Is this real life, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers?


Jennifer Lopez is suing her ex-husband for threatening to release a sex tape. J. Lo is very embarrassed about this sex tape, apparently in it she makes a huge ass of herself.


Former vice presidential candidate, Sarah Palin, is promoting her book, “Going Rogue.” Don’t confuse this with the current vice president, Joe Biden’s book: “Going Rogaine.”


The NFL fined Tennessee Titans owner Bud Adams $250,000 for giving the finger to Buffalo Bills fans; wow, $250,000 for giving someone the finger. This just in: Carrie Prejean owes herself ten billion dollars.


Sarah Palin is hawking her new book, “Going Rogue.” Is it just me or does going rogue sound like someone who has given up on their body hair landscaping?


Levi Johnston says he is getting career advice from Jon Gosselin; in a related story, this information alone was responsible for creating 500 new American-hating terrorists.


Former imprisoned dog fighter Philadelphia Eagle Michael Vick is averaging 2.3 yard rushing and has completed 2 out 10 passes. How great is it that Vick’s past is dogging him?


“Star Trek” is out on DVD. It is really realistic, especially that scene where they are flying to an alien planet, but the pilots were drunk and fell asleep and missed it by 180 miles.


Sarah Palin is hawking her new book, “Going Rogue.” Doesn’t going rogue sound like a French term for not shaving body hair? “My woman does not have zee hairy armpits, she eez going rogue, nes pas?”


President Obama is in China. Obama was going to tour a lead factory, but it was contaminated with plastic dolls.


The San Diego Zoo has named their baby panda Yun Zi; Yun Zi is an ancient Chinese name that, roughly translated, means: Tourist Crack.


Since you asked:
So I went out for a great run on a beautiful afternoon. When I get back, not one e-mail, not one text message, no cell phone calls, nobody asked to be my Facebook friend, nobody decided to follow me on Twitter.

OK, I get it, digital Internet people: you hate me, you really hate me.

I'm just sayin' I'm just sayin' I'm just sayin'

Sarah Palin’s daughter’s baby-daddy, Levi Johnston, is posing for “Playgirl” but he says he won’t do frontal nudity; that means he’ll take of his Levis but you won’t see his Johnston.



Twenty more sex tapes of former Miss California, Carrie Prejean have emerged all solo; she has made so many solo sex tape, she has hurt herself. You’ve heard of carpel tunnel syndrome? Prejean has carpet tunnel syndrome.


Since you asked:


Rationally I know it's not her fault, in fact, she probably hates it more than I do, but some dark, ugly side of me wants to blame all the hype and over-advertising about "New Moon" on that smug, bratty unappreciative Kristen Stewart.

The next time Kristen Stewart complains about being bothered by fans, somebody needs to say:

"Hey, Kristen, see all those zeros in your bank account? You know, so how you can buy all those ugly ass faux punk clothes at expensive second-hand clothing stores on Melrose? Those fans put that money there, you little brooding spoiled bitch."

Phew, I really feel better now.

This beautiful specimen is what I turned into an Argentine grill

Like this here

Oh, snap pop ditty, no he di’ . . .’nt, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers


At a concert in Detroit, Bruce Springsteen repeatedly yelled “Hello Ohio.” Upon hearing this, Sarah Palin said; “Silly Bruce, everyone knows Detroit is a completely different state than Ohio.”


Australian scientists claim they have a way to naturally make women’s breasts more appealing to men. It’s called: more beer.


On “MNF” the Cleveland Browns lost to the Baltimore Ravens 16-0; I haven’t seen a match up this enthralling since what’s-that-city-whosey-names beat the other-place-what-do-you-call- thems something to nothing.


President Barack Obama is getting criticism from republicans for bowing to the Japanese emperor. Republicans prefer the old school diplomacy where President Bush senior threw up on the Japanese.


Terry Bradshaw said if there is one thing that is certain in life the Cincinnati Bengals do not beat the Steelers in Pittsburgh. Cincinnati won 18-12. As prognosticators go, Bradshaw is one hell of a hair grower. But I am not worried about retribution since Bradshaw thinks a prognosticator is the tool a proctologist uses for colonoscopies.


Carrie Prejean wrote a book “Still Standing.” Carrie Prejean, was fired by Miss California for not doing her job, she blamed topless photos of herself on the wind and she blamed several sex tapes on her ex-boyfriend. So what’s the book about? Taking responsibility.


In London a United Airlines pilot was kicked off his flight because he was too drunk to fly; they suspected he was drunk when he got excited when he found out the in-flight movie was “Paul Blart Mall Cop.”


Seven more solo sex tapes made by former Miss California, Carrie Prejean, have emerged. Apparently Prejean is a French word that means: hand jive.


Tonight’s “Monday Night Football” has the Baltimore Ravens against the Cleveland Browns. I don’t want to say the 1-8 Browns are bad, but their receivers don’t use their hands as much as Carrie Prejean.


Ashlee Simpson is going to be in “Chicago” on Broadway; this will allow Ashlee to take her inability to act and combine it with her inability to dance and sing.


At a concert in Detroit, Bruce Springsteen repeatedly yelled “Hello Ohio.” Bruce is not a spring chicken, for example, due to his age, Bruce’s songs “Hungry Heart” and “Dancing in the Dark” have changed to “Hungry Heartburn” and “Peeing in the Dark.”



Lex’s Flank Steak Sandwich recipe:

Sautee sliced sweet onions until caramelized golden brown.

Marinate flank steak in olive oil for at least one hour.

Slice tomatoes very thin.

Get French bread sandwich rolls.

Mix mayonnaise, ketchup and a dollop of mustard in a bowl. (Goop)

Soak mesquite wood chips and put them in a metal smoker

Prepare to turn your gas grill into an Argentine hardwood fire grill. (See above) Turn on far right gas grill burner to high, middle one medium, left one off (My grill has a infrared searing panel so it gets even hotter) Place smoker on far right of grill against the wall.

When the smoker is slightly smoking, place flank steak on far left side of grill over burner that is off. Ten minutes, flip it and pour olive oil it was marinating over the flank steak and salt it liberally with sea salt. Ten minutes, Now turn the left burner to low. Do this again.

As the steak starts to go from mushy to spongy to almost done, place it right over the hot right grill and sear for three minutes a side (flipping 90 degrees for cross grill marks) Whole steak should take about 30 minutes or a little more. (Time varies on how hot the grill)

Remove steak, drizzle with more olive oil, a tad more salt, tent loosely with tin foil. (Ten minutes)

Grill French rolls until toasty with grill marks.

Slice flank steak very thinly against the grain and on a bias.

Slather goop (mayo, ketchup and mustard) on the inside of the French roll, add sliced tomatoes, grilled onions and place the steak slices length-wise on the roll. Don't be stingy.

Devour with goblets full of a rich, good red wine.

Send me a check for $500, because I should be getting paid for these mother-humping chestnuts, yo Home Skippy.

Have you ever grilled peaches and bananas over hardwood for a grilled banana split? Then tear up your birth certificate, Slateenos and Nuggliests, because you have not lived.


If I may paraphrase Winston Churchill, never, in the history of human endeavor, have so many hated so many famous celebrities.

Here is the list of famous celebrities who right-thinking people despise, but whom they honestly believe they are beloved by all:

Brody Jenner

All the Kardashians

Paris Hilton

Lindsay Lohan

Madonna

Spencer Pratt

Heidi Montag

Heidi Montag

Spencer Pratt

Andy Dick

Simon Cowell

Kevin Federline

Ashlee Simpson

Sarah Palin (Oh, come on, after what she did to McCain even republicans hate her now)

Levi Johnston

Rev. Al Sharpton

Rev. Jesse Jackson

Gloria Allred

John Edwards

Mark Sanford

Rod Blagojevich

Mrs. Blagojevich

Carrie Prejean

Jon and Kate Gosselin

The Octomom

Dr. Phil

Roseanne Barr

Rosie O'Donnell

Donald Trump

Tom Arnold

The Jonas Brothers

The Dude abides, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers


Seven more solo sex tapes made by former Miss California, Carrie Prejean, have emerged. Boy, you’ve got to hand it to Carrie, she sure as hell does.


Did you see how confused Larry King was when Carrie Prejean got furious when he asked her questions? Larry hasn’t been that confused since he interviewed John Adams thinking it was Sam Adams.


Carrie Prejean says there is nothing wrong with Christians getting breast implants. You know the part of the bible called the book of Deuteronomy? The passage about implants is in the book of Hooteronomy.


Seven more sex tapes made by former Miss California, Carrie Prejean, have emerged. There is something really odd about her sex tapes, I just can’t put my finger on it.

Seven more sex tapes made by former Miss California, Carrie Prejean, have emerged. Apparently Prejean is a French word that means: own best friend.


Hooker-hiring disgraced ex-New York Governor, Elliot Spitzer, is teaching an ethics class at Harvard. Its right down the hall from Donald Trump’s class on hair care.


Have you seen the Carrie Prejean “Larry King Live” interview? Prejean called Larry’s question inappropriate. Larry King hasn’t been inappropriate since he went to Thomas Jefferson’s inauguration without a powdered wig.


Carrie Prejean called Larry King’s questions inappropriate. Apparently Prejean is also the only person in the country who doesn’t know Larry King takes caller’s questions and she got mad. “Hello Poughkeepsie do you have a question for this bimbo.” Now that’s inappropriate.


Seven more sex tapes made by former Miss California, Carrie Prejean, have emerged; apparently Carrie Prejean has some experience in the Mexican food service area, ‘cause this girl knows how to fix a taco.


Seven more solo sex tapes made by former Miss California, Carrie Prejean, have emerged. This girl flies solo more than Charles Lindberg did.



President Barack Obama is in China. In the time it took to tell that, Carrie Prejean has come out with three more sex tapes.

Since you asked:

It takes a really big man to come out and admit when he was wrong, so I am not going to do that.

But I will admit I am going to pump the brakes a bit on my criticism of the two Taylors, Swift and “New Moon” Lautner. The first Taylor charmed on her monologue song and showed some comedy chops on “SNL.”

The second Taylor turns out is a Marshall arts champ who could kick my narrow tuchus, and he threw a tight spiral to Jerry Rice on “The Jay Leno Show” something Robert Pattinson could not do if he tried until Kristen what’s her name is in menopause. Stewart.

This is my go-to home field SUP surf spot, Torrey Pines

El Duderino if you're not into that whole brevity thing, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers



A Florida man is in jail after being arrested for calling 911 and asking for sex. Sure, call him crazy, but now he is in jail, he is going to have all the sex he can handle. Who’s crazy now?


You’ve probably seen the footage of the drunk Bostonian who falls on the subway tracks, but just avoids getting hit? Turns out it was a United Airlines pilot on his way to the airport.


The Balloon boy’s parents will be sentenced to probation today and remember the crazy lady astronaut who drove across country in a diaper and attacked a woman astronaut? She’s on probation. I guess the only way to get sent to jail these days is to call 911 and ask for sex.


A Florida man is in jail after being arrested for calling 911 and asking for sex. Call him crazy, but it worked, he’s screwed now.


Sammy Sosa has become white due to chemical peel procedures; to give you an idea how white Sosa is now, Sammy watched the entire broadcast of “The Country Music Awards.”


In New York they are auctioning off items of $60 billion scammer Bernie Madoff including a New York Mets jacket with Madoff’s name on the back. Or as they call a Mets Madoff jacket in Chicago, an; “I want strangers to kill me” jacket.


The movie “Precious” is about a morbidly obese illiterate 16-year-old girl who is sexually abused by her drug addict father and mentally and physically abused by her bitter welfare mother. This is the movie for those who think skyrocketing unemployment, swine flu and two wars in the Middle East are not quite depressing enough.


Congratulations to Darius Rucker, former Hootie and the Blowfish front man, for being the first African American to win the Country Music Award’s New Artist of the Year. When asked to comment, one country music fan said; “That’s great. Wait. What’s an African American?”

Congratulations to Darius Rucker, former Hootie and the Blowfish front man, for being the first African American to win the Country Music Award’s New Artist of the Year. There was an awkward moment when Willy Nelson interrupted Darius to say Taylor Swift should have won.


While promoting the new “Twilight” vampire movie, actress Kristen Stewart tells interviewers how much she hates being famous. Maybe being a movie star isn’t the ideal occupation for her. How about a job at Starbucks? Then you are guaranteed not to be famous.

Um, sweety, being a screaming bitch trumps hot every time.

We had a brown out on the down out, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

I’m having a rough day. When I hit my Staples “Easy” button I sprained my thumb.

In his biography, tennis star Andre Agassi claims he lost a French Open final because he was terrified his hairpiece would fall off on to the ground in the middle of the game. It’s the same fear Manny Rameriz has with his testicles.

It’s fashion week in Pakistan. And you know what all the Pakistan fashionistas are saying this season: last year’s black Burka is this year’s really black Burka.

First Maria Shriver drove on her handheld cell phone, then she parked in a red zone, now a store says Maria left a huge pile of tried-on clothes on the floor. You know what Maria did today? She yanked a woman’s soccer player to the ground by her ponytail.

Former Miss California, Carrie Prejean, is writing a book; it’s like Sarah Palin’s book, “Going Rogue” Prejean’s book is; “Going Rouge.”

Former Miss California, Carrie Prejean, is in trouble over a sex tape. Before Prejean blamed her topless photos on the wind blowing her blouse open. Not to go into lurid details of the sex tape, but that had to be some gust of wind to blow her vibrator where it ended up.

Sammy Sosa is noticeably whiter since undergoing skin lightening procedures. In fact, Sosa is so white, he could star in the HBO “Curb Your Enthusiasm” “Seinfeld” reunion.

First Maria Shriver drove on her handheld cell phone, then she parked in a red zone, now a store says Maria left a huge pile of tried-on clothes on the floor. In fact, as we speak, the California legislature is drafting a bill to have Maria’s title changed from First Lady to First Bitch.

The Tyler Perry and Oprah Winfrey produced movie “Precious” is hailed as a great low-budget independent film. Here is my question: how can a film be called low-budget when the two producers have $500 million dollars of loose change in their couches each?

The independent film, “Precious” is getting interesting reviews. “We give it an A”, said “Entertainment Weekly.” “Inspirational” said “The Wall Street Journal.” “Wow, that is one fat chick” said “Douche-bag Quarterly.”

You’ve probably seen the footage of the drunk Boston woman who falls on the subway tracks, but the engineer stopped the train right before hitting her? If that had been a Northwest Airlines pilot, this would be a much sadder and messier story.

The movie “Precious” is about a morbidly obese uneducated 16-year-old ghetto girl who is sexually abused by her drug addict father and mentally and physically abused by her bitter welfare mother. The “Trenton Gazette” calls it the feel good movie of the year.

The movie “Precious” is about a morbidly obese illiterate 16-year-old ghetto girl who is sexually abused by her drug addict father and mentally and physically abused by her hateful welfare mother. What? No dying dog? What a schmaltzy Hollywood sell-out.

Former Miss California, Carrie Prejean, is writing a book; so, parents, if you want your daughter to be intolerant of gays, fired for shirking her Miss California duties, rip-off the pageant for breast implants, pose topless and then make a sex video, this is the book for your little sweetheart.

The movie “Precious” is about a morbidly obese illiterate 16-year-old ghetto girl who is sexually abused by her drug addict father and mentally and physically abused by her hateful welfare mother. What? No blind orphan falling in a well crying for mommy? What a puff piece.

The movie “Precious” is about a morbidly obese 16-year-old girl. One review called “Precious” plus-sized. That’s like calling Amy Winehouse a bit of a party chick.

Since you asked:

One thing that has never been clearer is that I have no grasp whatsoever on what women find attractive in men lately.

Those two “Twilight” dudes, Robert Pattinson and Taylor Lautner? You have to be kidding, ladies. Pasty-faced, oily dorks whose girly-pretty sexuality is ambiguous at best. Where are the Paul Newman’s and Robert Redford’s and Steve McQueen’s and Sean Connery’s and Clint Eastwood’s of this generation? These “New Moon” dweebs make Adam Lambert look like an ass kicker. And we all know Liz Lambert (New Mexico ponytail puller) could kick his ass.

Hell, the hot women of today could kick these guy’s tuchuses. Who would you take in a fight, Fergie or Robert Pattinson? Me too, Fergie every time. Hell, Lada Gaga’s wardrobe could beat the crap out of Taylor Lautner. Paris Hilton’s hair weave could knock out Zach Efron.

OK, yes, some of these guys have ripped abs, but so does everyone under the age of 30 thanks to liposuction, pills and Red Bull. Ripped abs don’t count anymore. Madonna has ripped abs.

And it isn’t just about brawn, I mean, Paul Newman was a little guy, but he was so damn cool. Ditto with Marlon Brando and James Dean and James Caan. And I have it on good authority those last three were all closeted gay and or bi. (Yes, Sonny Corleone and Brian Piccilo likes his boys. Remember the young drunk gay guy who fell out of his apartment?) There is nothing wrong with being gay unless a guy who likes guys is trying to be a leading ladies man. See: Tom Cruise.

Would you want to have a beer with the Jonas Brothers? Shakira has more testosterone than all three of them. Seriously, a brother rock band that touts abstinence? Tito freaking Jackson got more than he could handle. What is the point of being a rock star if you are not going to score gorgeous groupies? It’s like being a vegetarian chef at Morton’s Steak House.

Granted, I am not the closest person in touch with today’s hottest music, but I try. I watch some of these bands on late night talk shows. And almost all of them look like they are nerd computer /film school dorks who had their too-much-hair-product heads flushed all through high school. Except Jet, and they aren’t even that young anymore.

Not to get all “Sex and the City” Carrey on your skinny six, but did two whole generations raised on political correctness create a race full of dweeb dudes?

The Eagles were little skinny guys, but they looked like they could take care of themselves in a bar fight. At least they could grow a beard. Well, maybe not Timothy B. Schmidt. The pube-faced losers I see in hot bands now look like they would wet their skinny jeans if a fight broke out in a bar. And that would be at an oxygen bar.

The coolest guy in rock and roll right now is John Mayer? (At least he’s getting all the babes, primarily due to lack of competition) Fall Out Boy? I mean, they are my New Trier High homeys and all, but, seriously, their lead singer, Pete Wentz, admits he makes out with the fellas. Every single Rolling Stone in their sixties is cooler than John Mayer. (Although I do admit Mayer is a funny guy and one hell of a guitar player)

We need to take the steroids out of sports and put it in our young matinee idols

And here I thought I invented the Fabreze shower, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers


Rumor has it Stephen Tyler has quit Aerosmith. And if you’ve seen Stephen Tyler recently, you know he is going to join the Indigo Girls.


Steroid-disgraced slugger, Sammy Sosa is noticeably whiter since undergoing skin lightening procedures. In fact, Sammy is getting so white he bought a John Legend CD.


It’s fashion week in Pakistan. That’s sort of like NASCAR week in San Francisco.


In an interview, Blackeyed Peas singer, Fergie, said she likes to have sex with women, but she prefers well-endowed men. And with Chastity Bono, she can have both.


Wednesday we honored the brave people who sacrificed themselves to save the rest of us; and besides the guys who date Madonna, let’s hear it for our military.


For the third time in 13 months, this time a United Airlines pilot was kicked off his flight for being too drunk to fly. Between those sleeping Northwest pilots and drunk pilots, flying is so scary it is turning me as white as Sammy Sosa.


“Sesame Street” is 40 years old. You can tell the characters are getting older. Remember Oscar the Grouch? He’s the friendliest one now.


Steroid-disgraced slugger, Sammy Sosa is noticeably whiter since undergoing skin lightening procedures. Among the side effects of being whiter, Sammy has noticed skin sensitivity to sunlight, an increase in rashes and an uncontrollable desire to eat bologna and watch NASCAR.


Former Miss California, Carrie Prejean, is writing a book; but, if you take out the words “whatever” and “like” and “I’m all” and “as if” and “OMG” it’s more like a pamphlet.


You’ve seen the clip of New Mexico’s women’s soccer player, Liz Lambert, throwing a Brigham Young player to the ground by her pony tail. The fight probably continued to the showers with a towel-snapping fight and then some wrestling in the steamy shower until they made up and hugged and lathered each other up with soap and . . . I’m sorry, what were we talking about?

F.Y.I, saying F.Y.I is the new being a douche bag, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers


It’s fashion week in Pakistan. This year’s Fall-inspired suicide bomber ensemble is to die for.


Steroid-disgraced slugger, Sammy Sosa is noticeably whiter since undergoing skin lightening procedures. In fact, Sosa is so white, he can’t even dance anymore.


It is the 20th anniversary of the fall of the Berlin wall; for those who are too young to remember, the Berlin wall did not fall due to a sex tape, hitting Rihanna or going country.


In interviews, the New York Yankees claim they won the World Series because they have heart; listening to the Yankees say they won because of heart is like hearing Donald Trump say women dig him because he’s sexy.


“Sesame Street” is 40 years old. You can tell the characters are getting older, on the last episode, the Count counted his medications: “One, one Lipitor, two, two Viagra, three, three teaspoons of Metamucil, hah, hah, hah.”


Steroid-disgraced slugger, Sammy Sosa is noticeably whiter since undergoing skin lightening procedures. Here’s my question: when they make Sosa whiter do they also have to shorten his penis?


Former Miss California, Carrie Prejean, is writing a book; suddenly Sarah Palin’s book sounds pretty good.


In the wake of the Fort Hood shootings, authorities are now saying there were red flags about the shooter, Nidal Milak Hasan including he praised suicide bombers and he was in contact with a terrorist in Yemen. Red flags? What did they need, an “I Heart Osama bin Laden” t-shirt?


Have you seen the clip of New Mexico’s women’s soccer player, Elisabeth Lambert, slamming a Brigham Young player to the ground by her pony tail? Man, I haven’t seen a woman go down that fast since Paris Hilton during Fleet Week.


You’ve seen the clip of New Mexico’s women’s soccer player, Elisabeth Lambert, throwing a Brigham Young player to the ground by her pony tail? Here’s my question: that’s not supposed to turn a guy on, right? Just asking.



Since you asked:

So as not to give the Hollywood bloated appearance of detached-by-egomaniacal-self-importance, as in those insufferable a-holes whining; “Please free convicted child rapist, Roman Polanski, he’s so talented.”, TV talk show monologues should try to be representative of the water cooler and soccer field topic banter of everyday red-blooded Americans. And to stay away from what the entertainment industry cares about because real Americans don’t care about that.

Big shot entertainment producer douche-bags may be terrified of a potential make-up artist strike, but nobody else in the country is, so don’t do jokes about a topic like that. Do jokes about what people are talking about. Or at least what they at least find mildly interesting.

Yes, the health care bill passed the house, but most regular people don’t care until it is a signed law passed by both the house and the Senate and signed by the President. But last night all the talk shows did many jokes about the house narrowly passing the health care bill. Why? It’s not a topic that has anything funny about it at all. Well, except for Nancy Polosi’s face.

Don’t mistake this for suggesting you dumb-down to people. That’s not what I mean. People are smart and they can smell someone being condescending a mile away. (By the way, condescending means to talk down to someone . . .)

But a women’s soccer player caught on TV kicking, slugging, stomping and yanking another player to the ground by her ponytail? That is what folks are talking about.

And yet a couple of talk shows did not do one joke about it. Not one.

It’s like the Ellen DeGeneres inside joke about letting fame go to your head.

“I don’t let fame go to my head. In fact, today I was just telling Yolanda, the woman who brushes my teeth . . .”

Hollywood, you might want to give us jokes like; “Times are so tough did you hear about the craft services table that had to substitute its Beluga caviar with Osetra caviar?” But we don’t want to hear those jokes. Honestly. We don’t. Nobody does.

You know what people can joke about no matter if their kids have the swine flu, no matter if they are cutting down on doing the things they love due to financial problems, no matter if their politicians are screwing everything up, no matter if a loved one is serving in harm’s way?

Sports.

This is a powerful lesson I learned way back right after September 11th, 2001. We wanted to see President Bush throw a strike during the World Series in New York and when he did, we laughed, cried, hugged and cheered.

And don’t say you didn’t because Bush turned out to be incompetent , you did.

If you drive a cab, or throw garbage in a garbage truck, or wait on tables or if you are the big shot at the fancy steak house being waited on, you can talk to anyone and everyone about sports and nobody will get offended. Well, unless they are Mets or Knicks fans, but then who cares what those people think?

Take black people turning white through chemical peels. Joke about Michael Jackson and Michael’s fans get furiously offended. Joke about Sammy Sosa turning white and everybody laughs and nobody gets offended.

And yet I know of several big shot comedians and comedy writers – in fact, entire staffs of huge shows of big shot comedy writers – who could not give a rat’s ass about sports.

And it shows in their jokes. Or their lack of jokes.

"I got anger issues? How'd you like some broken nose issues?"

Taking the frail by the tail ‘til they wail, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers


A woman in England is allergic to water and can only take a shower for five minutes a month; or as they call showering for five minutes a month in France: obsessive cleanliness disorder.


Kirstie Alley is coming back to TV. I think the show is called “C.S.I.: Applebee’s.”


Have you seen the clip of New Mexico’s women’s soccer player, Elisabeth Lambert, slamming a Brigham Young player to the ground by her pony tail? The bad news? Lambert has been suspended. The good news? Lambert picked up an endorsement deal with Midol .

The bad news? Lambert has been suspended. The good news? The Oakland Raiders want to sign her.


Have you seen the clip of New Mexico’s women’s soccer player, Elisabeth Lambert, slamming a Brigham Young player to the ground by her pony tail? The bad news? Lambert has been suspended. The good news? She inked an endorsement deal with Nike: Just Do It, Bitch.

Did this after surfing on Sunday

Kirstie Alley is coming back to TV. I think the show is called “C.S.I.: Arby’s.”


A South Carolina man was sentenced to three years for having sex with a horse; wow, for South Carolina that is a harsh sentence, that must have been one ugly horse.


Carrie Prejean, dropped her lawsuit against Miss California when pageant attorneys revealed an explicit video of Prejean performing sex acts on herself. Let’s just say Prejean may be opposed to same sex marriage, but clearly she has no problem with same sex with herself.


Carrie Prejean, dropped her lawsuit against Miss California when pageant attorneys revealed an explicit video of Prejean performing sex acts on herself. Let’s just say it looks like Prejean took it literally when pageant officials told her to go screw herself.


A South Carolina man was sentenced to three years for having sex with a horse; of course the man denies this, he claims he was just riding the horse really, really badly.


Philadelphia Phillie fans are still reeling from the World Series loss to the New York Yankees; gosh, I hope this doesn’t make those kind, forgiving and supportive Philadelphia fans bitter and hostile.


A South Carolina man was sentenced to three years for having sex with a horse; wow, that is a harsh sentence, in Oklahoma they call sex with a horse: “Bonding out on the trail.”


Florida police became very emotional about finding the baby in the box after several days; you know who also became emotional over the baby in the box? Roman Polanski, he cried; “Oh, thank you, it’s the perfect gift.”

Woulda, coulda, shoulda, buggah, buggah, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers


Maine voted against gay marriage. In a related story, there is a sudden plummet of sales of Maine’s lobsters, antiques and L.L. Bean’s women’s comfort camper boots.


A South Carolina man was sentenced to three years in prison for having sex with a horse; I thought it was unnecessarily mean the way the judge issued the sentence while playing the song “Mustang Sally.”


On Twitter, Paris Hilton showed a picture of her in a huge limo. How huge? The limo was so big it fit Paris and her vagina.



A South Carolina man was sentenced to three years in prison for having sex with a horse; I thought it was unnecessarily mean the way the judge issued the sentence while playing the song; “Back in the saddle again.”


A South Carolina man was sentenced to three years in prison for having sex with a horse; look for the movie based on this; “My Friend With Benefits, Flicka.”


A South Carolina man was sentenced to three years in prison for having sex with a horse; I’d give anything to see the look on his cellmate’s face when he answers; “So what are you in for?”


A South Carolina man was sentenced to three years in prison for having sex with a horse; that’s a pretty stiff sentence for South Carolina, the guy wasn’t even related to the horse.


A South Carolina man was sentenced to three years in prison for having sex with a horse; the judge suspected he was guilty when he asked the guy his age and he stomped out the answer with his foot.


A South Carolina man was sentenced to three years in prison for having sex with a horse; when asked if he had sex with a mare, the man became indignant and said; “Of course, I’m straight.”


A South Carolina man was sentenced to three years in prison for having sex with a horse; this was also the first ever case of sexually transmitted hoof and mouth disease.


Since you asked:

Last night decadent to the point of pure evil. A couple-o-San Diego Sunsets (Mount Gay rum, coconut water and squeeze of lime on rocks) Argentine grilled filet mignon topped with fresh crap meat and drizzled with roasted garlic mustard butter, and glass or two of Cabernet and a good movie, Blu ray of “Taking of Pelham 123.” Two words: boo and yah.

Talk about being at the right place at the right time

JFGI, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

A South Carolina man was sentenced to three years in prison for having sex with a horse; the judge suspected he was guilty when he asked the man if he had anything to say in his defense and he said; “Neigh.”

New York Yankee Alex Rodriguez commissioned two artists to paint him as a centaur; does this mean Philly fans weren’t wrong to call A-Rod a horse’s ass?

Game six of the World Series is tonight in New York’s Yankee stadium, unless it rains. Rain in the Northeast in November? Who ever heard of such a thing? This global warming thing is out of control.

The lawsuit over the cost of former Miss California, Carrie Prejean’s breast implants has been settled out of court. Gov. Schwarzenegger volunteered to arbitrate and examine the evidence.

“Twilight” star Kristen Stewart hates being famous; talk about a poor career choice. There just aren’t many openings for unknown and anonymous movie stars.

Girls, if you’re looking for a good Fall gift for your man, you can’t go wrong with a Snuggie, the blanket with arms now comes with two pockets where men can put their masculinity and their pride.

Maine voted down a law allowing same-sex marriage. In a related story, in gay protest, Maine antique stores can anticipate a huge drop in business this weekend.

President Barack Obama campaigned for Chicago and Rio got the 2012 Olympics, Obama stumped for democratic governors and yesterday the republicans won. Today Obama offered to cheer for the Philadelphia Phillies and they said; “That’s OK. We’re good.”

Since you asked: Reading more about the whacked out Los Angeles music scene in the Seventies. It is amazing just how incestuous it was. From Winnetka, Illinois in 1974, I could see that everybody was playing on everybody else’s albums, James Taylor, Don Henley, Glenn Frey, Linda Rondstadt, Joni Mitchell, Dan Fogelberg, Jackson Browne, J.D. Souther, Randy Newman, Warren Zevon, et al. But the musical inbreeding went even deeper. Led Zeppelin and the Rolling Stones were drawn to Los Angeles like moths to the flame. So was Bob Dylan. So was Eric Clapton. Many swear the Stones stole “Wild Horses” from Graham Parsons. Led Zeppelin quickly tired of the candlelit mutual schmoozing with acoustic guitar fests of Laurel Canyon – even though that was what “Misty Mountain Hop” and “Going to California” were written about - and decided to look for inspiration in the Tom Waits/Doors seedy side of the Los Angeles scene. Cue: “When the Levee Breaks.” The Stones have a long-standing reputation of chewing up and then spitting out their musical influences. From Muddy Waters and Chuck Berry to Elton John, they are like royalty crowing; "Bring him to me, he amuses me" and once they have gleaned what they can, they discard them. That is what Richards did with Gram Parsons. Zep’s Plant and Page and Bonham and Jones trashed and partied with bikers and low life’s at the Hyatt “Riot House” on Sunset Blvd, not exactly slumming, but no mellow fern and incense Lookout Mountain backyard party either. My impression is that most musician types were the polar opposite of the cool kids in high school. They were the loners playing guitar on the stairs of the party until the real cool kid, John Belushi, thankfully smashes the guitar into smithereens against the wall. And they take this tormented loser personality into the studio and it shows in their earlier heart-wrenching love-gone-wrong “Best of My Love” “Daisy Jane” “Fountain of Sorry” songs. Suddenly the long-tormented high school losers are getting babes, blow and tons of dough and they don’t know how to handle it. So they start acting like how they think the cool kids are supposed to act, aloof, rude, arrogant and snotty, and they do it very, very badly. The real cool kids in music – like Jimi Hendrix and Keith Richards - don’t try to be cool, they just were/are cool. Many of the late Sixties and Seventies bands from L.A., from the Doors all the way through to Motley Crux, had a phony air of faux cool. It was a California cool they were trying to package and market and that always ends up reeking of insincerity. Kind of like songs about the music business disguised as love songs. Don’t get me wrong, I love “Wasted Time” but that is clearly about the Eagles’ endless time in the studio and not sympathy for a heart-broken dumped lover. “Poor me, I have to take a limo from my hotel suite down to a radio station and do an interview when I would rather be doing tequila shots out of a hot groupies naval. Can’t you feel my pain?” No, actually we can’t you adult spoiled brat. Now take a weapon and stand a post. Either way I don’t give a damn what you think you’re entitled to. (Sorry, I’ve been lapsing into Col. Jessep a lot lately) High school with money is right. All of these dyed-in-the-wool loners and losers from all over the country were scrambling over each other in Los Angeles in a desperate attempt to look like the coolest jocks who got the hot cheerleaders. “Oh, I’m sorry, you can’t ride in our limo, you take the next one. Snort, snort.” Using Richard Nixon as a drastic example, being a high school loser can both horribly scar and tremendously motivate someone for the rest of their lives. But, tragically, in the end, the scars are always there. And, in the end, even they, the rock stars, aren’t believing their own masquerade. Sure, some ended up with money and fame, but they all pretty much lost most of their souls somewhere along the way. As badly as they may have been treated by the jocks, cool kids and pretty cheerleaders in high school, they ended up abusing their fans, groupies, roadies and managers ten times more. You can't do that without selling your soul. But the music was awesome and we got to keep that. If you ask me, I think we, in the long run – sorry, Glenn and Don - came out ahead. Me and you, the regular folks, we got to keep the music and keep our souls.

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