Tuesday, September 27, 2016

Why does Donald Trump complaining about a faulty microphone remind me of this?

Celebrity couples breaking up. First Johnny Depp and Amber Heard, then Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie and now Liev Schreiber and Naomi Watts. Thank god we still have Rob Kardashian and Blac Chyna.  

The debate has inspired drinking games: drink every time Hillary says family. Drink every time Trump says China, drink every time it dawns on you one of these two people will be president. 

There was a choice between “Monday Night Football” or the debate. In one you could watch people trying to take each other’s heads off, or you could watch the football game. 

It was 100 in Los Angeles yesterday. I was sweating like Donald Trump hearing the name “Miss Piggy.” 

And was it just me, or did Hillary Clinton do the "Caddyshack" gopher dance when Trump attacked her temperament? 

After her email fiasco, listening to Hillary Clinton at the debate lecture us on cyber security was like listening to Chris Christie talking about the benefits of cardio. 

And, during the debate, Donald Trump was sniffing like an '80's Wall Street trader coming out of a bathroom in Studio 54. 

Since you asked:

Donald Trump is that bratty kid you didn’t like who changed the rules of games so he would win. Hillary Clinton is the Reese Witherspoon character, Tracy Flick, in “Election.” People vote for her because she says what they want to hear, but they can’t stand her. 

How did a country as great as ours end up with these two clowns? 

As with Trump, I am a fan of Hillary's by no means. But anyone who says Trump did not lose that debate is letting their agenda destroy their credibility. Trump was not prepared. He gave lame sound bites. He got rattled. He sucked. 

The biggest problem with both candidates is their egos are so huge they honestly believe they're above the truth. Hillary is just smart enough not to lie five times during a debate. 

Not sure how much this debate swayed undecided voters. There were some who were probably impressed by Hillary’s win and changed their minds. 

The biggest thing that happened was uninformed Trump supporters - the ones in love with the concept of Trump, not the actual guy -  tuned in for the first time and were disappointed. 

Monday, September 26, 2016

A TMZ poll showed 75% for Brad Pitt with just 25% for Angelina. And that is just a poll of their kids.

L.S.U fired their football coach, Les Miles. He may be out as a coach, but Les Miles has quite a future as a used car salesman. 

Sunday Chicago fans had to choose between watching the Bears against the Cowboys or the Cubs against the Cardinals. That turned out to be like choosing between a gum-scraping and a full-body massage.

By winning the Fed Ex Cup, Rory McIlroy had a putt that was worth over $10 mil. It was the most a stroke could have cost a golfer since Tiger Woods’s wife, Elin, caught him cheating. 

Turns out the lesbian re-make of “Brokeback Mountain,” will not happen. The lesbian “Brokeback Mountain” would be called “Backpack Mountain.”

San Francisco police never found the culprit who bit off a bartender’s finger. It all started when the bartender refused to give the man a shot of Two Fingers tequila. 

San Francisco police could not catch the culprit who bit off a finger of a bartender despite starting with a hot tip. Now they’re the victims of biting sarcasm. 

The Chinese space station is going to spin out of orbit and crash to the earth. They got the idea from watching the Cleveland Browns. 

Kim Kardashian first endorsed Hillary Clinton and then said she was on the fence. “Kim, please make up you mind so we know who to vote for,” said nobody in the country.

Since you asked:

Three stories in sports yesterday, one tragic, one sad and one wonderful.

It is nothing but tragic that a young pitching superstar, Jose Fernandez, who, as great as he was on the field, was beloved more off the field, was killed in a boating accident at 24. Everything about this is sad.

And although he lived a long time, Arnold Palmer was so great and beloved it breaks our heart that he is gone at 87. Palmer was arguably one of the greatest golfer ever - Jack Nicklaus won the most tournaments - but his kindness to others and class is what will always make Palmer #1 in golf with Jack Nicklaus #2 and a few scant others, including Gary Player, a distant third.

The  wonderful story is Cubs catcher, David Ross, a beloved journeyman catcher with good skills ended his regular season career in Chicago, received two standing ovations, hit the go-ahead home run and then received two more standing ovations and took four curtain calls. Although a good player, it was the love his players and the fans had for Ross that was so touching. Compare that to the “Thanks for stopping bye” retirement of billionaire douche-bag and drug cheat, Alex Rodriguez.

What we learned was the importance of being a good guy off the field. 

As much as I love The Boss, I am going to have to differ with Bruce Springsteen’s argument on choosing to fight 100 duck-sized horses over one horse-sized duck.

Bruce chooses 100 duck-sized horses because, he says, horses can be tamed, but a horse-size duck will “F*ck you up.” 

Bruce points out that horses work in congress with people and might not fight. That is not the premise. It is implied they are going to fight you. You can’t agree with the notion there are 100 horses the size of a duck and then just ignore the fact they will fight you. They are going to fight. 

That would be the equivalent  of about 100 long-legged dachshunds or corgis wanting to tear into you. Horses have teeth. And hooves no matter how tiny they are. 

A duck, no matter how big it is, only has a beak. Yes, I have been pecked at by a goose and I know it hurts. But it is just one bill versus 100 mouths and 400 hooves. 

Another Boss note. Read a review of his "Born to Run" bio, and Bruce did not feel he could comfortably afford to buy a car until five years after "Born To Run"  at age 31.  

The more at stake at debates the more boring they are. And there has never been more at stake in a long time - since Nixon and Kennedy in 1960 - than tonight's debate, so it will probably be quite boring. 

So I am going out on a limb and predicting a game-changer. One of them showing up drunk. Or whacked out on pills, like Trump was in Mexico. A physical or mental breakdown, god forbid. A mistake so huge it almost ruins their campaign. 

Yes, this is wishful thinking, but it also my gut instinct. 

What is more bitter sweet than the last sip of coffee in the late morning? 

Saturday, September 24, 2016

David Essex - Rock On

Bruce Springsteen Answers the Horse-Sized Duck Question (Late Night with...

Friday, September 23, 2016

Rollin' wish dah homies, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

The New England Patriots are 3-0 without Tom Brady. “See, you don’t need Tom Brady,” is what I have said to Gisele Bundchen in my dreams. 

The New England Patriots are 3-0 without Tom Brady. And that is not an inflated estimate. 

Brad Pitt is fighting for joint custody of his kids. Because if there is one thing you cannot take away from Brad Pitt, it something with the word joint in it. 
(Obvious joke) 

At a congressional hearing, Sen. Elizabeth Warren told the Wells Fargo CEO, John Stumpf, he should be in jail. Stumpf was so upset, he cried and blew his nose into a one million dollar bill. 

Whole Foods has been fined $3.5 mil. by the EPA. Whole Foods paid the EPA the $3.5 mil. fine with an entire bag of grapes. (Another obvious joke) 

The first presidential debate is Monday and they are predicting Super Bowl-like numbers. So not only will Peyton Manning be in all the commercials, he’ll win the debate too. 

It was a year ago that Volkswagen was caught falsifying their emissions results. “We have learned our lesson and we will never do anything wrong again,” said the company that made cars for Adolf Hitler. 

Donald Trump is accused of spending $258,000 in money donated to his charity to pay his legal fees. So the money people gave to help the needy Trump gave to lawyers. Bernie Madoff is somewhere in prison saying, “Dude, that is sleazy.” 

In a related story, Satan just dropped his endorsement of Donald Trump. 

A man who hit former NBA star and Sacramento Mayor, Kevin Johnson, with a pie in the face, got the hell beaten out of him by Johnson. Black eye. Stitches. Let that be a lesson. No politician likes getting hit in the face with a pie. Well, besides Chris Christie. 

(Another obvious joke) 

The first presidential debate is Monday and they are predicting Super Bowl-like numbers. That’s why Hillary’s debate coach is Peyton Manning. 

Sen. Elizabeth Warren told the Wells Fargo CEO, John Stumpf, he should be in jail. Stumpf looked more confused than a Kardashian on “Jeopardy.”

Sen. Elizabeth Warren told the Wells Fargo CEO, John Stumpf, he should be in jail. Stumpf looked Justin Bieber in a lecture on quantum physics. 

In their divorce, Brad Pitt is demanding joint custody of the children. Brad is, however, allowing Angelina sole custody of the deodorant. 

Just up the road from here in Legoland. Who looks like the pain-in-the-ass here? 

Since you asked:

Between the hacked Sony emails and the divorce details, it is becoming evident Angelina Jolie is considered difficult even for Hollywood. It turns out she is not the happy-go-lucky girl who was committed to the UCLA psyche ward for three days, wore vials of blood and tongue-swapped with her brother at the Oscars. (Anonymous crew members on the set of “Unbroken” were not complimentary)

Double standards not only exist, they are alive and well. Women who defend women are called feminists. Men who defend men are called sexist. And Brad Pitt is probably no day at the beach. Anyone who is filthy rich and still has rampant B.O. and smokes pot like the second coming of Snoop Bob Marley Dog has to be a pain-in-the-ass. 

And yet I am going to be sexist and take Brad Pitt’s side. But, in her defense, Angelina once gave Brad a helicopter for his birthday. A helicopter, dude. That makes up for a lot.

Brad does seem pretty cool. While making “Moneyball” he heard Jonah Hill lust after his custom golf cart he had on set. So not only did Brad get Jonah a golf cart, he had it custom designed pink and covered with pictures of the singing group Wham. Why is this so funny? Jonah is not a fan of Wham per se. 

(That is the difference between money and stupid money. Guys like Brad Pitt, RIP, Paul Newman and George Clooney have so much money, they can afford to burn it up on elaborate pranks)

Angelina is beautiful, but not in a real world kind of way. You just do not see women like Angelina at the grocery store. Angelina is in the scary realm of beautiful like Olivia Wilde and Brazilian models like Adriana Lima and Emanuela De Paula. Not relatable beauties like, well, Jennifer Anniston. 

Rumors have Brad hitting their son, Maddox, in a drunken rage on a private jet. (That’s why I do not fly private jets, all that champagne, they are just trouble waiting to happen) There is a rumor Brad had an affair with his French costar, but the French actress issued a non-denial denial. 

Who knows the truth? 

To paraphrase the late, great comedian, Richard Jeni, Brad fell for the Angelina who had Kenyan hotel guests complaining she screamed so loudly during sex. (She could be heard over the lions and elephants) Angelina was openly bi-sexual. She admitted snorting coke and heroin and having orgies. She has tattoos on her tattoos. Piercings in her piercings. 

But poor Brad ended up with the Angelina who could not walk past a fly-infested orphan without adopting it. 

As Richard Jeni said it so well: 

“Who thought this crazy bitch would grow a heart?” 

Brad Pitt is about to find out that a grown heart is retractable. Here comes crazy Angelina again. 

RIP Bill Nunn.  Great actor. 

Thursday, September 22, 2016

It is the one year anniversary of when an India road crew killed a napping man when they paved over him. His name was Shamoosh Flatley. 

Whole Foods has been fined $3.5 mil. by the EPA. Or as Whole Foods calls $3.5 mil: one store’s entire day’s sale of grapes. 

It is the one year anniversary of when an India road crew killed a napping man when they paved over him. Nobody was arrested. There was no concrete evidence. 

At a congressional hearing, Sen. Elizabeth Warren, told the Wells Fargo CEO, John Stumpf, he should be in jail. Stumpf was so upset, he cried and blew his nose into a one million dollar bill. 

There is a yoga class in Oregon that includes goats. This just seems like a bahahahahad idea. 

Poor New Jersey Gov. Chris Christie. Snubbed by Donald Trump as a running-mate and now the bridge-gate investigation is re-opened. Hardest time for Christie since the Twinkie shortage. 

It is the one year anniversary of when an India road crew killed a napping man when they paved over him. Nobody was arrested. There was no concrete evidence. 

It is the one year anniversary of when an India road crew killed a napping man when they paved over him. His name was Aymah Speedbump. 

A man in Canada has been charged with stealing $135,000 by sneaking gold coins out of a mint in his rectum. In addition he faces the lesser charge of impersonating a piggy bank. 

The Music Man "Lida Rose"

My dad loved this so much

Wednesday, September 21, 2016

An arrest warrant has been issued for Cleveland Brown Josh Gordon in a paternity suit. On the bright side, at least a Cleveland Brown is scoring off the field.

Rio robbery liar, Ryan Lochte, signed an endorsement deal with Debt. com. So apparently Debt. com also helps people whom are morally bankrupt. 

New York City rat taking pizza home on the subway (Pizza Rat)

Today is the one year anniversary of the Pizza Rat. In the last year, Pizza Rat was hired by Papa Johns as as spokesrat, but quit because he hated the pizza.

In sad news, Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie are splitting up. It is serious. They’re bringing in a census taker to figure out custody.

So, does this mean I will never be adopted by them? 

Disgraced congressmen, Anthony Weiner, was sexting a 15-year-old girl. At this point even other congressmen are calling Weiner sleazy.

And thus the group “Men Should Not Be Neutered” takes another public relations hit.

Donald Trump Jr. tweeted a meme comparing a bowl of Skittles to Syrian refugees. This is not without precedent. Other political experts have compared Donald Trump to Hostess Ding Dongs and his wife, Melania, to Ho Hos.

Donald Trump has finally admitted President Obama was born in the US. “Oh, well, that changes everything, I am totally voting for Trump now,” said zero black people. 

U2 singer, Bono, said Donald Trump is trying to hijack the idea of America. In response, Trump said, “Hey, Bono, I found what you’re looking for. It’s a piece of Shut-the-hell-up pie.” 

In sad news, Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie are splitting up. The couple is seeking joint custody, but he’s seeking sole custody of their joints. 

Donald Trump’s running mate, Mike Pence, said his role model for Vice President is Dick Cheney. His role model was Darth Vader, but then he found out Darth Vader is a fictional character. 

At the Emmy red carpet, “American Ninja Warrior,” Jesse Graff did an impressive cartwheel in a long red dress. On the same red carpet, Kim Kardashian broke her nail taking a selfie. 

Tuesday, September 20, 2016

Donald Trump has finally admitted President Obama was born in the US. “Oh, well, that changes everything, I am totally voting for Trump now,” said zero black people. 

Saturday, September 17, 2016

A study reveals dogs understand human speech far more than we thought. In tests of word comprehension, dogs scored somewhere between Kim Kardashian and Kourtney Kardashian. 

Halle Berry claims her good looks were a hindrance in her career. This explains Bill Murray’s legendary stardom. 

Donald Trump Jr. said if republicans acted like democrats they would be given the gas chamber. Trump Jr. claimed he meant that as a capital punishment reference not a Holocaust reference. Like how we meant to call Trump Jr. a tool instead of a d-bag. 

Louisville destroyed Florida State, 63-20. The last time Florida State players did that badly was on a spelling test. 

Ivanka Trump stormed out of an interview with “Cosmopolitan” because she felt the questions were unfair. Like “Sex, Marry or Kill, Ryan Gosling, Ryan Reynolds and Ryan Lochte?” 

It is the one year anniversary of when archeologists found the skeletons of a couple that have been holding hands for 700 years. They also found the secret to a long, peaceful marriage: being dead. 

The heir to Hostess bought the Playboy Mansion for $100 mil. Hostess and the Playboy Mansion. One is the home of cream-filled treats and the other is Hostess. 

Since you asked:

Re-watched “Fury” and it was good. A condensed tank version of “Saving Private Ryan.” Here is my question: why does Shia LaBouf cry during the entire movie? Now, I am sure art-house film school twinks think his performance was brilliant, but to us less sophisticated movie watchers it was annoying and distracting. 

A 100-year-old sex crazed tortoise named Diego fathered over 800 offspring. Here is a picture of the horny old turtle.

Friday, September 16, 2016

A 100-year-old sex-crazed tortoise named Diego fathered over 800 offspring and is a hero for saving his species. “Oh, he’s sex-crazed and he’s a hero?” Asked an indignant Bill Cosby. 

A 100-year-old tortoise named Diego fathered over 800 offspring. In honor of Diego being an ancient tortoise who has had many wives, he has also won the Best Larry King Impression.

60-year-old Mel Gibson is having his 9th baby with his 26-year-old girlfriend. Not sure the sex or name of the baby, but given Mel’s right-wing rants, I think we can rule out Hillary or Bernie. 

The Duggars of “19 Kids and Counting” have adopted their 20th child. That is because Michelle Dugger’s vagina has been declared a hazardous abandoned cavern by the US Forest Service. 

Donald Trump finally admits President Barack Obama was not born in Kenya. But he hasn’t ruled out Tanzania. 

Happy National Guacamole Day. Hurry up and celebrate National Guacamole Day before the avocados turn, oops, nope, sorry, they’re brown. 

People keep talking about the bromance between Donald Trump and Vladimir Putin, but we don’t have a celebrity nickname. I’m pushing for Purump. (Poo-rump) 

The Duggars of “19 Kids and Counting” adopted a 20th child. They had to adopt. Apparently Michelle Duggar’s vagina was declared an unsafe work place. 

Ivanka Trump walked out of an interview with “Cosmopolitan.” You can’t blame Ivanka, Cosmo hit her with that hard-hitting question: “Who are you wearing?” 

A study reveals dolphins carry on conversations with sentences up to five words in length. Dolphin’s most often used five-word sentence is, “Man, people are so stupid.” 

 Not surprisingly, a lot of those sentences are blow-hole jokes. 

The CDC has warned that kissing chickens is bad for your health. Something tells me if you have to be warned about kissing chickens, your health is probably pretty far down on your priories.