Tuesday, June 15, 2004

We gonna rub about ten kinds of nasty up on this here, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

Happy Birthday The Donald
*Donald Trump turned 58 yesterday. Coincidentally, his hair turned fifteen.

*The Supreme Court preserved the use of the word God in the Pledge of Allegiance. In addition, due to some shady deal on the side, they are also going to include the name Starbucks.

Nobody listens to me
*Bill Clinton’s memoir is out. It’s titled; “My Life.” I still think he should have gone with my title suggestion: “Spill Bill.”

Bill’s book is 957 pages long. Apparently each girlfriend gets a page.

*It’s looking more and more like the Detroit Pistons are going to be NBA champions and get the big diamond ring. And they didn’t even have to have Kobe Bryant cheat on them to get it.

In their 88-80 game four loss to the Detroit Pistons, the Los Angeles Lakers didn’t pass, they took bad shots, they didn’t play defense, they whined to the refs, they whined to their coach. I guess Kobe Bryant was right, this really is his team.

How embarrassing is it for the Lakers to be the whiniest and worst behaved team in a game that features NBA cry-baby Rasheed Wallace? That’s as embarrassing as getting rejected at last call by Paris Hilton.

*For the Los Angeles Lakers, their game four was almost as ugly as ABC commentator Tom Tolbert’s green plaid suit. Did Tolbert lose a bet? That wasn’t a suit, it was a cry for help.

Women hated that suit. That suit took the laid right out of the word plaid.

Get it right
The Cialis Western Open golf tournament? Viagra sponsored NASCAR teams? When are these erectile-dysfunction companies going to get their sports right and sponsor a pole-vaulter?

In vs On
It’s getting so bad for the Los Angeles Lakers, following his dismal 8-25 shooting, Kobe Bryant is now officially having more fun in court than on court.

Next, on NBC
*The White House said it would hand over former Iraqi leader Saddam Hussein to the interim Iraqi government at "an appropriate time." Until then, Hussein is going to host a new reality show; “Last Mullah Standing.”

Pitch meeting
Here is an idea for a new reality show: combine “Queer Eye for the Straight Guy” with “Fear Factor” and “The Apprentice.” It’s called “The Apprentice Queer Factor.” The hairdressers that cannot stand looking at Donald Trump’s comb-over get fired.

Since you asked:
I’m turning into a TiVo slut.

By that I mean, I get this hollow feeling - when I watch Jay and Conan’s monologues the next day at Six a.m. as I make coffee and feed the beasts - that I am missing out because the recorded versions are a mere copy. A fake. A sham. A canard, even. (Exit stage right)

The TiVo’d (is that even a word?) shows are like going out with someone who is too eager to please; if they are always going to be there whenever you want them, you take them for granted. Although I hate to admit it, I guess I like my shows to play hard-to-get once in a while.

Confession time. Sometimes when I watch a recorded Cubs game on the TiVo, I speed it up to when I see the score change, and then I reverse it to see the action in real time. (Baseball purists feel free to puke) I can watch a three-hour baseball game in, oh, sixteen minutes. Therein lies the problem, I am now spoiled. Now when my wife tells me to do something, I hit her with the TiVo fast forward button. For some odd reason, she doesn’t think that’s funny.

Last night I was in heaven: I watched the Cubs beat the semi-evil Houston Asstros - and the sinister Roger Clemens - as I grilled cedar smoked and marinated pork loins on my shiny new stainless steel grill; hot air balloons floated over-head, as I alternately sipped a cool California chardonnay and tossed a ball to lab-beasts Wrigley and Kasey, all to the sweet strains of the Stones and Paul Butterfield Chicago Blues band lofting from the brand, spanking new outdoor speakers. Ahh.

Once again, bless you Smarty Jones. Bless you, Lion Heart and Rock Hard Ten. Bless your sweet horsy-smelling hides. And bless the Derby, the Preakness and the gods of the extacta as well.

(Polite applause)