Tuesday, February 07, 2006

Its time to lay down

Oh, oh, oh, it is so being brought, come on now, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

Only in Hollyweird
A tough guy Private Investigator, Anthony Pellicano, “Tony Pellicans” was charged with a wire tapping scheme that spied on Hollywood big shots. Apparently this guy would go around make movie stars an offer they can’t refuse without their agent.

Avast there
In London Abu Hamza was convicted of terrorism; the hook-handed one-eyed cleric was guilty of 11 criminal charges and one charge of doing a really bad pirate impression.

When asked to comment, the hook-handed, one-eyed cleric said; “Arrrrrrghghg Matey.”

In London Abu Hamza was convicted of terrorism and convicted of 11 criminal charges. It was a bad day for the hook-handed one-eyed cleric, the parrot on his shoulder was also diagnosed with the bird flu.

Terry Bradshaw was on the Tonight Show last night. Terry is like a chimp on crack. I think Terry has ADD, or as Terry calls ADD, Attention Deficit, whatever-that-is.

Ellen DeGeneris is on the show two days after the Super Bowl. Ellen doesn’t know a lot about the Super Bowl and football. Ellen thinks a Pittsburgh Steeler is kleptomaniac from Pennsylvania.

Do we need this?
During the start of the Super Bowl, Gillette had a commercial for their new Fusion which has five blades. Five blades shaves so close it actually shaves your dead ancestors.

The first blade lifts the hair, the second cuts it, the third puts the hair in the trunk and the fourth and fifth blades bury the hair in the Nevada dessert.

Good for him
One of the Super Bowl commercials was for Sprint where the guy shows his buddy the crime deterrent feature in his cell phone; he asks the guy to try and steal his wallet and he beans the guy with the phone. And the guy who got hit in the head and fell down? He was named an honorary Seahawks receiver.

In retrospect, the Super Bowl XL went pretty well but there was one tragedy. One of Burger Kings show girls dressed as a Whopper, a Whopperette, wandered too close to the field before the game and, well, Aretha Franklin ate her.

Awwwwww and Nahhhhhhhhhhh
It’s unanimous the sweetest Super Bowl commercial was the cute Budweiser Clydesdale colt tying to pull the beer wagon and he secretly gets help from his Mom and Dad. Not the sweetest commercial? When Bill Clinton secretly tried to help the Go Daddy girl’s blouse strap break.

Bad calls
People are still talking about how bad the officials were in the Super Bowl. How bad were they? Ex-FEMA head Michael Brown could have called a better game.

Bling Slinger
Sadly, the member of Busta Rhymes posse who was Busta’s bling handler, was killed in a gun battle. And this is also today’s story that can’t possibly ever be explained to President Bush.

The guy’s who got shot, his only job was to handle Busta’s bling, or jewelry.

Elton John has written a Broadway Musical. The working title is: Gayer than “Brokeback Mountain.”

Muslims around the globe continue to protest a cartoon of prophet Muhammad; if they don’t like that they are really going to hate it when McDonalds unveils their new pork sandwich: the McMuhammad.

Since you asked:
It would take a team of psychiatrists to explain my love/hate relationship with my computer.

When it is going well I am as happy as any happy idiot can be. Call me Captain Multi Tasker, I write on Word and research topics on Google, check out the traffic on the blog, shoot out e-mails, listen to a rocking tune on iTunes while sending a Fax while yammering to someone on the phone. Pay no attention to the man behind the curtain. Muahahahahahaha.

But when something goes wrong? I lose it.

Take, for example, my Outlook Express. Because I am too dumb to know how and too lazy to do anything about it, it takes forever to load up. Why it doesn’t trigger that awful “The program is not responding” evil little box, I don’t know, but it takes forever. By the time it does come up, my attention deficit whatever-it’s-called has kicked in and out six times.

The outline box of Outlook Express pops up right away but the files and letters are what take so long. So what happens? I get annoyed, forget that I am waiting for it and absentmindedly click on the red X to close the Outlook Express file while it is still loading. Just then it starts to fill in and I actually start talking to the screen;

“Oh, no, no, no, I didn’t mean to click it closed, stay with me, stay with, hang in there, stay alive, whatever it takes, stay alive, I will find you.”

And because it is so filling in so slowly, I tell myself that it forgot about my close click. But once it finally fills in, like it was shot by a vengeful jealous lover, it remembers my close click and slowly shuts down.

“No. No. Nooooooooooooooooooooooooo!”

Just like Willem DeFoe in “Platoon” I drop to my knees and raise my arms heavenward and let out a Nancy Kerrigan-like;


That split second when you click a slow loading program closed and you remember you didn’t want to do that? That has to be how a bomb expert feels when he clips the wrong wire and he has about five seconds to realize that he is about to get blown up.

Since you asked, 3:
In a classic example of a non-item that the press is blowing into a big deal and nobody else cares anything about it: newspaper writers everywhere all have their little notepads in a bunch over the fact that the Rolling Stones had two words censored at the Super Bowl and agreed to it.

Cock and Come. It was two little words.

Not in the context the Stones meant cock and come mean male rooster and arrive.

Now, I understand that journalists think their right to free speech, not yours or mine, but their personal right to free speech takes place over the importance of all things, but nobody else cares. The Stone don’t care. The viewers didn’t care. More importantly, you don’t care.

But the press is whaling (No, it is not a wail typo, they are looking for whales) on and on about big brother watching and rock roll gets shackled by the man and we were robbed of art because of red state mentality. Blah, and blahdeeblahblah. Shut it.