Like Ebby Calvin “Nuke” Laloosh, we wanna announce our presence with authority, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers.
It’s going to be fine
Our real estate values are plummeting, oil prices are up and the stock market is falling. But you want to know how I know everything is going to be fine? OJ Simpson is going to prison.
I’ve said it before
A survey reveals 96% of adults use e-mails, cell phones or the internet, none of which was readily available until the 1990’s. In fact, in 1995 if a guy asked a woman if he could Google her Blog with his Palm Pilot, he would get slapped.
In fact, in 1994, a digital advance was something a guy didn’t get until the third date.
It’s never happened
Financial experts continue to claim this economic crisis is a crisis of confidence. Which is odd because nobody ever had their check returned due to insufficient confidence.
The Juice ain’t loose
OJ Simpson was found guilty on all counts of kidnapping and robbery charges 13 years to the day he was acquitted of a double murder. “That’s too bad, OJ is such a great guy,” said nobody.
So what happens in Las Vegas stays in Nevada.
If only
Researchers at UCLA have discovered a way for women to have an orgasm in three minutes; now all they have to do is come up with a way to make the guy last that extra minute and a half.
That’s sweet
The world’s fattest man, at 1232 pounds, is getting married; his fiancé wrote the vows: “Do you promise to love, honor, cherish and always, always be on the bottom?”
More juice
OJ Simpson was found guilty on all 12 counts of kidnapping and robbery charges 13 years to the day he was acquitted of a double murder. There were no reports of wild celebrations, but it was reported at several Starbucks many customers exchanged awkward high fives.
Since you asked:
Not to be a Pollyanna, but I think a little perspective is due during this doom and gloom time.
In 1987, I had moved across the country to become a stock broker in La Jolla. About a week after my brokerage license was printed the market crashed on October 19th, otherwise known as Black Monday. What few clients I had were losing their shirts and they were very upset with me. Little did we know that a year later the market would be higher than it was before the crash.
That crash seemed like the end of the world to me. I was wrong. The end of the world came three days later when my father fell into a coma due to an aneurism. One day I was staring transfixed at a plunging market index and a few days later I was staring transfixed at my Dad’s heart rate monitor.
In the nightmare that followed after my Dad passed, I tried to follow the market on TV at my parent’s home in Winnetka, Illinois. This was before they had cable so there was no CNN. All they had was some guy in an echoing studio at WGN with a cheap card table and a lone microphone reading off the results of the falling market. All the while my Uncle, whose family had lost their fortune and steel company in the depression, was trying to be helpful by telling me, for my Mother’s sake, it’s time to stock pile canned foods, melt down the silverware and purchase fire arms to fight off looters and sell everything while we still can. It was breadlines and rioting time.
Cut to: 1994 and the market was screaming up. The market was screaming and yet there was nobody who owned a workable cell phone, nobody had e-mails and there was practically nobody on the Internet but a bunch of dorks. If you had a computer you used it to write on Word Perfect or do spread sheets, but more likely it was used just to play games.
Now look at us. Not only can you instantly see the “SNL” Tina Fey portrayal of Sarah Palin on YouTube, you’ll be able to buy the Larry Flynt porn DVD with a look-alike Sarah Palin titled “Nailin’ Palin” on Amazon.com.
Is this a great country or what? Don’t melt down the silverware quite yet.
It’s going to be fine
Our real estate values are plummeting, oil prices are up and the stock market is falling. But you want to know how I know everything is going to be fine? OJ Simpson is going to prison.
I’ve said it before
A survey reveals 96% of adults use e-mails, cell phones or the internet, none of which was readily available until the 1990’s. In fact, in 1995 if a guy asked a woman if he could Google her Blog with his Palm Pilot, he would get slapped.
In fact, in 1994, a digital advance was something a guy didn’t get until the third date.
It’s never happened
Financial experts continue to claim this economic crisis is a crisis of confidence. Which is odd because nobody ever had their check returned due to insufficient confidence.
The Juice ain’t loose
OJ Simpson was found guilty on all counts of kidnapping and robbery charges 13 years to the day he was acquitted of a double murder. “That’s too bad, OJ is such a great guy,” said nobody.
So what happens in Las Vegas stays in Nevada.
If only
Researchers at UCLA have discovered a way for women to have an orgasm in three minutes; now all they have to do is come up with a way to make the guy last that extra minute and a half.
That’s sweet
The world’s fattest man, at 1232 pounds, is getting married; his fiancé wrote the vows: “Do you promise to love, honor, cherish and always, always be on the bottom?”
More juice
OJ Simpson was found guilty on all 12 counts of kidnapping and robbery charges 13 years to the day he was acquitted of a double murder. There were no reports of wild celebrations, but it was reported at several Starbucks many customers exchanged awkward high fives.
Since you asked:
Not to be a Pollyanna, but I think a little perspective is due during this doom and gloom time.
In 1987, I had moved across the country to become a stock broker in La Jolla. About a week after my brokerage license was printed the market crashed on October 19th, otherwise known as Black Monday. What few clients I had were losing their shirts and they were very upset with me. Little did we know that a year later the market would be higher than it was before the crash.
That crash seemed like the end of the world to me. I was wrong. The end of the world came three days later when my father fell into a coma due to an aneurism. One day I was staring transfixed at a plunging market index and a few days later I was staring transfixed at my Dad’s heart rate monitor.
In the nightmare that followed after my Dad passed, I tried to follow the market on TV at my parent’s home in Winnetka, Illinois. This was before they had cable so there was no CNN. All they had was some guy in an echoing studio at WGN with a cheap card table and a lone microphone reading off the results of the falling market. All the while my Uncle, whose family had lost their fortune and steel company in the depression, was trying to be helpful by telling me, for my Mother’s sake, it’s time to stock pile canned foods, melt down the silverware and purchase fire arms to fight off looters and sell everything while we still can. It was breadlines and rioting time.
Cut to: 1994 and the market was screaming up. The market was screaming and yet there was nobody who owned a workable cell phone, nobody had e-mails and there was practically nobody on the Internet but a bunch of dorks. If you had a computer you used it to write on Word Perfect or do spread sheets, but more likely it was used just to play games.
Now look at us. Not only can you instantly see the “SNL” Tina Fey portrayal of Sarah Palin on YouTube, you’ll be able to buy the Larry Flynt porn DVD with a look-alike Sarah Palin titled “Nailin’ Palin” on Amazon.com.
Is this a great country or what? Don’t melt down the silverware quite yet.
posted by Alex at
10:01 AM
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