Tuesday, April 25, 2017

"Seven Bridges Road"...By The Eagles

I've told this story before.

My Dad and I shared a deep love of music. We also agreed to disagree on what kind of music we liked. He leaned towards Sinatra and I was big on the Eagles and Stones and Led Zeppelin. Thus we started a friendly game of "Your music sucks." "No, your music sucks." Even though we actually shared a love of many songs, ala Simon and Garfunkle, Judy Collins, Herb Albert and the Tijuana Brass, etc.

One summer afternoon when I was home in Winnetka, Illinois from Santa Barbara, I played the Eagles "Seven Bridges Road" on our stereo.

Now, as a backdrop, my dad was an absolute great harmony singer. He had an amazing tenor voice and sang in the church choir and was demanded to sing at all cocktail parties. So he loved barbershop quartets. ("Lida Rose" on "The Music Man" was one of his favorites and he could sing along with it flawlessly) 

My Dad was walking past the living room when the harmonies hit on "Seven Bridges Road" and he stopped dead in his tracks;

"Who is this?"

Like a pitcher who knew a batter had no chance to catch up to his fastball, I casually wound up and delivered;

"It's the Eagles." 

My Dad was a guy whom was not easily impressed, but as he stood there listening, he was stunned.

"No it isn't." 

"Yes it is." 

Without saying another word, we just listened to the song and then, when it was over, he just walked away. 

A few years later, my Dad passed away. When they came to pick up his company car, I went to clean it out. In the glove compartment were music tape cassettes. Among them, besides Frank Sinatra? "Eagles Live" - with "Seven Bridges Road" - and "Eagles Greatest Hits" and "Hotel California." 

Now I live a few miles from the actual Seven Bridges Road in San Diego. My Dad would have liked to know that.

Have a great Easter. And give your parents a smooch if you can.

Have you seen the viral video of the dachshund going crazy in the Chile earthquake? That is the craziest Weiner since Anthony.

Nordstrom is selling jeans for $425 with fake mud on them. And they'll throw in a cap that says, "I'm A Douchebag.”

Mel B  is accusing her ex, Steve Belafonte, of making porn. In a related story, the Spice Girls have changed Mel B’s name from Scary Spice to Absolutely Terrifying Spice. 

Kenny-G gave a saxophone performance on a Delta flight. Fortunately, Kendall Jenner was there to offer him a Pepsi if he stopped.

Sunday, April 23, 2017

Here we see Tomi lovingly describing her warm butt pillow. That or she is showing the technique she used to get on television

This is a what to the what to the what to the oh hell no, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

Kim and Khloe Kardashian are furious at Caitlyn Jenner for being publicity hungry. That’s like a hyaena being mad at a jackal for bad table manners. 

A “Vanity Fair” article claims Melania Trump is frosty with Ivanka. Not exactly a shock since Melania looks like she could smuggle ice cream sandwiches in her panties. 

Since you asked:

Conservative firebrand, Tomi Lahren, was fired from “The Blaze” because she was a diva nightmare. “Oh, I can’t believe that sweet girl could be difficult,” said nobody who has ever heard her.

Again, conservative firebrand, Tomi Lahren, was fired from “The Blaze” because she was a nightmare diva. Not for politics. 

Some called her a pit bull in poodle’s clothing. Others called her a raptor in a blonde pit bull’s clothing. She insulted makeup artists and demanded producers warm her butt pillow in the microwave for her.

In fact, if Tomi was anymore like Bill O’Reilly, she would have to sexually harass herself. 

Tomi Lahren is the most almosts of anyone on TV. She is almost hot. She is almost informed. She is almost smart. She is almost angry. She is almost entertaining. She is almost not a midget. 

Unfortunately, all those almosts only add up to a great big not quite.  You think one would be hard-pressed to come up with a more annoying symbol of talentless white privilege than Kendall Jenner or the Kardashians, but Tomi Lahren would be up there. 

Tomi once described "Black Lives Matter" unfavorably to the KKK. 

This country has got to be able to do way better for conservative commentators than Bill “#@&! it. We’ll do it live” O’Reilly and Tomi “Warm my butt pillow” Lahren. 

What happened to the high quality of conservative commentators like George Will? The late William F. Buckley? 

Why do I despise Ted Nugent so much? Could not give a fig about his politics. Forget the facts that he loves slaughtering helpless animals and has openly abused band members physically, mentally and financially. 

Ted Nugent has been repeatedly accused of having sex with prepubescent girls. He even wrote a song about raping a 13-year-old girl called “Jailbait.” He adopted a 17-year-old girl so he could legally have sex with her without her parent’s permission. 

This ass-basket Nugent is Roman Polanski with a guitar. Nugent is righteous trash. 

That and the biggest douchebag in our high school was a huge Ted Nugent fan. 

Now to bash democrats. 

One thing that seems to be forgotten in the Hillary in-fighting mess that is described in “Shattered: Inside Hillary’s Doomed Campaign” is the reason why Hillary insisted on having a private email. The only reason somebody installs a private email - despite repeated warnings not to - is so they can lie, cheat and steal without being accountable. 

It is not clear, however, if what Hillary did by maintaining a private email was illegal at the time. It is clear it was sleazy. It would have gotten everyone else in the world fired. 

Donald Trump is a world-class leaking ass-gasket and a national embarrassment. But maybe through his laziness, vanity and string of blind luck - and a lot of help -  he will be able to Mister Magoo his way around. 

Never in my life - especially as a former democrat - would I ever imagine that democrats and republicans would combine to make me so damn proud to be undeclared.

Hillary and Bill Clinton and Donald Trump have all been living under the theory it is easier to beg forgiveness than to ask for permission. It caught up to Hillary with a vengeance. One has to think it will catch up to Trump.

Saturday, April 22, 2017

My noggin was like a toboggan, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

Chicago Cubs’ Kris Bryant, has the most popular selling jersey. The least popular jersey? The United Airlines softball uniforms. 

In his interview with Diane Sawyer, Caitlyn Jenner warned people he does not want to discuss his sex-change procedure. Or as it is technically called: a deductadickome. 

In his interview with Diane Sawyer to promote his memoir, Caitlyn Jenner demanded privacy about his sex change procedure. That’s like hiring a skywriter to tell someone you do not want to marry them.

Since you asked:

In his headlong pursuit of fame, Bruce Jenner marries a woman and has two kids and utterly abandons that family. Then he marries another more famous woman, has two more kids and abandons them too. Then he marries a third even more famous woman, has two kids and sticks around because the money is better due to a sleazy reality show.

Then Bruce announces he has been living a lie and started three marriages and three families knowing he was really a woman and changes his name to Caitlyn. Some call that brave. I call it selfish. 

Caitlyn has a sex change operation, writes a book about it and has Diane Sawyer interview him to promote the book where he announces he does not want to be asked about the sex change operation. 

This is reminiscent of the only time I happened to walk by “KUWTK” and got it splattered on me. Bruce was teaching Kylie to drive. She alerted to him that there were some photographers in the car in back of them taking pictures. Bruce lost his mind and basically ran that car off the road endangering him and his young daughter.

Bruce got out of the car and fully road-raged on the paparazzi screaming at them for taking their picture. He did all of this with two freaking “KUWTK” cameramen in his own car. How is it even possible to be that much of a hypocrite? 

Anyone who is against gay marriage, like Jenner, cannot be a spokesperson for transgenders. Jenner cares for nothing but himself and that precludes other transgenders. 

We are just starting to get some semblance of an idea of what a catastrophically selfish asshole Caitlyn Jenner really is.

And while I am not proud of this, I just cannot help but wonder what that thing would fetch on eBay.

Behold the wonder and the glory that is Hollywood Gay Magic. Khloe before makeup and after.

Friday, April 21, 2017

A beach in San Diego had to close after a 1,000 gallon sewage spill. Authorities had no choice but to drag everyone out and change the name to the Beach of United Airlines. 

A German study claims watching too much Internet porn can damage your short-term memory. But what do those Canadians know anyway?

“Vanity Fair,” has an article that claims Donald and Melania Trump’s marriage is bad. How bad? Caitlyn Jenner has a better relationship with Bruce’s penis.

Kris Jenner is furious at Caitlyn Jenner for her tell-all book. Have you seen Kris’s face? There is resting bitch face. Kris has resting pissed face. 

“Fox News” is paying Bill O’Reilly $25 mil. to leave for sexual harassment. To which many male “Fox News” workers said, “Hey ladies, show us your boobs.” 

In Kansas City, there was another altercation between a passenger and an airline employee, this time an American Airlines pilot. The way things are going, “Con Air” had better passenger-airline relationships.

The Chargers’ schedule is out: Betray San Diego by slinking to Los Angeles and playing a game nobody cares about. Repeat 15 times. 

In Kansas City, there was another altercation between a passenger and an airline employee, this time an American Airlines pilot. The way things are going, there were Roman slave rowing ships with whips and a drum that had better passenger-crew relationships. 

Today is 4/21. This is the day pot smokers commemorate yesterday’s 4/20 by smoking pot again. 

Critics say Starbucks’ Unicorn Frappuccino has too much sugar and fat. “And it’s not made out of real Unicorns,” said a disappointed Eric Trump.

Thursday, April 20, 2017

Then two most popular baby names for 2017 are Emma and Liam. The least popular baby name? United O’Reilly.

Wednesday, April 19, 2017

Tom Brady has decided to skip the White House Super Bowl winner ceremony. It’s not a big deal. Brady has won five Super Bowls. He’s been to the White House more than Melania Trump.

“Fox News” fired Bill O’Reilly over the sexual harassment charges. When it comes to sexual harassment, “Fox News” has a zero plus $15 mil. tolerance policy. 

During the White House Super Bowl ceremony for the New England Patriots, Donald Trump did not mention the absent Tom Brady once. It was as if Brady was listed as a dependent in Trump’s tax returns. 

The Kardashians are furious over Caitlyn Jenner’s tell-all memoir, “The Secrets of My Life.” Mostly because now they have to read a book. 

Tennis legend, 35-year-old Serena Williams, announced she is pregnant. Guess that makes the score - wait for it - 35-Love. 

Las Vegas casinos no longer give away free drinks to all gamblers. “We may have to rethink our move,” said the Oakland Raiders.

Tuesday, April 18, 2017

In his press conference apologizing for his arrest for assault, Adam “Pacman” Jones got in an altercation with a reporter. Been a rough week for Adam. Earlier this week he beat-up his anger-management therapist.

Nancy Kerrigan continues to do well on “Dancing with the Stars.” In a related story, Tonya Harding bought a new toilet seat cozy for her trailer after winning a $20 scratch-off. 

 In a related story, Tonya Harding got a speeding ticket and told the cop to screw himself without taking the Marlboro from her lips.

In his Cincinnati press conference apologizing for his arrest for assault, Adam “Pacman” Jones got in an altercation with a reporter. That’s like holding a press conference apologizing for sexual harassment and then asking the woman reporter for a date.


In his press conference apologizing for his arrest for assault, Adam “Pacman” Jones got in an altercation with a reporter. On the bright side Adam landed an endorsement deal with United. 

(Assist Stefan M) 

Friday, April 14, 2017

New York Giant, Eli Manning, was complicit in selling fake game-used memorabilia. Many of the balls Eli sold he had not actually thrown for interceptions. 

After months of live-video anticipation, April the giraffe finally had her baby. No word on the name or sex. But I think we can rule out the names United, Hitler or Pepsi. 

Did you see White House press secretary, Sean Spicer, at the press conference? He was wearing a DEMH bracelet. “Don’t Ever Mention Hitler.” 

The Pentagon is getting cocky. They claim this mother-of-all-bombs put the ISIS in Crisis. 

After being charged with sexual harassment by five women, Bill O’Reilly is going on vacation. Bill O’Reilly drunk on spring break. What could possibly go wrong?

Scientists say a large asteroid will come close to the earth on April 19th. But do not worry, if it threatens earth, Kendall Jenner will offer it a Pepsi. 

After being charged with sexual harassment by five women, Bill O’Reilly is going on vacation. He’s going to Australia. At least I think that’s what he meant when he said he wants to dive down under. 

In San Diego, a decorated Navy Seal has been moonlighting as a porn star. This discovery puts him in serious jeopardy of being declared the coolest guy who ever lived. 

New York Giant, Eli Manning, is being accused of selling fake game-worn memorabilia. The only way this could be worse is if Eli grabbed a gun and tried to OJ the memorabilia back.

Ivanka Trump’s perfume is the #2 seller on Amazon’s beauty list. Not doing well? Eric Trump’s cologne Family Embarrassment.

In San Diego, a decorated Navy Seal has been moonlighting as a porn star. Thus earning him the title of the last guy you want to talk to at the high school reunion. “I’m an insurance adjuster. What do you do?” 

 Suddenly the most admired SEAL is not the guy who shot Osama Bin Laden. 

Since you asked:

Remember how Trump has used the dead cat thump repeatedly? (When people are talking about something you don’t want them to, you toss a dead cat on the table and that is what they’ll talk about. Taxes? Ban Muslims. Russia? Obama bugged me)

This bombing of Syria is a serious Russian dead cat thump. 

The bombing was feckless. The airfield was up and running the next day. And it makes it look like Trump went against Putin. At the exact perfect time it would help Trump to look like he was opposing Putin.

The whole thing could have been orchestrated by Putin. 

"Hey Poots. Trumpy here. Listen, my daughter Ivanka is up my tuchus so far I can taste peroxide  over the Syria gassing thing. How can I look president-like without pissing you off? Oh, so you had to make a hooker joke when I said pissing? Funny. The Sharyat airfield is OK to bomb? Assad won't get too piss . . . too mad?" 

Even with Putin's OK, I am pretty sure Assad Sharyat his pants when we bombed the Sharyat airbase. 

Thursday, April 13, 2017

A man on a United flight from Houston to Calgary was stung by a scorpion. Finally some good news for United. 

The US is prepared to strike North Korea with missiles if they trigger a nuclear weapons test. Kim Jong Un was so upset by this, he could not finish his BBQ poodle. 

Donald Trump’s Mar-a-Lago resort received 13 health violations during a kitchen inspection. Some of the employees were not washing their hands after grabbing pussies. What? There are cats on the property. 

Yesterday Donald Trump reversed four campaign promises in one day. Trump has not spun around that much since he walked into the Miss Universe dressing room. 

Former NFL player, Louis Murphy, was arrested for carrying a loaded gun in the Tampa airport. It didn’t help Murphy’s case when he told police he needed the gun for protection when buying cocaine.

Syria’s president, Assad, claimed the video of the young victims from the gas attack were faked. Some experts feel this will not help Assad’s campaign for the Nobel Peace Prize. 


The attorney for Dr. Dao, who was dragged off of the United flight, said his client has a severe concussion. And a broken nose. And a laceration. And whiplash. Oh, and his back went out. And a severe case of PTSD. Huh? Oh, also ringing in the ears. What? Diarrhea? How the hell did you . . . ? OK, diarrhea. An STD? Come on, Dr. Dao."

Since you asked;

Politics aside, I am not exactly torn up about some wonderful American sunshine being blown up the asses of 36 ISIS terrorists. 

Wednesday, April 12, 2017

They are going to build a vagina museum. Bill Clinton is going to cut the ceremonial hymen.

The meeting in Russia between Sec. of State Rex Tillerson and Vladimir Putin was tense. It is so tense, Tillerson may have to have Kendall Jenner offer Putin a Pepsi.

Putin would pretend to sneeze and then say, “Ahh Pee-Pee Video.”

Melania Trump received $2.9 mil. in damages from “The Daily Mail” for accusing her of being a prostitute. The judge also denied “The Daily Mail” request that they slip the check into Melania’s garter belt. 

Astronomers believe they have found a second red spot on Jupiter. As a result, they are strongly recommending Jupiter see a dermatologist.

Excerpts from a book called “Shattered: Inside Hillary’s Doomed Campaign,” reveal there was ugly in-fighting. Mostly directed from Bill and Hillary at the staff.  It was the first time Bill chewed-out more asses than he chased.

Dr. Ben Carson got stuck in an elevator during a Miami housing tour. There was an embarrassing moment when the fireman had to yell to the brain surgeon, “You have to push one of the buttons, doctor.” 

At the Dallas Mavericks warmup, former Dallas QB, Tony Romo, sank some impressive shots. But then at the end Romo threw an interception, hurt his back and Dallas lost the warmup. 

After a few days, Russian president, Vladimir Putin, finally met with Sec. of State Rex Tillerson. It did not help that when Rex grew impatient, Putin told him to keep his shirt on.

I was out of touch. What is this I hear about Sean Spicer getting kicked off a United flight for comparing Hitler to Assad and then Kendall Jenner gives him a Pepsi? 

Excerpts from a book called “Shattered: Inside Hillary’s Doomed Campaign,” reveal there was ugly in-fighting mostly from Bill and Hillary directed at the staff. The same people shocked by this were shocked by Barry Manilow announcing he is gay.

Since you asked:

This latest Russian-US squabble has none of the historic gravitas of international titans, Kennedy-Khrushchev. It seems more like a power struggle between cocky two frat boys. Trump is the doughy rich kid who buys his friends and Putin is the scary jock from the other side of the tracks.

If there was an actual physical confrontation, Trump would wet his pants. 

And Putin would have his second Trump-peeing video.