Tuesday, October 06, 2015

The Lions get screwed on the Pat Spat, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

The first recorded use of the F-word was in the 1300’s. The exact quote was ;“Is that Larry “Effing” King?”

Twitter has a new feature called “Moments.” It is for new Twitter users. Next, for older folks, they will have a feature called “Senior Moments.” It reminds you what you were doing before you forgot.

A powerful firefighter union has dropped their endorsement of Hillary Clinton. They figure there was enough hosing during Bill’s administration.

The scientists who discovered Neutrinos won the Nobel Prize for physics. That’s great. But did they even look at my treatise on the effects on Halloween of doorstep flaming poop bags?

Google has dropped their corporate motto: “Don’t be evil.” It has been replaced with; “Google: We Got All the Money.”

A Dutchman, Ed Houben, has fathered 106 children.  In Europe, Ed is officially tied for fathering the most kids with Mick Jagger and every single Viking who ever lived.

On “MNF”, the Seattle Seahawks beat the Detroit Lions, 13-10 on a blown call by the referees. The refs missed a penalty for a ball that was patted away. This is the biggest controversy in sports involving a single ball since, well, Lance Armstrong.

The Seattle Seahawks beat the Detroit Lions, 13-10 on a blown batted-ball call by the referees. If that wasn’t bad enough, it turns out the ball was under-inflated.

This is the worst a Lion has gotten screwed since Cecil ran across that douche-bag dentist.

Monday, October 05, 2015

A man is suing a New Jersey Pork Roll company for firing him due to his flatulence. Let me explain something: If your gas stinks worse than a pork roll factory? You need to see a doctor, not a lawyer.

A man is suing a New Jersey Pork Roll company for firing him due to his flatulence. They cite the famous precedent-setting case of Cheek Vs. Sneak.

Eight members of the Iran’s women’s national soccer team were found to be men. On the bright side, their balls were not underinflated.

“60 Minutes” had a feature on driverless cars. What’s the big deal? My wife has had a driverless car for years.

ISIS destroyed an 1800 year-old Syrian arch. If ISIS keeps this stuff up, we may have to consider cutting of their funding.

Two greyhounds at an Iowa Greyhound racetrack have tested positive for steroids. Track officials became suspicious when the dogs humped their trainer’s leg and broke it.

It’s Polish American Heritage month. And for our Polish readers . . . It . . . is . . . Polish . . . American . . . Heritage  . . . month.

This Tuesday you will be able to get McDonalds breakfast 24-hours a day. Thank you, once again, legalized and medical marijuana.

In Denver, after receiving $900 in Botox, a man ran out of the doctor’s office without paying. Police released a description of the culprit: he looks like a cross between Caitlyn Jenner and Cher.

China has just completed a 900- foot-long, 600-foot-high glass-bottom pedestrian bridge. Before you cross it, they give you cloth slippers to wear over your shoes. And when you’re done, they give you a fresh change of underwear.

 Since you asked:

Week four in the NFL separates the pretenders versus the contenders, the fakers versus the takers, the believers versus the under-achievers, the winners versus the beginners, the brave versus the knaves. And yes, they pay me for this. Not much, but they do pay me. OK, no they don’t. But they should.

Jacksonville Jaguars need to get back to basics and finish painting their helmets.

The San Diego Chargers give their rookie kicker a second chance in what can only be described as a Lambo Leap of Faith.

It appears the Denver Broncos are going to ride the “Peyton Manning is washed up” wave all the way to the playoffs.

The Rams’ Gurley is a man.

The condensed NFL game viewing experience:

Kickoff. Penalty. Incomplete. Penalty. Injury. Commercial with Peyton Manning for Insurance. Incomplete. Punt. Commercial with Peyton Manning and Eli Manning. Injury. Time out. Commercial with Peyton Manning and skinny-legs Peyton Manning. Penalty. Coaches challenge. Lousy call reversed in a process that takes several minutes longer than if they had just called me and asked what I saw on the replay. Injury. Penalty. Commercial with Peyton Manning playing Peyton Manning playing Peyton Manning. Penalty. Nap.

Sunday, October 04, 2015

Eagles - Doolin Dalton & Doolin-Dalton/Desperado Reprise (Live)

Saturday, October 03, 2015

How is this degree of contrast even possible in the same world? 

A man in Denver received $900 in Botox and ran out of the medical office without paying. Witnesses said the man looked ecstatic. Or angry. Or scared, or sad, they couldn’t tell.

A man in Canada has pled guilty to trespassing, doing the laundry, dishes, feeding the cat and writing in the homeowner’s diary. Even the burglars in Canada are polite.

Donald Trump said the Oregon shooting is not a gun problem, it is a mental health problem. And then the thing on Trump’s head started foaming at the mouth.

Here are four of my 25 birthday card submissions:

Outside: Happy Birthday. No matter how old you are today . . .

Inside:  . . . next year, you’ll wish you were this age, you ungrateful bastard.

Outside: Happy Birthday. This year you are better looking, smarter and sexier.

Inside: Wow, I guess people do get more gullible as they get older.

Outside: May you receive the best birthday present of all: the gift of giving a random kindness.

Inside: But a Ferrari would be pretty bitchin’ too.

Outside: Happy Birthday. They say even politicians, ugly buildings and whores get respectable with age.

Inside: Mark my words, one day we will be saying Keith Richards looks good for his age.

Since you asked: 

What I know I know I know. (And some things I don’t)

Granted, I am not an expert on the movie bidness. But how in the hell is it possible for Paul Walker, who died in 2013, to keep showing up in “The Fast and The Furious” movies?

Members on my underrated list? As great as they were, Paul Newman, Stones guitarist, Mick Taylor and Minnesota Vikings running back, Chuck Foreman. (He was Marshall Faulk before there was Marshall Faulk)

Members of my overrated list? (Before anyone gets their drawers in a twist, these are still great folks, just, in my mind, overrated) John Lennon, Jim Morrison, Muhammad Ali and John F. Kennedy. Most overrated band of all time? Kiss.

Believe me, I like Steven Colbert and I hope his show does well, no monologue regardless. But his goofy-ass dancing before the show with that guy dancing and playing the plastic tootie-horn? Beyond painful. Would Johnny Carson act-the-fool with Doc? Dave with Paul?

Seth Meyers has a great monologue. Kudos to his writing team. Love the delivery and news anchor style, too.

Friday, October 02, 2015

US women’s soccer goalie, Hope Solo, will face domestic violence charges after a court reversed itself. It’s bad. When it’s done, Solo could qualify as an NFL player.

A man in Canada has pled guilty to trespassing, doing the laundry and feeding the cat and writing in the homeowner’s diary. If he had rearranged the furniture, it would have been the gayest crime in history.

A word-association poll claims the words associated with Donald Trump are “idiot,” “jerk”, “stupid,” and “dumb.” Trump is suing the poll with his law firm; “Bitter, Nasty, Angry and Petty.

For the first time in six years, NFL players went an entire month without getting arrested. To be fair, a lot of them can’t get arrested if they’re already in prison.

In Spain, Burger King has made it’s own wine they call “The Whopper Wine.” The wine is so good, when you drink it, you’re no longer creeped-out by the Burger King King.

Three more women have accused Bill Cosby of sexual assault bringing the total to 44. 50 and Cosby sets a Guinness World record.

The New York Jets are packing their own toilet paper to bring to London to play the Miami Dolphins Sunday. Big deal. The New England Patriots travel with their own toilet paper. It has pictures of Roger Goodell on it.