Wednesday, December 17, 2014

The Chicago Bears just announced they will replace their quarterback, Jay Cutler, with Jimmy Clausen. First he replaces Jay Leno and now Jay Cutler, the guy is everywhere.

If it turns out the Sony hacking was ordered by Kim Jong Un, we need to take this evil troll and Boyce him right in the Garrison. 

Hey, Sony, I am no technology expert, but here are a couple of tools you might want to consider using to cut down on the hacking problem.

The Hollywood press veritably screamed with righteous indignation over the NSA spying on us. But the second they get their hot, little hands on leaked private e-mails from Sony execs, they printed every juicy word. That is a level of hypocrisy which has no bounds.
We need to stop being self-righteous pussies about dealing with terrorists and cyber terrorists, i.e., hackers, and step our game the eff up. We did not ask for this fight, they brought it to us. In our homes and offices. 
This Sony hacking order had to come from Kim Jong Un and when we find out it did, we need to hose his little doughy-Mo-from-"The-Three-Stooges"-midget-looking ass the eff up, and we need to hose him Kim Jong Unbelievably. 
Right now I can picture some young Sony executive losing it:
"Texting, cell phones, emails, Twitter, Facebook, it can all be hacked. There is no way to communicate without the threat of being hacked."
Then an older Sony executive slowly raises his hand and says;
"Have you thought of mailing a letter?" 

Tuesday, December 16, 2014

Donald Trump announced he is strongly considering running for president in 2016. He already has a slogan: “Tired of democrats? Comb-over to Trump.”

Can’t wait to see Liam Neeson’s latest “Taken 3.” By the third kidnapping, forget your specific set of skills, Liam, time to work on your people skills.

Indianapolis Colts QB, Andrew Luck, was recorded complimenting the players who sacked him. It is the opposite of trash talking. It is composting talking.

How bad was Jay Cutler in the Chicago Bears loss to New Orleans? Even the guys at the CIA, who paid two psychologists $80 mil. for torture techniques, think Cutler’s $100 million salary is ridiculous.

Since you asked
My 180 -degree change on Jay Cutler had nothing to do with his “I don’t wanna have to do this anymore” performance on the field.
The Bears P.R. department had set up a feel good tear-jerker that would make “Brian’s Song” look like “Blazing Saddles.” Sweet blonde kid, Sam, about age ten, diagnosed with a terminal heart illness, gets a dream day at the Bears practice field thanks to the Make a Wish foundation.
They sign him to a one-day contract, he holds a press conference. He is wearing a damn Cutler jersey #6. He says Cutler is his favorite player.
There the kid and his family is, waiting for the players to walk off the practice field. The kid is clutching a little white football made for autographs. Get the hankies ready folks, here comes the great Jay Cutler, his idol.
Cutler picks up the ball, signs it, says a few words, takes a picture where he manages to force a smile and walks away.  No hair-messing. No hugs. Certainly no brief game of catch. All of which would have cost Cutler nothing but would have meant the world to this dying kid, his family and the Bears. Cutler was not mean or rude. Just civil. 

The best word to use to describe Cutler with Sam was underwhelming. A word which has been used a lot around Cutler lately.

Seeing this almost-shine-off by Cutler, the other Bears try to make up for Cutler and fall all over the kid and give him gloves, sign his jersey, goof around with him. They gave him autographed towels, jerseys, gloves. 

Word of Cutler’s cursory behavior got back to the Bears who sent someone back outside with a pair of Cutlers’s autographed cleats. And Cutler's autographed Gatorade bottle.

But it wasn’t Cutler who did it.

Nobody is saying Cutler should have gone all Bozo the Clown on Sam, that isn't in him. But a modicum of effort would have been nice. One toss so the kid could say he caught a pass from Jay Cutler.

Some might say this was Jay Cutler being himself, Jay is not a phony. 

But I know what I saw, and if that is Jay Cutler being himself, than his "himself" is a real douche. 

Monday, December 15, 2014

The Sydney gunman, Man Haron Monis, a well-known Islamic extremist, was on bail for the stabbing/burning murder of his ex-wife and was charged with 40 counts of sexual harassment. Or as our Secret Service calls that: No red flags there.

George reminds me of "SNL's" boss with a baby body

Abby from "Masterchef Junior"

Former V.P. Dick Cheney is furious at the Senate’s report on CIA torture. I have not seen Cheney this mad since he choked an Imperial captain from six feet away.
 I have not seen Cheney this mad since that Kansas farm house landed on his Aunt.
A Montreal study claims male rats are turned on by female rats wearing lingerie. So I guess that whole Ebola cure can wait.
Since you asked:
Johnny Football Manziel’s agent, Willy “Slick” Scarpone, talks to Marcus Mariota.
“Look kid, I hear you want to thank all your teammates and your parents and stuff and, while some people like all that puppies and butterflies crap, I was Johnny Manziel’s agent, see? So I knows my way around the block, kiddo.”
“First off, we need a nickname, like Johnny “Football”. Let me spitball here. Marcus “Meatball.” Mariota. No. Marcus “Allen” Mariota. Naw. We’ll tie-in that whole Hawaiian thing. How about Marcus “Mako” Mariota? Perfect.”
“Now we need a catch symbol. One that involves money. Lick your thumb, see? Then you pretend you’re peeling off bills from a big wad of cash.”
“But listen, kid. Now I’ve been places and ate in hotels, see? Whatever you do, do not get up there during your acceptance speech and thank that guy who owns Nike, Phil Knight."
“That would taint you for life.”
Roger Goodell needs to worry and not just because of all of his botched scandals.
Yesterday I watched football and the product on TV was terrible. Commercial, penalty, commercial, penalty, penalty, commercial, penalty, injury, commercial, long replay review, penalty, commercial, injury, commercial.
Would anyone go to a wrestling match where one of the participants was not allowed to use his hands? No, because it would not be fair. The same is true of offensive lineman. They should be able to hold as much as they want. Short of grabbing a shirt and dragging down a defender right before he tackles the ball carrier. And no holding calls away from the damn ball.
Lightly grazing a defender downfield is not interference. Slightly tapping a facemask is not a penalty.

There are not many universal truths in football, but one of them is nobody in the history of the sport has ever come to a game to watch the officials. These guys – especially the old goons who ruined the Bengals-Browns game – are power-mad mall cops.
"The New York Post" ran a headline "Suck for the Duck." A plea for the Jets to tank the rest of their games so they can draft Heisman winner, Oregon's Marcus Mariota first.

"Masterchef Junior" is the best. All of the kids are adorable. But Abby just kills me. Picture a yellow labrador puppy with glasses and a lisp who can cook like hell. 

The good news for the Cleveland Browns? Two members of the dog pound were able to knock Bengals' running back, Jeremy Hill, from launching an insulting dog pound wall leap.

The bad news for the Cleveland Browns? That was their best defensive stop all day.