Tuesday, July 17, 2018

In front of Vladimir Putin, Donald Trump refused to admit Russia hacked our election. Trump was so much of a pussy, after the meeting, he grabbed himself.

There has been a huge blow-back since Donald Trump supported Vladimir Putin over US intelligence. This is the most blow-back since Bill Clinton offered Monica Lewinski a cigar.

"Fox News" host, Chris Wallace asked Vladimir Putin why so many of his enemies end up dead. Putin laughed and then had Chris Wallace killed.

A University of Chicago study says people who talk to their dogs are smarter than those who do not. Especially smart are those dog owners who are able to determine who is a good boy. Are you a good boy? Yes, you are. 

Sunday, July 15, 2018

Bruce Springsteen and Melissa Etheridge - Thunder Road

Thursday, July 12, 2018

Trickster Magoo and the Uruguayan She-Beasts, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers 

Today is Bill Cosby's 81st birthday. If you want to get him a present, he is registered at Bed, Bath and Beyond Despicable.

The brush-fire east of Hollywood in Griffith Park was more serious than we thought. In order to get it to go away, they had to give it a writing and an executive-producer credit.

After using the N-word in a conference call, the good news is Papa John's founder, John Schnatter, has resigned as chairman. The bad news is he now wants to be called the Grand Duke of Papa John's.

A clip shows White House Chief of Staff, John Kelly, getting agitated over Donald Trump's insult of Germany. Kelly looks like a used-car dealer when his idiot brother-in-law blows a sale,

"Why did you tell them there was a body in the trunk?"

Papa John's is changing their name to IHOB. International House of Bigotry.

Stormy Daniels was arrested at an Ohio strip club for touching a customer. Ohio is conservative. For massages, instead of a happy ending, customers get a moderately pleasant conclusion.

Stormy Daniels was arrested at an Ohio strip club for touching a customer. Strip clubs in Ohio are more conservative. Instead of making it rain, the customers make it partly cloudy.

Since you asked;

The Season finale of "GLOW" left me with many questions. Will Ruth end up with Sam in Las Vegas? Will Bash and Brittanica's marriage work? Will there be a season 3? What the hell happened to my masculinity?

There was a brush fire just East of Hollywood in Griffith Park. But the brush fire wants everyone to know it is only temporarily a brush fire, it is really an actor/screenwriter/director.

Wednesday, July 11, 2018

In LA, there was a brush fire in Griffith Park. But then the fire started dating a Kardashian and became a crack addict, bi-polar, an alcoholic, had a sex-change operation and then vanished.

There was an awkward moment when Donald Trump was informed England lost to Croatia at the World Cup. Trump said, "At least England made it to the semi-finals, Great Britain didn't even make the tournament."

There are two things I learned watching the World Cup today on “Fox Sports.” One, Croatia is playing France for the title, and two, Alexi Lalas is somehow becoming even more annoying.

In China, a teenage boy was sent to the hospital with a USB cord stuck in his penis."Did it hurt like crazy when they took yours out too?" Asked Eric Trump.

Donald Trump stood up for the US against NATO. In a related story, White House Chief of Staff, Gen. John Kelly, passed out with shock.

Experts say Donald Trump's wealth is below one billion and "Forbes" estimates Kylie Jenner is at one billion. Three years ago, if you had said Kylie Jenner would be richer than Donald Trump, but Donald Trump would be president, they would have locked you up.

Donald Trump accused Germany of being owned by Russia. That isn't just the pot calling the kettle black, that is the kettle calling the kettle a kettle.

In China, a teenage boy was sent to the hospital with a USB cord stuck in his penis. And I thought I was bad at following instructions.

Kylie Jenner has been named on "Forbes" list of self-made women. She was the first woman in the "My career was made by my step-sister's sex tape" category.

Kylie Jenner has been named on "Forbes" list of self-made women. "Self-made? Are you kidding me?" Asked Kylie's plastic surgeon.

Since you asked:

Have a college buddy who has won a couple of Emmys on several hit shows for his work as a sound engineer. He gave some great dirt. He said 90% of actors are wonderful, but the 10% who are awful - almost always the stars - are so bad he retired early to get away from them.

He named names, and there were not many surprises. He did say the sex and drugs go way beyond what most people would imagine. He did say George Clooney was a genuinely great guy. Katherine Heigl? Not so much. Had a staffer fired for misspelling her name.  

One of the things he did say that was interesting was that 80% of actors on a TV show have been underemployed for quite a while. Initially, they are delighted just to have a job, let alone be on a hit show. 

The problems start to occur during the second year when the actors come to view the job as too much work. The other thing you can notice on hit shows is how some of the actors were almost literally starving artists and you can easily see them enjoying to spoils of their profession. 

Food and booze abound on the sets of Hollywood. Part of a working actor’s job is to inform his broke friends when there are buffets and parties they can crash. Cocaine is so abundant that even when it is kept under the radar, it still surfaces by accident under the noses of stars in paparazzi photos.

A classic example of this was Kelsey Grammer on "Cheers." He started the show a fit, lean machine with a slightly receding hairline. Two years later, he was bloated, bald, red-faced and his voice was reduced to a barking rasp from all-nighters.

My stockbroker buddy who made it big in TV on "Babylon 5," RIP, Jerry Doyle, got in trouble with the whole town of Hollywood when he went to a bar with a writer from "Entertainment Weekly" and laughed at how easy being a TV star is compared to real jobs. 

Nothing to do on Sunday through Tuesday while the writers write. Wednesday is a table read hungover in sweats. Thursday is a couple hours of rehearsal. Friday walk-through, Saturday filming. On Saturdays he did not have to drive, they sent a car for him to make sure he was on time.

And that was during the 20 weeks or so they filmed episodes. The rest of the 32 weeks they have off. 

The theme I keep seeing in both comedians and actors is the ten and twenty-year overnight success stories. In my opinion as a comedy writer, Amy Schumer is a classic example of a Roseanne Barr/Tom Arnold/Jim Belushi success story. Somebody who blew up far beyond their abilities as a comedian or actor.

Amy Schumer was an overnight success story that took 15 years. She went from scrounging quarters in her couch to go to happy hour to being flown to her appearances in private jets and helicopters. 

To Schumer’s credit, on her show, she did feature her more talented friends, like Nikki Glaser,  Maria Bamford, and Jackie Monahan. 

(The reason I am not a fan of Amy Schumer is the 25-minute video of her blatantly stealing jokes for her stand up act and her show. Used to be Tig Notaro fan until she, well, for legal reasons, I best not say) 

How unfair is the meritocracy of the entertainment world?

Because her half-sister, Kim Kardashian, made a sex tape, and her mom, Kris Jenner, is a shrewd marketer and leaked it, Kylie Jenner is worth almost one billion dollars for her cosmetic company.

"Forbes" just told us so. 

Because they owned most of the songwriting credits and they founded the band and stuck with it, and they had successful solo careers, the Eagles’ Don Henley and Glenn Frey, (Glenn RIP) are worth about $200 to $100 million each. Incredibly wealthy, but way down from Kylie Jenner. 

The two bass players for the Eagles, Timothy B. Schmidt after “Hotel California,”  Randy Meisner up to “Hotel California,” are both worth around $10 million each. 

$10 million is a lot of money, it is just nowhere near the $200 to $100 million of their fellow bandmates. That seems unjust for a band that split everything evenly from the start. 

$200 to $100 million is gated estates in Malibu, Kauai and a penthouse on the Upper East Side of New York. Private jets. 4-star suites. A full-time limo driver. Private chefs.

$10 million is a nice ranch house with a guest cottage in the Hollywood Hills or Agora Hills and security for their immediate family. First class flights. Hyatts and Hiltons. A Tesla or two. Great restaurants. 

If Randy Meisner had not quit the Eagles, Timothy B. Schmidt, a wildly talented high singer, bass player and songwriter who wrote “I Can’t Tell You Why,” would probably still be playing with his old band, Poco, for about $75,000 a year.  (When he joined the Eagles, Timothy was making $200 a week with Poco according to Glenn Frey in "History of the Eagles")   

$75,000 a year is a dingy apartment in Santa Monica and a Prius. Southwest Airlines and Airbnb. Islands for dinner. 

Timothy B. Schmidt, while doing what he loves, has all the talent in the world. Beautiful voice, great bass player, and a talented songwriter. Good looking guy, too. 

Kylie Jenner has no identifiable talent at all. None. She doesn’t sing, dance, act or model. She is pretty, but not prettier than the average porn star. Much work done. 

And yet the difference between Kylie Jenner and Timothy B. Schmidt is about one billion dollars.   

The only people who say money does not matter are rich people. 

Tuesday, July 10, 2018

Sniffy Day has gone the way of the Buffalo, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

There was a brush fire in LA's Griffith Park. But don't worry, it was put out by the tears of actors rejected at an audition hiking nearby.

Croatia versus England will be exciting. It is where they film "Game of Thrones" against where they film "Game of Thrones."

What's the big deal about Stephen Miller? I once threw $80 of sushi away. No, wait, that was $8 of slushies.

Throwing $80 worth of sushi away in a hissy fit from an insult is the most Stephen Miller thing Stephen Miller has done in a long-ass time.

Sarah Palin said she was tricked into an interview with comedian Sacha Baron Cohen. To be fair, tricking Sarah Palin is about as hard as seeing Russia from her house.

Sarah Palin said she was tricked into an interview with comedian Sacha Baron Cohen. What really upset her is Cohen also got Bristol Palin pregnant again.

France defeated Belgium 1-0 to go to the finals. In the end, as awesome as waffles and chocolate are, they're no match for wine and cheese.

He's OK, but George Clooney on his motorcycle hit a car at 60, his helmet cracked the windshield and he flew 20 feet in the air. Clooney said it was the worst experience he has had since he read the reviews for "Batman and Robin."

It is Cow Appreciation Day. Or as they call that in Wisconsin: Date Night.

In Utah, a teacher was caught selling meth from her car. That is shocking. A teacher could afford a car?

He’s OK, but George Clooney's motorcycle hit a car at 60, his helmet cracked the windshield and he flew 20 feet. George described the incident as just as terrifying as the time he dated a woman his age.

France beat Belgium on a corner kick. When there is a set-piece goal, you can almost hear Alexi Lalas pumping the Jergens lotion bottle.

In Utah, a teacher was caught selling meth from her car. The thing about buying meth from a teacher is, if you do not do it right the first time, they make you do it again.

Belgium is playing France in the semi-finals. This game it will be harder to score than a guy who drives a Prius with a Kardashian.

In Utah, a teacher was caught selling meth from her car. Asked to comment, the teacher said, "If you can come up with a better way to keep students awake in Art History, I am all ears."

Porn sites are reporting far less traffic during the World Cup. It seems guys just cannot get in the mood for porn when they constantly hear the word flopping.

A Thai Cave Rescue is like any other cave rescue except with egg noodles and a lot more spice.

George Clooney's motorcycle crash in Italy was serious. He hit the car going 60, his helmet cracked the windshield and he was hurled 20 feet. Clooney said the experience was still preferable to dating a woman his age.

Donald Trump said his meeting with Vladimir Putin will be the easiest of all the European leaders. Well, sure, all Trump has to do is fill out his employee satisfaction survey.

The good news is 12 boys and their coach are out of the cave in Thailand. All that is left is for Donald Trump to tweet how their getting trapped was Hillary Clinton's fault.

It is great they got all 12 boys out of the cave in Thailand, although I cannot say I approve of their method: telling the boys Selena Gomez was waiting for them at the entrance. 

It is hot DC. Donald Trump talked to Melania about Stormy Daniels just for the icy stare.

He’s OK, but George Clooney's motorcycle crash in Italy was serious. He hit the car going 60, his helmet cracked the windshield and he was hurled 20 feet.

IHOP changed their name to International House of Burgers, has gone back to IHOP. Now they are IHOPQ, for questioning.

It is hot in LA, Harvey Weinstein went to a #MeToo meeting just to get the cold shoulder.

He’s OK, but George Clooney was slightly injured in a minor motorcycle accident in Italy. So for two hours, you had it better than George Clooney.

It is so hot in LA, there are reports of people going to see the John Travolta movie, "Gotti," just for the air conditioning.

The 12 soccer players and their coach are free. It was a scary swim. Being soccer players, they were not allowed to use their hands.

It has been so hot in LA, Roseanne Barr went over to Will Smith's house just to get the cold shoulder.

Since you asked:

Well into my eye-guzzling session of “Glow.” Very good. Marc Maron is awesome as the burned-out, coked-up, bitter director. Everyone is good, especially Allison Brie. Big fan of the Allison Brie from her “Funny or Die” pieces. Especially the one with “Bad Dog.” And her boyfriend Dave Franco and Olivia Munn. "What can brown do for you?"   

Love the Hollywood trend of Hollywood playing Hollywood. “Curb Your Enthusiasm,” to “Nobodies,” to "Maron," to “You’re the Worst,” to “Love,” to “Barry.” And "Glow." 

Nothing makes actors happier than playing themselves as actors. Especially if they’re now-rich actors playing themselves as then-broke actors.  

It is remarkable how many actors from all of these shows pop up in all of these shows. And many from “Funny or Die” clips. 

Big shot Hollywood actors, like Mark-Paul Gosselaar and Melissa McCarthy in “Nobodies,” can be great sports about making fun of themselves as long as everyone understands they are being great sports about making fun of themselves.

So bummed "Nobodies" did not get picked up for season three. It is every bit as good as "Barry," but nobody gets shot. That is probably what killed it. 

Monday, July 09, 2018

This just in:

The total is eight boys freed from the Thailand cave, four more to go. People have not been this relieved to see little boys escape since a judge ordered Michael Jackson's Neverland Ranch closed.

This also just in, but not as just in as the first one:

Donald Trump will meet Vladimir Putin in Finland in July. Or as Putin is calling it: an employer-employee team-building retreat.

Saturday, July 07, 2018

Want some, got some, had some, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

Scott Pruitt resigned from the EPA. It turns out he thought EPA stood for Egregious Pilfering Allowed.

Pruitt wanted to spend more time ripping-off people in the private sector.

In Kentucky, the collapse of a whiskey warehouse caused 120,000 gallons of whiskey to pour into a storage pond. It caused people in a two-mile radius to act like they were from Florida.

The spill caused a traffic jam and the engagement of 43 pairs of cousins.

It is hot in LA. People are sweating like Harvey Weinstein watching "The Shawshank Redemption."

Russia losing to Croatia in penalty kicks is an example of what a cruel sport soccer can be. Another example is we are stuck with Alexi Lalas as an announcer.

In order for Russia to have beaten Croatia, they would have had to play half as great as Alexi Lalas thinks he was.

212 people have been sickened from a parasite in a Del Monte vegetable trey. The number of people sickened by Krispy Kreme donuts remains at Zero.

Since you asked:

"Fox Sports" soccer announcer Alexi Lalas is arguably the most unlikeable sports broadcaster since Howard Cosell used to strap a beaver pelt on his head and call it a toupee.

People giving me a hard time for suddenly hating on Alexi Lalas. Not true. I’ve hated on him since he had that long, scraggly goat beard and wore the hair band. 

Alexi Lalas puts the suffer in insufferable. Alexi Lalas is what being unspeakably rude to a waitress would be if it could wear a suit.

The problem many Americans have with soccer - with the guys with one name, the man-buns, the endless flopping, the diva behavior and the whining to the refs - is that soccer looks snotty, pretentious, prissy and arrogant. Snotty, pretentious, prissy and arrogant is Alexi Lalas behind a desk. 

Alexi Lalas was the son of rich parents in Birmingham, MI, who went to the same exclusive private school as Mitt Romney, Cranbrook. (Right down the street from my Aunt and Uncle Bill and Mary Schoen)

Lalas was an above average defender in the mid '90's at a time before the US women's team with Mia Hamm made soccer popular in the US.  

In the interest of full disclosure, I know a guy who used to play with Alexi and he disclosed, in no uncertain terms, what a complete bitchy ass-hat tool Lalas is. (And this guy was his own traveling roadshow in terms of ego, so Alexi really had to be something)  

And here is a dirty little secret about Alexi some do not know because he is clever about it: Lalas has either a combover or a toupee or both. 

Lalas began noticeably losing his feathers four years ago. Now, all of a sudden he has this sweeping coverage?  

Like I have said with Trump, there is nothing wrong with someone going bald. But when a guy wakes up and decides to cover it up, either sweeping his long hair on one side or a toupee, and thinks they can get away with it, something in their soul dies.

Alexi Lalas is the embodiment of a bitter ex-jock whose ego has grown out of control. He needs to go away. He is terrible for the image of soccer. 

Dear World Cup players: 

When you flop to the ground and writhe like a trout, make a concerted effort to grab the body part that was at least in the proximity of where the player slightly grazed you.

Friday, July 06, 2018

Brazil was upset by Belgium 2-1. After the game, there was an awkward moment when someone tried to console Neymar with a pat on the back and he flopped to the ground.

We are in a heat wave. People are sweating like the Nike factory foreman in Thailand missing the 12 kids in the cave.

James Woods claims his agent dropped him because he supports Trump. And Scott Baio's agent did not return his calls because it's not 1985.

We are in a serious heat wave. Across the US, people are sweating like Sarah Huckabee Sanders taking a lie detector test.

We are in a heat wave. People are sweating like Joey Chestnut running out of toilet paper on July 5th.

Since you asked:

There is nothing about the disgusting sleaziness and comparisons to a cesspool about Ohio Rep. Jim Jordan and the Ohio State wrestling program that surprises me.

Let me brag a little bit. 

I’ve been lucky to fall in love with, and be pretty good at, several sports, football, Decathlon, basketball, mini-triathlons, snowboarding, windsurfing and stand up paddleboard surfing. 

But the sport I was the best at by far was wrestling. As a kid, my friends would not wrestle with me, even the few my size, Howie Detmer, Jeff Lipe and Steve Lewis. It was no fun for them because I always won. 

In 7th grade, I was on the 8th-grade wrestling team which had never happened before. Not only was I on the team, but I was always wrestling kids in higher weight groups. 

And I wasn’t just undefeated, I was winning in 30 seconds. My coach, who may have been biased, made thinly veiled comparisons to the great gold medalist, Dan Gable. 

When I wrestled, it was as if someone was telling me into a microphone in my ear what the guy was doing next. Except easier. It was like I was in their head. 

Then one match, our coach - Mr. Dumas, a great guy and a great coach and an All-American wrestler at Northwestern - put me up against a heavyweight, forty pounds heavier than me, just so we would not forfeit the match. Mr. Dumas thought it would be good practice for me to lose since I had never lost.

This corn-fed moron was a fat, freckled, ugly, smelly Illinois farm boy who reeked like week-old sushi. Spent the entire match under his fetid swamp of an armpit. He threw me around like a rag doll, but he did not pin me and I quit wrestling on the spot.  

Wrestling is a disgusting sport of skin abrasions, sweat, funk, body odor and bruises. Latent homosexuality abounds. Why wouldn’t it? Only guys who really like to rub up against other guys really love the sport. Personally, I hated wrestling, I just happened to be a natural at it. Like a duck in the water, as Forest Gump said of ping pong.

Any adult involved in high school or college wrestling is under serious suspicion in my book. Yes, there are good coaches like my Mr. Dumas. On the other hand, I bet all of the wrestling coaches at my high school were closeted molesters. One, whom I know for sure was a closeted molester, name rhymed with Boy Day. 

Anyone who wants a look into the potential creepy sleaziness and weirdos involved in wrestling just has to see the movie about world-class psycho, John DuPont in "Foxcatcher." 

There have been two wrestling coaches in politics, Illinois Congressman Dennis Hastert, who was speaker of the house and in prison for over a year as a serial child molester, and Jim Jordan, who, as we are finding out more about him, is turning out to be a renowned scumbag and liar.

As a coach, it is horrible enough to ignore your athlete's charges of sexual assault, but Jordan doubled-up and lied about it. 

Thursday, July 05, 2018

Hope you all had a good Fourth of July. Or as Donald Trump calls the Fourth of July, "My birthday plus 20."

The Mueller FBI investigation, Stormy Daniels lawsuit, the charity fraud lawsuit, 14 sexual assault accusers, Kim Jong Un treaty breaking, Chinese and Canadian trade wars, Michael Cohen flipping.

It's no wonder Donald Trump only has time to start a Twitter war with Jimmy Fallon.

EPA head, Scott Pruitt resigned. Pruitt said it was an honor protecting the environment, then he got in his private jet fueled by fossilized snow-leopard bones and flew to his oil wells in Oklahoma.

EPA head Scott Pruitt resigned. He wants to spend more time with his business venture with DeVille making coats out of puppy Dalmatian fur.

Now that Scott Pruitt has resigned, Donald Trump has the hard job of replacing Pruitt with someone who dislikes the environment almost as much. His candidates include Godzilla and Lex Luthor.

Actor James Woods claims his liberal agent fired him because he is a Trump supporter. "Well that was stupid of the agent to do, James Woods is a hot, A-list actor," said the year 1990.

The man accused of covering up sexual harassment at "Fox News," Bill Shine, has been named the White House communications director. Shine will be working closely with Sarah Huckabee Sanders, so sexual harassment is not expected to be a problem.

As for his predecessor, Hope Hicks, Shine said, “Hope will be a hard ass to follow, err, I mean hard act to follow.” 

Since you asked:

It would seem the mystery of the sudden French infatuation (700 hits just yesterday) with my blog has been figured out one way or the other. There are two most logical explanations. 

The first one is somebody in France who is researching Charlie Manson got ahold of my 2009 piece “Welcome to the Hotel Charlie Manson” which ties Chuck and the incestuous world of drugs, sex and rock and roll in LA in 1967. 

Charlie Manson was many awful things, but a liar was not one of them. He was honest to his own detriment. So when Charlie admits to having sex with people, I believe him. And that included Jane Fonda - who has herself admitted it many times - and Candice Bergen and Sharon Tate and on and on. In the orgy-cocaine and acid scene of Laurel Canyon in 1967, Charlie, with the help of his girls and biker-supplied cocaine, was a regular.  

And someone in France is reading it over and over again.

Or, more likely, my blog was linked to a live sex chat room called “Camp Paradise” that is frequented by French folks. (We do not judge here at a.L.b.b.) 

Wednesday, July 04, 2018

You got to do the do to the voodoo that you do do, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

A study claims drinking 7 cups of coffee a day decreases your chances of dying by 16%. Makes sense. Active shooters don't usually check the bathrooms.

It's that time of year when Ed. Sec. Betsy DeVos says, 

"Wow, the Fourth of July came early this year."

More sexual assault charges have been brought against both Kevin Spacey and Harvey Weinstein. Once again begging the question: how does Hollywood have enough time to make a movie?

Joey Chestnut is once again the favorite to win the Nathan's Hot Dog Eating Contest. This guy goes through more wieners than a Kardashian at the Grammys  

In Australia, a video shows a woman getting her finger bitten while feeding a shark. She is fine, but I think we all learned something: sharks do not need help being fed.

Since you asked:

CNN stands for Commercial Needless Nightmares. 

CNN’s commercials are a nightmare. How can CNN be so obviously deeply concerned about the quality of their content and not give a flying hump at a rolling donut about the overall viewing experience of their viewers? Some of their shows are 30% commercials so that means 30% of their show sucks.

And they pay top dollar to have top broadcasters like Wolf Blitzer and Jake Tapper and Don Lemon.  

Their daytime commercials are all about getting cancer and not being able to afford to get it. Clearly, CNN just gives their commercial time to the top payer. And during one of my favorite shows, Anthony Bourdain (RIP) “Parts Unknown” they will repeat a commercial about a CNN show three times in a row. 

Maybe make a little less money and show a commercial that is actually watchable. Take into consideration the entire viewing experience from beginning to end. It reminds me of when you buy a product that has impossible-to-open packaging. It's as if the manufacturer is right there telling you,

“We have your money, we don’t care how annoying it is.”  

It happened again. This time over 700 hits on this blog from France. Can someone please explain why this blog is playing so well in France? Please email me and tell me.