Thursday, May 04, 2006

It is hard out here

We a little slow on the down low, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers
(Repeat after me, although it is a sexy looking siren, Vodka and Sunkist is a mean, sadistic b*tch)

What a coinkie dinkie
Terrorist Zacarias Moussaui was sentenced to life in prison for contributing to the September 11th attacks. Moussaui will serve his life sentence at a maximum security prison in Florence, Colorado. Coincidentally, Zacarias’s prison name will also be Florence, Colorado.  

Or something like that
Friday is Cinco De Mayo. Cinco De Mayo is Spanish for:  Do those chicks on “The View” ever shut up?

Long odds
Keith Richards suffered a concussion after falling out of a palm tree in Fiji climbing to get a cocoanut; they say Richards is going to be fine and I hope so. Losing Keith Richards to falling out a palm tree would be as unlikely as Stephen Hawking losing a spelling bee to President Bush.

Take it form a born Louisvillian:
One of the favorites for Saturday’s Kentucky Derby is a horse named Lawyer Ron. Why did they name a race horse after a Lawyer? Because, like a lawyer, he goes around in circles, costs people millions, he relives himself wherever he wants and leaves it for others to clean up.

Since you asked:
Why doesn’t anyone care if Barry Bonds breaks Babe Ruth’s record? And why are there so many who don’t want to see Bonds break the record? Why does everyone hate Barry Bonds so much? Why? Because he is a known steroid cheater? Nope. People hate Barry Bonds because Barry wants it that way.

There is a woman I knew who is/was exactly like Barry Bonds. She was a very attractive girl at UCSB. It should be fun to be a hot looking college girl on the beach at Santa Barbara, right? Wrong. She was utterly and totally miserable all the time; the only time she was slightly less miserable was when she was making those around here even more miserable. Once you got past her attractive façade, she was every bit as sweet and kind as the monsters in “Aliens” sans the acid blood.

That’s exactly the way Barry Bonds is. Shouldn’t it be kinda cool to be getting paid a qwizillian dollars to whack home runs in front of millions of people? You’d think so. Most of us would pay to do what Barry Bonds gets paid a ridiculously high amount of duckets to do. But Barry is that rare kind of miserable person who is only close to happy when he’s made others unhappy.  

So, if you hate Barry, you don’t want to see him happy, do you? Then, whatever you do, do not be miserable about Barry Bonds beating Babe Ruth’s record. Be happy for him. Enjoy his home runs. This is going to be hard to type out, but, err, uh, eh, uh, CHEER FOR BARRY BONDS.

It will make him miserable.