Thursday, January 19, 2017

The movie “The Founder,” depicts McDonalds mogul, Ray Kroc, as a lying, cheating, ruthlessly thieving cutthroat. Donald Trump calls it the feel-good movie of the year.

At an introduction-to-LA town hall meeting, Chargers owner, Dean Spanos, was ruthlessly booed by the crowd. And those were all the Disney characters. 

The Hall of Presidents at Disney World is about to unveil it animatronic Donald Trump. They just have to get his hands from “It’s a Small World.” 

Donald Trump vows to eliminate ISIS. And if anyone can get rid of something it is the guy who destroyed seven businesses that sold meat, vodka and gambling to Americans. 

Since you asked:

The closest thing Donald Trump ever had to being president was when he was the owner of the New Jersey Generals of the USFL. Through Trump’s ego, over-spending and bad moves, he did not just bring down his team, he brought down the entire league. 100% of the other rich owners did not dislike Trump, they despised him. 

Check it out on ESPN’s "30 For 30" series. “Small Potatoes: Who Killed the USFL?” (Spoiler alert: it was Trump) 

While that USFL  stint was disconcerting, the fact is, using less money and saying stupid things, Trump still outfought Hillary. (Although I have my suspicions it was Barzini all along) You can only call Mr. Magoo lucky for so long until you give him credit.

A big part of me wants to believe there are special forces at work here and everything will be fine.

The other part of me thinks we're screwed. 

A lot of it all boils down to how you feel about Crystal hot sauce on avocado slices. (Don't ask) 

Wednesday, January 18, 2017

Remember, folks, pooping is your friend. It makes you feel good in the end, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

Steroid cheat, Jose Canseco, tweeted that the baseball Hall of Fame was hypocritical for not allowing all steroid cheats. Something about this seems self-serving, but I can’t put Jose’s finger on it.

Michelle Obama posted a video of her last walk of the White House with her two dogs, Sunny and Bo. The good news is Sunny did not bite anyone. The bad news is that Bo took a golden shower on the rug.

It turns out porn videos are being hidden inside regular YouTube videos. Remember Psy’s “Gangnam Style”? It’s now gang-bang style. 

A shark in Australia gave birth without a father. This is the first known birth without a father since Kris Jenner had Kylie and Kendall.

It’s the third anniversary of when New York police found and arm and two legs in the East River. As to the identity of the victim, the police are still stumped. 

A shark in Australia gave birth without a father. Or so claims a guilty-looking male dolphin in the tank next to it.  

Singer Alanis Moresette’s manager pled guilty of stealing $4.8 million. Gosh, I hope this doesn’t make Alanis’s songs about men bitter.

Since you asked:

Inspired by Tennessee's naming a sewage plant after Lane Kiffin, I propose San Diego rename the Point Loma Wastewater Plant after Dean Spanos. 

So I was looking at a slideshow on Twitter identifying different types/shapes of stool and what they mean for your health. When suddenly the slideshow changed, without telling me, into scary sea creatures.

It scared the hell out of me.

Sorry about the poop-heavy theme. Will class the crap out of this tomorrow. (Oh, shit, I said crap. Oh crap, I said shit)

Tuesday, January 17, 2017

Happy 95th Birthday to Betty White. Or as Larry King calls Betty: a trophy wife.

Pittsburgh Steeler coach, Mike Tomlin, was caught on a live video by Antonio Brown calling the New England Patriots A-holes. Remember Deflate Gate? This scandal is Denigrate Gate. 

Experts are highly critical of Chargers owner, Dean Spanos’s move to Los Angeles. Anyone who doesn’t think a billionaire team owner can be a complete idiot, I have two words: Donald Sterling.

Taking a sleazy marketing ploy from the Los Angeles Angels of Anaheim, the Chargers could be the Ex- San Diego, Southern California Los Angeles Chargers of Carson and or Gardena. 

In Australia, a shark gave birth without a male. Asexual shark reproduction. This could be a boon for our legal and political fields. 

New Denver Bronco coach, Vance Joseph, had to leave the University of Colorado after being accused of rubbing his erect penis on a woman. “What’s wrong with that?” Asked Penn State.

Sunday, January 15, 2017

In Florida, a maid of honor guzzled a bottle of whisky, stole the best man’s car, attacked paramedics and spit on police. On the other hand, it is nice to see Trump’s advisor, Kellyanne Conway, blowing off some steam. 

Since you asked:

Walter O’Malley was despised by generations of Brooklynites and New Yorkers for moving the Dodgers to Los Angeles and he had no choice. O’Malley’s hand was forced by a corrupt mob figure-head egomaniac, New York parks commissioner, Robert Moses. (Moses was also the jerk who, as a result, stuck us with the Mets)

The Spanos family will soon be worth $3 billion. They could have financed a stadium privately the way the Cowboys, Forty Niners and Giants did. Clearly Spanos was too gutless to try that, so he should have sold the team to someone who had the guts. 

Dean Spanos chose to move the Chargers to Los Angeles out of pure laziness, selfishness, cowardice and greed. Spanos deserves to be despised by San Diegans for a hundred years.

The classless way Alex Spanos treated Hall of Famer, Dan Fouts, was a precursor to how awful their ownership would be. The Spanos's ham-fisted bungling of players negotiation is almost Dan Snyder-like in its classless ineptness. 

(Anyone who doesn’t think a billionaire team owner can be a complete idiot, I have two words: Donald Sterling)

As a Chicago Bear fan and admitted fair-weather Chargers fan, I am surprised at how pissed off I am by this horrible move. The core of Charger fans are die-hards and deserve much better than this. They load up their trucks with their entire family in Charger gear and tailgate to celebrate the tickets they paid top price to get. 

To have those fans treated so badly by a spoiled, fat, old billionaire brat does not seem fair. 

Saturday, January 14, 2017

Von Miller’s Denver Bronco teammates have fined him $15,000 - 30 times $500 - for flatulence. That is the most gas in the NFL prior to Dean Spanos's brain fart that moved them to L.A.

Friday, January 13, 2017

The Chargers announced their move to LA at the same time they unveiled their L.A. logo. That’s like breaking up with a girl by asking her if she wants to see a tattoo of your new girlfriend. 

The Chargers will play two seasons in Carson. Before you judge Carson too quickly, Charger fans, you should take a gang up and drive-by and shoot a look. 

"Buzzfeed" is under criticism for publishing the Trump Russian dossier. Even "Buzzfeed" published a list of ten reasons "Buzzfeed" is a douche-bag.

“Today” show’s Matt Lauer admitted he cried during Joe Biden’s Medal of Freedom presentation. Matt cried so hard he soaked his choker. 

The Rams and the Chargers are in LA. There was an awkward moment when the Cleveland Browns announced they were also moving to LA but then realized LA wasn’t accepting all the bad NFL teams.

Thursday, January 12, 2017

"For the last time, Mr. Trump, the girls cannot give you a golden doodle. A golden doodle is a type of dog."

**** The US indicted six Volkswagen executives in their emissions scam. Turns out the company that made cars for Adolf Hitler was not as trustworthy as we thought.

**** In light of the recent Donald Trump rumor, Pornhub reveals the term golden showers is searched the most by New England states. It seems New England fans know how to put the P in Patriots.

**** Bella Hadid unfollowed Selena Gomez on Instagram after she saw the singer kissing The Weekend. And that is this week’s story my Aunt Trudy will not understand. 

**** The San Diego Chargers are moving up to Los Angeles. Of course they’ll play football. But eventually they want to achieve their dream: to direct.

**** The good news for Orca lovers is SeaWorld San Diego has cancelled the killer whale shows. The bad news for Orca lovers? SeaWorld is now offering “Mystery Sushi” in bulk.

Tuesday, January 10, 2017

The rumor is the Russians have a tape that shows Donald Trump ordering a golden shower between two prostitutes. If this is true, his press secretary, Kellyanne Conway, is going to be pissed.

It was awkward when the FBI asked Donald Trump to use urinate in a sentence:

“Melania, you’re an eight, but if you had bigger boobs, you’d be a ten.”

Friday, January 06, 2017

The world’s soccer head, FIFA, announced they are expanding the World Cup from 32 teams to 48. Why? Two words: More bribes.

65 women have filed sexual assault or police charges against former USA gymnast doctor Larry Nassar. Those are Cosby-esque numbers. 

In the title game, Clemson defeated Alabama 35-31 in the last second. There was one second left. Even Ronda Rousey could not have lost in one second. 

The good news is 17 people have been arrested for the Paris jewel robbery of Kim Kardashian. The bad news is it looks like Rob Kardashian and Chyna Blac have some explaining to do.

How about that jacked ref during the college title game? Mike Defee made Ed Hochuli look like Justin Bieber. 

The Pope Francis gave his blessing to women who have to breastfeed in public. It keeps their minds off of the priests who are molesting their other children. 

Navy Dolphins are being trained to find endangered porpoises. They are the increasingly rare Payphone Porpoises.   

Donald Trump tweeted that Meryl Streep is overrated. And he tweeted to Robert DeNiro, “Are you looking at me? Are you looking at me?” 

In Green Bay’s 38-13 win over New York, Giants receiver, Odell Beckham Jr. dropped two passes including a touchdown. Beckham then punched a hole in the locker room wall. It’s a tough night when Odell can’t even hang on to the damage deposit.

At the Golden Globes, Meryl Streep criticized Donald Trump and Trump then tweeted Streep was over-rated. And Streep is the most overrated actor with 19 Academy Award nominations. 

US Intelligence believes Vladimir Putin had the US election hacked in retaliation for the US’s participation in the Russian Olympic doping scandal. When it came to catching drug cheaters, Putin feels the US cast too wide a Nyet. 

Michelle Obama gave her final White House speech as First Lady. “Moving,” said one observer. “Inspiring,” said another. “Slow down, I can’t write that fast,” said Melania Trump.

A video has a trash-talking Dallas Cowboy fan getting knocked out by a New York Giant fan, and the Cowboy fan staggers up and loses his shorts. The good news for the Cowboy fan is that, he took the punch so well, he has been signed by the Cleveland Browns. 

Thursday, January 05, 2017

The State Department has declared the son of Osama Bin Laden a global terrorist. His name is Kim Jong Un Bin Laden.

In Arizona, a naked woman stole a sheriff’s vehicle and has led police on a wild chase. Time to step up your game, Florida. 

During the NFL game, the announcer said, “In fourth down territory, you need to bring your heavy package and pound it in the A-hole.” And we wonder why the NFL has a history of sexual assault? 

Four people in Texas shot after a fight on Facebook escalated. See, I would have gone with a frowny face emoji, but that’s me. 

They made a speaker that is designed to fit in a pregnant woman’s vagina so the baby can hear music. Not too loud or the butthole living next door will complain.