Monday, February 13, 2006

Its time to lay down

They got them some drama without a comma, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

The US is off to a poor start at the 2006 Torino Olympics. How poor? Janet Jones Gretzky is already down twenty large.

Makes sense
Testifying to a Senate Committee about poor hurricane response, ex-FEMA head Brown blamed the White House. Prior to this, Brown blamed the mayor of New Orleans and the governor of Louisiana. Tomorrow Brown will blame a Danish cartoonist.

Ouch, 2
On a hunting trip in Texas, V.P. Dick Cheney shot one his companions, a lawyer, with buckshot. Cheney was really embarrassed, he was aiming for the lobbyist.

The guy will be OK. There won’t be any criminal charges, in fact, because the guy was a lawyer, Cheney may get a merit of honor award.

Upon hearing about this President Bush asked; “Is it lawyer season already?”

This begs the existential question, if a lawyer is shot in the woods does it make it a sound idea?

On a quail hunting trip in Texas, V.P. Dick Cheney shot his companion with buckshot. They’re not sure what happened, they were chatting, the guy said he agreed with Bush that we need to end our dependence on oil, and, boom, Cheney shot him.

President Bush called Cheney and told him he needs to go relax get back in the saddle again and invite Ted Kennedy on a hunting trip.

It is the worst shot from anyone from the White House since Clinton hit Monica’s dress.

Janet “I got the gamblin’” Jones
Wayne Gretzky’s wife, Janet Jones, bet $75,000 on the Super Bowl to an illegal betting agency, Jones bet $5,000 on the coin toss alone. It’s the most riding on a coin flip since the honeymoon of Star Jones and Al Reynolds to determine who would be on top.  

For every season, Turin, Turin, Turin
Did you know that the 2006 Torino or Turin Olympics have a motto? “Passion Lives Here.” You have to hand it to them, those people really know how to Turin a phrase.  

The Fierce games
The Olympic opening ceremonies featured rollerbladers, dance numbers, elaborate costumes and the athletes parading in to 70’s disco music. I don’t want to say the opening ceremonies were gay but even the male figure skaters were saying, “Please, that is so campy. Butch it up a scosh.”  

The Opening Ceremonies were so flamboyant at one point NBC announcer Brian Williams turned to Bob Costas and said; “I wish I could quit you.”

New York got hit with a huge snowstorm. To give you an idea how much snow, for an extra $50 bucks, the hookers in Times Square are offering whips and tire chains.  

Sounds about right
Shaun White won an Olympic gold medal in the men’s snowboard half pipe; How does a snowboarder celebrate a gold medal win in the half pipe? With a full pipe.

Afterwards, White said; “I hope Sasha Cohen digs gold medals.” Atta boy. Wins an Olympic gold medal and the first thing he thinks about is using it to score with a wildly flexible hot figure skater. Who says snowboarders are dumb?

Can you imagine if White and Cohen hooked up? Both can do triple 360’s. How would you like to be in the hotel room beneath them?

Afterwards they asked;

“Shaun White you just won an Olympic gold medal in the Men’s snowboard half pipe. What are you going to do now?”

“I’m going to, uh, Dude, what’s that place with Mickey Mouse again?”

American gold medal favorite Apolo Ohno tripped up and failed to qualify for the short track 1500. Unfortunately this mishap made Ohno the most appropriately surnamed failing athlete  since Michael O’Crapp’s tragic cliff diving accident.

Send a message. Stop. No, really, stop
Western Union will no longer issue telegrams. This is bad news, how am I going to tell my blacksmith when to begin work on my horse and buggy?

Western Union will no longer issue telegrams. I could hardly believe the story that Western Union would stop issuing telegrams until somebody e-mailed the news from the Internet.

Western Union will no longer issue telegrams. I was so shocked to hear this I nearly knocked over the butter churner.

The favorite to win the Olympic gold medal is Sasha Cohen. Sasha is 21, has a pretty china doll face and she is so flexible she can pull her leg back and over and place her foot facing forward on her head. (Beat) Huh? Oh, sorry, I got lost there for a second. What were we talking about?

It’s a little different for Cohen because she is Jewish. For example, instead of waiting for the judge’s results in the Kiss and Cry room, she goes to the Whine and Complain room.