Wednesday, February 08, 2006

Its time to lay down

You got to do it to it all through it or just say screw it, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

Bush, George Bush, double knot seven
A justice department official has determined that the President of the United States can legally have somebody killed. Well, except for Osama bin Laden.

A justice department official has determined that the President of the United States can legally have somebody killed. More bad news for Ted Kennedy.

A justice department official has determined that the President of the United States can legally have somebody killed. Suddenly getting your phone tapped doesn’t sound so bad. I’d rather get my phone tapped than my ass.

A justice department official has determined that the President of the United States can legally have somebody killed. To play it safe, I spent all day apologizing for my Bush-is-dumb jokes into my tapped phone.

So gay
Elton John has written a Broadway Musical. “I’ll take ‘What is even gayer than “Brokeback Mountain” for 100, Alex.”

Gay-theme epidemic
Brad Pitt was so moved by “Brokeback Mountain” that he has told his agent he wants to star in a gay-themed movie. In fact, writers are busy working on the script for “The Ryan Seacrest Story.”

Didn’t get around to it
Britney Spears is in trouble after she was photographed illegally and dangerously driving with her baby on her lap. It is not totally her fault. Britney asked Kevin Federline to install the baby’s car seat but K-Fed hasn’t gotten off the couch to do it.

In London Abu Hamza was convicted of terrorism; the two hook-handed one-eyed cleric was guilty of 11 criminal charges and one charge of doing a really bad pirate impression.

Here is my question, the guy has hooks for hands. How did they finger print him?

You think an English jail would be bad enough because of the food, how would you like to be the cell mate of Abu Hamza, a guy with no hands?

“Oh, blimey, Abu, you just went to the loo. Stop drinking all that bleedin’ tea.”

In London the guy with hooks for hands, Abu Hamza was convicted of terrorism and sentenced to seven years in an English prison. You thought regular English food was bad? Try English prison food, Abu will be glad he doesn’t have any hands.

(Warning, old stupid pirate joke coming)
In London a one-eyed guy with hooks for hands, Abu Hamza, was sentenced to seven years for terrorism. Do you know how Abu lost his eye? A pigeon pooped in it. Normally you don’t lose your eye from pigeon poop, but it was his first day wearing the hooks.

She won’t be ignored
Actress Glenn Close, 58, is getting married again. It was mutual love at first sight, Close didn’t have to boil a single one of his kid’s rabbits.

Not since then
Sir Elton John has written a Broadway musical. On a personal note, “Sir Elton John has written a Broadway musical” is the gayest sentence I’ve ever said since I said “Richard Simmons loves lavender bubble baths.”

Since you asked:
According to a new rock history book rock guitar god Jimi Hendrix got out of going to Vietnam by pretending he was gay. Not only that, but Hendrix choice of on-stage apparel was to maintain the impression he was gay in case his draft board was watching his concerts.

Think about it. When Jimi Hendrix first hit it big in England, how were rock stars dressed? In suits. Usually in matching suits. Or like the early Elvis, the leather jacket, jeans, t-shirts and slicked back hair giving way to mop head.

Hendrix was such a huge influence in England in 1966 that everyone in rock, the Stones, the Beatles, Led Zeppelin, Cream and the Who, also started wearing puffy, frilly shirts, feather boas, faux leopard, tight leather pants, big floppy feathered hats, high heeled boots and tons and tons of makeup and jewelry and they started growing their hair long. Hell, Clapton even had a Hendrix-attributed Afro perm for a brief and tragic time.

Wouldn’t be hilarious that, for decades and decades, rock stars and hippies and everyone in the late sixties and early seventies have been dressing like a Fire Island hairdresser named Felipe by mistake because Hendrix wanted his draft board to think he was gay?

Now that’s funny. And it also explains my mid-Seventies hip huggers made of four inch denim squares elephant bell bottoms. Why do I suddenly hear Boston playing “More Than a Feeling”? Why do I suddenly smell Karen Dean’s Cachet perfume on my abolone fake-pearl buttoned faded denim shirt? (From making out with Karen, not from borrowing her perfume)

So many people have come and gone
Their faces fade as the years go by
Yet I still recall as I wander on
As clear as the sun in the summer sky

It’s more than a feeling, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers, when I hear that old song they used to play

Lord help me, I do hate the Boston with the white hot passion of a billion suns.

Since you asked, 2:
Attention Hollywood spin doctors for Tom Cruise, Clay Aiken, Ryan Seacrest, et al, we, Joe Lex Public, do not really care if actors are or are not gay. We care if they are gay and are trying to trick us that they are not gay so we will still go see them. Did anyone not go see “Jerry McGuire” because they thought Tom Cruise was gay? No. We also don’t like if they are not gay and pretending that they are gay, but that only happened once in history: Mick Jagger. This whole trying-to-fool-us- about-a-celebrity’s-sexuality machine is insulting on many levels.

It insults us that you assume we are homophobic. It insults us that we think you think we can be easily dupped. It insults us that you think we think that because we think we know someone based on their acting in a movie that we also think we know them in real life. We don’t think about it that much. It also insults us that you think that our world revolves around what we think about your dorky little actor.

Nobody didn’t go to see “Brokeback Mountain” because they didn’t want to see straight actors play gay lovers. The opposite is true. No, many, many guys didn’t see “Brokeback Mountain” because no matter how much we hear how great a movie it is, we can’t fight the knowledge that we will get horribly creeped-out when we see two guys making out. If that makes all straight guys homophobic, then that’s the way it is. We can’t help that like we can’t help getting incredibly annoyed when someone else’s kid screams. It’s hard wired into our DNA.