Wednesday, January 23, 2019

Russell Baker, rest in peace, was so great, he helped inspire me to try and make a living making people laugh through my writing. 

Maybe someday I will forgive him.

At a posh ski resort in Colorado, a moose chased skiers and snowboarders down the slopes. 

"Gosh, it would be so awful if the moose hit a skier," said a skier.

In one scary moment, the rutting moose caught up to a wealthy divorcee skier in her fur and gold lamé jumpsuit and, well, long story short, they're engaged.

"That's the last time I get stoned before snowboarding," said a snowboarder lying to himself. 

A man attempted to relieve his chronic back pain by injecting his semen into his arm. For the love of god, get some help, Louis C.K. 

Since you asked:

Mo and the Gorilla

The passing of the great writer Russell Baker - plus my joke about the moose and divorcee - have me reminiscing about the humor I ran into working as a bond broker on Wall Street in the mid ’80’s. 

It was top notch. Top notch. (Yes, even if much of it was derived from "Caddy Shack") The people on Wall Street were as funny as anyone I've met in comedy. Maybe funnier because the traders and brokers and back office workers weren’t trying to make a living being funny. They just were funny. 

Wall Street was a pretty fair meritocracy. Blue-blooded Ivy League former lacrosse stars named Chip worked shoulder to shoulder with street-savvy Brooklyn and New Jersey types named Vinny and Tony who worked their way up to the trading floor from the back office. 

One thing the traders and most brokers had in common was a quick wit. By definition, traders and brokers have to be fast to react to a massive amount of information. 

As a broker, we offered all kinds of services to our traders. Not only timely bond trading, but lavish dinners, Broadway shows, limos and also humor. 

Charm and wit were commodities. 

One of my assets as a broker was the ability to tell a good joke. Not only can I do accents, but the odd impression like the easy targets, Jack Nicholson, Bill Cosby, Christopher Walken and Jack Nicholson. (Yes, I said Jack twice. That is how good my impression of Jack is) 

In retrospect, Wall Street was my first foray into comedy. Telling jokes was an asset I provided the entire firm. The thinking was if someone at your firm could tell a timely joke, their brokering skills were timely too. 

And there was a ton of downtime. Entertainment was at a premium.

If you made a mistake as a bond broker, your trader would "put you in the penalty box."  No calls or trades for a day or two. They would do the same thing if you told a lame joke. 

The way it worked was, during one of our endless lulls of mind-crushing boredom, I would tell a joke to the bond desk. If it got a laugh, I would be asked to tell it to a brokers' client/trader over the phone. 

One of the few women who worked with us was nicknamed Mo. She was a niece of the company’s owner and founder, Hilliar Farber. Mo has to be in the Good Sport Hall of Fame. The things we said to Mo, in bored jest, would have landed people in prison during the current Me Too movement. Rightfully.

One day Mo tells me to pick up line six and tell her top trader/client my gorilla joke. 

The way I told the joke, I incorporated Mo as the victim: 

Mo was enjoying a day at the Bronx Zoo when a gorilla grabbed her and pulled her into his cage. The gorilla savagely had his way with poor Mo. 

Later, recuperating in the hospital, Mo’s sister, Bettie, asked Mo how she was doing. In a faint whisper, with her arms and legs in traction, Mo replied, 

“How am I doing? Are you kidding me? He doesn’t write, he doesn’t call. I haven’t heard one word from the rat bastard.”

There was no laughter from the trader, I could hear he just took a long drag from his cigarette, exhaled and said,

“In Mo’s case, the gorilla ends up in the hospital.”

Monday, January 21, 2019

In Ireland, a man attempting to relieve his chronic back pain injected himself with his semen. He collected and injected his semen. 

Authorities are at a loss to explain how this did not happen in Florida.

Saturday, January 19, 2019

Gladys Knight will sing the National Anthem at the Super Bowl.

The bad news? One of the Pips tested positive for a performance-enhancing drug.

Thursday, January 17, 2019

In Florida, a woman was caught with four stolen Rolex watches in her vagina worth $108,000. 

That isn't the shocking part. The Rolexes were still on the wrists of the guys who wore them.

Since you asked:

Will never forget the eerie feeling I got when Virg and I were getting ready to leave the hospital with Ann Caroline. 

It felt like I was getting away with stealing something incredibly valuable and I was not sure I was ready to get away with it. 

"OK, I am putting the Hope Diamond in the car in case someone wants to know. Not really sure how I am going to deal with the responsibility of having the Hope Diamond in case someone who knows better wants to intercede. No? OK. Sure? 

Going to get in the car and just drive off. Me and Virg, with this amazing thing we do not know how to handle. At all. Here we go. No fooling. We are going to drive the six or seven miles to our home now. And here we go."

Meanwhile, in the twitterverse

"I have a new nickname for the current crop of @realDonaldTrump hating, wall-averse Democrats: “The Wimpy Democrats.”  I mean like Wimpy from the old “Popeye” cartoons:  "We will gladly give you border security Tuesday for legalizing another 11 million illegal immigrants today!"

- Mike Huckabee’s tweet

"Yo, cha-cha. An arcane reference to an antiquated cartoon character, vis-a-vis an ironic throw-back to a hamburger-loving slob president is tres-gauche bodacious mendacity bordering on the maudlin, n'est-ce pas, babe? 

Screw it. Who wants pie?"

- Dennis Miller’s critique of Huckabee’s lame attempt at humor

Wednesday, January 16, 2019

Duane Allman with Cowboy- "Please Be With Me" (1971)

What a hidden gem.

Thursday, January 10, 2019

Phillip Rivers and his wife, Tiffany, are expecting their ninth child. 

Apparently, Phillip has decided, since there are no Chargers fans in L.A., he is going to manufacture them.

In the first week, 26 million people watched "Bird Box."

Spoiler alert, "Bird Box" is about people who, if their blindfold comes off, want to kill themselves. 

They got the idea from Melania Trump's honeymoon.

Tuesday, January 08, 2019

Kim and Kanye expecting their fourth child. Their other children are named Saint, Chicago, and North. No truth to the rumor the fourth kid will be named Hoobastank.

The Russian lawyer in the Trump Tower meeting, Natalie Veselnitskaya, has been charged with money laundering.

This is wild. The name Veselnitskaya is Russian for "Hookers who go pee-pee."

"The Bachelor" is former NFL player, Colton Underwood, who claims he is a virgin. A virgin?

They should have picked Chicago Bears kicker, Cody Parkey. If Cody can bang a contestant like he can bang a goalpost, that would be a wild show.

The bachelor on "The Bachelor", Colton Underwood, is a former NFL player who claims he is a virgin. The only thing harder than an NFL player staying a virgin is to find a Chargers fan in Los Angeles.

Since you asked:

A couple of years ago, YouTube stars, whom I am a big fan, Grace Helbig and Hannah Hart, made a film/series called “Electra Woman and Dyna Girl.” It was legit. It was filmed with a real director on a real set in Vancouver with trailers for the stars and the whole shebang. 

Co-stars, stunt people, extras, craft services. This production had it all. 

The problem? It was not findable on any medium I could find to view it. Not in theaters, not on Netflix, Amazon, OnDemand, Hulu, YouTube or anything else. It was an Internet joke version of “Argo.” But instead of a movie being made not to be filmed, this movie was filmed, it just was sent to a format nobody could find.

It even managed to get nominated for awards. 

Someone just pointed out how much Africa’s animals kick our animals’ ass. They said it's like Africa woke up when the animal store first opened and we staggered in all hungover at noon. 

"No lions? Oh, crap. OK, I'll take a poop-ton of deer and antelope playing and a few of those mountain goats."

We have some great animals. Bald eagles, bears, bison, cougars. But we have alligators and they have huge crocodiles. We have mountain lions, they have real lions. And Tigers. But no bears. Oh, my. Not to mention the O’s. Hippos and Rhinos. And one of my favorite animals, giraffes.

And the best of all, elephants. We don’t have elephants except in our circuses. 

We have dolphins, but everyone has dolphins. 

Watching Tarzan as a kid, Africa would sic about ten deadly animals on Tarzan a show. A huge snake or two, a lion, a crocodile, a charging rhino, a rogue elephant, gorillas, leopards aplenty. 

Leopards are some badass dudes, boy. Leopards are the Decathletes/tight ends of the animal kingdom. They can run down a gazelle and then lift it into a tall tree so scavengers can’t get it. Leopards have hidden 200-pound human bodies into the top of 20-foot trees. 

And that doesn’t even cover spiders, quicksand, and cannibals from the Congo. 

Short-dicked or not. 

Wolf Blitzer’s voice level always hovers just below, “OK, no need to shout, Wolf. Calm down.”

To paraphrase the likable Bugger McFarland, statistics are like bikinis, they reveal a lot but none of the good stuff. 

Donald Trump's poll numbers should not be confused with his Q-rating. The people who still support Donald Trump - and many are just Hillary/Democrat haters - don’t really like Trump. But the people who are against Trump despise him with a red-hot passion.

There are two main factors in Q-ratings. One is, A, familiarity - which Donald Trump and Kim Kardashian score out the roof, everyone knows who they are - but the other factor is, B, likability and Trump’s score was less than half of a normal celebrity’s likability two years ago. 

It has gotten way worse.

The Kardashians are proof Q-ratings familiarity numbers will sell products even though their likability is far below average. 

The general consensus is teenage girls say, 

“Oh, those Kardashians are so stupid, but I bet their perfume is amazing. Where can I get that purse? Kim is so vapid. But I have to have those shoes.” 

Now all that is on the positive side. Q-rating also rank unlikeability. The average celebrity unlikeability ranking is 15. 

Trump's is 50. And that was in 2016.

It has gotten way worse.

Besides a hardcore group of ardent MAGA's, it is not an exaggeration to believe Donald Trump is the most despised president in our nation's history. 

And they named depression shanty towns after Herbert Hoover. 

Sunday, January 06, 2019

Bruce Springsteen and Melissa Etheridge - Thunder Road

Saturday, January 05, 2019

Billy Connolly - On a plane to Australia - Funny story

So sad to hear Bill Connolly say he is seriously ill. One of the funniest bits I've ever seen.

Monday, December 31, 2018

Levon Helm Ramble At The Ryman "The Weight" on PBS