Wednesday, March 14, 2018

Eff that ess right in the bee, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

In a huge defeat for Donald Trump, democrat Conor Lamb was elected to congress in Pennsylvania. Trump is calling Lamb’s win “Fake Ewes.”

Donald Trump appointed Mike Pompeo Sec. of State. Pompeo was the head of the CIA. The CIA’s historic arch enemy was Russia’s KGB. Russian President, Vladimir Putin, was the head of the KGB. What could possibly go wrong with this arrangement?

A family claims United Airlines stuffed their dog in an overhead bin and the dog did not make it. Spirit Airlines would have charged them a Pet Euthanasia fee. 

Fantasy Baseball leagues play 162 games. And I have just figured out how to end sexual harassment. Make all men join a Fantasy Baseball League because no Fantasy Baseball player has ever talked to a woman let alone harassed one.

The World Series champion Houston Astros visited the White House on Monday. And, today, Donald Trump fired the Houston Astros.

Donald Trump is in San Diego touring the border wall prototypes. But I am not sure how good the wall prototypes are. The only thing they’ve kept out of San Diego are the Chargers.

Ed. Sec. Betsy DeVos criticized teachers today on Twitter. It might have been more effective if Betsy had spelled educator without the K.

Ed. Sec. Betsy DeVos criticized teachers today on Twitter. Teachers did not like it. Today after school, Betsy has to write “I will not tweet against teachers” 100 times on the chalk board.

Donald Trump fired his Sec. of State, Rex Tillerson, with a tweet. He had to use a tweet. Trump was busy stretching out so he did not pull a muscle when he runs into a building with an active shooter. 

Since you asked:

In my opinion, the three greatest rock albums of all time, “Layla and Other Assorted Love Songs,” “Exile on Main Street,” and “Led Zeppelin IV,”  have one huge common denominator: they were all recorded in a communal environment in a grand estate.

“Layla” and “Led IV” were both largely created in grand old English estates, Led in a Headley Grange and at Derek and the D’s at Clapton’s Hurtwood Edge. And you can really hear the old stone hallway on “When the Levy Breaks.” And “Layla” is the ultimate stadium song and has the teeth to stand up to a castle too.

“Exile” was recorded in a posh villa formerly occupied by the Nazis in the South of France in a town filled with real pirates and that can be heard on that album too.  

These albums were the result of the producer, the musicians and the engineers eating, drinking, partying, sleeping and jamming together. “The Foo Fighters” did that too on their last album. 

Anyone who has been to a great concert knows how amazing that experience is. Anyone who has listened to a recording of a concert knows how bad that is. Between the crowd noise and bad acoustics, something is lost. And studios are famously boring places to play.

The mobile sound truck used for both “Exile” and “Led iV” was the same one. “Layla” was recorded in Criterion Studios in Miami, but the songs were mostly finished, they just added Duane Allman’s slide guitar.   

The last thing that happens when bands break up - from  the Beatles to the Eagles - is when the egos get too big and they start taking separate limos and doing their recordings on their own in the studio. Part of that is a symptom of wealth, because it is much cheaper to record everyone together. 

When everybody lives together, the album comes together like a huge pan of Paella, all melded together. 

So why doesn’t someone do that with a movie? 

And I don’t mean just an ensemble of actors, that happens all the time. Write the movie together with the writers and the actors. When Larry David films “Curb Your Enthusiasm,” he just writes the scenario. For example, your reserved table at a restaurant was taken by your snotty neighbor. Then he lets his actors wing it.

The best scenes in “Caddy Shack” were Bill Murray improvising with hitting the flowers and his scene with Chevy Chase. (In real life they hated each other, so they were competitive to see who could be funnier)  

Stick about four comedy writers and ten comedian/actors, the film crew in a nice resort area where everyone has their own room, but it has a common dining/bar area and a nice lake or ocean and go. 

I’ll be waiting on your call. Hear the phone ring. Just a friend of mine who says, hey, what’s the matter man? 

It is important to stay positive and have kind words for everyone. But what fun is that? Sometimes you want to sling the dirt. And what better way to sling the dirt than with a feature I like to call:

“Hollywood Hypocrites.”

Everyone knows how the awful people in Hollywood are, Sean Penn, Val Kilmer, Barbra, Bruce Willis.

But the fun ones out unveil are the Hollywood Hypocrites who portray themselves on screen as down-to-earth, but are genuine assholes.

Lisa Kudrow. A friend’s 10-year-old daughter was rudely turned down for a selfie.

John Cusack. Seems like a good Chicago boy, like Vince Vaughn, right? Wrong. He is one of those  who tells his assistant, “Tell them not talk to me.”

Jeremy Piven. See John Cusack.

Eric Clapton. You can blame this on the fact that he is an ugly drunk and was drunk for almost all of the 70’s, 80’s and ’90’s. 

John Lennon. Yes, he died being nice and giving an autograph to the guy who shot him, but many say this was ironically one of the only times he was nice to a fan. To date he is the only drunk kicked out of the bar at The Troubador in LA and Jim Morrison used to urinate on the floor.

Robert Redford. We all want to believe he is as nice as real good guy, Paul Newman, but Double R, as he called himself, is a rude, arrogant jerk. And rumor has it he had a horrific cocaine addiction. 

Bob Seagren. This is for the few people who loved track in the ’60’s and the subsequent “Superstars,” like me. Talked to him after a 10K run in San Diego and he could not have been more of a prick.

Michael Irvin. He should be in prison for sexual assault. And, even more unforgivable, he was rude to me at the Super Bowl in ’03. 

Shaun White. Talked to him and Park City and he could not be more pompous and full himself even though there is not much to himself. I.e. he is really short. And a jerk. A short jerk.

Wednesday, March 07, 2018

Another winter storm has hit the East. It is so cold, people are shaking like Sam Nunberg hearing pounding on his door.

If there was any justice, this latest winter Nor’easter would be called Stormy Daniels. But if there was any justice, Kobe Bryant would not have one more Oscar than Richard Burton. 

The man who tried to steal Francis McDormand’s Oscar, Terry Bryant, will be arraigned on felony grand theft. Apparently the inclusion rider does not include kleptomaniacs.  

Donald Trump’s top economic advisor, Gary Cohn, has resigned. In a related story, they have installed a revolving door in the front of the White House.

Donald Trump’s top economic advisor, Gary Cohn, has resigned and he is being sued by porn star, Stormy Daniels. This is not rearranging deck chairs on the Titanic, this is Capt. Smith announcing, “Don’t worry about that iceberg, we’re going to Hawaii.” 

Another huge snowstorm has hit much of the country. And in California, it got so cool, some people turned off their ceiling fans.

Rumor has it Donald Trump imposed the steel tariff in fury over another issue. That’s not like Trump to cover up a problem with something else. Oh, right. His hair.

Since you asked:

Like many people, I had good luck with teachers. Unfortunately, because teachers are so underpaid, the majority of teachers become teachers for all the right reasons. Although there were a few “teachers” who doing it for the job security, i.e. tenure, but mostly they were drivers education teachers and gym teachers.

My high school advisor, Morris Barfield, an Algebra teacher, was a living saint. He not only is responsible for my graduating from high school despite setting a record for under achieving that probably still stands. He also was such a good and kind human that he taught me anyone who would be racist against him was evil. 

When I had to pass a tough commodities math exam to get my commodities license as a broker, I promised myself I would call Mr. Barefield and thank him for all he did for me if I passed. 

I did and I did. 

To this day, I can remember Mr. Barefield choking up on the phone with gratitude. Besides telling my mom and dad how much I loved them when they were going through a rough time with my troubled brother, it was the best phone call I ever made.

And my creative writing teacher at the Harvard-of-the-South Bay, Cal. State Long Beach, Mr. Walthers, a certified hippy, taught me how fun writing could be with his boundless and infectious enthusiasm for both writing and reading. 

And I had the greatest harmonica teacher who ever lived, Paco Shipp. Paco turned an enthusiastic, but utterly unversed  in technique harmonica player into an actual - on rare occasions - professional harmonica player.  

But one of the biggest a-holes I have ever met was a professor of rhetoric at UCSB. He was an unmitigated sadistic egomaniac named Roland Quimby. 

Roland Quimby was too smart not to know what he was teaching, ancient rhetoric, was utterly useless, so he taught it to us out of spite with an ugly vengeance. And he had been at UCSB so long, his job was ironclad, no matter how much we students hated him.

And we hated him with a passion. 

With the mask of a gentle, bearded white-haired pipe-smoking professor, Roland Quimby cruelly tortured students with his impossibly rigid and punitive methods. If you did not parrot what he said, he gave you an F. 

Once he actually gave me an F Minus. Until that time, I had no idea F-minuses existed. 

One of the more useless things Quimby forced us to learn was an utterly bullshit rhetorical device which he alleged you could use to answer any question of any topic, no matter how complex, simply by a cheesy trick of rephrasing the question in a positive or negative way.  

On the opposite side of the humorless and useless Quimby is the awesome humorist, Calvin Trillen, who joked any question can be answered sufficiently to appear intelligent - despite the clear lack of knowledge -  with either, “It is too close to call,” or “It is too soon to tell.” 

Sarah Huckabee Sanders appears to be versed in both schools, but more in the Roland Quimby school of asshole rhetoric. 

Press: "Is it true respected economist, Gary Cohn, quit because Donald Trump ignored his advice not to put a tariff on steel?"

SHS: "Gary Cohn's resignation has specifically not anything to do with Donald Trump's tariff on steel."

Sarah doesn't even have to know or care to know who Gary Cohn is or what a steel tariff is. She just spews out a response to make Trump look good.

SHS answers any and all questions from the press with a useless rhetorical device of claiming Trump knowingly did the right thing no matter how stupid and awful the thing he actually did.

And Donald Trump once defended Nazis. 

Tuesday, March 06, 2018

Another winter storm has hit much of the Northeast. It is so cold, people were shaking like Sam Nunberg waking up hungover realizing he did all those interviews drunk.

An Australian man found a 132-year-old message in a bottle. The message just said, “Tell Sting this would make a great song,” signed, Larry King.” 

The good news is North Korea has invited South Korean diplomats for a dinner. The bad news it is BYOD. Bring Your Own Dachshund. 

Between Sam Nunberg, Stephen Miller, Steve Bannon and Omarosa, you can’t help but be impressed by the people Donald Trump chooses. Just kidding. We’re screwed.

Today is National Oreo Day. Fun fact: did you know lining up a trial of Oreos to the podium is how they get Sarah Huckabee Sanders to talk to the press? 

One of the most impressive rookies at the NFL combine is linebacker, Shaquem Griffin, who has one hand. Even the scouts were giving him a High-Zero. 

The President of China declared himself president-for-life and Donald Trump thinks he should too. Interesting from a guy who might not be president-for-the-next-news-cycle.

Happy National Oreo Day, the 107th anniversary of the Oreo cookie. Finally something even the Trump White House can unscrew.

Happy National Oreo Day. Between porn star, Stormy Daniels and “Playboy” Playmate, Karen McDougal, Even if it is just an Oreo, it will be nice to have Trump unscrew something for a change. 

Since you asked: 

Do I really need to point out the difference between George Clooney and the rest of us? But it is really the difference between when someone has luck going their way, so it just keeps going and going. And going.

Luck likes luck. 

George and his drinking buddy, Rande Gerber, who, speaking of luck. happens to be married to Cindy Crawford, decide to go drinking down in Cabo San Lucas. 

Personally, I have been to Cabo San Lucas at least ten times. Two windsurfing trips, a trip with my wife, Virginia and friends, two bachelor parties and the rest boys trips. 

Cabo San Lucas is magical. It is at the tip of a Peninsula with the Sea of Cortez on one side and the Pacific Ocean on the other. Cabo San Lucas has a magical old Hollywood-like stuck-in-the-50’s feel to it.  

What kind of magic does Cabo San Lucas hold? A buddy of mine was staying at a hotel, Dos Delfines, (two dolphins) on the beach. The hotel was nice but not too expensive, and my buddy was sitting out by the pool with his girlfriend. Who walks out to the pool wearing a big black hat, a leopard-skin cape, a cane for looks and a Speedo? Keith Richards clutching with his own personal bottle of Jack Daniels. My friend asks Keith for a shot, Keith happily pours one for him.

That’s Cabo. 

So George and Rande - with a fricken E - go down there, go out to a nice restaurant and start talking to the bartender. He offers them a shot of their own homemade tequila. It is good. They buy a few bottles. They decide to make more. They build a small distillery. They call the tequila Casamigos. 

Long story short, George and Rande’s mom and pop tequila company they started for fun on vacation, Casamigos, gets bought out for about one billion dollars.

Like I said, I have been to Cabos ten times. Have had crazy times at the Giggling Marlin, Squid Row and Cabo Wabo, the joint owned by Sammy Hagar. But the most fun is always at small, local bars.

Ran into a UCSB track buddy and we had a foot race in front of the Giggling Marlin which I won despite cutting my foot on a broken beer bottle. Went windsurfing up the road at Los Barrilles, (the barrels) where dolphins breached alongside my board. 

But to the best of my recollection, I did not go out drinking one night and end up selling a tequila company for one billion dollars. 

Sunday, March 04, 2018

Nobody was hurt, but Mammoth Mountain, CA had a huge avalanche. Donald Trump said he would have run into the avalanche without a shovel.

Nobody was hurt, but Mammoth CA had a huge avalanche. When she heard about something that powerful and white, Hope Hicks began dating the avalanche.

Roger Bannister, the man who first broke the four-minute mile barrier, passed away at 88. Well so much for running being good for you.

A study claims California has the lowest quality of life. Oprah had no comment while she was basking in her gold bathtub sipping cabernet on a cliff over-looking the ocean during a 74 degree sunset in February in Santa Barbara.

A study claims California has the lowest quality of life. “This is great news,”  said the New York man kicked out of his squalid $5,000-a-month apartment by an infestation of roaches.

It is the one-year anniversary of a San Francisco man biting the finger off a bartender who would not serve him, and the police have no leads. They had a hot tip, but they lost it.  

Donald Trump had a line of steaks, a brand of vodka and four casinos fail. This guy could not sell eating meat, gambling and drinking to Americans. If he owned a brothel he could cure sex addiction.

A California couple was arrested for child abuse for living with their three children in a feces and urine filled box in the dessert for four years. On the bright side, now we know where Heidi Montag and Spencer Pratt are.

Failed Senate candidate, Roy Moore is broke and asking for money to defend himself against a charge of pedophilia. Anyone looking to donate to Moore, call 1-800-Poor-Perv.

Failed Senate candidate, Roy Moore is broke and asking for money for legal expenses. For some reason, teenage girls are not lining up to pay for rides on Roy’s horse, Sassy, like they used to.

Since you asked: 

Do you want to know how much Spirit Airlines hates customers? Spirit Airlines is well known for canceling flights that are not full using the bullet-proof excuse of mechanical problems. 

One night in Fort Lauderdale, a couple years ago, they cancelled nine flights claiming sudden mechanical difficulties on nine different planes all at once. This left hundreds of passengers stranded over night without any compensation from Spirit for hotels. In addition, the Spirit employees at the gate were so rude to the passengers, fights broke out between the Spirit employees and the stranded passengers and police had to be called. 

One of the biggest group of a-holes I have ever seen? The parents of the Chino, CA Legends Girls U-’98 soccer team. They had a bleach-blonde team mom who would stand on our side and swear at our girls and the ref. She was on our side, so if she got a red card, it would go against us. 

One time one our girls came off the field to tell us she, the Legends U-’98 team mom, called her the C-word. She was 14 at the time. 

The Legend parents all cheered when one of our girls got hurt. 

One time at a tournament in Danville, a Legends’ little weasel dad asked us how we were able to upset the Surf when our team was so bad? And, no, I did not punch him, but I genuinely wished I had. 

The kids were fine on the Legends, not like the Slammers who are the most aptly named team in sports. The Legends parents proved, once again, there is nothing more intolerable than snotty, white trash.

At a time when we have never had more a-holes, most people do not think they're an a-hole. But if you were a parent of either the Slammers or Legends Girls U-'98 teams? You're an a-hole.

Or if you're employed by Spirit Airlines.

One of the best life-hacks there is for guys is shaving in the shower. Have not bought a can of shaving cream in 30 years. And those disposable four-blade razors last forever because your beard gets so soft in the shower. 

Friday, March 02, 2018

I'm walkin' here, I'm walkin' here, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

A stylist who has made sexual assault charges against Ryan Seacrest had her claims verified by a co-worker. This is shocking. Ryan Seacrest is straight?

Hope Hicks has resigned as White House Communications Director. Sean Spicer, Anthony Scaramucci, Hope Hicks. Even ISIS is wondering why Trump can’t keep a spokesperson.

“US News & World Report” claims California has the lowest quality of life. This report was by someone who has not seen a weather report in February.

Oprah said she asked god if she should run for president, and god has not answered back. “Hey, it’s the off-season, give me a break,” said Tom Brady.

The CEO of Sea World has resigned. Without his Sea World job, it will be tough for his life to have porpoise. 

The CEO of Sea World has resigned. And instead of a golden parachute, he gets a lifetime supply of sardines.

Donald Trump’s son-in-law, Jared Kushner, just had his security clearance downgraded. In addition, his Costco membership is under review.

Donald Trump’s son-in-law, Jared Kushner, just had his security clearance downgraded. No more Taco Tuesdays in the Situation Room.

The CEO of Sea World has resigned. The sickest part? He is going to work for Red Lobster.

A report claims the biggest reason candidates are not picked for “The Bachelor” is herpes. The biggest reason candidates are picked for “The Bachelor”? Lying about herpes.

Tuesday, February 27, 2018

"You did it, baby. The book is excellent, the writing brilliant. You tried to bring kindness to chaos, which was your way. #IllBeGoneInTheDark #MichelleMcNamara"

Despite having a huge excuse not to be, that I cannot get into, I am a big fan of the Patton Oswalt. Today, I found this particularly touching. Inspiring story for anyone who has had to battle their way through the darkness. 

Best beware of the Bad Falquune, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

Today is National Pancake Day. What a coincidence, because Hope Hicks is about to flip.

Hope Hicks is testifying to the House Intelligence Committee. She’s going to testify to the Intelligence Committee that Eric Trump does not have any.

Due to the Parkland shooting, companies are dropping the NRA like rats from a sinking ship. Today Blockbuster Video dropped the NRA, and they’re not even a company anymore.

Jimmy Kimmel was on “Ellen” and cried during a touching tribute to his son, Billy. Of course, getting Jimmy Kimmel to cry is about as hard as getting Harvey Weinstein to sweat. 

Delta and United are dropping discounts for NRA members following the Parkland shootings. Spirit Airlines did not drop the NRA, but they are charging more to store automatic weapons in the overhead bin.

At the PyeongChang Olympics, they handed out over three condoms a day to athletes. Six condoms a day to those slutty Curlers. 

At a fashion show in Milan, they used drones instead of models to present their purses. These are the first drones to be powered by champagne and cocaine.

The PyeongChang Winter Olympics Closing ceremonies were touching. Particularly that one part where the US men’s hockey team gave the US men’s curling team wedgies. 

Since you asked:

"Marvelous" Marvin Hagler Had a Bearded Doppelgänger Orator 

One of the greatest exercising tips there is was given by one of the Winter Olympic athletes, forget which one. (Might have been my gal, Jessie "Diggin' Dawg" Diggins) 

When you are thinking about bailing-out on your aerobic workout, just do it for ten minutes. Anybody can endure anything for ten minutes, except maybe for watching “Keeping Up with the Kardashians.”

After ten minutes you can quit. One of the things it took me forever to learn is that ten minutes of exercise is ten times better than doing nothing. Like many people, I thought if I could not do the whole workout, forget it. 

That is stupid.

Besides, after ten minutes, the worst is over, you’re warmed up and chances are you feel good and will just go ahead and finish your regular workout. 

From time to time, I have been able to get in the habit of getting my aerobic workout in early in the morning. 

When I lived in New York, I would run laps around Washington Square Park (half-a-block from my studio apartment) for three miles or, if really motivated, down and around the (1983) World Trade Center and back for five miles.

What I found out was running in the morning made me feel so good, many times I would work out again in the afternoon. Without planning it, I was doing two-a-days. 

Stopping for a pop, a snort, a stiff one, a bevy, a crotchtail, a bowl of loud-mouth soup, after work on Wall Street in the early ‘80's was almost a given. Not doing it made you antisocial. But bailing on the right of passage is what I would have to do to get a workout in. Running in the morning freed me up to be a friendly coworker.  

One morning, I woke to the usual 5:00 AM darkness to run three miles around Washington Square Park. None of the usual suspects were out running, which surprised me. When I got back, I looked at the clock to discover it was 3:00 AM. Went back to sleep.

That was a stupid and boring story. Why did I mention that? 

How about this? One day running around Washington Square Park, I accidentally stepped on a pigeon. Miraculously, it was OK. 

Hell, that story is almost just as bad.

OK, how about this one: many mornings on my Washington Square run, there was a muscular shirtless - no matter how cold - bald black man with a long beard who resembled boxer Marvin Hagler, who would give a speech on a soap box. One day I stopped to listen to his deep baritone diatribe and, yeah, he was bat-poop crazy.

Then, a year later, I moved from New York to San Diego. Drove to Balboa Park to play on my Shearson Lehman basketball team in the broker league, and who was giving a speech in front of the gym? Crazy Shirtless Marvin Hagler. 

Asked him if he was the guy from Washington Square Park just to be sure, and he was.

The point is, exercise for ten minutes. And try not to waste people’s time with crappy stories of 3:00 AM runs and stepping on pigeons. 

But the Hagler stuff is OK. 

Sunday, February 25, 2018

A Legend in the Booth with Hank Azaria (Gamechangers Ep 3)

In anticipation of celebrating the Olympic Closing Ceremony, two Russian athletes tested positive for Viagra. The weirdest part? They were women.

Ivanka Trump will be at the Winter Olympics Closing Ceremonies. There’s no truth to the rumor the shirtless Tonga guy is missing and Ivanka tested positive for coconut oil.

Porn Star, Stormy Daniels, told TMZ she will not make a Donald Trump parody porn. But they had a title picked out: “Comb-over to My Place.” 

Porn Star, Stormy Daniels, told TMZ she will not make a Donald Trump parody porn. They could not come up with a name. “Beauty and the Beast” has been taken.

Russia, not allowed to compete in the Olympics due to cheating, had athletes deemed clean competing unattached. And yet two Russian athletes still cheated. Which explains the Russian National Motto: Bez truda ne vytaschish. Which translated means: If you’re not cheating, you’re not trying.

It is the one-year anniversary of discovering an old ship buried in the sands of Santa Barbara. To give you an idea how old the ship is, the name is the USS Larry King.

It is the one-year anniversary of discovering an old ship buried in the sands of Santa Barbara. To give you an idea how old the ship is, it was involved in the 1812 Battle Of the USS Cher.

Since you asked:

As great a story as Estor Ledecka is, the Czech snowboarder who borrowed Mikaela Shiffrin’s skis to win the gold in the Super-G and won gold in the snowboard slalom, it does not bode - or Bode - well for my argument that much of the winter Olympic events may lack depth. 

As I wise-cracked earlier, Estor winning is like a sports photographer running to take a picture of the finish line and winning the gold medal in the 100 meters. 

Less sarcastically, Estor Ledecka’s story is the summer Olympics equivalent of a pole vaulter trying out the 400 meters for fun and winning the gold medal. But in this case, I am willing to give the credit to Estor rather than lack of skier depth.

The depth in regular skiing is no doubt deep. My good friend has a son who is competitive in skiing on the collegiate level and that kid is a great athlete who can flat out fly on skis with no fear.  He spends his summers with the National Junior team skiing in Chili and his winters in Vermont and Mammoth. 

On the other hand, the US has another Estor Ledecka itself in Erin Jackson who was competing despite having never speed skated until four months ago. Obviously Erin is a gifted athlete. But how hard can any sport be if someone is Olympic caliber after doing it four months?

When I was at Long Beach State, we had a German Olympic silver medalist training us in the Decathlon. His silver medal was in the four-man bobsled. Because he, like all decathletes and running backs, had a huge power-to-weight ratio. He was strong as a a bull and could sprint a 4.5 or faster 40 and then his 195 pounds added needed weight going down the run. 

But this German guy was candid about almost being embarrassed about how easy it was to get a bobsled medal. Especially when compared to the competition in the Decathlon. 

(Do not get me started again how the world’s greatest athlete, Decathlete, Ashton Eaton, has two Olympic medals and Michael Phelps has 28. Clearly, Phelps is a great athlete, but a lot of the swimmers I knew in high school, if you threw them a ball, it would hit them in the head) 

It doesn’t take long to listen to the announcer list the current residency of snowboard and skiing half-pipe competitors to figure out they all live within a cheap Uber ride of a halfpipe. And they’re are not that many quality halfpipes in the US. Less in Europe. Most of the competitors are from Mammoth and Park City with a few Steamboat Springs thrown in for fun.

All of the luge, skeleton and bobsled competitors live near a luge/skeleton/bobsled track. Most US competitors near Lake Placid, New York.

Like with the non-stoner events in skiing, downhill, Super-G, Giant Slalom and Slalom, clearly there is also depth in figure skating. All you have to do is look at what these amazing athletes are doing to know they are the cream of a huge crop. 

(What crop results in cream, by the way?)  

On the other hand, some of the winter Olympics events remind me of stuff we invented after school in Winnetka, Illinois, to keep us from being bored. The short track speed skating relay is just a prison break on ice. Slope style skiing and snowboarding had to be invented on a drunken/stoned bet;

“Dude, check it out, after you ride the rails - no, seriously, hand rails are built in on the course - you have to go over one of the jumps backwards. No, stop laughing, I am serious.”

And let’s not forget the rich California girl, Elizabeth Sweeney, who paid her way onto the Hungarian ski team in the halfpipe. One little problem: she can barely ski. Here she is in the Olympics skiing down the center of the halfpipe, no jumps, no turns.

Imagine someone paying their way onto the Hungarian Olympic track team and long jumping 13 feet. 

There are tracks, tennis courts, basketball courts, baseball fields, football fields and swimming pools all over the world. Not so much half-pipes and slope-style runs and bobsled courses. 

Except for rich kids named Cooper and Ashley. 

Now the Biathlon? That is a whole different story. You simply have to admire the guts, guile and sand of anyone who can cross country ski and carry a rifle who has the discipline not to shoot the guy - or gal - in front of them.