Friday, February 17, 2006

Its time to lay down

We keepin’ it real here in the Southeast ghetto of Del Mar; oh yeah, it is hard up here in the Carmelizzy Valleyizzy, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

So convenient
The Republican National Committee has asked Minneapolis to bid to host their 2008 convention. The Republicans like Minneapolis because it has a great convention center, there are plenty of hotel rooms and there is excellent quail hunting just twenty minutes away.

What time is it?
Did you stay out too late drinking and over sleep in your trailer only to roll out and promptly lose an Olympic ski race you were favored to win? Congratulations, it’s Miller time.

Hyped US skier Bode Miller has been shut out of a second Olympic medal. If Miller hates the press intruding on his life as much as he says he does, at this rate, he is going to be one happy dude.

US skier Bode Miller has been shut out of a second Olympic medal. Bode Miller is spending so much time drinking and sleeping in his trailer that the only thing he might win is a Kevin Federline impersonation.

Bode Miller missed a gate in the slalom and was DQ’d. To be fair, it is harder for Miller to make the gate, he is usually drunk and sees double so he doesn’t know which gate to choose.

Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes vehemently deny rumors of a split, which, of course, means they have split. Apparently one of Tom’s checks didn’t clear.

It didn’t help Tom that Hallmark didn’t have any “Thanks for being my fake girlfriend” Valentines Day cards.

Who knew?
The latest juicy rumor is that V.P. Dick Cheney delayed talking to authorities about the hunting accident because he was drunk and needed to sober up. How ironic is it that Cheney had to utilize the Ted Kennedy gambit?

First they said five pellets, now they are saying that the guy Cheney shot could have up to 200 pellets in him. How do you make a mistake from 5 to 200? Did President Bush do the first count?

Roughing it
More details are coming out, Dick Cheney and the guy he shot drove up and got out the car to shoot quail. They drove up to the covey and came out blasting. Not exactly Daniel Boone. “Hey, turn up the TV, I can’t hear “Fox News” over those shotgun blasts.”

Not fair
At the 2006 Torino Olympics, American snowboarders Hannah Teter and Gretchen Bleiler won the gold and silver medals, respectively, in the women’s half pipe. You have to feel for Hannah Teter. Teter is cute, but Gretchen Bleiler is a scorching hot babe;

“Gretchen, Gretchen, <flash> over here, Babe.” <flash, flash> “Hey, you, what’s your name? Your gold medal is reflecting and ruining the shot, do you mind getting out of the way?”

Too bad
A 2006 Torino Olympic sport growing in popularity is curling; Kevin Federline wanted to be a curler, but he didn’t know how to use a broom.

Republican Olympics
More details are coming out, Dick Cheney and the guy he shot drove up and got out the car to shoot quail. Is that a Republican activity or what? Using a gas guzzling limo to shoot animals. The only thing more republican is using a helicopter to collect bribes.

Dick Cheney shot a guy on a Texas hunting trip. On the bright side, this should teach the guy not to make lesbian daughter jokes.

Since you asked:
As you beloved regular readers of a.L.b.B know, all five of you, we are not afraid to ruffle feathers. When it comes to stirring up controversy, Danish cartoonists got nothing on our narrow tookus’s. Sure, we lose some readers, sure, we shock some readers. But this isn’t Russia, Danny. Oh yes, my friend, we will let the fit hit the shan.

Are you ready? Might want to sit down.

It is possible I may be leaning towards favoring a charcoal grill.

(Whoa, I, what the? Are you out of your? What is the matter with? I don’t know who you are anymore)

Easy, easy inner tirade, easy. Don’t get me wrong, I still loves me my stainless steel gas grill I call Blazing Bessie something fierce, I just think charcoal may have more flavor.

Here is what happened:

My regulator went out on my gas grill and it took a while to get it fixed. When I changed it out for a new one I needed a new bolt on the hose. So, in a very when-life-gives-you-lemons-make-lemonade/MacGyver-ish move, I dusted off the 18 year-old red kettle Weber. Splurged on the very Bobby Flay-like lump charcoal, tossed it in my charcoal chimney and lit it.

We buy these pre-marinated garlic and oil chicken breasts from Foster Farms when I want to not really cook. Toss them on the grill and chop them up and toss them in a salad. It is as close to not cooking as you can get. You cannot mess these chicken breasts up. They are so tender and tasty.

So that is what I did only this time on the Weber. Oh . . . my . . . goodness. These things were the best by double they have ever been. This was like a grilling litmus test.

No, I will not forsake Blazing Bessie. You cannot beat gas when it comes to convenience and speed and consistency on a regular basis. But I think, for special grilling, like Strip steaks and Salmon, and finishing off ribs, I am going to fire up the Weber from time to time.

Sunday I am going to get up early, ride the bike for 30 miles and then, while basking in a case of, if not Olympic fever, than Olympic-cough-due-to-cold, smoke a four hour brisket on my Red Weber for Texas Toast Mopped Brisket Sandwiches. Slaw and locally famous Julian apple pie ala mode to accompany.

All I need is a nickname for my red Weber. I got it: Roasting Ruby.

Come on, everybody join in and sing with me:

“Hello Roasting Ruby, who could pin a name on you?”

(Polite applause)

It has been brought to my attention that I am remiss in not crediting the idea to use the Weber to my bestest buddy, master cooker, award winning teacher and bon vivant, man-about-town, James Diller Woods.

Rock on, Der Voodsters, rock on.