Friday, February 25, 2011

Send this guy to Libya, hell, he outranks Col. Gadhafi

Can it really have been a year since “Pants on the ground,” Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers?

A study reveals spider venom can have a more potent effect on causing erections than Viagra. This explains how that Spider-Man dork, Peter Parker, got so many hot babes.

George Clooney said he has sex with too many women to run for office. Asked to comment, Bill Clinton and the ghost of John F. Kennedy awkwardly declined.

A drunk guy drove his car into a liquor store to steal liquor bottles. For the love of god, Mel Gibson, get some help.

The judge in the Lindsay Lohan jewelry theft case said any plea would result in jail time for Lohan; its all part of California’s new get-tough 42-strikes-and-you’re-out law.

Lindsay Lohan was ticketed for speeding. All we know is she wasn’t speeding to get to an audition or to return jewelry.

There is a debate on whether sexual addiction is a real illness or just an excuse when men get caught misbehaving. Either way, the cure for male sex addiction is the same for when you have a Viagra erection lasting over four hours: A picture of Betty White naked.

In Libya, dictator Moammar Gadhafi refuses to resign. I don’t know about this Gaddafi guy, he looks like the New York cab driver who denies you’ve passed the Statue of Liberty twice.

I don’t know about the Kaddafi guy. He looks like the guy selling umbrellas in New York who doubles the price when it starts to rain.

I don’t know about this Gadhafi guy, he looks like the guy working the late shift at the adult bookstore. Or so somebody told me.

I don’t know about this Gadhafi guy, he looks like the carpet cleaner who waits until the job’s done before he tells your half-off coupon doesn’t apply.

I don’t know about this Gadhafi guy, he looks like the guy at the car wash who steals the change in your cup holder.

I don’t know about this Kaddafi guy, he looks like the car mechanic who says; “Sure, your car seems fine, but if you don’t replace the entire engine it could blow up.”

I don’t know about this Gaddafi guy. He looks like the Seven Eleven clerk who yells; “Buy the magazines or put away. This not being a library.”

Since you asked:
You know that hot girl bar trick where they tie a cherry stem in a knot with their tongue? Just found out it is a hoax. They tie a stem into a knot with their hands and pop it in their mouth when you’re not looking. Then they pop the untied one in there and pull out the tied one.

Now I am going to have to seriously reconsider the credibility of about ten old girlfriends. But it explains why some of them were not as, well, adroit with their tongue as I had hoped they'd be.

Apropos of nada squatta . . .
Google, Skype, Twitter, Blogger, Yahoo, is there a reason these gazillionaire computers dorks have to use goofy names?

Just finished a paid writing job early. Now I gots me that all-too-rare got-into-the-college-I-wanted, date-with-a-hot-girl, just-flossed, clipped-nails and got a haircut, post-work out, car washed, cash-in-wallet, about-to-have-a-cocktail-and-grill-meat feeling.

I say now, can I get a boo yah on the skoo yah one time now?