Wednesday, March 02, 2011

Quick, name something that isn't great about this picture. Yeah, I couldn't either.

Beef Jerky time, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

Today Libyan dictator, Moammar Gadhafi, said there is no opposition to his dictatorship and that he is only high on a drug called Charlie Sheen.

In L.A., Christina Aguilera was arrested for public intoxication. The cops arrested Aguilera when they asked to her to sing the National Anthem and she forgot the words, but her agent said; “No, that’s normal for her.”

In England, a professional cricket player announced he is gay. This was shocking to American sports fans. We thought all cricket players were gay.

In Los Angeles, a drunk driver crashed his car into a sober-living facility. Well, it’s nice to see Charlie Sheen trying to clean up.

The Oscars can be awkward. Like now when I call Natalie Portman to congratulate her Oscar win, should I or should I not bring up the whole question about me being her baby daddy?

An FBI report claims, in 1961, Ted Kennedy tried to rent out an entire Chilean brothel. Or as this move is known now: A Charlie Sheen/Elliot Spitzter/Hugh Grant Trifecta.

Charlie Sheen is taking his crazy on the road. Nothing clears up a drug accusation like ten rambling, very fast and incoherent interviews;


Since you asked:
This is not a perfect world. If it was a perfect world I would be on Lookout Mountain road in Laurel Canyon sitting in a hot tub holding a icy tumbler of Mount Gay Rum and Coconut water with lime, Olivia Munn rubbing my neck while, on the nearby deck, Keith Richards and Eric Clapton work on a duet combining “Little Wing” with “Wild Horses” as Emeril grills bone-in Rib-eyes on a Weber grill. (What’s the matter, Lex, isn’t sitting on a bouncy ball in your messy office and hacking with a nasty chest cold almost as good?) Bite me, inner tirade.

Here are my questions for Olivia Munn:

Do you feel the Egyptian revolution was a validation of the communication theories espoused by media soothsayer Marshall McLuhan? Just kidding, have you ever been with a girl?

How much would it cost Charlie Sheen to lock you in a closet?

Besides my “Let me put the fun in Munn” what is the lamest pick up line you have ever rejected?

Your heritage is Chinese and German-Irish. Does that make you Maneseish, Gerirechin or Nesemanire?

If I were, like, to be walking down the hall when your History class lets out, even though my class is totally on the other side of school, and I walked by, would you, like, say hi to me?

In your show “Perfect Couples” and skits for “G4” and “The Daily Show” you have laid spread-eagle in a silk slip on the bed, deep-kissed a hot blonde woman and worn a skimpy French maid outfit while diving into a giant chocolate cream pie. No question here, I just like remembering all of these scenes.

Let me get this straight:

The Supreme Court just ruled it is legal for people – people who believe god is punishing the military for allowing gays to serve – to protest at the funerals of US military personal killed in battle?

Shouldn’t the right to free speech come with a common sense caveat? Can’t we even agree that screaming insults at mourners of a person killed in battle is wrong? We can’t get together on that?

We’re screwed.

Like I said, this is not a perfect world.

If it was a perfect world I would be writing a treatment for a movie about a young couple who escapes to a Hawaiian vacation to avoid the pressure from friends and family to get married and have kids.

It stars Olivia Munn and T.J. Miller in their movie breakout rolls as the couple who decide to take stand up paddle board lessons from a quirky, but lovable, instructor/former stand up comedian who gives them sage and or hilarious advice on love, marriage and family.

It’s called: “A Stand Up Guy.”

The SUP instructor's first advice? Get a puppy. So they do. A golden brown Labradoodle named Ernie. (After Ernie Banks as they are from Chicago)

So this would be a early-part-of "Marley & Me" meets "Forgetting Sarah Marshall" meets "About Last Night" meets "Blue Crush."

But who to play the comedy writer? Hmm.