Tuesday, March 01, 2011

Sexy, smart, beautiful, funny, nice, talented, charming. Lord, why are there so few of us?

How to make Lex's head explode, example #2. Take a picture, circa 1968, in Mama Cass's Coldwater Canyon/Lookout Mountain house backyard of Eric Clapton transfixed by trying to figure out Joni Mitchell's whacky and brilliant guitar tunings. Oh, and throw in David Crosby about to give a joint to a baby.

Well played, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

Today Libyan dictator, Moammar Gadhafi, blamed Oscar winner Melissa Leo’s f-bomb on al Qaeda.

How about those Academy Awards? Congratulations to Melissa Leo for winning Best Effing Supporting Actress.

I can’t come up with any jokes about the Academy Awards Show, just like the show itself.

Was it just me or did Academy Awards host James Franco look like he was going to fall asleep on stage? Luckily 94-year-old Kirk Douglass was there to perk things up. How about Kirk Douglas on the Academy Awards? He was born in 1916. That’s just a Bieber away from the 1800’s.

According to “The Globe” Levi Johnston is working on his memoirs. He’s not writing it alone, Levi is getting help from a much smarter and better writer: Snooki.

Larry King announced he is going to do a stand up comedy tour. Poor Justin Bieber, just when his tour was doing so well.

You’ll never guess what they had in the Mideast: A day of rage. The day of rage is to be followed by 364 days of being seriously pissed off.

After several whacky Charlie Sheen interview rants, CBS is shutting down “Two and a Half Men” for the season. Probably a good idea, the last few episodes, Charlie was looking a little like he had been eating off of Mel Gibson’s plate.

Many experts credit Facebook for the Egyptian revolution. Yeah, and they credit MySpace for the strong turnout at Carl Swanson’s garage sale in Muncie, Indiana.

There is an old Hollywood adage that cocaine is an IQ test. If you use it, you flunked. If that’s true than Charlie Sheen is dumber than Levi Johnston at last call.

Despite violence and angry protests and being hated by millions, he insists on keeping his power. Not Moammar Gadhafi, Glenn Beck.

Lindsay Lohan and Charlie Sheen, somehow managing to make Paris Hilton and Mel Gibson look like Ward and June Cleaver.

A London ice cream shop is offering breast milk ice cream. Instead of small, medium and large, the breast milk ice cream comes in sizes: Kate Hudson, Natalie Portman and Queen Latifa.

I don’t want to say the Oscars dragged on, but the show was longer than Kirk Douglas’s earlobes.

Charlie Sheen is now saying if he doesn’t get a raise from CBS for “Two and a Half Men” he is going to sue. The show has to stop for his drunken whore and coke binges and now Charlie wants a raise. And they say Hollywood stars are out of touch.

Since you asked:
In the sage words of the mighty, mighty Bon Jovi;

“It’s my life, it’s now or never, I don’t want to live forever, I just want to live while I’m alive.”

So true. So . . . true. (Polite applause)

My pick for the next huge star? “Perfect Couples” Olivia Munn. Now, I know, I predicted Rap and Madonna would never last. But I also predicted Jennifer Anniston would be huge back when she was a pup doing “The Julie Brown Show.”

All the six stars on “Perfect Couples” are good, but former “Maxim” cover girl, Munn, is mesmerizing. You can’t take your eyes off her when she is on camera. (Yeah, uh, we know what mesmerizing is, Lex) In addition to being exotically Asian-American beautiful, she also manages, like Aniston, to be cute. And she has an almost Kristen Wiig-like comedic range. She can go huge to tiny in nothing flat.

In addition, Munn is sexy. What is hotter than a hot woman who is smart and doesn't take herself too seriously? Olivia is sexy. So sexy I officially grant her full blown Lex status as a H.B.M.M. Human B*ner Making Machine. (Oh, that's classy, Lex)

The “Perfect Couples” writing is predictable 30-ish-dealing-with-marriage-growing-up, but the quick pace suits my-ADD as it has to be to get all three couples in. Hayes MacArthur’s voice is an odd blending of Dane Cook and Ryan Reynolds and Christine Woods has a tad of Maggie Gyllenhaal in her. All likeable.

Yes, I am sorry, I’ve told the story before, but I am telling it again.

Back in the halcyon days of Laurel Canyon in 1968, according to many credible sources, there were essentially two kinds of parties. The first being the cliché hippy peace love wine and pot sing-along backyard barbeques hosted by the Queens of Coldwater Canyon and Lookout Mountain road, Joni Mitchell and Mama Cass Elliot. Yes there were crossovers and exceptions, but the general rule at Joni and Cass’s parties were no open/orgy sex, coke or acid.

That is what is happening in the picture above with Eric Clapton and David Crosby and Joni Mitchell.

The other type of parties were wilder and more sinister as coke and acid and orgy sex –all often supplied by Charlie Manson and his girls, but I am not going there now – reared its ugly head when hosted by rich and horny Hollywood stars, directors and producers. Like Steve McQueen, Jack Nicholson and Roman Polanski . . . OK, so I went there a little more.

Mama Cass took sweet, gentle, bespectacled intellectual song-writer Randy Newman under her considerable wing and strongly advised Newman against attending one of those wilder parties just down the street.

But Newman went anyway.

His shocked and stunned reaction and observations were captured forever in the song he wrote and sold to “Three Dog Night” “Mama Told Me Not to Come.”

(Polite applause rising to a loud crescendo)