Sunday, February 12, 2006

Its time to lay down

It is what it is is what it is, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

Him too
Britney Spears is in trouble over pictures that showed her driving her SUV with her baby in her lap; she has to be more responsible than that, the poor thing is totally dependent and helpless. And besides Kevin Federline, she needs to protect her baby.

Too bad
Sadly, Donald Trump’s daughter, Ivanka, broke up with her boyfriend, director Bingo Goobleman. So that means we won’t have the fun couple Bingo and Ivanka Gubleman.

So sweet
White Castle is running a Valentines Day special where they have tablecloths, candles and a roving violinist. It’s the perfect way to tell your girl; “You’re the only one I could get.”

Ahh, so sweet
Nick Lachey and Jessica Simpson were spotted together in a romantic restaurant. Apparently Nick splurged and went for the White Castle Valentines deal.

Did you hear the one about the Mullah going into a bar?
Devout Muslims continue to riot over the Danish Muhammad cartoon; Muslims haven’t been this mad over a cartoon since Boris and Natasha declared a Jihad on Moose and Squirrel.

Deep stuff
A sleazy broker is auctioning off Paris Hilton diary, a diary that reveals Paris’s deepest thoughts. It features such thoughtful insights as “I like pie.” “Air is good” and “Puppies are cute.”

What an honor
And the 2006 Winter Olympics in Torino opened tonight on NBC. One of the events is the Skeleton. What an honor to win the Skeleton gold and know that you are the best of at least a couple dozen athletes around the world.

Who does the Skeleton? “Hey, would you like a ride down the treacherous, steep icy course in my bobsled?” “Nah, I’ll ride down on that cookie sheet with blades thing.”

How gay is it?
NBC sent “The Tonight Show’s” Ross the Intern to cover the Winter Olympics. It was the only way they could think of to make Men’s figure skating even gayer.

Not a good sign
After a two year break up, Mattel announced Ken wants to win back Barbie. I’m not sure it is going to work, for their first date, Ken wants to take her to “Brokeback Mountain” and hurry back in time to watch Men’s Olympic figure skating.

Good news bad news
A six-year-old Massachusetts boy has been suspended from school after being charged with sexual harassing a girl classmate. The bad news is that this could stay on his record forever; the good news is it won’t hurt him if he wants to run for Governor of California.

A six-year-old Massachusetts boy has been suspended from school after being charged with sexual harassing a girl classmate. In addition, the boy was charged with libel and threatening arson when he yelled; “Liar, liar pants on fire.”

Coach Clinton
The 2006 Winter Olympics in Torino open tonight on NBC. The Luge and Skeleton events require the participants to lie as still as possible. That’s why their coach is Hillary Clinton.

The James Bond event
An event I love is the Biathlon which features cross country skiing and rifle shooting. This event requires amazing discipline, especially if you’re in second place. The person ahead of you could get the gold medal and you’re carrying a rifle? Tell me they don’t have to fight the urge to take the first guy out. “It was an accident, it just went off, I swear.”  

All I can say is it is a good thing Tonya Harding was in figure skating and not the Biathlon; imagine what she would have done to Nancy Kerrigan if she had a rifle?

Don’t get that
American Skeleton athlete Zach Lund lost is appeal for testing positive for performance enhancing masking agents. Maybe I don’t understand the Skeleton, but do you really need a drug to enhance your performance to lie still?

Kiss and Tell replaces Show and Tell
A six-year-old Massachusetts boy has been suspended from school after being charged with sexual harassing a girl classmate. Let’s hope this precedent isn’t retroactive or Karen Dean is going to sue my ass for what I did at second grade recess.