Thursday, July 28, 2016

Rest In Peace my friend, Jerry Doyle.

Chicago White Sox pitcher, Chris Sale, is returning after a five game suspension for cutting up the team’s throwback uniforms. If he had done that for the Pittsburgh Steelers, they would throw him a parade.

On the bright side, Sale signed a new endorsement deal with Slice Soda. 

With the added rest, Sale could have a second half season that is tailor-made for success. 

Wednesday, July 27, 2016

Green Bay QB, Aaron Rodgers, is not happy his younger brother, Jordan, is airing their family’s feud on “The Bachelorette.” Rodgers even reached-out to Tom Brady to find out how he would deflate the situation.

Who cares if Donald Trump asked Russia to hack Hillary Clinton’s emails? Don’t these people know we have a full-blown Kim Kardashian-Taylor Swift feud going on? 

Scientists in India claim cockroach milk may be the next super food. So it is just a question of time until some utter tool utters the phrase: “Where is the lactose-free cockroach milk?” 

Scientists in India claim cockroach milk may be the next super food. So it is just a question of time until some utter tool utters the phrase: “Where is the lactose-free cockroach milk?” 

ESPN reports 450,000 condoms will be distributed to athletes at the Rio Olympics. And like every Olympics prior, the cool jocks will be dipping into the unused stock of the badminton players and archers. 

Michelle Obama gave a moving speech at the DNC. Michelle Obama’s speech was so moving, it moved right into Melania Trump’s document file. 

Tuesday, July 26, 2016

Like a Bawse, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

ESPN reports 450,000 condoms will be distributed to athletes at the Rio Olympics. 7 of those condoms will be used by the US men’s race-walking and badminton teams alone. 

In India, in the town of Chainpur, monkeys overran a voting site. And not only that, but 30 of the monkeys wrote-in a vote for Donald Trump.

Starbucks will now allow baristas to wear fedoras. So now the Starbucks baristas have a job and a hat they cannot spell. 

It is part of Starbucks program to become 50% more hipster-doofussie. 

According to political experts, at her DNR speech, Hillary Clinton has to put the latest email leaking controversy aside. That is why her speech is titled “Bernie’s My Mensch.” 

At the Rio Olympics, the Australian team refused to check in to the Village for health reasons. Asked to comment, one said, “Crickie, the arvo we got here we saw mozzies the size of gallahs.” The Australian interpreter translated: “That afternoon they saw mosquitos as big as parrots.”

You know an Olympic Village is messed up when Crocodile Dundee would rather stay in a Motel 6. 

You know those two raptors from the Jurassic Olympic team? They just checked into a Holliday Inn Express. 

During his RNC speech, Donald Trump courted Bernie Sanders voters. I’m no political expert, but Trump has as much chance to get Bernie Sanders supporters as Melania does to win the Nobel Prize for Literature.  

Monday, July 25, 2016

The  Rio Olympics are just over a week away. The full name is Rio De Janeiro, which is Spanish for: Bob Costas will get pink-eye again.
The construction reports from the Rio Olympics are not good. How bad is it? NBC’s Bob Costas may opt to broadcast from Sochi. 

Sunday, July 24, 2016

The RNC was a mild fiasco, now it looks like the DNC might be one too. Well, at least we have the Rio Olympics to look forward to. What? 

Eric Clapton’s guitar sold for $60,000 for a worthy medical cause. In a related story, one of Justin Bieber’s microphones was thrown away because it smelled funny. 

Prior to the DNC, the DNCom chair, Debbie Wasserman Schultz, resigned over leaked emails. For the DNC, that is one of the worst starts I have ever heard of that did not involve an iceberg. 

The International Olympic Committee ruled it will leave the ban of Russia up to each sport. When asked to elaborate, the IOC said, “Frankly, if we’re not getting a bribe, we don’t care.” 

The Australian Olympic team has decided not to stay in the Rio Olympic village for health reasons. To repeat, the one country where every living thing, except koalas, is trying to kill them, they think the Rio village is too dangerous. 

Since you asked:

(This is neither pro nor anti Hillary. It is about Trump)

Donald Trump is used to people treating him a certain way because of who he is. The problem is he is not who he says he is. Donald Trump plays a cartoon character of himself: Scrooge McDuck with orange-face. Donald Trump has no idea who or what the hell he is. 

Rich folks, like Trump, who expect people to kiss their ass because they’re rich, are in for a rude awakening in presidential politics. John F. Kennedy was a spoiled rich kid’s son until he got into the Navy. And as spoiled and as rich as Kennedy was, he was not prepared for how much people did not care how rich he was when he was president.

Martin Luther, King Jr., J. Edgar Hoover, Khrushchev and US Steel did not give a rat’s ass how rich John F. Kennedy was and they let him know it. The military did not care how rich John F. Kennedy was and they kicked his handsome, bony ass all over the White House during the Bay of Pigs. 

Donald Trump is a bully and a make-up-faced, silly, tiny-fingered buffoon who will get his ass kicked by real life tough people like Vladimir Putin and Angela Merkel. 

Although I am not a libertarian, Gary Johnson said it best: 

Donald Trump is a pussy. 

Saturday, July 23, 2016

A Chicago team doctor prescribed eating potato chips to ward off persistent hand cramps for Cubs pitcher Jason Hammel. I’m going to guess the Giant’s, Pablo Sandoval, never suffered from hand cramps.  

In addition to potato chips, the doctor prescribed beer for those pesky, unsightly six-pack abs.

Donald Trump did not accept the resignation of Meredith McIver, the alleged plagiarizer. But you know she had a rough week: “Hey, Meredith, how about this? "To be or not to be? That is the question?" Catchy, huh?”

Word is Hillary Clinton’s running mate, Tim Kaine, makes the ticket more likable. Somebody then yelled, “A pit bull with lip gloss is more likable,” But then they told Bernie Sanders to pipe down. 

19,000 leaked email reveal a deep split between the democratic party and Bernie Sanders. And those are just the emails Hillary Clinton did not erase. 

These emails were quite revealing. Like that Bernie’s celebrity crush was Betty White.

Remember all the excitement caused over the two gay male African lions photographed having sex? Turns out they are not gay, one is a rare female with a mane. At least that is what the male is telling all the guys at the watering hole. 

"How about those Bears? I mean those Lions?" 

Friday, July 22, 2016

An ex-Chipotle exec has been found guilty of seven counts of buying cocaine. This guy put the El Chapo in Chipotle. 

They suspected he may be high on coke when he showed no interest in food besides Chipotle. 

Out of football for domestic violence since 2014, Ray Rice wants to play in the NFL and will donate his salary to charity. Just wish he had not said he wants to take another whack at playing. 

Remember “Jon & Kate Plus 8”? The father, Jon Gosselin, now cooks at a Penn. TGI Fridays. It seems “The Jon Gosselin Money Management” DVD did not sell as well as hoped.

Asked to comment, his ex, Kate, said, “What a loser.” Then Kate said, “Welcome to Hooters.” 

First Melania Trump plagiarized a speech. Now Melania’s claim of graduating from college is not true. What’s next? Let’s just say it’s possible Melania is a Slovanian word for Caitlyn. 

Had the honor of speaking to this great man a few times. He gave sage advice on guiding a kid in sports. Essentially, do not burn them out. At our kid's high school track meet he said of my daughter, A.C., "She has an incredible stride," in that golden voice. Rest in peace, Dennis Green. 
Thoughts on Donald Trump's RNC speech:

Donald Trump’s speech last night was borrowed from a sales technique called: “Make them sick and then cure them.” Although I think Trump’s interpretation was: “Beat the crap out of them and then cuddle.”

Donald Trump expecting to get Bernie Sanders followers because of trade is like expecting chickens to follow you because you make the best fajitas. 

After Donald Trump’s speech, NATO stands for Not Allowing Trump’s Opinion.

Did anyone else notice Trump fighting his instincts to try and pronounce LGBTQ as Ligbetcue? 

Looking at Trump’s crowd at the RNC, I’ve seen them before: they’re they same pasty, bitter people who showed up at my mother’s estate sale to insult her cherished belongings for a discount. 

Thursday, July 21, 2016

Funny monkey sniffs finger

We are due to do the do to the do that we do, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

Remember the Minn. dentist, Walter Palmer, who killed the beloved lion, Cecil, on safari? Palmer had his Florida boat stolen and crashed. So much for the good ship, “Boaty McDooshface.”

The San Diego Comic Con is underway. There are Trekkies, there are Star Wars fanatics, there are  Pokemon nuts. It’s a nice week of rest for the San Diego hookers.

First Melania Trump called for plagiarism, and now they say she does not have a college degree like she claims. All in all not a good week for the “Melania For A Pulitzer” campaign. 

Don’t think I have ever felt as sorry for a super model billionaire third wife as I do right now. 

Today is National Junk Food Day. We need a National Junk Food Day like Melania Trump needs a lesson on how to Google and cut and paste. 

Retired Yankee superstar, Derek Jeter, is on his honeymoon with super model, Hannah Davis. Not to gossip, but I hear it is going quite well. Derek is up to level 20 in Pokemon Go.

At the RNC, Ted Cruz got booed for not endorsing Donald Trump. Cruz’s decision not to endorse Trump backfired so much, Cruz is now saying he plagiarized it. 

That’s like giving a Best Man speech at a wedding on how how hot the Maid of Honor is. 

A Trump writer, Meredith McIver, took responsibility for parts of Michelle Obama’s speech ending up in Melania Trump’s speech. In fact, it went so well, Trump is thinking about blaming McIver for his four failed casinos and four bankruptcies.

(This blog is getting looked at closer than Melania Trump's college degree)

Since you asked:
When it comes to comedians becoming politically oriented, one way or the other, a brilliant comedian told me you go from comedian to comic to pundit to satirist to unemployed. 

Wednesday, July 20, 2016

A Trump writer, Meredith McIver, took responsibility for the passages of Michelle Obama’s speech in Melania Trump’s speech. Melania said she wants to move on and continue her work chasing Moose and Squirrel. 

Tuesday, July 19, 2016

Plagiarism, schmagiarism, I am a buffalo in North Dakota, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

It is hot, I am sweating like Melania Trump’s speech writer. 

R. Iowa Rep., Stephen King, made controversial comments about white people. King now claims he was plagiarizing someone. 

The Trump campaign denies that his wife, Melania, copied parts of a '08 Michelle Obama speech at the RNC. In fact, Melania wanted to thank her speech writer, Carl. Carl Cutanpaste. 

(There are a lot of cut and paste jokes, as one would expect, but this one is mine) 

The Trump campaign denies his wife, Melania, copied parts of a Michelle Obama speech at the RNC. Let’s give Melania a break. English is her second language. Her first language is Prenuptial. 

The bad news is it looks like whoever wrote Melania Trump’s speech copied it from Michelle Obama’s '08 speech. The good news? They did pick a good speech to copy. 

Despite the controversy, let’s not forget the message of Melania Trump’s well-told speech: If you work hard, good things will happen. But if you want great things to happen, you have to be smoking hot. 

Forget the plagiarism, Melania Trump giving a speech on the virtue of hard work is like Bill Cosby extolling the virtue of foreplay.

The Trump campaign denies that his wife, Melania, copied parts of a Michelle Obama speech at the RNC. I’m not so sure. Especially when Melania yelled, “Can I get a what-what, Barack baby?” 

Let’s think about this: unemployed billionaire supermodel, Melania Trump, hired speech writers who stole her a speech on the importance of what? Hard work.

The Trump campaign denies his wife, Melania, copied parts of Michelle Obama’s speech at the RNC. If you’re a Trump speech writer, A, do not steal speeches, B, really do not steal any Obama speeches.

Forget the plagiarism, am I the only one offended by how Melania Trump was mocking how much Romanians sound like vampires? 
(another obvious one)