Friday, June 15, 2007

Happy Daddy Day, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

More powerful than a speeding, uh, speeding, what are those things called?
Superman turned 69 this week. You can tell Superman is getting up there. The other day Superman smashed through the brick wall of a bank that was being robbed, stood there and said;

“Now what did I come in here for?”

Get it?
In a jailhouse phone call, Paris Hilton told Barbra Walters she has found god in prison. Yeah, in fact she has one of those black bracelets with “Who Would Jesus Do?”

Boom is so cliché
The military admitted they were investigating using a gay bomb; a chemical weapon that would induce enemy male soldiers to have sex with each other rather than fight. When the gay bomb explodes, it doesn’t go Boom, it goes “Heeeeyyyyyyyyy.”

The Green Loser
It is so hip to be green, now has never been a better time for a guy to be a loser in Hollywood. When a girl asks, “So why do you live in a Van Nuys studio apartment without a TV?” You say; “Well, I did that Malibu mansion, drive-a-Hummer scene, but my global warming conscience couldn’t take it. Now it’s a bicycle and a bus pass baby. It’s a thing I like to call responsibility.”

Spurred to boredom
The San Antonio Spurs swept the Cleveland Cavaliers in four games in what was probably the most boring and worst rated NBA finals in history. Spurs center Tim Duncan, if you’re having fun winning a championship, let your face know it. Duncan always has the same expression, just like my Labrador Kasey when the vet is checking her for worms.

Uh, no Arnold, that’s not, oh forget it
The buried bones of a-200,000-year-old Mastodon were discovered in Carlsbad; there was an awkward moment when they asked Gov Schwarzenegger what he thought of the buried bones, Arnold said;

“The Bury Bones is zah tremendous home run hitter but he took zah steroids, yah.”

We kid the Superman
Superman turned 69 this week. You can tell Superman is getting up there. You know what the 69-year-old Superman now wears under his tights when he fights crimes? Depends.

Hamas is about to over-run Mahmoud Abbas’s Fatah in a fracas in Rafah and Gaza. That’s not a news break, that’s someone talking baby talk. "Wases Hamas gonna get Abbas’s Fatah in a fracas in Rafah and Gaza? Yes Hamas wases gonna get Abbas Fatah."