Tuesday, May 26, 2015

We gonna drop some truth and wisdom on this up in here, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

Taco Bell has announced they are switching to healthier and more natural ingredients. This is great news for their customers who want to have healthier and more natural diarrhea.

Three years ago, a 22-year-old transgender Japanese chef cooked his own genitals and served them to customers. They were going to make a show out of it, but the names “Chopped,” “The Biggest Loser” and “Deadwood” were already taken.

Rapper 50 Cent’s boxing company has gone bankrupt. Well, not totally bankrupt. It still has 50 cents.
Jen Kirkman

Somebody was gizen me dah bidness to has, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

Following his retirement, David Letterman spent Memorial Day with his Rahal Letterman Lanigan racing team at the Indy 500. It was distracting how Letterman kept yelling at the cars, “Slow down, this is a neighborhood.”

A 22-year-old transgender Japanese chef cooked and served his own genitals to customers. That’s really Japanese even for the Japanese.

Call me old fashioned, but I prefer chefs who put their heart and soul into their cooking.

Since you asked:

The key to my tasty Kasekerdeegers? (Quesadillas) Flour tortillas. Lots of creamy shredded Monterey jack, some shredded parmesan also. Lots of pulled chicken meat, lots of diced green chilis and chopped green onions (scallions) and coarsely chopped cilantro.

Nuke it in the microwave for two minutes to get the cheese starting to melt. Then finish them in a pan with a little olive oil and then brown both sides medium heat. Then drizzle with the pink sauce that is a combination of 2/3 sour cream 1/3 mango salsa. Make pretty with roughly chopped cilantro on top.

In light of all the colossal screw ups and cockup from the NFL, Roger Goodell needs to ban this scum, Ray McDonald, from the NFL.

Saw Scarlett Johansson on “The Tonight Show Starring Jimmy Fallon.” From Keri Russell in “Felicity” to Jennifer Lawrence, Shailene Woodley and even Kristen Stewart, what is the deal with pretty actresses butchering their hair?

Johansson’s ‘do would scare the tools of ignorance off of a softball catcher.

No matter what happens with the Chicago Blackhawks in the playoffs, they have been amazing and fun to watch. Even when they suck, like they did last night going down 3-0 against the Ducks in a sleep walk, they still, eventually, make it exciting. They never quit. They got no quittidge.

By the way, I cannot wait for the movie “Grumpier Old Mikes” starring Mike Ditka and Mike Milbury.  They don’t take any crap unless it’s in their Depends. You punks better get off of their lawns.

Amy Schumer is absolutely crushing it. And she more than deserves all of her success. But she ain’t the only female comedian going – excuse the expression – balls deep. Iliza Schlesinger, Natasha Leggero, Sarah Silverman, Maria Bamford, Nikki Glaser, Jackie Monahan, Grace Helbig and my Facebook pal, Lang Parker.

Last night I saw a stand up special on Netflix by Jen Kirkman. My word, she killed. It was like being in a bar with a hilarious raspy-voiced American Kate Middleton holding forth.

Monday, May 25, 2015

A Florida woman was released from nine days in jail for refusing to have her son circumcised. This legal debate will rage on because this case is not cut and dried.

Reports indicate the Iraqi army was downright cowardly in giving up Ramadi to ISIS. ISIS went through the Iraqi army faster than Bruce Jenner at a Nordstrom’s women’s shoe sale. 

Chicago Bear, Ray McDonald, was arrested for domestic violence and child endangerment for attacking a woman who was holding a baby. McDonald is also under investigation for sexual assault. The good news? He did not deflate any footballs.

A Florida woman was released from nine days in jail for refusing to have her son circumcised. This will go to court and be the landmark case of Johnson Vs. Scalpel.

Chicago Bears released Ray McDonald who was arrested for domestic violence before he played one down. McDonald’s Chicago career was shorter than a Floyd Mayweather sensitivity counseling session.

There is now a Fantasy Golf League. These are the guys who get bullied by Fantasy Football player’s imaginary girlfriends.