Tuesday, February 14, 2006

Its time to lay down

It is what it is so let’s embrace it, Happy Valentines Day, Torn Slattterns and Nugget Ranchers

I shot the Lawyer but I did not shoot the lobbyist- Janice Hough of Palo Alto
Dick Cheney shot a lawyer. “I’ll take What is President Bush’s wildest dream for $100 Alex.”

There will be no criminal investigation because, technically, shooting a lawyer isn’t a crime.

Not fair
The Olympic downhill winner was France’s Antoine Deneraiz. It wasn’t really fair how they got the French guy to win. Right before the race started they told him the German army was marching up the other side of the mountain.

Are you ready for Valentines Day? Guys, nothing shows your girl you love her quite like shooting a lawyer full of buckshot.

Shocker The milkman will be so bummed when I tell him
Western Union will no longer issue telegrams. I was so shocked to hear this I nearly knocked over the butter churner.

Oy, such a figure skater
The favorite to win the Olympic gold medal is Sasha Cohen. Figure skating is a little different for Cohen because she’s Jewish. For example, instead of waiting for the judge’s result in the Kiss and Cry room, she goes to the Whine and Complain room.  

Valentines Day is today, guys you want to make sure you give her a good card. Don’t pick the card that says “My Love for you burns like my urine.”

Don’t pick the card that says “When I saw you, Cupid’s arrow shot me like Dick Cheney.”

Don’t pick the card that says; “I’m dumping you for Sheryl Crowe.”

Don’t pick the Winter Olympics themed Valentines card that says; “I want to take my snowboard down your half pipe.”

Valentines Day is today complete with those little heart-shaped candies. It will be nice for guys to eat something small and heart shaped that isn’t Viagra for a change.

So gay
It has been three days and I still can’t get over how gay the 2006 Torino Olympic Opening ceremonies were. How gay were they? They predominantly featured flaming inline skaters. Inline skaters with actual flames coming from their helmets. That’s gayer than Clay Aiken singing “Somewhere Over the Rainbow.”

The 2006 Torino Olympic Opening ceremony featured literally flaming inline skaters. The flaming skaters were brought to you buy the Department of Redundancy Department.

Since you asked:
Can you feel it? There is a grass roots revolt occurring. To be sure, it is not a groundswell, it is murmuring under the radar but it exists. Oh yes, my friend it exists. Men are quietly resisting the four M’s of Valentines Day: meaningless manufactured marketing manipulation. (It would have been five M’s if emasculating didn’t have that stupid e at the beginning)

This is not a male’s holiday. Don’t we have a word for something that specifically excludes a gender? Oh yeah, sexism. One Valentines Day I got my then girlfriend a dozen roses and sent them to her at work. That night over drinks with friends, I could hear her complain to her friend about what a pain it is to get a dozen roses home in a car. And then it occurred to me: what had she done for me? Nothing. Zero. That was it, I broke up with her that evening.

Unfortunately I had no choice but to commit the single man’s biggest mistake: breaking up with a bad girlfriend the day after Valentines day. From that moment on, I have been soured to the emotional blackmail that is February 14th, and I am not alone.

Don’t get me wrong, romance is nice, flowers are pretty, jewelry works. Just don’t tell me that there is a day that I am required to get all three.

Men have had it. Do we get or want flowers and candy and jewelry? No. Is there a day when guys get sporting goods and beer and a steak? No. The local radio station I write for promotes Steak and Nobber day (yes, it is like it sounds, either you get it or you don’t) as the male salve for Valentines Day but it is more of a bit than a real local holiday.

Thanks, KGB, it is a nice gesture but it doesn’t cut it. We’ve had it. Guys around the globe are joining as one and saying that’s it. I am not bowing to sleazy ads, and dated traditions and emotional bribery. No, this is the year I do nothing for Valentines Day. I am putting my foot down once and for all. Stay strong, my brothers, and join me in my liberation from Greeting Card company induced tyranny.

(Let’s all take some time out as Lex pictures his wife’s face when she comes home and he has nothing for her, excuse his referencing himself in third person)

OK, maybe just a card. And balloons as long as I am there. Flowers, one thing of flowers, but that is it. And lobster tacos with mango salsa. But that’s definitely it. And maybe a few of those big strawberries dipped in chocolate.

OK, next year.