In the words of Ebby Calvin “Nuke” Laloosh, you must play this game with fear and ignorance, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

Give him a hand
A German man is recovering after receiving a double arm transplant. He is now considered armed but not dangerous.

Yuck
Roseanne Barr claims somebody stole a sex tape of her. Upon hearing there was a Roseanne sex tape, the double arm transplant demanded to have his arms removed along with his eyes.

Who would steal a Roseanne Barr sex tape? Even Tom Arnold couldn’t stomach that.

Roseanne received an anonymous note demanding that she please, please take the tape back.

Polled
A survey claims that 89% of men polled claim they prefer women with smaller natural breasts to women with larger fake breasts. Another survey reveals 89% of men are polled while standing next to their wife.

Bad week
You think you had a rough day in the market? I bought stock in the financial company that bundled the mortgage of Nick Nolte’s Malibu house.

Poled
A survey claims that 89% of men polled claim they prefer women with smaller natural breasts to women with larger fake breasts. Another survey reveals that 89% of polls are conducted by scary looking women with small breasts.

Bush league
Laura Bush and her daughter Jenna just co-authored a children’s book called “Read All About It” about a boy who doesn’t like to read. Or as they call him Dubya.

Not good
This market is a mess. My broker didn't jump off a ledge, but I did catch him chugging a glass of Chinese milk.