Monday, May 02, 2016

Ex- Raven, Ray Lewis’s son, Ray Lewis III, is charged with sexual assault. As Ray Lewis’s son, Ray III has not found it easy to hack it, but he is taking a stab at it. 

“Live! with Kelly and Michael”  Kelly Ripa used her two-day tantrum/absence to get a raise in her $20 mil-a-year salary and now the show has been nominated for an Emmy. What’s it called when the rest of us leave a job without permission for two days? Oh, right, getting fired. 

Since you asked:

My unimpeachable sources tell me there are no good guys in the fascinating Strahan/Ripa cluster-hump. 

As we have learned through Charlie Sheen, we viewers can put up with an ungodly amount of bad behavior from our stars including vast amounts of drugs and booze, hookers and porn stars. 

What we cannot put up with is hypocrisy.

Apparently the hypocrisy at "Live! with Kelly and Michael" is off the charts. Strahan, like Ripa, is such a surly diva off-screen they have to bring in studio audiences just for him to act civil during off-air recordings for affiliates and commercials. 

Have I ever watched a single second of "Live! with Kelly and Michael"? No, but I am fascinated nonetheless because I see Strahan on "Fox NFL Sunday" and Kelly used to be a regular on "The Late Show with David Letterman." On both my B.S. meter on their phony bubbly on-air personalities was off the charts. 

What is amazing is both of these ass-munching diva clowns, Ripa and Strahan, are clearing tens of millions of dollars a year each. 

That is Kardashian-like talentless money. 

A little ditty about Hank and Darlene . . . 

The Michael/Kelly diva-fest reminds me of: 

One the best things about Garry Shandling’s great “The Larry Sanders Show” was their unabashed ripping of bloated, pompous, self-important celebrities. 

Jeffery Tambor’s sidekick character, Hank “Hey now” Kingsley, aka the Hankinator, absolutely oozed with Vince Vaughn/Sammy Davis Jr.-levels of Hollywood egomania and too-hip insincere sincerity. “Love youuuu. You’re a down cat and I mean that, babe. Don't you ever go changing.”

In one scene, Hank’s gorgeous assistant, Darlene, was in Hank's office reviewing Hank’s demands for appearing at a charity fundraiser. Hank was reclining on his couch spooning himself  frozen yogurt when, in between mouthfuls, he says;

“So why aren’t they flying me out in a private jet?” Darlene replies sweetly;

“They want to keep some of the money for the children with cancer.”

Then Darlene lists the rest of Hank’s demands including flying out first class, a limo at the airport to his luxury suite stocked with the pink champagne on ice. Honor bar, massage, room service and in-room porn included. (It was the '90's)

At this point, Hank looks off dreamily and says without a trace of sarcasm;

“It really feels good to give back to the community.” 

Sunday, May 01, 2016

This just in:

Congratulations to First Daughter, Malia Obama, for getting into Harvard. In a related story, the IRS just announced Harvard will retain its tax-exempt status. 

12 Signs Being Ladylike Is Not Your Forte

YouTube stars, (whatever that means) Grace Helbig* and Hannah Hart, star in a remake of the failed '70's TV show  “Electra Woman and Dyna Girl.” It is the first show in digital history made without a studio and it appears to have neither a network nor a channel.  (At least the talk show I produced in my basement in third grade with Howie Detmer, the “Alex and Howie Show,” appeared in my basement)

And yet Grace Helbig and Hannah Hart have appeared at Comic Con and other sci-fi, Cosplay (Costume play) and graphic comic conventions and promotions to support their show. In addition, they have given numerous interviews to many nerd/geek/hipster/stoner/video game oriented websites. 

NBC promoted “Seinfeld” as a show about nothing. Well, “Electra Woman and Dyna Girl” takes that concept to several new Millennial levels. It is a show about nothing made by nobody, produced by no one and appearing nowhere. (Not even on a podcast streaming on your latest hand-held douche-device) 

Either this is the greatest practical joke of the digital era or there is an entire alternative nerd universe that exists out in the ether where someone pretends something exists and, as a result of superpower-like entitlement, it does exist. 

(Sticking finger in ear pretending to get an update off-camera)

What's that? We're now being told "Electra Woman And Dyna Girl" is available for $4.99 a month streaming on something called "Fullscreen." Say again? We just checked and there is no such thing as "Fullscreen." 

The entire cast and crew probably consisted of wool-hat-wearing, twenty-something vegans who have no discernible means of support yet they are slightly overweight, hungover with runny post-coke-noses. And they have iPhones and drive Prius. Priuses. PraiI. 

And it somehow involves Steve Agee and it has a fairly large promotional budget. 

Somewhere between Echo Park with their fake lake and Silver Lake with their fake park, a man-bun wearing hipster’s genius caused his overly-caffeinated brain to tear a fissure in the seventh dimension which allows non-stars to make noncommercial non-sellout digital productions for the sake of art's sake funded by commodities based on futures contracts backed by bitcoins. 

If they are hiring a comedy writer, I would love not to write for them. 

Oh, and can I get paid in cash? Upfront. 

* (Have been a huge Grace Helbig fan since I saw the BuzzFeed video “12 Signs Being Ladylike Is Not Your Forte”) 

P.S. Just Googled “Electra Woman And Dyna Girl” production company, Legendary Digital Networks or LDN. Their mission statement was a one paragraph attempt at winning “Bullshit Bingo” with words like the new artist noun "creatives," the terms forward-thinking and foster engagement. With a straight face. 

Let's all join the circle-jerk and grab a member.

P.P.S. Are we going to dance all night with your hand on my ass or are you going to make your move? 


If Millennials had a Mount Rushmore, Steve Agee's head would be on it. 

(For more on "Electra Woman and Dyna Girl" check them out on Facebook, Twitter, Linkedin, Pinterest, Instagram, Google Plus, Vine, Tumblr, Flickr, NetKra, Streemeze, Interpod and SqooBsnak. . . 

 . . . and yes, I made up NetKra, Streemeze, Interpod and SqooBsnak)

Saturday, April 30, 2016

Former Baltimore Raven and elevator wife puncher, Ray Rice, and his wife, Janay, are expecting. Ray has brought new meaning to the term knocked-up. 

TMZ reports Prince’s estate is not liquid enough to pay his relative’s living expenses. How do we live in a universe so reverse talent-rewarded that Prince's estate can’t pay his relative's grocery bills and yet Kim Kardashian could lend money to NASA? 

‪‎LukeWalton‬, 36, is new ‪Lakers‬ coach. Well, Luke was at that awkward age, too old to still be an assistant, too young to play for ‪Spurs‬.

(From the great comedy mind of Janice Hough)

NFL prospect, Laremy Tunsil, dropped from #3 pick to #13 when his Instagram showed a video of him taking a bong hit. They should have suspected something when they asked him about his coach and he said; “Dude, it’s pronounced Coachella.” 

It is the most money anyone has lost from smoking pot since Willy Nelson said, “Taxes, schmaxes.” 

After the ugly break-up of “Live! with Kelly and Michael,” Kelly Ripa brought up Strahan’s two divorces on air. It was mean, cold and vicious. It looks like Hillary has found her running mate.

Friday, April 29, 2016

New Era Caps - Chicago White Sox vs Chicago Cubs - Round 1 (Craig Robi...

Both Chicago teams, the Cubs and the White Sox, are leading their leagues. When teams from the same city are in a World Series, they give it a nickname. The Mets and the Yankees series was the Subway Series. The Dodgers and the Angels series was the Freeway Series. You know what they would call the Cubs and the White Sox World Series? End of Days. 

Former Baltimore Ravens, Ray Lewis’s son, Ray Lewis III, was charged with criminal sexual conduct. The way things are going someday he may take a stab at being just like his dad. 

US citizen, Kim Dong Chul, has been sentenced to 10 years in a North Korean prison for espionage. The last thing you want is to go to prison with the name Dong.

After the messy break-up of “Live with Kelly and Michael,” Kelly Ripa awkwardly brought up Michael Strahan’s two divorces. Then they cut to commercials for Midol and Xanax.

Oxford, Alabama has passed a law that people can only use the bathrooms of their biological sex. Or as I call all these transgender bathroom laws: Much Ado-do about nothing. 

In Australia, a man was hospitalized when a venomous spider bit his penis. When they injected him with the anti-venom, he said, “Are we positive a nurse doesn’t have to suck out the venom?” 


“Prestigious. Often an adjective of last resort. It’s in the dictionary, but that doesn’t mean you have to use it.”

“The Elements of Style,” by William Strunk Jr. and E.B. White. 

Since you asked:

Anyone who had any doubts about who the bad guy is in the “Live! with Kelly and Michael” soap opera, now we know given Kelly’s tantrum and absence followed by her nasty rip on air of Michael’s divorces.

Not sure about you folks, but if they were paying me $15 million a year, like ABC/Disney does Kelly, they could do whatever they want with the co-host. As long as their name does not rhyme with Schmardashian.

Like I said, Michael apparently can get along with the most out- sized egos on the planet on “Fox NFL,” with Howie Long, Terry Bradshaw and Jimmy Johnson. If he cannot stand Kelly Ripa, she must be vile.  

Obviously it was not just Michael Strahan who decided not to tell Kelly Ripa for fear of her subsequent meltdown. It had to go all the way to the top at Disney/ABC. Just as obviously there was a precedent causing their covert actions. And they were right. Kelly had a meltdown. 

It has long been rumored Kelly Ripa’s tolerance for other people is lower than her negligible body fat. As history has shown us, once a bubbly TV host is revealed as a mean-spirited phony hypocrite, there is no putting the toothpaste back in the tube. Isn’t that right Paula Deen, Rosie O’Donnell, Arsenio Hall and Martha Stewart? (And hopefully soon, Rocky the squirrel’s evil twin, Rachel Ray) 

Kelly’s rip at Strahan’s two divorces with that cold-blooded smile on her face was chilling. Good luck finding someone to get along with that pint-sized shrew. 

Maybe Bob Costas? 

It's too early to tell if Kelly Ripa will survive her "The Diva is Wearing No Clothes" moment, but one thing is sure: Kelly Ripa has pooped the America's Sweetheart bed forever. 

After the messy break-up of “Live with Kelly and Michael” with Michael going to “GMA” soon, Kelly Ripa awkwardly brought up Strahan’s two divorces. That wasn’t even as bad as the fact Kelly had Michael’s pet rabbit boiling on the stove.

Former Ohio State running back and #4 pick, Ezekiel Elliott, showed up at the NFL draft in a midriff-barring crop-top. That sound you hear is Walter Payton spinning in his grave.

Congress passed a bill making the Bison our National Mammal. It was awkward when Donald Trump replied, “It’s shameful how they snubbed the Buffalo.” 

NFL #1 draft pick bust, JaMarcus Russell, is considering a comeback. Can it be considered a comeback if, technically, he never really played in the first place? 

Indiana basketball coaching legend Bobby Knight endorsed Donald Trump. It is all part of Trump’s Indiana campaign regrettably named: “Hoosier Daddy?”

NFL prospect, Laremy Tunsil, minutes before he was to be drafted, had his Instagram hacked with a video of him smoking pot from a gas mask bong. He then fell from the #3 pick to #13. Tunsil's agent, Johnny Manziel, had no comment. 

Former Ohio State running back and #4 pick, Ezekiel Elliott, showed up at the NFL draft in a midriff-baring crop-top. He got the fashion tip from OJ Simpson since he has gone sissy in prison.

Thursday, April 28, 2016

Comcast is buying Dreamworks Animation netting $187 mil. cash for Steven Spielberg. In a related story, a comedy writer I know found one dollar in change and went to buy coffee at McDonalds only to discover  he was out of luck because they had raised the price to $1.65. 

The Polo-made US uniforms for the Rio Olympics are being criticized as being too white and snobby. Even Joe Biden thinks they’re too white. 

An Australian man was treated in a hospital after a venomous spider bit him on the penis. When informed they could substantially reduce his inflammation, his wife said, “Leave the poor man alone.” 

Bono suggested using comedians to fight ISIS. Believe me, I know comedians and nobody could be better suited to fight ruthless terrorists than a bunch of people needier than a lost puppy in the rain. 

A JetBlue pilot was arrested for DUI following a flight from Orlando to JFK. He was so drunk he flew to JFK thinking he was going to KFC. 

Comcast is buying Dreamworks Animation for $3.8 billion netting $187 mil. cash for Steven Spielberg. That’s even more money than Oprah has in her couch cushions. 

2012 Heisman Trophy winner, Johnny Manziel, was fired by his agent, Drew Rosenhaus. This is the second agent to fire Manziel. 
Getting fired by an NFL agent is like having a pimp rejecting your business for moral reasons. 

Getting fired by an NFL agent is like getting kicked out of Justin Bieber’s entourage for behavioral problems. 

The 15-5 Chicago Cubs are playing 750% ball and have out scored their opponents 123 to 54. There is no joke here, as a Cubs fan, I just wanted to repeat those numbers.

A man in Australia was hospitalized after he informed the doctor a poisonous spider bit his penis. The doctor corrected him saying that spiders are venomous, not poisonous. The man replied, “That is fascinating. Oh, did I mention IT BIT ME IN THE PENIS?” 

Ted Cruz has picked his running mate, Carly Fiorina. And John Kasich has picked his running mate: Ironic Satire.

After losing five primaries, Ted Cruz tapped Carly Fiorina as his running mate. That’s like being kicked off the “Bachelorette” first and announcing what you and Bachelorette JoJo will name your child. 

A restaurant in Pennsylvania has named a pizza after Hillary Clinton. They were going to name a pizza after Donald Trump, but it was too expensive and it did not really have anything on top.

Baylor’s 6.7, 405 pound tight end, LaQuan McGowen, is not expected to be drafted until the last NFL draft round, the seventh. But he is expected to put the round in the seventh round. 

Ted Cruz tapped Carly Fiorina as his running mate. Chris Christie then kept tugging on Donald Trump’s jacket saying, “Ya gonna to tell them? Ya gonna tell them? Huh? Huh?” 

Beyonce’s use of Becky in “Lemonade,” Becky is a slur black women us against promiscuous white women who sleep with black men. Of course if Beyonce wanted to get real insulting she would have used the term: Kardashian. 

Wednesday, April 27, 2016

These just in:

Ted Cruz has tapped Carly Fiorina as his running mate. It will be the first time the words Carly Fiorina and tapped have been used together in 20 years.

Prince’s estate is said to be worth somewhere between $500 million and $150 million. Now, I am no accounting genius. But if you’re calculations vary by $350 million dollars, you may want to get a new calculator. 

Happy 46th Birthday to Melania Trump. For Melania, 46 is the new 26. No, really, this year she is going to be replaced by a 26-year-old.  

Tom Petty - It's Good To Be King

It is good to be the King, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

The NFL draft is coming up and there is a tight end from Baylor, LaQuan McGowan, who is 6.7, 400 pounds. McGowan is so big, steroids take him to get bigger.

Here’s my question: at 400 pounds, can McGowan really still be called a Tight End?

A Tight End? His ass has to look like 50 pounds of chewed bubblegum. 

His name, LaQuan, is Swahili for Chris Christie. 

LaQuan is so big, the refs keep mistakenly penalizing him for too many men on the field.

LaQuan is so big, he once scored the wining touchdown, they carried him off the field and ten players had to be treated for sports hernias.

LaQuan is so big his shoe size is Triple F Shaq. 

A judge ruled the fraud lawsuit against Trump University will go to trial. They have a good case against Trump U. The school’s team mascot is Bernie The Madoff. 

In the early ’70’s, NASA proposed women go into space so the astronauts could have sex with them. “Houston, we have a headache.”

“That’s one small step for man, one giant leap for velcro flys and zero gravity.” 

In the early ’70’s, NASA proposed women go into space so the astronauts could have sex with them. They don’t disclose what astronauts did without women for sex, but it might explain “Buzz” Aldrin’s nickname. 

Here is Jay-Z in Miami obviously feeling really bad about his infidelities against Beyonce

It’s Good to Be The King

Beyonce and Jay-Z are celebrating in Miami on the eve of launching the “Lemonade” album tour. That is the difference between celebrities and us. We cheat and it is a messy, costly, ugly divorce. Jay-Z cheats and it is cigars, champagne and his wife is gone on a three month world tour that earns tens of millions of dollars. 

A fellow La Jolla stockbroker friend of mine made it big on a “Star Trek,” like mid ’90's show.  He got in big trouble with the cast - and all Hollywood actors for that matter -  when he told an interviewer how easy acting is. When describing a week it takes to film a show, he said the actors do not even need to show up until a table read on Wednesday where, hungover as Lords, they wear t-shirts, blue jeans and eat donuts. 

They film on Thursday and Friday and most of that consists of being driven to the set and lying in their trailer to memorize their ten or so lines. Then the rest of the time is in makeup. And then the filming of the scenes is a blast because, no matter how badly they forget their lines, laugh and screw up, they just do it over again.

Now he gets paid even more for voice-work and he says that is even easier. No makeup. No memorizing lines. No filming. Just read out loud in a studio for 30 minutes and then go home and collect the checks.

No wonder so many actors are such chronic drug addicts and alcoholics. It is the only job you can get paid millions for doing something zonked out of your head. 

In an example of how different entertainer’s jobs are than the rest of us, there was a hilarious article in “Rolling Stone” by comedic greats, David Cross and Bob Odenkirk, when they were making the wildly underrated “Mr. Show” on HBO. They describe an HBO executive’s secretary coming up to them all hang-dog like and hat-in-hand to ask them a huge, huge favor. 

She asked them - in the manner someone would ask someone to bury a body in a landfill in Newark - if they would mind being flown first-class to Maui to attend the affiliates meeting at a luxury resort on the Ocean. Everything, their suites, flights, food and beverages would be paid for. And they would be paid for their time. And if they needed to buy new clothes for the trip, HBO would pick up the tab. All they needed to do was to circulate at one cocktail party. And be civil. 

When they returned home, they each had three huge gift baskets filled with champagne, fruit and caviar, and brand new 50-inch TV screens and DVRs thanking them for going to Maui. HBO then released glowing press reports of how hard working and down-to-earth David Cross and Bob Odenkirk were.

You read all the time about A-list actors refusing to go on their movie press junkets. “Are you seriously asking me to fly to Paris in a private jet and sit in my huge suite overlooking the Seine and talk about myself all day? How dare you?”

Sitting in Paris suite talking about myself all day is on my bucket list and I am pretty sure I will never get to cross it off. 

And that is just regular run-of-the-mill celebrities. There is a whole next level of celebrity with Jay-Z and Beyonce. That level of celebrity is bullet proof. 

Using wealth as a barometer (it was Woody Allen who said "Money is better than poverty if only for financial reasons") of that next level of bullet-proof celebrity, at the height of their wealth and fame, Tiger Woods and Michael Jordan each went through nasty 50% divorces and they have serious gambling problems. By all rights that should have left them Nicholas Cage/ Randy Quaid broke. 

They are both twice as rich as they were before their divorce.

No doubt about it, it is good to be the King. 

it's GOOD to be the KING.flv

Tuesday, April 26, 2016

A woman who looks just like Ted Cruz in drag will star in a porn film. The title of the porn film is “Goodbye Erection.”

A judge ruled the fraud lawsuit against Trump University will go to trial. They have a good case against Trump U. The school’s team mascot is The Scamming Bernie Madoffs. 

Donald Trump is food-shaming John Kasich. Trump ordered an $85 steak well-done. Trump cannot food-shame a hyaena gorging on a rotting yak. 

A Pennsylvania restaurant has created a pizza inspired by Hillary Clinton. One thing we know for sure is Bill Clinton will never eat it. 

A Pennsylvania restaurant has created a Hillary Clinton pizza. The Hillary Clinton pizza is $19.99 for a large. But if you have it delivered to your company, it has a $600,000 speaking fee. 

Beyonce’s album “Lemonade” is about Jay Z cheating on her. Have you seen Beyonce? Have you seen Jay Z? That is like a hot dog cheating on lobster. 

I think Jay-Z did cheat on Beyonce with Rachel Roy and they had a kid: Pete Davidson

 Plus this
Equals this

An Oregon man was arrested after trying to pay a prostitute with a monkey. That is one of the oldest rules of the street: Don’t be a whimp and skimp a pimp with a chimp. 

You think that is weird? He was going to give her a tip in gerbils. 

The recruits for ISIS have plummeted because their money supply has been destroyed. To give you an idea how bad it is, ISIS is losing money faster than the US Post Office.