Wednesday, April 27, 2005

We all fierce like that up in here, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

Paging Doctor Tums
A restaurant in Decatur, GA has a double bacon cheeseburger served between two Krispy Kream donuts. What, no pork rinds? No Snickers bars? No gravy? What are they, health nuts?

I wonder if you can ask to get it deep fried?

And, for an extra buck, they’ll blow cigarette smoke on you while you eat it.

Testify about what, exactly?
The prosecution in the Michael Jackson trial may have Michael’s ex-wife, Debbie Rowe, testify about Michael’s sexuality. Well, that testimony sure won’t take long.

If Debbie Rowe is talking about Michael Jackson’s sexuality, as a woman, this will make her whatever is the direct opposite of an expert witness.

Who knew?
“Current Magazine” claims many college students don’t think oral sex counts as real sex; Apparently you can now major in being Bill Clinton.

That’s pretty bad
Another lawyer, Brian Oxman, was fired from the Michael Jackson defense team. This is the fourth lawyer Jackson has gone through. That’s when you know you’re too creepy when lawyers can’t stand to be around you.

Not including tip
Kobe Bryant paid $50,000 for a surprise marriage renewal ceremony for his wife Vanessa. Actually, he only spent $25,000 on the ceremony, Kobe had to spend $25,000 to bribe the concierge to convince her to bring them their room service order.

Master this
Mastercard has a Clay Aiken Mastercard. I think their slogan is; “Don’t leave the closet without it.”

Their slogan is; “It’s everywhere you want to be gay.”

Weak. Weak joke
Legal experts say the case against the woman who faked the Wendy’s finger chili is weak. It’s like the case where the guy claimed to find a foot in a vat of stew; the prosecution didn’t have a leg to stand on.

Or so it would seem
What is with all the train accidents in Asia? Apparently Amtrak is now outsourcing.

Now even baseball is piling on
You know how baseball announcers have signature home run calls, like “See yah” or “Say goodbye.” I thought this one home run call referencing the new Mrs. Prince Charles was unnecessary; “That ball is well hit, it’s back . . . Camilla parked her balls!”

Old job
It is not looking good for nominated U.N. Ambassador John Bolton’s confirmation. He may have to go back to his old job: Hosting “Captain Kangaroo.”

Since you asked:
In addition to an at-bat song, everyone needs their own home run call. Here is a tip: make sure it is better than San Diego Padres announce Mark Grant’s “Boom goes the dynamite.” I think mine is going to be; “Do you want to buy a monkey? Adios those dishes!”

That’s right, I just hung an amazingly rare “Cabin Boy” “Knotting Hill” combo platter references on your narrow beeeeehinds.

Or how about: “Mr. Rawlings gets a righteous beat-down”?

Or how about; “That Pope just got white smoke’d”?

No, I’m staying with “Camilla parked her balls.”

And another thing:
We just got our carpets cleaned and, while they look snowy white and all purty, the cleaning solution fumes are pretty strong. Luckily, I have one of those iron-clad constitutions that doesn’t get effected by chemical vapors . . .um, wow, look, finger trails, cool. Heh, ever notice how . . . the word fumes is funny? Fuuuuuumes. Heh. Monkey is also . . . a . . . funny . . . word . . . Monkey, heh. Wheeeeew . . . fjkl;sda;’kljfsirt (My forehead hitting the keyboard)

And that’s how we play “Lex is loopy from the smell of the cleaned rugs.”

(Polite applause)

And “Scene.”