It take a playa to play the play we play today, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

This hurt me more than it will hurt you
Did you see the security footage of the big bear cub cruising into a Subway sandwich shop? You know how they got rid of the Cub? They put it in the baseball playoffs.

Better do ssssomthin’ ‘bout that sssssspeech impediment, Ssssssssonny, whooooooa.
I don’t want to imply that John McCain whistles when he talks, but, at one point during the debate, I thought McCain was doing voice-over work for Gopher in “Winnie the Pooh.”

Not good
To give you an idea how bad the economy is, today the Beverly Hills Chihuahua had sex-for-pay with the Encino Beagle.

Again, not good
David Duchovney finished his sexual addiction rehab, but I don’t know if he is serious about his recovery. Today Duchovney attended a sexaholics anonymous meeting at the Playboy Mansion.


How about that?
The good news about this financial crisis is that it has really forced me to diversify my investments. In fact my investments are so diversified, they diversified right out of my portfolio.

This market has really put back the dive in diversify.

Huh?
Nick Nolte had to jump out a window when his Malibu house caught fire. The weird part? When Nolte jumped out of the window he was at his next door neighbor’s house.

E-mail goggles
A problem is people send regretful e-mails when drunk so Google’s e-mail system, G-mail, has safeguards to stop it. They ask questions to determine if you’re drunk like what’s 199+87? What’s the capital of New York? Who is hotter, Sarah Palin or Hillary Clinton?

Ya sure ya know there
Sarah Palin referred to Afghanistan as a neighboring country. Yeah, apparently it’s where all those Akmed Sixpacks live.

Keep it fair
During the debate, John McCain referred to Barack Obama as that one. To be fair to the older McCain, the candidates really should have been wearing name tags.

You think that’s bad, at one point McCain referred to himself as what’s-his-name.

Sex therapy
David Duchovney checked out of sexual addiction rehab; the treatment for sexual addiction varies greatly depending on the sex. Female sex addicts undergo intensive psycho therapy and behavioral modification exercises; with male sex addicts they just take away their wallet.

Since you asked:
Dog’s Long Shadow is my new rock/blues/country fusion band. Our first single is Santa Ana Dreams. “A dream of you blew into my heart like a Santa Ana wind.”

OK, maybe not. Too eighties? Yeah.

Lord knows I am a fan of the comfort food. In these disquieting times we can use all the comfort we can get. Macaroni and cheese, grilled bologna with barbeque sauce, meat loaf, hot dogs, cheeseburgers and – pause for Herald Trumpets – the ol’ P.B. and J with a cold glass of milk.

But for decades we let our comfort foods choose us. Mac and Cheese? Kraft. Hot dogs? Oscar Meyer. Hamburgers? Mickie D’s. Meat loaf? However Mom, bless her heart, made it.

But with the tiniest bit of effort and the slightest increase in expense, you can make these comfort foods even better. Hot dogs? Nathan’s. Mac and Cheese? Do it yourself with Havarti and a fancy cheddar. Hell, Boar’s Head deli foods has an unbelievable bologna.

One of the things I do make that I could probably get in a bottle is barbeque sauce. But I loves me some my peach barbeque sauce, yo. Sautee some diced yellow onions, add peach preserve, a splash of apple cider vinegar, a big dollop of ketchup, mustard, Worcestershire sauce and dust with garlic powder. Simmer it down for 15 minutes. What? Are you kiddin’ me?

What comfort food did I sexy up a touch this morning? Cheerios.

“OK, hold on there, Lex. How is it possible to improve on or sexy up as you so gaily put it, Cheerios?”

Well, inner tirade, I will tell you. I grilled a banana. Yep, got the grill real hot, and plopped a banana right on it until there were black and brown grill marks. Five minutes total. Sliced it up and put it on the Cheerios. They tasted like a cosmic combination of bananas and roasted marshmallows, is all they tasted like.

Good googly moog, there has to come a time when I start charging for these pearls of wisdom.