Friday, November 28, 2014

Get Smart Original Theme

Led Zeppelin -- Immigrant song [LYRICS]

Far be it from me to throw my beloved Led Zeppelin under the stealing-song bus, but, am I going crazy or are these melodies similar? 
A French man claims he has invented a pill that makes passed gas smell sweeter. The pill is called; “Toot Sweet, Tout Suite.”

A 30-year-old woman from Arizona suffers from a disorder that gives her six hours of orgasms a day. To end her orgasms, doctors have prescribed she binge-watch those lady-boner-killers, Dr. Phil and Bill O’Reilly.

Swimming great, Michael Phelps’s ex-girlfriend, 41-year-old Taylor Chandler, claims she was born a man. She was not born a fully developed man, she was somewhere between Bruce Jenner and Madonna.
When she was 20, she had an operation to remove her penis. Which is technically called a Hack-a-dick-o-me.

Cleveland authorities are now investigating a large brawl involving backup Browns QB, Johnny Manziel. So, in short order, he’s gone from Johnny “Football” to Johnny “Bench” to Johnny “Bench-warrant.”

Elevator-fiancé puncher, Ray Rice, won his appeal to have his suspension ended. This marks the first time the words Ray Rice and appeal have been used together.

Olive Garden is advertising their Tour of Northern Italy menu. The tour extends North in Italy all the way to the towns of Crapola and Shinola.

How boring where the three NFL games on Thanksgiving? Eating turkey and watching those turkeys would put Ryan Seacrest in a stupor. 

Wednesday, November 26, 2014

A woman in the crowd before the Tennessee game wept when Tim Tebow presented her with a piece of cake. Unfortunately for her, the cake was then intercepted and returned for a touchdown.

A Facebook friend - whom I haven't really spoken to since high school - informed me via direct message that my joke about Tim Tebow had offended her, as she is now a devout Christian. 
So I informed her I knew exactly to how to take care of this. 

Then I unfriended her. 

A French man claims he has invented a pill that makes passed gas smell sweeter. The pill is called; “It Didn’t Work.”

A 30-year-old woman from Arizona suffers from a disorder that gives her six hours of orgasms a day. To relieve her symptoms, six times a day, she takes absolutely nothing.

In Florida, a man died when he pulled a gun on his wife and accidentally shot himself in the face.  Police ruled it justifiable homicide.

The Midwest is still in a cold snap. People are shaking like Bill Cosby saying the Thanksgiving prayer.

A sidebar in “Entertainment Weekly” showed how an anaconda can eat a human being and that process is not pleasant. First it attacks you, then it crushes you, then it devours you. Just like a date with Bill Cosby.

80-year-old mass-murder, Charles Manson, is marrying a 26-year-old woman. It’s cute, he calls her his other ball and chain.

80-year-old mass-murder, Charles Manson, is marrying a 26-year-old woman. It’s cute, he’s happier than Bill Cosby eating a pudding pop on a blind date.

A 30-year-old woman from Arizona suffers from a disorder that gives her six hours of orgasms a day. Well, maybe suffers isn’t the right word.

A 30-year-old woman from Arizona suffers from a disorder that gives her six hours of orgasms a day. When her doctor proscribed medication to relieve her, she proscribed the doctor should mind his own damn business.

The day before Thanksgiving is biggest day of the year for bar business. There is a term for it. It is called: In-Law Endurance Inebriation.

Miraculously he is going to be fine, but there is a video of a man in China who gets hit over and over again by cars and trucks. Must refrain from making inappropriate Asian driving jokes. Ahh.

One of my extremely credible Hollywood gossip sources said it was a long and well-known fact among women who work in the entertainment field that you don’t ever, ever go into a room alone with the great Dr. William Henry Cosby Jr.
Me? I’m just upset. Bill Cosby was my comedy idol. With Bruce Jenner, OJ Simpson and now Bill Cosby, I keep thinking of the famous proverb: may you never meet your heroes.
On the bright side, I have met some of my heroes who more than lived up to my expectations. (My mom and dad are included without saying)
Rafer Johnson. At the Montreal Olympics, he was the anti-Bruce Jenner. Generous with his time, thoughtful and impressive.
Robert Plant. Could not have been nicer or cooler. He put me right at ease and was amazingly kind and open.
Bill Toomey. He was a real nice guy. Kind of goofy, but nice.
Mark Messier. Although I am stretching to say he was a hero of mine, I was not a huge hockey fan, he was so impressive when I met him I had to include him. Funny, smart, nice, but he had a look in his steely blue eyes that said; “I am the real deal.”
Paul Newman. Although physically pretty slight, he was exactly how you would want Paul Newman to be Paul Newman. He was extremely Paul Newman-y in the best way. Never met Robert Redford, but I was kicked out of his bar in Park City. (not for what you think, I didn’t have a dinner reservation and there are laws in Utah)
Fess Parker. Even more impressive than I thought he would be. And I was a huge Daniel Boone fan. Taller too. Throw-back, Santa Barbara California rancher gentleman. Imagine a dashing, handsome, silver-haired tall man who looks like he had just cleaned up after swimming in the ocean and riding horses all day, winding down at sunset with a margarita and come chips and guacamole.
Ernie Banks. Although much more impressed with my cousin Jack’s beautiful, blonde wife, Becky, he was a sweet, old school avuncular class act.
Joe Walsh, Jimmy Buffett, Jackson Browne and Randy Meisner. All were as genuinely friendly as they were chemically gacked-up. (circa 1979) Joe is the only one over six feet.
James Taylor. Almost alarmingly down-to-earth. He struck me as so thoughtful he was almost professorial. The waters run deep with that one.

Gale Sayers. This barely qualifies because, we never met in person, but we corresponded once and I spoke to him over the phone at a fundraising event. But a total class act and gentleman.

Kathy Ireland. Although not exactly a hero, I did sort of worship her in an adolescent boy way. She was more beautiful in person and a real sweetheart. Voice was very high.
Jay Leno. You don’t think nice guys can exist at the top of the entertainment world? He proves this wrong over and over again. Leno is as big as they get and he could not be more sincerely and genuinely nice.

Sam Adams. UCSB track and multi-event expert. The best. Period.
You thought your day was productive? I invented three new iconic sex acts: The Mexican Moose Ride, the Seattle Slump-Buster and the San Marcos Musket Ball. 

Tuesday, November 25, 2014

The headline reads “Hagel Resigns as Defense Secretary.” Didn’t Katherine just start that show?

How amazing was that three-fingered catch by New York Giant, Odell Beckham? I could not catch the Ebola virus with three fingers.

All the teams in the NFC South are below .400. In the NFC South, the NFC stands for Nobody Freaking Cares.

I’m starting to think BuzzFeed is running out of things to list. Today they had a list of ten women in Hollywood who were not molested by Bill Cosby.

Celebrities are weighing in on Ferguson. Because when I want an opinion on a complicated judicial ruling, I want it to come from someone who quit high school to perform.

A sidebar in “Entertainment Weekly” showed how an anaconda can eat a human being and that process is not pleasant. It’s not as bad as going on a date with Bill Cosby, but it is not pleasant.

Since you asked:
That freak-show catch by the New York Giants’ Odell Beckham reiterated one of the real positives about the NFL today.
With so many negatives popping up in the NFL, domestic violence, child abuse, DUI’s, drug use and extensive brain trauma in retired players, Roger Goodell, too many commercials, too many penalties, there is one huge positive:
The level of athleticism has never been higher.
You have a defensive lineman in J.J. Watt who is 6.5, 290, who can catch balls with one hand. A six foot nothing, 35-year-old QB, Drew Brees, dunking a ball on the ten-foot goalpost. Brees was matched up against Olympic archers in an accuracy contest and beat them all.  
How many duck-throwers like Joe Kapp and Bobby Douglass and Tim Tebow, are in the league? None.
Running backs are faster than ever and weigh 230 pounds. The vast majority in the NFL today are between 230 pounds and 300 pounds and they are fit as hell.
They showed a 255-pound linebacker, Clay Mathews III, warming up before the game. He rattled off 50 push ups and then ran 50 yards almost full speed ten times. That is a warm up.
There are some bad teams in the NFL. The Jacksonville Jaguars are a bad team. But there are no bad athletes in the NFL.
How hard is it to make an NFL team? Chase Coffman won the John Mackey award at Missouri for best college tight end. He was cut by three teams before landing with the Tennessee Titans. He had five catches total for 2014 before going crazy last week.

How hard is it to play quarterback in the NFL? Eli Manning has two Super Bowl rings, a Super Bowl MVP and, this year, he is a punch line to jokes.

Love the little stand up routine Richard Sherman pulled at the expense of the NFL. He is a smart and funny guy.

But apparently not smart enough to figure out for whom he works. 

The NFL is a giant corporation. If I was writing for "The Tonight Show Starring Jimmy Fallon" and I held a press conference to make fun of NBC, and mock them as hypocrites?  I am certain I would find my things in a box when I went back to my office. 

What if NBC held a press conferance and asked me to speak? If I blew it off, ala Marshawn Lynch, I would be fired. If then I gave one syllable answers, I would be fired. 

The NFL fined Lynch $100,000. He is currently in the middle of a four-year $30 mil. contract. I'm not an accountant, but I think $100,000 from $30 million is still a lot of money.