Wednesday, June 16, 2004

This just in:The Vince Vaughn, Ben Stiller movie “Dodgeball” is coming out. They’ve outlawed dodgeball in most schools claiming it’s a sport of violence, humiliation, exclusion and degradation. Well, yeah, hello? That’s what made is so fun, duh.

That’s way jacked-up, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

Daddy Day gift idea

*Father’s day is this weekend. If you are looking for a good gift for Dad, you can’t go wrong with Bill Clinton’s book, “My Life.” It’ll remind Mom that, at least compared to Clinton, Dad isn’t such a dirt-bag after all.

More on Bill Spill
*In a bombshell confession, Bill Clinton told CBS he had an affair with Monica Lewinsky: “Just because I could.” It’s sad when a former president of the United States is reduced to using the same excuse that a dog uses for licking its testicles.

Why, why?
*The original five members of Duran Duran have announced they are reuniting. Why is Duran Duran reuniting? Because they are Broke Broke.

Sounds familiar
*The Detroit Pistons crushed the L.A. Lakers to win the NBA championship. The loss was so bad, the Lakers announced they are going to return to Vermont to practice medicine.

No, not really
*Last week was the Cialis Western Open and today the U.S. Open began at Shinnecock Hills, New York. And today, Cialis temporarily changed its name to Shinnecock

*Rush Limbaugh has announced he's getting divorced for the third time. Apparently Rush tried to shop around for a prescription for a good marriage but, sadly, he couldn’t find one.

Sure, that explains it
*An economic study claims there is no connection between the amount of income you make and the amount of sex you have. Oh sure, all those hot babes go out with Hugh Hefner because he reminds them of Grandpa. That must be it.

Uh oh
*Geraldo Rivera announced he is going to return to Baghdad. And you thought the Iraqi's hated us before . . .

Now we know
*Ten years ago today O.J. Simpson led police on a slow chase in a white Ford Bronco. Now, looking back at it, we now know that he wasn’t trying to escape, O.J. just couldn’t wait to get out and hunt for the real killers.

She was mad
*Sprinter Marion Jones held a press-conference in San Francisco to deny the United States anti-doping authorities accusations against her. Jones is so furious at the steroid allegations, in a rage, she picked up a reporter and threw him across the room and through a brick wall.

That’s nice to hear
Detroit fans are so proud of their Championship Pistons it actually makes it a little more bearable to be a Lions fan.

About twenty more NBA championships and it might actually make up for the fact of having to live in Detroit.

(Just kidding. I’ve got family around Detroit, Birmingham and such, and it is lovely there)

Since you asked:
If there is one thing you know from this blog, it is that I hate to exaggerate or over-state my opinion; so as not to put too fine a point on it, I am starting to believe that the soccer moms in our area are the personification of pure evil.

What? You say there are people much more evil than soccer moms? Terrorists for example? Granted, terrorists are pretty bad, but at least they kill for a reason: religious fervor. A Carmel Valley, San Diego soccer mom will kill you over a parking space.

Who knows why?
Somehow, someway, the act of staying home and raising a child in this area has turned these women into this perfect storm of over-entitled, overly-competitive and self-absorbed pitt bulls with an SUV.

Step one
The way I see it, there are only two ways to handle these over-cafinated psychos. Let’s say, as a typical example, a soccer mom has just shoved her way in front of you at the grocery store. You can try and appease them – and the situation - by saying:

“Oh, I’m so sorry, I forgot that you are, in fact, the single most important person on the planet, and those of us not here to please your every whim, are the enemy. The reason I forgot is because you look so much like a worthless, selfish bitch. Next time, I’ll write it down so I don’t forget.”

Step two
Or you can take a slightly more proactive approach:

“Just so you know, I’ve given savage beat-downs to far nicer and less annoying people than you.”

And that’s how we play, “How to deal with Carmel Valley, San Diego, psycho soccer moms.”

(Polite applause)

My favorite
My favorite - not the rudest, mind you, just the funniest - soccer mom experience, as so often happens, involved a soccer mom yammering on her cell phone.

As it happened, I was standing in a line at the local smoothy place when this cell-phone-yammering soccer mom in back of me shoved her way in front of me. I politely tapped her shoulder and said;

"Excuse me, I'm ahead of you."

She looked surprised and nicely said, "Sorry" and, to her credit, got in back of me again.

Well, about two seconds later, she did it again. Slightly more annoyed, this time I said:

"Do you mind not cutting in front of me?"

This time, she wasn't nearly as polite, but, albiet grumpily, returned to her proper spot behind me. That's when I heard her say into the phone:

"What? Oh, it's just some ass**** who keeps cutting in front of me."

Why they are so scary
One of the reasons these soccer moms are so scary is the Stephen King school of "Make something that isn't supposed to be scary really scary" school of horror. Frequently the soccer mom's visage is demure, kind and sweet. They often look a lot like Bonnie Hunt, except they aren't cute, witty and adorable like Bonnie Hunt; they're more like "Schindler's List" concentration camp commandant, Amon Goeth (Ralph Fiennes)

And then others look exactly like the saddistic evil-doers that they are.

(Polite applause)

Since you asked, the expanded version:

Don’t you just love the puppet voice men and women use to imitate their significant other? Men imitate their women with the most impossibly exaggerated, shrill, whiny, bitchy, hen-like voice that no real woman has ever had. Well, except for Hillary Clinton.

But the women-folk are the best. Guys, when women imitate us, they make Forest Gump sound like British Prime Minister Tony Blair. Women’s puppet voice for their men is the voice of a Neanderthal who just had a stroke. (Duh, yup, yup, I like to scratch myself, I does, yup, yup)

And, Gents, don’t you love the way women love to throw out the word little when talking about us? Yesterday, I over-heard my wife say to her friend on the phone:

“Oh, Alex is so cute when he is cooking on his new little grill.”

Little grill?! Little grill?! Damn, woman, there are fighter jets that aren’t as big, shiny and cool-looking as my grill, Thunder. In fact, from now on, when I am grilling, the rule is that everyone has to call me by my call sign: Maverick.

And I actually wonder why women think we are morons?

P.S. Friends don't let friends Blog drunk. Word.