nightmare for my street cred, I could not come up with anything worse than having a famous ex-girlfriend, like Amber Rose, going public on social media with the fact Kanye likes to have fingers shoved in his butt. 

Neither a fan nor a hater of Jeb Bush, but I am pretty sure Jeb just had his Howard Dean moment with "Please clap."

As a human who lives on this planet, it is my fervent wish that both Hillary Clinton and Donald Trump are suffering the poor election results special bad karma which comes to powerful people who treat underlings like utter garbage. 

However, as a comedy writer, it is my even more fervent wish they both stay in the race as long as possible.

Would somebody please slap this face?

Martin Shkreli, the smug AIDs drug over-pricer, appeared smirking in front of congress and repeatedly invoked his fifth amendment rights. In an unprecedented occurrence, the fifth amendment told Shkreli to go screw himself. 

In a related story, Martin Shkreli set a new world record for having the face the most people want to slap. 

Rumor has it Kim Kardashian was so furious over Kanye West’s Twitter feud with his ex, Amber Rose, and her claiming to have inserted fingers in Kanye’s butt, that Kim wants a divorce. The last thing Kanye needs: another pain in the ass. 

One thing somebody famous for a sex tape cannot stand, it is the public exposing of private sexual acts.

Kanye has 99 problems, but the fear of a prostate exam isn't one of them.

(Yes, I know that is a Jay Z song) 

Friday, February 05, 2016

This is the sea lion pup that snuck into the swanky Marine Room. That is my stand up paddle board #1 spot. 

In La Jolla, CA, a sea lion pup crawled into the booth of a fancy beach-front restaurant. The sea lion claimed he had a reservation, but he could not hide his lion eyes. 

(RIP Glenn Frey) 

This week, Bernie Sanders received protection from the Secret Service. But they cannot come up with a codename for Bernie. So far the leading contenders are; “Yelling Hippy Uncle”, “Grumpy Frumpy” and “Larry David.” 

Utah lawmakers are considering making porn a public health crisis. Had trouble writing this because I can’t see and my elbow is sore. 

The band Phish is going to play at Wrigley Field in Chicago. This way Cubs fans will be able to get so stoned they can hallucinate the Cubs win a World Series. 

A California Doctor, Dr. Hsiu-Ying Tseng, was sentenced to 30 years to life for murder for prescribing lethal painkillers. Sadly, they did not send her to prison in upstate New York thus missing a “Who’s on First?” skit by sentencing Hsiu-Ying Tseng to Sing Sing.  

Woman Falls In Theater Popcorn Flies Everywhere

As incredibly gifted athletically - no thanks to me - as my daughter, Ann Caroline is, I can still see her doing this. The Kaseberg gene I guess.

Bonnie Raitt - Burning Down The House

UCLA study claims 54 million people with overweight to obese BMI indexes are healthy. Chris Christie was so happy about this he re-opened a bridge. 

Don’t know if PED’s is how Peyton’s forehead grows/ but if you want to plug a tight end, talk to Amber Rose. #MySuperBowlRap

The Marco Rubio campaign is selling a t-shirt that calls Rubio “BAE.” Hillary Clinton is calling the t-shirt; “The swaggiest swag in swaggerville. Not.” 

One of the keys of the Super Bowl for the Denver Broncos will by to try and stop Carolina Panther tight end, Greg Olsen. In fact, the Broncos will have to stick it to that tight end like Amber Rose did to Kanye. 

Sadly, in New York, a 22-story crane collapsed in lower Manhattan on Worth St. Hopefully this tragedy will be rectified when Viagra sees the marketing opportunity. 

In New York, a 22-story crane collapsed in lower Manhattan on Worth St. The crane operator swears this has never happened before. 

In La Jolla, CA, a sea lion pup crawled into the booth of a beach-front restaurant. He was kicked out for barking at the waitress. 

He jumped through hoops to get the reservation. 

“Playboy” printed its first issue with no naked women. In mourning, men are wearing their zippers at half-mast. 

Since you asked:

At a Super Bowl press conference, a reporter questioned Cam Newton’s wearing socks with sandals. At 6.5, 250 pounds with a 4.59 40-yard-dash, Cam Newton could wear a tiara and a tutu and that whimpy little reporter would still have to eat a hot slice of shut-the-hell-up pie. 

In his latest assault charge, Cleveland QB, Johnny Manziel, denied hitting his ex-girlfriend. You know how they say where there is smoke there is fire? In Manziel’s case where there is a nuclear meltdown there is a radiation leak.  The rate Manziel is melting down, his nickname will be Johnny "Chopsticks."

In a related story, Manziel’s agent, Erik Burkhardt, released a statement cutting ties with Manziel. In a flagrant and phony attempt to look concerned, by cutting ties with the floundering Manziel, Burkhardt is merely issuing a self-serving publicity stunt. Why wouldn't Burkhardt take the high road and cut ties with Manziel privately? What a sleazy tool Burkhardt is to try and cash in on his client’s problems.  

The real factor is Burkhardt sees that the amount of work needed to promote the free-falling Manziel versus his soon-dropping payroll will not pay off for Burkhardt. The work goes up and money goes down? He's gone. But why do it publicly? 

In short, just when Manziel needs his help, Burkhardt is cashing in his ill-gotten chips. 

Maybe it’s just me, but, outside of the Carolinas and Colorado, there does not seem to be a lot of excitement about this Super Bowl.  Do we blame Coldplay? 

Obviously the sentimental favorite is Peyton Manning. Yes, I would like to see him go out a winner like his boss, John Elway. 

But I cannot stand the Cam Newton critics for objecting to Cam’s having fun while playing a damn game. 

The only two outcomes I see are either a come-from-behind last-minute win by Denver or a blow-out by the Panthers. Tom Brady was hobbled and was an easy target for Denver’s defense. Cam Newton is not hobbled to say the least. 

In order for the Broncos to stay in the game, running back C.J. Anderson will have to come up big. 

So this is more of what I want to happen than what I think will happen:

31-28. Denver. 

If Cam Newton wins, he will be one of only 11 players who have won a Heisman Trophy and a Super Bowl. 11. Once again, great job Heisman Committee. They would have had to try and keep that number that low. And they had to give the Heisman to Newton. Andrew Luck was a distant second pick and third was the vaunted LeMichael “Even I don’t know who I am” James.