Saturday, April 30, 2005

Well, we ain't no holler-back girl up in here, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

Saturday morning caffeine fueled rant:

I gotta new pet peeve. Actually, I have two. Sort of. As of yesterday an old pet peeve moved up to the top of the list: Driver’s who won’t yield to pedestrians WHEN IT’S FRICKIN’ RAINING.

How fat, stupid, lazy, rude and inconsiderate do you have to be to sit your fat ass high and dry in a warm car and not want to go to the trouble of waiting two seconds to let someone who is standing in the cold rain walk by? It must have happened to me four times a couple of days ago.

One time I even pointed up at the rain and yelled;

“Thanks lady, I’ll just stand her getting soaked, you go ahead by all means.”

And then I might have tossed in the B-word, I'm not positive.

My newest pet peeve? Big shot movie stars that go on talk shows and say they don’t want to talk about the one thing everyone wants them to talk about.

Paris Hilton was on “Letterman” plugging - and when isn't Paris plugging something? - her millionth god-knows-what. Dave asks about her fight with Nicole Richey and she says “I don’t want to talk about that.” Dave looks down and sarcastically drips;

“Well, you’ve come to the right place.”

Seriously, how much of a moron with an ass-smooching publicists nose up your tookus do you have to be to not know that when you go on a “talk show” people will want you to talk about what they want to hear, not what crap you’re huckstering? You don’t want to talk? Fine. Don’t go on the stupid show, Slappy.

Don’t you love the way that movie stars hate the press until it’s time to peddle their movie? But heaven forbid the press reports on the fact that they’re slammin’ their best friend’s wife like a galley door in a storm. Oh, no, that’s invasive.

When it comes to rumors, a denial from a Hollywood star is basically the exact same thing as a confirmation. Brad and Jen? Oh, they’re fine. Charlie Sheen drugging and whoring again? Nahhh.

One afternoon I drove up L.A. to see a taping of “The Tonight Show” and then had dinner and drinks at the House of Blues. That very morning I just happened to catch a story in the news about Greg Allman and how he is totally straight now and how happy he is about it, blah blah blah blah.

Who is leaning on the bar so F’d up he can’t stand up? You guessed it: Greg Allman.

Second cup:
Beeeeautiful day here in Dan Siego, Slats and Ranchies. Going to go work out like the chiseled Nordic marauding beast that I am today. Then it is off to a 40th birthday bash for the drummer of one of the bands I play with, The Mitigators. He is having five of the bands he plays with jam and I am going to play with at least a couple. Should be fun. Bright sunshine, wine, BBQ, Frisbees, chillin's laughing, dogs romping, harp jammin’ while hot-looking babes listen adoringly.

In short, another typical day here in paradise.

(Sniff, inhale, teeth-suck, stretch, groan and dissolve into chortle of smugness)

Oh, oh, oh, yeah, buhhbeeea. Four words: It’s good to be (adding a fifth) King.

This just in:
Did you see that, after President Bush held hands with Saudi Crown Prince Abdullah, the price of oil dropped to below $50 a barrel? How many of you are thinking what I am? That’s right, George W., it’s time to take one for the team.

OK, now that's just sick.