Wednesday, August 05, 2009

Next month, a 95-year-old Crow Indian chief will receive the Presidential Medal of Freedom. And then, in keeping with tradition, the US government will decide they want the medal and then they will attack the old chief and take it back.

Scientists say taking Viagra may help travelers overcome jet lag...but it does make the closely crowded line to leave the plane much more awkward.

Paula Abdul announced on Twitter she will not be returning to "American Idol." It was an incredible technical achievement because, until Paula's announcement, it was not thought possible to be able to slur and mumble an announcement on Twitter.

It was a little awkward when it was announced Paula Abdul was on Twitter when she said she wouldn't be back to "American Idol" Amy Winehouse immediately called and asked her doctor to proscribe some Twitter for her.

Please do not tell me Paula Abdul is not going to be on "American Idol." Paula is the wild, drunk, high, horny, desperately-trying-to-stay-young, and yet rapidly-aging crazy cougar aunt that everybody should have in their family, but I, tragically, don't.

"Hey, look, Aunt Paula is smashed and flirting with the pool boy again. Ten bucks says she gets him to rub suntan oil on her."

Paris Hilton is taking scuba diving lessons. It's not been easy. The instructor has to constantly remind Paris, that, on the regulator, she can simply inhale, she keeps trying to suck on it.


Since you asked:

All the gooey fuss over Bill Clinton's release of two US Journalists is a joke. Yes, it is good that the women were released instead of rotting in prison for ten years. But even an evil munchkin like Kim Jong Il would have sensed the good press that would come from releasing the women, the sooner the better.

And let's not forget, this situation almost became untenable thanks to somebody else named Clinton who got in a nasty name-calling fight with North Korea. You don't think saving face was part of the Clinton's motivation? By now we know the Clintons don't do anything unless there is something huge in it for them.

This is exactly what Jesse Jackson did when he released the US pilot captured by Syria in 1983. It is just a transparent attempt by a rapidly fading politician to bolster his potential political status with a cheesy public relations move.

Both Syria and North Korea were aware of their justifiably horrible image in the United States, all they needed was a greedy opportunist, like Clinton and Jackson, to suck up to them and point out the great photo opportunity that had fallen at their feet. Clinton and Jackson, although as immoral, grasping and slimy as a horny starving alligator in a sewer, are quick to spot a good opportunity for self-promotion when they see one.

Don't get me wrong, I don't think the Clinton's are evil and would never do anything that is good. Getting these hostages released is a great example of a Clinton doing good. The Clintons, like I said, won't do anything - good or bad - unless there is something big in it for them.

Bill Clinton, like Jesse Jackson, is still an a-hole massive tool. Jimmy Carter's hostage release? Now that is a different story. Nobody has a right to question Carter's moral compass nor his good intentions, especially Clinton and Jackson.

Now to change topics . . .

You know that feeling you got, on a gorgeous warm late summer early evening, when you had reduced your ice cream cone to a mini-ice cream cone? It was just the very last inch of the cone with a small gorgeous melting last glob of ice cream on top. After admiring it as long as you could, you popped that into your mouth. Remember that feeling? It was, all-at-once satisfying, happy, contended and, yet, just a little bit sad.

That is the way a good song/movie/book should make you feel when it is over.

Which begs the question: why would anyone pay money to sit through "Orphan"? Right off the bat it stars three of the preternaturally creepy humans on the planet, Peter Sarsgaard, Vera Farmiga and that creepy kid who was cast specifically because she is so creepy.

All it is missing is that other creepy guy. You know, that guy who was in that creepy movie with that other guy? That guy.

If we hadn't put a man on the moon, what would we be comparing our crappy stuff to?