Friday, June 18, 2004

This just in:

The Chicago Cubs are on fire having won six games in a row, no small thanks to admitted hand pee’r Moises Alou. In fact, Alou has been so hot, Barry Bonds is considering urinating into his steroid syringe.

We in mizzle of the shnizzle up in here, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

Now that’s mean
President Bush insists there is a connection between Iraq and al-Qaida. Well, there is, sort of; the words Iraq and al-Qaida both have A, I, Q. As opposed to Bush who doesn’t have a I.Q.

You hear me?
*No weapons of mass destruction, no direct links to al-Qaida. Apparently we invaded Iraq because president Bush simply didn’t care for their attitude, Mister.

*Steroid-rumor embattled sprinter Marion Jones called a press conference to deny ever using any performance enhancing drugs. Jones insists she has never, ever, used steroids and anyone who says she has can kiss her damn testicles.

Oh, please
*Under intense pressure from the French Fry lobby, the U.S. Department of Agriculture has proclaimed frozen, battered French Fries a fresh vegetable. Yeah, and the hot thick grease they’re deep fried in is now considered a healthy, refreshing soup.

In addition, a heart attack will now be known as a mere cardiac hiccup.

Not for nothing . . .
*Madonna told ABC’s “20/20” that she wants to be known by her Kaballah name, Esther. Esther? (Was Gertrude already taken?) After announcing her name is Esther, Madonna then launched her upcoming “Oye Vey” tour.

Look for Madonna’s, err, Esther’s next album: “It Should Kill You to Call?”

How hot is it?
*It has been really hot in New York. In Manhattan, it is so hot that the cab driver’s turbans are bursting into flames.

Oh my
*According to a new study, rats are monogamous. Rats stay with one partner. That is, until they become governor of Arkansas and then President of the United States.

Type casting
“Around the World in 80 Days” is out. "Around the World in 80 Days" features a cameo by Arnold Schwarenegger as a lecherous, narcissistic ruler. In other words, he plays Bill Clinton.

Give us a break
*An economic study claims there is no link between the amount of income somebody earns and the amount of sex they have. Oh, sure. And that’s why the line; “Hey baby, wanna see them cut-up my credit cards?” works so well.

An economic study claims there is no link between the amount of income somebody earns and the amount of sex they have. Or so the broke-ass guys who conduct economic studies would like women to believe

Is he sure?
Insiders say Los Angeles Lakers owner Jerry Buss is ready to give total control of his team to Kobe Bryant. Do you really want to give total control of your franchise to a guy who couldn’t order room service without ending up in court?

Since you asked:
I often say jokes out loud to hear how they sound, see if they flow (Flow? Linolium, what's that got to do with it?)

Sometimes I forget I’m saying the jokes out loud, I get so into it, when I’m in public and I get seriously busted talking to myself. When someone catches me, I do that thing where I pretend I was really singing:

“Did you hear the one about the(see somebody looking at me weird) do dah, dee dum dee doo um dee doo.”

You wish you were me, don’t you? Come on, admit it. That’s right.

(Sniff and sigh of cockiness followed by polite applause)

My five-year-old daughter, Ann Caroline, loves to sing the wedding song. But instead of “Here comes the bride, all dressed in white” she sings; “Here comes the bride, all dressed and wide.”

That isn't likely to get her invited to be a ring girl anytime soon.