Wednesday, June 16, 2004

Now, I hate to be a buzz-kill, but, at this rate, we headed for one righteous beat-down, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

Kind of embarrassing
*Britney Spears had to cancel her summer tour due to her knee operation. When Britney’s doctor ordered her to go to bed and put her legs up, she said; “You mean like on a date?”

How did that get in there?
*The Supreme Court preserved the use of the word God in the Pledge of Allegiance. In addition, due to some deal with V.P. Dick Cheney, the Pledge of Allegiance will now include the word Haliburton.

*At the White House they unveiled the Bill Clinton portrait. It was the first presidential portrait with a fold out and a scratch and sniff.

The portrait of Clinton is different than the other presidential portraits; it features more clowns and big-eyed kittens.

You’re telling me Bill Clinton’s portrait will hang somewhere along with Abraham Lincoln’s? That’s like a Hustler store opening next Carnegie Hall.

It was kind of embarrassing. Clinton must have misunderstood, when he arrived at the "unveiling," he had 100 dollars in ones.

Spanking to the oldies
*Japanese Doctors claim guys can lose weight through masturbation. I think it’s called the Whacktkins diet.

Right about then
*The White House said it would hand over former Iraqi leader Saddam Hussein to the interim Iraqi government at "an appropriate time." That would be right about the time of his death.

The NBA finals MVP went to the Detroit Pistons’ Chauncey Billups. Winning the NBA finals M.V.P. is such an honor it might even make up for going through life with the name Chauncey Billups.

Where is the Love?
*Courtney Love had to cancel her 21-date tour. I think the tour was billed as Psycho-palloza.

*Have you seen the picture of Courtney Love when she turned herself in? Yikes. When did she turn into the crazy lady from the old neighborhood that dresses up her fifteen cats?

*Courtney Love cancelled her tour. And due to her bad knee, Britney Spears cancelled her tour, and because of vocal problems, Christine Aguilera cancelled her tour. What does a guy have to do to go see a slutty female singer these days?

Thank god for Mariah Carey or we wouldn’t have any skanky female singers left.

It’s not unprecedented for a pro team, like the Los Angeles Lakers, to have seven great players and still lose. It just used to only happen to 45 man football teams.

That other problem
*Speaking to troops in Florida, President Bush reiterated his commitment to do whatever it takes to put an end to the biggest problem facing his administration. And after he gets rid of Michael Moore’s movie “Ferenheit 9/11” Bush is going to take care of Iraq.

Since you asked;
You know one of the problems, for guys, about being married? We can’t lie as much as we used to. Oh yeah, when we were single, we would lie about the stupidest damn things:

“Oh yeah, did I ever tell you about the time I saw Oakland Raiders owner Al Davis and I called him a scumbag right to his face?”

I’ve actually told this story to the point where I am starting to believe it really happened. That isn’t close to being true. Sure, I saw Al Davis, and yes, I wanted to call him a scumbag in the worst way, but I didn’t have the guts, primarily due to the 300-pound bodyguard who was with him.

Now if that happened, my wife would say, “I was with
you, remember? You didn’t say a word.”

When it comes to sex, all guys lie. As I have said before, if a rock star slept with five women, the next day he’d tell the guys in the band and the road crew that it was ten Victoria Secret models.

Well, guess what, fellas? Lying about sex also ends the day you get married. First of all, nobody wants to hear a married guy brag about having sex with his own wife. That’s like bragging about winning a game of Solitaire. (Where the hell did that come from?) Secondly, if you did lie, women live for the chance to bust you flat in Baton Rouge.

Cut to: A cocktail party.

My wife:

“Who are you kidding? The only thing you did five times a day on our honeymoon was drink beer.”

Once again, welcome to my private hell, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

(Polite applause)

Oh, my.