Friday, April 27, 2007

It gonna do what it gonna do when it do what it gonna do, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

How hot is it?
It has been hot back east. It is so hot in Washington D.C. Alberto Gonzales is sticking to his alibis.

This joke doesn’t have a leg to stand on
Heather Mills was voted off “Dancing with the Stars” She was hopping mad.

Spark it up
Astronomers have found a planet outside our galaxy that could be inhabitable with air and water; you know what this means? Fire up the SUV’s, ‘cause we got ourselves a spare.

Stats don’t lie
According to a poll, 70% of Muslims felt the United States wants to weaken and divide the Muslim world. The other 30% are glad Rosie O’Donnell is leaving “The View.”

Is it drafty in here?
The NFL is gearing up for their draft this weekend. The Cincinnati Bengals may trade their first pick for a felon to be named later.

Presidential candidate Dennis Kucinich is planning to impeach vice president Dick Cheney. Asked to comment, Dick Cheney said; “Oh, that is so cute.”

That explains it
Sheryl Crow is asking us to just use one square of toilet paper per bathroom visit; and just exactly how are we supposed to get by with only using one tiny square of toilet paper? Depends.

We like and kid the Alec, but spell the name right
Today is “Bring your child to work” day. Or as Alec Baldwin calls it: “Berate your child at work day.”

Stick to what you know
Now Sheryl Crow claims her request for everyone to use one square of toilet paper was just a joke. See? This is why comedians don’t try and cut a rock album.

Moving on
Rosie O’Donnell is leaving “The View” in June. Rosie is chasing her dream to star in the lead role of “The Ted Kennedy Story.”

This is bad news for “The View” ratings but good news for “The Views” couch.

ABC couldn’t come to terms with Rosie. But you had a feeling ABC wasn’t committed to the contract talks: they hired Donald Trump as their negotiator.

ABC didn’t want to give Rosie a percentage of the show’s back end and lord knows ABC didn’t want a percentage of Rosie’s back end.

Rumor has it the negotiations got a little heated. At one point ABC threatened to drop a house on Rosie’s sister.

Since you asked:
Hugh Grant was arrested in England for throwing his beans at a photographer. When I first read this I thought: “Oh, those English and their witty expressions. But what does throwing his beans mean?” No, he really threw a container of beans at the guy.

OK, we can all agree that Paparazzi are blood suckers who we all wish would go away. But you didn’t look at the shot of the panty-less Britney coming out of the limo? The Paris sex tape?

Admit it, we all like to look into Hollywood’s bedroom window. That’s why shows like “Entourage” and “Curb Your Enthusiasm” are such big hits. They give us an authentic look into what it would be like to hob nob – does anyone still hob or nob? – with big shots.

And TMZ and Smoking Gun, along with the Internet and everyone having a digital video camera in their phone, has allowed this to happen. How far has this hi-tech invasion gone? Too Far. There is an entire web site with nothing but pictures of famous people picking at their butts and crotches. Granted, half of them are Paris Hilton, but come on. People pick at themselves, movie stars are people. Why are we so fascinated when Lindsay Lohan adjusts a wedgie?

Having said that, I have to go with the photographer in the Hugh grant “throwing the beans” incident. I’ve got it on first-hand reliable information that Hugh is nothing close to the cutesy, floppy-haired, shy and witty Brit that he passes himself as in movies. My source says Hugh is a prickly jerk.

And he would have to be. Where is it written that Hugh has the right to use his fame to make himself filthy rich as a movie star but we all have to ignore that fame when it comes to his personal life? You get one you deal with the other, you overly-entitled British schmuck. I am waiting for some butthead movie star to slip and go off on photographers at their movie opening.

"Dammit, why are you taking my f-ing picture? Oh yeah, I forgot, we invited you."

Of course it is easy for us to say because most of us aren’t famous. Living in New York and my good buddy and amazing chef Woody taught me the art of shopping for dinner that same day. Back in the stone age my Mother would go to the grocery store once a month and load up.

Now, due to cooking shows and their popularity, people shop for fresh stuff each day. It is how the Europeans have always done it. And I like going to the store. I know the people by name and we chat and discuss recipes and such. (No, I am still not gay, not that there is anything wrong with it)

It would truly piss me off if I was so popular that I couldn’t shop like that anymore. So yes, I am sure there are aspects of being famous that are bad.

Having said that, boo hoo you pussys. Book a damn private jet and fly to Italy and cry to George Clooney at his castle on Lake Cuomo while sipping Crystal champagne about how nasty the Paparazzi are.

Or is it is?