Thursday, April 28, 2005

We all straight skippy like that up in here, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

Poor, poor, Chuck
Victoria Secret is coming out with a line of edible underwear. Man, that poor Prince Charles luck just keeps getting worse each day.

Oh, now we see
Paris Hilton is in a Carl’s Jr. hamburger commercial. When asked if she really ate hamburgers, Paris said; “Sure, I’m not Jewish, I can eat ham.”

Bad news, Geronihomo
The tribal council of the Navaho Nations has approved a bill to ban same sex marriage for native Americans. This is bad news for anyone planning to come out of the teepee.

Why so shocked?
The prosecutors in the Michael Jackson trial were shocked when Michael’s ex testified in behalf of Jackson, the opposite of what they expected. They shouldn’t be surprised, Debbie Rowe always does the opposite: women are supposed to marry and have kids with heterosexual men.

That would explain it
Michael Jackson’s ex-wife, Debbie Rowe, said that Michael was surrounded by “vultures.” That explains what happened to his nose: the Vultures ate it.

In Maryland, a herd of buffaloes wandered into middle of a town. It was wild. The residents thought they were hosting Camilla Parker Bowles’s family reunion.

Now that is big
Yesterday was the maiden voyage of the Airbus A380 that seats 550. Everything on it is huge. The beverage cart is so big it can break ten kneecaps at one time.

Is Airbus really the best name? Do you really want to be reminded of a bus? Who wants to fly with 549 drunk retirees snoring on your shoulder on their way to play the slots in Vegas?

The Airbus A380 seats 550. This will set the new world record for passengers that can’t get a drink from the flight attendants.

75 years of cream-filled goodness
Twinkies are 75 years old. To show how old that is, in just twenty-five more years, the very first Twinkie will actually surpass its expiration date.

Thrill Bill 2
“Current Magazine” claims many college students don’t think oral sex counts as sex. In a related story, Bill Clinton has just re-enrolled in college.

It’s about time, Skippy
ABC has announced a new reality show that is described as an “American Idol” for dancers. Finally, a show too gay for even Ryan Seacrest.

Do the math
The P.R. person for Star Jones has quit because she said Star Jones is too difficult. Rumor has it the only time Star Jones isn’t screaming is when she’s eating. So that means she screams for up to twenty minutes each day.

Prom time
It’s prom season. Boys are smarter now than when I went to my prom. Now in order to make sure they have a better chance of getting lucky at the prom, guys are taking their teachers.

Do the math, 2
It happened again. In San Jose, a 47-year-old female teacher’s aid was accused of having sex with a 17-year-old male student. She claims she was helping him with his math; she wanted to show him how many times 17 went into 47.

Put that thing out and go back in to the prom
It’s prom season. I remember my prom, what a magical night: I spent every nickel I had on dinner and then I spent every second of the night on my knees fruitlessly begging and pleading.

It’s prom season. I remember my prom: it was the most trouble and expense to which anyone had ever gone to end up not having sex prior to David Gates and Liza Minelli’s wedding.

Dance fever, catch it
You know the big difference with proms now compared to my Seventies prom? Guys now can dance. Yeah. Now boys know how to spin, flip-around and move well. When we danced we looked like our plastic rented prom shoes were on fire and we were trying to stomp them out.

Hamburger or fall of Rome?
A restaurant in Decatur, GA has a double bacon cheeseburger served between two Krispy Kream donuts. It’s called a Big McHeart Attack.

What? No 75th anniversary Twinkies on that burger?

Pope “Eggs” Benedict
The new Pope, Pope Benedict XVI revealed that he prayed not to win the election as Pope. That’s a great way to gain confidence with your followers: inform the world that your latest and most urgent prayer was ignored.

Pope Benedict was serious, he wanted to lose the election so much he almost asked Al Gore to endorse him.

Since you asked:
Back in the old days, when we weren’t busy taming the west, you used to get crossed lines on phone calls. It was like a mistaken, random conference call with a stranger.

Now he is a highly respected member of his community, so I won’t say his name, but, in high shcool, I was talking on the phone to my good friend - whose name rhymes with Slim Goods - and we got a woman on a crossed wire.

She picked up the phone, heard us talking and obviously mistook my buddy Slim for her son;

“David, I need to use the phone, say goodbye to your friend.” Click.

What the hell? Who was that? We laughed when we figured out it was a crossed wire. A little later she picked up again, this time, however, much testier;

“David, what did I tell you? Say goodbye to your friend this instant, do you hear me?”

“In a minute” Slim boldly said. She bought it.

“Thank you, David.” Came her terse and sarcastic reply. Now we were laughing hysterically. She really thought my buddy Slim was her son, some poor slob named David.

Sure enough, about a minute later, furious, she again picked up.

“David, I am going to come up there and make you hang up the phone and you WILL regret it. DO . . . YOU . . . UNDERSTAND . . . ME?”

There was a moment of pregnant silence, and suddenly, my buddy Slim let loose with;

“Ahh go screw yourself, b*tch, I am tired of your cr*p.”

To this day, poor David is probably still explaining to his therapist that he doesn’t understand why his Mom beat the ever living loving snot out of him for no reason at all.

Very underrated 70’s band?

Bad Finger.