Its time to lay down

We gonna make our play like back in the day, we ain’t goin’ down, no, we here to stay, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers


There is no ass in Sosa . . . oh, wait, I guess there is
Rumor has it that Sammy Sosa will retire rather than accept a half a million dollar offer from the Washington Nationals. Sosa is serious about retiring. He has already corked his shuffle board cue.


And who wouldn’t find a mere half million dollars to play a sport for half a year insulting?


Look real close
Did you see Dick Cheney’s apology? If you looked close I swear you could see a new tear tattoo under his eye.


Dick Cheney drove up, got out of his car and shot a guy; in a related story, Cheney got mad props for his righteous drive-by from his homeys in the Crips.


Wear a sweater so you shouldn’t catch a cold
Sasha Cohen is one of the favorites in the Olympic marquee event, women’s figure skating. Skating is a little different for Cohen because she is Jewish, for example, one of her big jump is the Triple Oy Vey.


Sasha Cohen is one of the favorites in the Olympic marquee event, women’s figure skating. Skating is a little different for Cohen because she is Jewish, for example, the name of her routine is; “Should it kill you to call your mother?”


Catchy tune
Willy Nelson has come out with a “Brokeback Mountain” inspired gay Cowboy song; “Cowboys are Frequently, Secretly (Fond of each other) The working title was “Mommas Don’t Let Your Babies Grow up to be Figure Skaters”


With the success of “Brokeback Mountain” Hollywood is fixated with stereotypical sexual role reversals. For example, work has begun on the film about the two straight male figure skaters, “Flying Camel-back Mountain.”


A bad day
Dick Cheney said that when he shot his friend Harry Whittington it was one of the worst days of his life. This day was worse for Cheney than the day he finished second in the “Wizard of Oz” Crabby apple tree look-alike contest.


Dick Cheney is really upset about shooting his friend Harry Whittington. In fact, in a desperate effort to cheer Cheney up, his staff is showing Dick Abu Ghraib torture pictures.



Kind of whimpy
So far the story of the 2006 Winter Olympics is downhill skier Lindsey Kildow coming back to finish eighth two days after being life-flight’d to a hospital after a horrific and apparently career ending training fall. Makes me ashamed to admit I once missed a job because of the hiccups. But, to be fair, it was a really bad case of the hiccups.  


First clue
The Stanford tree mascot was kicked off the school band for being drunk at a basketball game. They suspected the mascot was drunk when the tree started to appear looser than Al Gore.


The Stanford tree mascot was kicked off the school band for being drunk at a basketball game.
They suspected the tree mascot was drunk when it tried to urinate on the Gonzaga Bulldog.


Not right
Maddame Toussads wax museum will feature a Hillary Clinton figure. It hasn’t been easy to make the Hillary wax figure, it keeps coming out sexier, warmer and more lifelike than the real thing.


What the?
President Bush unveiled his health plan at a Wendys restaurant. Only Bush would unveil a health insurance plan at fast food restaurant. Were all the crack houses booked?


There is something wrong with Bush unveiling his health care plan at a Wendys but, somehow, I just can’t put my finger on what it is.


What was the first thing again? (Assist Janice Hough, Palo Alto)
In an attempt to heal the White House image Bush told his advisors that he wanted to bring peace to the Mideast.  His advisors said that would be too difficult. So then the President said,


“Well then just make Dick Cheney appear likable.”

To which they asked;


"All the mideast or just Palestine?”