Monday, February 28, 2011

How to make Lex's head explode. A, take a picture of the Rolling Stones relaxing over breakfast, B, have that house be in Laurel Canyon in 1971.

We gotta go if we gonna get gone, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

Reports indicate that Libyan dictator, Moammar Gadhafi his lost control, he will have to resign and he is rambling incoherently. No, wait, I’m sorry, that’s Regis Philbin.

I’m not sure Lindsay Lohan understands how much trouble she is in, she keeps asking her attorney if she can be released into the custody of Amy Winehouse.

Did you hear there is a feud between Britney Spears and Katy Perry? Katy Perry should worry, this could be serious if it was the year 2002.

The evidence in the Lindsay Lohan jewelry theft case is strong including a video of Lindsay stealing the necklace. Lindsay’s only hope at a trial is if her attorney can gather the members of the OJ Simpson jury who haven’t yet died of terminal stupidity.

Is it just me or does this Libyan dictator Moammar Gaddafi look like a guy who has a restraining order against entering all Chuck E. Cheeses?

On a flight from Israel to England, Easy Jet only served ham melts and bacon baguettes to primarily Jewish passengers. On the bright side, the pilots were only drinking Manischewitz Kosher wine.

A Florida dog was saved from drowning in a canal all night by dolphins. The dolphins guided the dog to shallow water and then kept him company. Maybe these dolphins can save Charlie Sheen?

Spring training is just around the corner. Pitchers and catchers report Monday, steroid-shooting personal trainers, hangers-on, sycophants, bookies and strippers report on Friday.

Is it just me, or are Mickey Rourke, Carrot Top and Moammar Gadhafi using the same really bad plastic surgeon?

Rumor is the CIA has operatives working in Libya to guide the overthrow of Moammar Gadhafi. I’m not sure it’s true, but a guy wearing sunglasses just asked me to read this: “Attention Black Swan, you have 127 Hours for the Fighter to end the Inception of the King’s Speech. Over.”

Since you asked:

Saw “Due Date” yesterday. Do me a favor? Don’t.

How did a movie this bad happen? It isn’t even bad enough to be bad. Love the entire cast, Robert Downey Jr. Jamie Foxx, Michelle Monaghan, Juliett Lewis, Danny McBride – he almost steals the movie, but you can’t steal something that isn’t worth anything – and I may be one of Zach Galifianakis’s biggest fans. And a huge fan of “The Hangover” director, Todd Phillips.

And I love travel/buddy films. And I especially love French Bulldogs.

Maybe this is why Hollywood has award shows for award shows. Clearly it is harder to make a good movie than anyone thought. All of the ingredients are here, but the dish falls flat. From beginning to end this movie does not work. Granted, Jamie Foxx didn’t even mail in his performance, he didn’t even e-mail it in.

No bits really work. When it tries to be touching, it is uncomfortable, when it tries to get gross, it is annoying. When it tries to be funny – again, except for McBride – it gets even more annoying. Yes, there are moments that are funny and I laughed out loud. But it was like miniature golf or pancakes. The concept sounds much better than it is.

So, Lex, you may well ask, you bon vivant, raconteur, gad-fly, sly-boots, man-about-town, what, pray tell, is your take on the Charlie Sheen, “Two and a Half Men” meltdown?

Key point: it is the Charlie Sheen “Two and Half Men” fiasco in that order. Charlie is bigger than the show. (Although my good buddy, Mark O’Snake had a brilliant idea to bring in Russell Brand as Charlie’s crazy English house-sitting cousin)

Sure, at the base of this is the cautionary tale of unchecked pampered star egomania running headlong into debauched excess on historic levels. Believe it or not, there are a lot of folks who would like to sit around all day high as a kite having sex with hot multiple partners. Sheen is not a pioneer at this.

Yet there are other textures and sides and angles to a story this phenomenally psychotic. And a big one is the show’s creator, producer and writer: Chuck Lorre.

Lorre is clearly a brilliant guy. But he also has serious issues, he would have to have issues to be labeled “the angriest man in Hollywood.” Remember, that is a Hollywood with that fat little ball of hate, Irving Azoff.

Not to take blame away from the suicidal indulgences of drugged-egomaniac TV stars, but there has to be a cause and effect connection to Lorre on both the epic rise and then flame-out collapses of mercurial stars Cybill Shepard, Roseanne Barr, Brett Butler and now Charlie Sheen. (Far less of a star, Tom Arnold)

Once an e-mail exchange between Lorre and Judd Apatow leaked out on the internet. It started out nice and affable on Apatow’s side and quickly went toxic on Lorre’s responses. They had some disagreement over who did or did not steal a show idea. For the most part, Apatow remained civil. Lorre went right to ballistic. Lorre is more than a couple of tablespoons of nuts.

So while Sheen’s rants against Lorre seem mean-spirited and wildly unfair and unappreciative on the surface, I am fairly certain there is some ammunition to go with that frustration.

It’s way too late and fabulously self-serving for CBS to claim concern over Sheen’s welfare in shutting down the show. Like all of Hollywood, they are about the money first and foremost. It is an indication of how bad things really are that they did lock the doors.

In his last rant/interview Charlie said he is still going to show up for work. If the studio doors are locked he will bang them like they’re $10,000 a-night-hooker.

Let’s face it, the last few episodes, Sheen has been looking like he’s been eating off of Mel Gibson’s plate. Now remember, this is not like how you and I looked a little puffy going into the office on the Monday after the Super Bowl. Sheen has an entire phalanx of hair, makeup and lighting experts to piece Humpty Dumpty back together again. And Charlie still looks like he and Sean Penn did a Tony (“Scarface”) Montana imitation the night before.

A friend of mine more connected to the entertainment world than I let me in on a little secret. Like sexuality, things in Hollywood exist on distinctly two different levels: public and private. While some actor will claim he is straight to save his leading man status, they can be readily seen groping dudes in bars and parties.


The same applies to sobriety. In Hollywood there is P. R. sobriety and there is what is real in private. It isn’t too hard for non-Andy-Dick-Lindsay-Lohan-Mel-Gibson meltdown-addicts and alcoholics to just take it inside and stay straight for public appearances. This is what Charlie Sheen should have done four years ago.

Think of addiction as a luxury party train that slowly speeds up going downhill and does not have stops nor any brakes. At first it is fun, happy and no problem to hop off. As it speeds up, the getting off becomes more difficult, more painful, so the smart ones jump off early and roll. Those who remain are increasingly lonelier and sadder. All who decide to stay on? That train will crash killing or maiming all left on board.

But now it is too late. Sheen has clearly taken some ugly turn – which isn’t helped by getting up there in age – where he has to go totally clean or he will die. Charlie has to throw himself off the train or die somewhere down the track.

Nobody wants to see a show called “One and a Half Men.”