Monday, January 15, 2018

The "WSJ" claims Donald Trump had sex with a woman who is paid a fortune to pretend to enjoy sex. And besides Melania, Trump had sex with Stormy Daniels.



The bad news is Donald Trump paid a porn star, Stormy Daniels, $130,000 to hush up their affair. The good news is Trump finally paid someone who worked for him. 



“Fire and Fury”? Sloppy Steve Bannon? Sh*thole Haiti? Stormy Daniels? Trying to write jokes about Donald Trump is the comedy equivalent of a dog trying to bite all the rain drops.



Donald Trump allegedly paid off porn star, Stormy Daniel’s, silence over their affair for $130,000. That seems like a lot for a guy who gets to grab them for free.



James Franco has been accused of sexual harassment by five actresses. If Hollywood is going to end their sexual harassment problems, they’re going to have to think outside the box.



The Seattle Seahawks’ Jeremy Lane was arrested for a DUI over the weekend. So much for the theory the Seahawks could not get arrested during these playoffs.



Awkward moment when Donald Trump was told it was MLK Day. Said Trump, "Milk is spelled with an I. We stable geniuses know that."




Not to go into sordid details, but Trump hired Stormy Daniels because he said she is known to take it in the Haiti.


Stormy Daniels's adult film career focused on lesbian movies. So an affair with Donald Trump was not a big stretch for her.



Minnesota shocked New Orleans with a last-second win. Or as Donald Trump would put it, the Saints got it in the Haiti.


Several businesses have removed their Trump name due to a severe drop in business. Especially the Trump Proctology Grotto. It was a real sh*thole. 



Scientists claim a new device can translate animal noises to English. "My horse, Sassy, is a liar," said Roy Moore. 


Since you asked:



Dear Big Guy In The Sky:


Please let my scary, post-menopausal psycho neighbor with the incessantly yapping lap dogs in her backyard upset my other scary, post-menopausal psycho neighbor who hates dogs. Problem solved and hilarity to ensue. With an emphasis on sue. 

Lex’s Latest Brainstorm:



"Hollywood’s Next Producer"

The era of the sleazy, harassing producer is over. Now producers will be woke and stoked. Since so many old pervert producers are out, time to fill their spots.


It combines “Amazing Race,” with “Chopped,” and “American Idol.” Give four up-and-coming production assistants a modest budget and give them crazy problems to solve, aka, produce: best Steak Diane, 1,000 red balloons, a child who can sing the National Anthem, a set location for an Indian/Cowboy ambush, a grizzly bear that can ride a scooter  and get a Mercedes sawed in half. (Not by the bear, by someone else)  

And, whatever you do, make sure there is a weathered, burly, ex-jock, 50-ish comedy writer as a wise-cracking judge. 

Friday, January 12, 2018


(Sung to the tune of "Tiny Dancer")




Hold me closer, Stormy Daniels
Count the money on the dresser
Lay me down in sheets of rubber
You had a pissy day today. 



Now, I would hate to brag, but I just used a parody of a classic Elton John song to tie together, not one, but two of Donald Trump's alleged prostitute scandals.

Not saying this is the algorithm that explains truth, but this is damn good, if I do say so myself.  


Sloppy Steve Bannon? Sh*thole Haiti? Stormy Daniels? Here is a comedy writer trying to keep up:





Sh*t on a biscuit and call it gravy, this is a wild day even for Donald Trump, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers


The New England Patriots face the Tennessee Titans. Both teams, Patriots and Titans, have the word Tit in them. Point this out to NE's Rob Gronkowski, and he'll have the game of his life. 



Thursday, January 11, 2018



Five women have accused James Franco of sexual harassment. You know things are bad when you see an actor you like trending on Twitter and you think: “Please, let it be punching a photographer.”

A runner was disqualified from winning a 100-mile Colorado race when it was discovered he hid in a Porta-Potty. What a crappy way to cheat.

A runner was disqualified from winning a 100-mile Colorado race when it was discovered he hid in a Porta-Potty. Despite cheating, he was still pooped at the end.

A runner was disqualified from winning a 100-mile Colorado race when it was discovered he hid in a Porta-Potty. He didn’t know he was disqualified. He thought they gave him #2. 

A runner was disqualified from winning a 100-mile Colorado race when it was discovered he hid in a Porta-Potty. He flushed his chances for the Olympics. 

Donald Trump met with the Prime Minister of Norway, Erna Solberg. Awkward moment when Trump asked Solberg how far Norway was from their neighbor, Safeway. 

A speaker has been designed to be inserted in a pregnant woman’s vagina so their fetus can hear music. Or it can be inserted into single women's vaginas so they can play "Sing Along with Your Snooch."   



Since you asked:

Yesterday, my WiFi was down for a solid 20 minutes. At one point, in my mind, I compared myself to Nelson Mandela’s 20-year unjust prison sentence. Lord help me, I am a tool.

One of the many things I do not understand about comedians is where all the money suddenly comes from. Excuse my presidential preposition. 

Until they are headliners, comedians break-even traveling to and performing at weekend gigs. They make a little money if the comedy club has a hotel room on reserve or an apartment, like the Comedy Store in La Jolla and LA. 

Once they are headliners, then the travel to comedy clubs is paid for and they make about one or two grand a weekend. That just covers rent in Los Angeles in neighborhoods like Santa Monica or Hermosa Beach.

With a roommate. 

What I do not understand is how David Letterman went from his girlfriend paying his rent in Echo Park, or some other starving artist community, to living down the road from Johnny Carson in Malibu in a few years. And this is all before his talk show. 

Jay Leno bought his current mansion and most of his cars and was being flown first class before he got “The Tonight Show.” Yes, he did have that Dorritos commercial.   

Before they got their own shows, Leno and Letterman were doing “The Tonight Show” a lot, but at $500 an appearance. Yes, Letterman did “Password,” “Mork and Mindy” and was a regular on the short-lived “The Mary Tyler Moore Show.” 

But sports cars in Malibu?   

Louis CK, before he got “Louie” on FX  - and subsequently jerked-off his way out of the entertainment business - had enough money to want to turn down “Louie.” They, FX, just gave him such a lucrative and flexible deal, he could not turn it down. 

In one year, Stroking-Louie is financing his own gig at Madison Square Garden or the Beacon Theater, and buying a nice yacht and producing other artist’s shows.

And, though it all, all comedy writers are relatively horribly underpaid. 




Wednesday, January 10, 2018



Mr. Moose is on the loose, he's full of juice and that ain't no ruse, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers


After fires and mudslides, Californians are becoming sentimental of when the scariest thing was a private Happy Hour with Bill Cosby.


It is 2018, but I keep writing “The Kardashians have killed our collective souls” on my checks.


Awkward moment in Trump’s speech when he said he wanted to visit the Norwegian town of Yssup Rebbarg. It was a prompter hack. Yssup Rebbarg is Pussy Grabber backwards.



A TMZ video shows Harvey Weinstein being slapped by a drunk restaurant patron. “Oh, that’s horrible. Harvey’s done some bad things, but he does not deserve this,” said absolutely nobody.



A TMZ video shows Harvey Weinstein being slapped by a drunk restaurant patron. Joke is on the drunk guy. His hand now has an herpes.



TMZ video shows Harvey Weinstein slapped by a drunk restaurant patron. It was an honest mistake, the drunk guy wanted to give Harvey an encouraging slap on the butt, but it is impossible to distinguish between Harvey’s ass and his face.



Harvey Weinstein reached a divorce agreement with his wife, Georgia Chapman. It was the first time after an agreement divorce lawyers - not their clients - had to take a Silkwood Shower. 




Annoying publicity whore, LaVar Bell, said his son, Lonzo’s LA Laker teammates no longer want to play for the coach, Luke Walton. In a related story, the Lakers have copyrighted the term: LaVartarded. 

Tuesday, January 09, 2018

UCSB Track Team, 1980. That's me, top row, fourth from the left next to my great friend, Mark O'Connor on my right. Bill Hartnett, Tom Harris, Peter Allen. All great friends to this day. 
Is it just me, or does Stephen Miller look like he has restraining order against him from a women's shoe store? 

Get woke to the joke or you won't get stoked, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers


It is so wet in Los Angeles, a tidal wave washed Kevin Spacey out of a Kiddy Pool.


It is raining so hard in Malibu, Caitlyn Jenner is considering transitioning to a seal.


It is so wet in Los Angeles, Louis CK does not need skin lotion.


It is so wet in Los Angeles it washed Harvey Weinstein into the gay romance movie, “Call Me By Your Name.”


It is so wet in Los Angeles, it washed Bill Cosby into a Time’s Up meeting.


It is raining so hard in Los Angeles, the Kardashian sister’s lips and asses have been designated as floatation devices.


Donald Trump declared himself a stable genius. When asked if he has ever been in Mensa, Trump said, “No, I don’t trust those driverless cars.”


After Oprah’s speech at the Golden Globes, Twitter has blown up with “Oprah 2020.” But seriously, what chance does a billionaire TV personality with no political experience have running for, and yes, I can hear it as I say it.


Is it just me or does Stephen Miller look like the picture of the guy above the counter of the adult book store who wrote a bad check? 


There was smoke coming out of Trump Tower. That means Trump has elected a new Covfefe. 


The latest trend in Thailand is penis bleaching. The men in Thailand believe women love white penises. This makes the first time the phrase, "Women love white penises," has ever been used.



The latest trend in Thailand is penis bleaching. The men in Thailand believe women love white penises. To which Kim Kardashian asked, “What’s a white penis?” 



Donald Trump declared himself a stable genius. When asked if he has ever been in Mensa, Trump said, “No, but I hear Arizona is nice this time of year.” 




Donald Trump declared himself a stable genius. Trump is such a genius, he put the Mensa in dementia.

Friday, January 05, 2018


Michele Bachmann said she is asking god if she should run for the Senate. To which god said, "Didn't I just get rid of one of you nut jobs?"

Thursday, January 04, 2018


We throw down O.S. to the O.G., Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers 


An English chef, Laura Goodman, has received death threats after she spiked a Vegan’s food with meat. So Vegans are OK with murdering people, just not eating animals? 


A book, "Fire and Fury," claims Donald Trump told Hope Hicks she was, “The finest piece of tail Corey Lewandowski ever had.”  Not exactly, “Give me liberty or give me death,” is it? 


Today is the fourth day of legal marijuana in California. In Hollywood, the only woman who was harassed was Little Debby for her snack cakes. 



One of the claims of the new Donald Trump book, “Fury and Fire,” is that Trump eats McDonalds to keep from being poisoned. That’s like using horse poop for a deodorant.



Michele Bachmann is asking god if she should run for the Senate. Remember the song “Bette Davis Eyes”? Michelle has Charlie Manson eyes. 



Scientists have developed an algorithm that detects sarcasm. And it is not true Eric Trump thinks algorithm is the disease that causes white people to dance badly.



We tried to ask Steve Bannon to comment about his accusation against Donald Trump Jr., but we were told he was taking his daily beauty nap. 




As of today, marijuana is legal in California. That is great news because the drivers in L.A. were not distracted enough by their cell phones and automatic weapons.




Wednesday, January 03, 2018

Paco Shipp Solo




Took many harmonica lessons from this great guy and great player, Paco Shipp. Best harmonica player I have ever seen along with Billy Branch, Charlie Musselwhite and Jason Ricci. Ricci, whom also gave me a lesson.

(And yes, I have seen John Popper and I am not including him because, like Eddie Van Halen on guitar, way too over-the-top)

Tuesday, January 02, 2018

Scientists have developed an algorithm that detects sarcasm. Kim Kardashian thinks algorithm is the disease that causes white people to dance badly.




Marijuana is now legal in California. Today, in Hollywood, women were only harassed to share their Cheetos.




As of the first of the year, marijuana is legal in California. As of the first of the year, riot police have had to been called in to bring order at In-N-Out Burgers.


As of today, marijuana is legal in California. That is great news because the drivers in L.A. were not distracted enough by their cell phones and automatic weapons.



If you watched the college bowl games, you heard the announcer’s new catch-term, “True Freshman.”  A True Freshman is a regular freshman who only cheats enough on exams to stay eligible for football.


An English chef is in trouble for bragging on Facebook about sneaking a Vegan a meat dish. What is even worse? She fed them English food. 



Alabama will play Georgia for the National Championship and is favored by 5 points. Roy Moore is going to bet big on Alabama. And guess what? His bookie is a Jew.  



Kim Jong Un threatened us the North Korean Nuclear Bomb Button is on his desk. Kim Jong Un can reach reach the button thanks to his North Korean booster seat.



Scientists have developed an algorithm that detects sarcasm. To which Eric Trump said, "Those are some huge bigly words."



As of today, smoking marijuana is legal here in California. In addition, as of today, smoking weed is now legal in California.



Lots of guys got Harvey Weinsteined on New Year's Eve. Harvey Weinsteined is when you're so drunk you think women are attracted to you no matter how fat and ugly you are.



Scentists invented an algorithm that can detect sarcasm.  The scientists then began work on an algorithm that can explain what an algorithm is to us dumb guys.



Lots of people suffering from a Kardashian Hangover. That is a hangover that flares up to remind you what a huge ass you made of yourself last night.



Scientists have made an algorithm that can detect sarcasm. How would we manage to live without these brilliant scientists inventing things that are so useful?



Lots people suffering today from a Caitlyn Jenner Hangover. Just when you think it's gone away, it comes back to remind you how annoying it is.

Saturday, December 30, 2017

Helplessly Hoping - SYA

Tom Petty & The Heartbreakers "Angel Dream"


 This is the song I sing, in my mind, to my daughter. 

Nat King Cole - O Holy Night