Monday, June 14, 2004

Wind it up, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

The Flakers
Laker great James Worthy had a great nickname: “Big Game James.” The nickname for Kobe Bryant, after his 8-25 brick-fest last night? How about “Big Adobe Kobe?”

*I could not get over how much the Los Angeles Lakers whined during their game four loss to the Detroit Pistons. Kobe Bryant whined to Phil Jackson about the plays, the rest whined to the refs on every foul. Woody Allen and Michael Moore combined don't whine as much as the Lakers.

Gary Payton will be named the playoffs M.V.P. Most Vanished Person.

The Lakers whined so much they announced their new mascot is Ross from “Friends.”

A Nation moves forward
*It is the Monday following the moving Ronald Reagan funeral. As a nation, we can now go back to concentrating on the number one task at hand: Wondering whether or not Lindsay Lohan’s breasts are real.

Not a good sign
*Bill Clinton’s biography “My Life” is out. As in his past, I’m not sure how forthcoming Clinton is with the truth in his book. It’s listed as fiction.

Bill Clinton’s biography is 957 pages long. When Clinton finally proofread his 957 page book, it was the longest Clinton had had anything in his lap that wasn’t named Monica.

Get the drum kit ready
*The re-make of “The Stepford Wives” is coming out. It’s about guys who are married to a robot. You know how you can tell if your wife is a robot? She gets drunk on WD40.

You can tell your wife is a robot when, every time you turn on the microwave, she starts dancing the Conga.

You can tell your wife is a robot when you secretly suspect she’s having an affair with the vacuum cleaner.

At night, she says, “Not tonight, I’m recharging.”

You know how you can tell your wife is a robot? Her first name is Kelly and her last name is Ripa.

Go Buffs
*There are new charges of alcohol abuse and prostitution at Abu Ghraib prison. In addition to torturing prisoners, apparently they were trying to recruit them to play football at Colorado University.

Maybe not the most sensitive take on this in the world
*One of the interesting facts about Ronald Reagan was that, during the summers in Dixon, Illinois, he worked as a lifeguard at an inland lake and was credited with saving 77 lives. 77 lives? Was this lake located next to a home for suicide cases?

Oh, well, in that case . . .
A Somali man living in Ohio was charged with plotting with al Qaeda to blow up a shopping mall in Columbus, Ohio. Authorities were going to throw the book at him, but then they found out the mall had both a Blockbuster Video and a Starbucks so the said go ahead and blow it up.