Tuesday, April 26, 2005

Tell me we did not just go there, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

Born to Shuffle
Bruce Springsteen has a new album out. You can tell Bruce is getting older. His concerts end early so he can make it to the Dennys early bird special.

Bruce is getting older. His tour bus turn signal is always blinking on.

Bruce is getting up there. Did you know his song “Born in The USA” was originally titled: “Born In the Continental Congress”?

Good luck, Lady
The prosecution in the Michael Jackson trial may have Michael’s ex-wife, Debbie Rowe, testify about Michael’s sexuality. They cannot, however, question their two children: Turkey and Baster.

His ex-wife is going to testify about Michael Jackson’s sexuality? Why not have her testify about life on Pluto because she’s never seen that either.

Why? Why so mean? I love the Stones
The Rolling Stones are on tour. You can tell the Stones are getting old. Now when their concert goers flick a lighter it’s to get rid of that old man smell.

Speaking of Queens
Elton John is going to marry his long time life partner. He figures if Prince Charles can marry a guy, he can too.

Not clear on the concept
President Bush had an embarrassing moment at a breakfast restaurant. He looked at the menu and said; “Wow, he’s only been Pope Benedict for a week and already they named eggs after him.”

That explains it
According to the NAACP, the death penalty is at an all time low; experts feel there are two factors for this: A, exonerations of those sentenced due to DNA evidence and, B, the fact that George W. Bush is no longer a governor.

The rats are abandoning
Another lawyer, Brian Oxman, left the Michael Jackson defense team; lawyers are leaving Jackson? Michael must be broke. If paid enough, lawyers would have stayed on the Titanic and claimed it was just getting humid.

Pink is the new pink
Retailers say many more men are wearing pink this year. It’s true, I can name three famous Englishmen who are wearing pink: Elton John, Boy George and Camilla Parker Bowles.

That’s a surprise
Kobe Bryant paid $50,000 to renew his marriage vows with his wife Vanessa. Afterwards Kobe said their marriage was great, they’ve never been happier and but then he traded Vanessa to the Miami Heat.

The Los Angeles Lakers are trying to get Phil Jackson back as a coach. It won’t be easy, Kobe Bryant tears through coaches like Michael Jackson tears through a pair of Garanimals.

Good job, George
President Bush met with Saudi Crown Prince Abdullah at his ranch in Crawford, Texas. You can tell Bush is working hard to get oil prices down, during dinner Bush didn’t make one turban/tablecloth joke.

Don’t bend over without it
Mastercard has a Clay Aiken Mastercard. Unfortunately the Clay Aiken card is only accepted at Ikea, Pier One, the Pottery Barn and every single gay bar in the world.

Murphy’s Law
The San Diego Mayor, Dick Murphy, resigned from office because he wasn’t doing a good job. Upon hearing this, our entire Congress asked; “You can do that?”

If everybody quit just because they weren’t good at their job there wouldn’t be any more New York Mets games.

Murphy can’t resign because he’s bad at his job, that’s un-American; every McDonalds in the world would be empty.

What did they expect? The guy’s named after Murphy’s law.

P.C. at P.E.
A lot of schools have banned dodge ball from P.E. Forget that, you know what kids game they need to ban? Musical chairs. Every kid but one is a loser. Why not just play “Mommy and Daddy Lost You In a Crowd And You’ll Never, Ever, See Them Again” and put them in therapy for life?

Give us this day or Daly’s bread
John Daly finished second at the Houston Open after losing a playoff to Vijay Singh. This was good finish for Daly and a bad day for believers in the “Golfers Are Athletes” argument.

Daly is fifty pounds overweight, chain smokes, swigs sugary soda pop during his rounds. Daly has to be the only guy whose four rounds of golf total score is lower than his cholesterol.