Wednesday, February 22, 2017

Chew dah mang and dah mangulum, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

Gay right wing firebrand, Milo Yiannopoulos, resigned from “Breitbart” after he supported pedophilia. And he is removed from contention as a spokesperson for “Subway.”

In Ohio, an attractive 26-year-old blonde nursing home worker, Brittany Fultz, was arrested after a video showed her giving a lap dance to a 100-year-old man. She was charged with three counts of being totally awesome.

No doubt this was a horrible crime. On the bright side, the victim did break Larry King's record for longest 100-year-old man's erection. 

Scientists have discovered seven earth-sized planets orbiting a nearby star. This is such a new discovery, Donald Trump has not had time to place their immigrants on the travel ban. 

A London study says owning cats does not make you crazy. My Aunt Gertie and her cats dressed as the cast of “Cats” to the contrary.

Las Vegas has the Chicago Cubs as 7-2 odds to repeat as World Series Champions. Last year, you could have gotten 1,000-1 odds on ever hearing the words: Chicago Cubs repeat as World Series Champions. 

A study says South Korea will take the lead in life expectancy by 2030. The same cannot be said for their dogs. 

Since you asked:

Trump media counselor, Kellyanne Conway, has been conspicuously absent from the news. It almost makes me feel sorry for her. 


One can almost picture Kellyanne in her White House basement Siberia-adjacent cubby hole, like Milton in “Office Space.” She is flirting into her iPhone video using her hair brush as a microphone:

“Did I say alternative facts, you handsome devil, Chuck Todd? What I meant was avant-guard conclusions. Or better yet, creative hypothesis. Yeah, that’s it.” (Hair flip, giggle) 

What is it like working at "Brietbart News" when the only person to have to leave, Milo Yanaplusizedpopulary, Milo Yannbipolar, Milo the Y, was endorsing pedophilia? 

"Uh, yeah, Gary. Come on in. And please, don't sit in one of my chairs. Uh, we just heard from HR and everyone pretty much agrees, Gar-bear, we would like you to start wearing pants to work. Umm K? Good talk. Nothing fancy. Just cover up the boys and Wilbur. Buh bye."

Have this on a t-shirt. You would not believe the number of times youngerish people have asked me,

"Was he the one who said that?"

Tuesday, February 21, 2017

You're killin' me, Smalls, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

Police have put the value of Tom Brady’s stolen Super Bowl jersey at $500,000. Obviously that price seems inflated. 

And the value of Johnny Manziel’s Chipotle apron is a $20 deposit.

Kellyane Conway has been conspicuously absent in the press. Conway claims she is just receiving alternative publicity.

Oscar host, Jimmy Kimmel, said he might retire from late night television. And here is an even bigger shock: Carson Daly has not retired form late night television. 

Gay right wing firebrand, Milo Yiannopoulos, resigned from “Breitbart” after he supported 13-year-old pedophilia. You know we’ve reached a divisive time in politics when the only thing both sides agree on is being against pedophilia. 

The host of the Oscars, Jimmy Kimmel, said most celebrities are pretty liberal. In Hollywood, pretty liberal means they reach out to the disenfranchised: their groundskeepers. 

The Oscar host, Jimmy Kimmel, said not all celebrities are liberal. It’s true. There is Scott Baio, for example. And then, of course, there is Scott Baio. 

The Oscar host, Jimmy Kimmel, said not all celebrities are very liberal. It’s true. Caitlyn Jenner is so conservative, she considers water-boarding Aqua Yoga therapy.

In Austria, for the first time, an American, Lowell Bailey, won a gold medal in the World Championships of the 20K biathlon. Don’t confuse the biathlon with men’s figure skating. The biathlon is cross-country skiing and shooting a rifle. Men’s figure skating is skating and firing off shots of juicy gossip.

The host of the Oscars, Jimmy Kimmel, said most celebrities are pretty liberal. In Hollywood, pretty liberal means they once sat down and talked to their maids, butler and chef.

The host of the Oscars, Jimmy Kimmel, said most celebrities are pretty liberal. In Hollywood, pretty liberal means once a week they drive their Prius to the studio instead of taking a limo. 

The host of the Oscars, Jimmy Kimmel, said not all celebrities are very liberal. Some of them have even watched one segment on “Fox News” before they threw up. 

The host of the Oscars, Jimmy Kimmel, said not all celebrities are very liberal. In Hollywood, very liberal means they are Bernie Sanders fans and staunchly against the wealthiest top one percent. When they’re not busy being the wealthiest one percent. 

The host of the Oscars, Jimmy Kimmel, said most celebrities are pretty liberal. In Hollywood, pretty liberal means, in respect to the poor, they snort cocaine with a one dollar bill instead of a thousand dollar bill. 

The Oscars host, Jimmy Kimmel, said most celebrities are pretty liberal. Pretty liberal? In Hollywood, Bruce Jenner said it was easier to become a woman than it was for Caitlyn Jenner to say she’s a republican. 

Did you have a good President's day? Mine was just OK. Once again, I got a present for the president, but the president did not get me anything. 

Since you asked:

Going to do the math based on the somewhat shocking election and guess that the ratings for the Oscars might not be the highest this year.

“What are you talking about?” Asked middle America. “We can’t wait to hear how a rich celebrity clutching a $232,000 gift bag wants us to live our lives.” 

Sorry. My mistake. Like with everything else this political era, I am wrong. 

Once again, for fear of losing cherished left-wing comedy-related readers, I feel compelled to state I am neither a republican nor a democrat. (Not that there is anything wrong with either) These are just jokes. I used to be a democrat who campaigned with my mom for liberal candidates in Illinois, like real deal, Abner Mikva.

But now I am undeclared. Most republicans are awesome. So are most democrats. Like with most things, 90% are fantastic, but the 10% that are bad are so vile they ruin it for the rest. 

When I played football as a running back in high school, it came  easy to me to take out my aggression on the defense. It was clear they wanted to stop me and possibly hurt me, so I had no problem knocking the snot out of them. But then I also enjoyed giving them a hand up and cracking a joke. 

The combination confused the utter crap out of them.

One summer in college, I was a day camp counsellor at my old elementary school, Crow Island. And I had to learn how not to be a bull in a China shop. These were sweet and lovable little six-to-nine year olds.  And it turns out, with a little work on both sides, we were absolutely crazy about each other. Go figure.

In my mind, to declare yourself a liberal is to say you think you should always act the way you do with gentle, sweet children. (Which would be wonderful) 

To declare yourself a conservative is to say you should always act the way you do when an angry 220 pound linebacker is trying to take your head off. (Which would be cool, but probably result in jail time)  

No, I am proud to have both varying abilities of being kind and tough and I want to exercise them in all things including politics. 

It is upsetting and depressing to see people living down to their lowest cultural denominator fanning bad stereotypes. This gives haters and racists an excuse to be haters and racists. 

As an older caucasian male, it is deeply upsetting to me to some some fat, angry, drunk douche-bag shooting off a gun and screaming racial epithets. The word is shame. 

That is exactly what Milo Yiannopoulos is doing to gay men. Under the phony self-marketing guise and protection of claiming to be conservative, Milo is simply throwing flaming gay men under the scorchingly bitchy, and nasty surly queen bus for self-promotion.  

Gay men should tell that flaming publicity-whore hypocrite and pedophile supporter, Milo Yiannopoulos, to go raunch* himself. But even that unrepentantly grasping hot-mess should be given a chance to speak no matter how shamelessly self-promoting he is. 

* Raunch is a verb invented by midwestern kids in the mid to late '60's that means to get hit and hurt in the crotch/reproductive/waste-removal area. 

Monday, February 20, 2017

If I have told you once, I have told you a billion times, do not exagerate, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

Flamboyantly gay conservative, Milo Yiannopoulos, lost a book deal after he condoned 13-year-old pedophilia and priests having sex with boys. Yiannopoulos is a Greek word that means Gay Billy Bush.

TMZ shows a video of openly gay ex-boxer, Yusaf Mack, beating up a guy in a barbershop who was harassing Mack online about his sexuality. Mack tried to knock the guy senseless, but anyone who taunts an ex-pro boxer doesn’t have any sense to knock out. 

Flamboyantly gay conservative, Milo Yiannopoulos, lost a book deal after he condoned 13-year-old pedophilia and priests having sex with boys. Yiannopoulos is a Greek word that means Shameless Publicity Slut.

A study claims a four-second pause can cause an awkward conversation. Especially if that four- second pause comes after the phrase, “I’m pregnant.”

Since You Up and Damn Asked;

Lex's Five Life Coaching Tips

Historically, great athletes have made terrible coaches. Kareem Abdul Jabbar used to tell players, 

"Look, it's easy. Just pivot in front of the basket, jump and throw a hook shot down into the hoop."

Oh, that's great, but there is one problem, Kareem. You are the only person on the planet who can do that. 

So based on the theory that players who had to work their ass off at the game, because sometimes the game kicked their ass, they become better coaches, I am now going to become your life coach with my five tips.

One, start with coffee. A moderate amount of coffee is the only way to get going. Careful. Too much and you turn into Martin Scorsese, or worse, Tom Arnold. 

Two, use your brain as much as you can. If you have a job where you use the creative side of your brain, good for you. 

If your job is more physically-oriented, good for you, but listen to the radio if they let you, take time during lunch or breaks to play checkers, or Words With Friends, Connect Four or write in a journal. Or start a blog. Read. Write. Your brain is a muscle and there is no better feeling than when, at the end of the day, that muscle is tired.

Three. Now it is time to exercise. Walk your dog. Walk yourself. Jump rope. Do burpies. Ride a stationary bike. Treadmill. Get an exercise DVD. Planks. Vacuum. Walk up and down the stairs. Jumping Jacks. Any damn thing.

Four, meditate before dinner for 20 minutes. (Now before you think I am asking you to go join a convent/monastery or al Qaeda, you can learn how to meditate online. There is no chanting, no incense, no lotus position. Better yet, buy "Meditation For Dummies." )

For twenty minutes, repeat a soothing sound in your head called a mantra. It cannot mean anything or be stressful in any way. When you lose track of the mantra, and you begin worrying, just slowly get back to it. Meditation works. 

I took Transcendental Meditation in high school for track to increase my reaction time. But meditation is even more important as you get older. There is a lot of useless crap bouncing around up there. You need to clean it out. Meditation is a garage sale for the brain.

Five. As a reward for doing the first four, have a glass of wine or a beer. Preferably as you are grilling meat. Or two glasses. No more than three, but that is it. Otherwise you will feel like crap in the morning. And don't drive. And you don't get five unless you did all four before.

Five tips. 

Now be careful out there. 

And please, please, please try and remember Jimmy Valvano's amazingly great advice when he was dying. Every day try to think, laugh and cry. If you can do all three, that is a good day. 

Oh, and one more. If you're having a hard time falling asleep? Just tell yourself you're going to get up in five minutes and do some reading or writing for a while. Then lie in bed and think about what you're going to read or write. 

The key to falling asleep is trying to stay awake. 

It is looking like OJ Simpson might get released from prison this summer. The fatter OJ will head for the nearest donut shop where he will search for the real crullers.

Just in time for OJ to be appointed by Trump Sec. of Marriage Relations.

Sunday, February 19, 2017

I'll eat anything you want me to eat, I'll swaller anything you want me to swaller, come on down, I'll chew on a dawwwwg, arrrrrreeeewwww, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

OJ Simpson might be released from prison this summer. Bad news for the real killers. 

In the Chinese Basketball Association, ex-NBA player, Jimmer Fredette, scored 73 points in a loss. It is the most points ever scored by a guy named Jimmer. 

OJ Simpson might be released from prison this summer. Thank god. Kato Kaelin’s career has hit a lull. He needs a job. 

Somebody leaked the crime scene photos of Kim Kardashian’s Paris jewelry robbery and they are chilling. Kim was so terrified, when she took a selfie with the robbers, she forgot to purse her lips. 

In the Chinese Basketball Association, ex-NBA player, Jimmer Fredette, scored 73 points. Because he scored so many points, Jimmer earned a bonus: a day off at the iPhone factory. 

Saturday, February 18, 2017

Ivanka Trump’s perfume is the #2 seller on Amazon’s beauty list. Not doing well? Eric Trump’s cologne, Eu De Douche.

The good news is scientists have discovered a new continent near New Zealand called Zealandia. The bad news is Trump has banned their immigrants. 

In VA, two women from Mongolia were caught trying to smuggle 13 pounds of horse genitals. Customs became suspicious when they asked them how many days they would be in the US and they stomped the number out with their foot.

The custom agents thought they seemed too cocky.

But it was a balsy thing to do. 

(Stefan Mercier) 

California is getting a lot of rain. In Los Angeles it rained so much it washed someone into a theater showing “Manchester By The Sea.” 

In Beverly Hills, it washed a Whole Foods shopper into a 7-Eleven. 

Kraft Heinz and Pepsi Cola should merge. Then they would be Kraphola Fienz Pitsci. 

Since you asked:

And I shall call it Lex’s Tomato Macasotto. 

Invented my own dish. Take a sauce pan, fill it  3/4 with Trader Joe tomato soup. Fill half of that soup - or more -  with elbow pasta. Throw in lots of grated parmesan cheese, a few shots of hot sauce, some garlic powder, salt and pepper. Simmer for 10 minutes. 

It’s as if Mac and Cheese, tomato soup and risotto had a sassy and saucy bastard of a child. With a little zing. 

Just watched “Ricki and The Flash.” Do yourself a favor. Don’t. 

How is it possible for the greatest actor of all time, Meryl Streep, to have a good cast including her daughter, Mamie Gummer, who is damn good, and the always awesome, Kevin Kline, and still have a movie suck hind moose boobies? 

Well it do. It looked like the director was some stoner high school junior who won a prize in a "Why I want to Direct a Movie" writing contest. 

It was good to know there were some things Meryl can't do. She can't save a movie with a crappy script and lousy director and she can't sing and play guitar at the same time. Her singing is . . . OK.  

But the movie did have wildly underrated drummer, Joe Vitale, and the always cool Rick Springfield, who can play a mean guitar and sing. 

Pounders Sports Bar in Escondido. Big ass stage in back with a sound booth.

And the movie brought back vivid awesome memories of playing harmonica with the band, The Railheads, at great bars like Pounders in Escondido. If there is anything better to do on Friday night than rocking out with your pals at a great joint with awesome people dancing, I do not know what it is. 

One the brighter side of film, Netflix with World Wide Pants and Rob Burnett made a good movie with Paul Rudd and - you won't believe this - Selena Gomez called "The Fundamentals of Caring." (Which is Aloha, by the way) 

Selena kicks some solid ass. Quite good acting chops. So does Burnett's script kick ass. Funny and touching. Rudd is awesome as always and the kid in the chair playing a character with Duchenne Muscular Dystrophy, Craig Roberts, a brit, steals the damn thing. 

Did some work for "Kick For The Cure" with my pal, Paul Buckley for Duchenne's. 

Clay Matthews III is also a supporter. 

Hims likes thems, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

In customs in Virginia, two women from Mongolia were caught trying to smuggle in 13 pounds of horse genitals. Incidentally, horse genitals is Eric Trump’s secret service codename.

New England Patriots receiver, Michael Floyd, received a 24-day jail sentence for an extreme DUI. The Patriots feel this sentence is inflated.

In Boston the day after the Super Bowl, a man got a tattoo of Tom Brady on his left buttocks. When asked why he had a tattoo of NFL commissioner, Roger Goodell, on his right buttocks, the man said, “No, that’s just my ass.” 

In customs in Virginia, two women from Mongolia were caught trying to smuggle in 13 pounds of horse genitals. Customs agents became suspicious when they asked if they had anything to declare and they both said. “Neigh.”

In customs in Virginia, two women were caught trying to smuggle in 13 pounds of horse genitals in juice boxes. Who else hoped they could have gone their whole life without hearing the words “Horse genitals in juice boxes?” 

Historians claims James Buchanan was the worst president in history. As of this writing. 

Donald Trump called the media the enemy of the American people. Remember the old days when our president thought Russia was the enemy and Anderson Cooper was our friend?

An opponent of the EPA, Scott Pruitt, has been named the head of the EPA. “Is that such a good idea?” Asked a fox guarding a hen house.

An opponent of the EPA, Scott Pruitt, has been named the head of the EPA. That’s as bad an idea as putting Chris Christie in charge of guarding the donuts. 

Since you askededededed:

Flamboyantly gay conservative, Milo Yiannopoulos, started riots giving a speech in Berkeley. The liberals turned on him faster than Hollywood turned on Caitlyn Jenner when she announced she was republican.

Milo is just a publicity whore. He has tapped into a niche with being a screaming queen who is a tea party/rightwing dickhead. It is just an act. He plays down to the stereotype of a bitchy queen at the expense of minorities and liberals. Many of whom Milo is right about their being whiny. 

But there is no excuse for Milo going after the awesome Leslie Jones. No excuse.  

Friday, February 17, 2017

Ketchup makers Kraft-Heinz may buy Unilever. Experts feel this deal could put Kraft-Heinz/Unilever ahead in the food industry, but that their competitors will ketchup. 

New York Jet, Darrelle Revis, was charged with four felonies including terroristic threats and two counts of aggravated assault after a 2:43 AM street-fight in Pittsburgh. Revis is in such trouble players on the Cleveland Browns wouldn’t trade places with him. 

Malaysia is refusing to release the body of Kim Jong Un’s estranged brother, Kim Jong Nam. On the bright side, Trump just named Kim Jong Nam the Sec. of Fitness.

A New Jersey town is changing the name of a street to Dick Street. It was kind of mean because they told Chris Christie they were naming a street after him. 

Thursday, February 16, 2017

Retired Vice Admiral, Robert S. Harward, turned down Donald Trump’s National Security Advisor offer. Harward, a former Navy Seal and genuine tough guy, said he wants to spend more time with his friends and family making fun of Trump’s tiny pussy-grabbing hands.

The makers of “Monopoly” have dropped the thimble and are letting the Internet vote on its replacement. So far the leading candidates are a tin of caviar, a bowl of borscht and a bottle of vodka. Yeah, the Russians hacked us again.

Donald Trump had a wild press conference Thursday where he went off-script. In fact, to say Donald Trump went off-script is to say the Titanic diverged from its itinerary. 

Since you asked:

More Lex Name-dropping version Seal Team One.

The guy Donald Trump named to be the new National Security Advisor, but declined, Vice Admiral Robert S. Harward? He was the commander of Seal Team One right before my buddy, James O’Connell who replaced him in 2003. And the guy who replaced my buddy, Jamie O’Connell in 2005? A friend and a damn good quarterback from our sister high school New Trier West, Steve Fitzgerald. 

Its a small world, Seal style.