Friday, March 13, 2009

Here's the Fun Cooker, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

That’s old
Swindler Bernie Madoff could be sentenced to 150 years in prison. Do you realize, when he gets out, how old he’ll be? He’ll be as old as Larry King.

Get it?
An Indiana man was arrested for masturbating out by his mailbox. Police say the man wanted to show his neighbors “who was boss.” Apparently this boss was a total jerk-off.

Bringing new meaning to honor student
In Utah, two women teachers were charged with having sex with the same underage boy; or as that boy is known in Florida: an over-achiever.

Not good
This economy is so rough, you know “The Bachelor” Jason who dumped Melissa for Molly? Now he’s dumping Molly to the highest bidder.

How rough is it?
This economy is so rough, you know “The Bachelor” Jason? Today he started sobbing again, not over Melissa and Molly, he looked at his 401K.

Jeeze, pal
Amy Winehouse was charged with assault for punching a fan. How whimpy is that guy when a skinny drug addict like Winehouse can knock his lights out?

I knew it
The Department of Homeland Security is pursuing a study that claims an increase in human body odor determines if somebody is lying. See, I knew those cab drivers were lying about over-charging me.

In a related story, it appears the entire country of France is lying about something.

That explains it
Are you watching “Dancing with the Stars? Nancy O’Dell had to drop out. Not because she can’t dance, because she’s not a star. It’s not “Dancing with the Vaguely Familiar Gossip Show Host.”

Convicted dog-fighter Michael Vick’s suburban Atlanta 8 bedroom, 11 bathroom mansion went on auction for a minimum bid of $3.2 million and there were no bidders. How perfect is that? The economy is now even biting Michael Vick in the ass.

Could happen to anyone
Katie Couric is trying to interview Rush Limbaugh. Then I thought, didn’t Katie already do a probing in-depth interview of Rush Limbaugh? Then I remembered, no, that was the video of Katie’s colonoscopy. Easy mistake.

How bad is it?
Spring break is being hurt by the economy. Drunk female students are still flashing their breasts, but now it’s because they can’t afford to buy a blouse.

Since you asked:

HBO has a special on the Duke-North Carolina basketball rivalry. “Battle for Tobacco Road.” In the words of the great announcer Keith Jackson: these two teams just flat out don’t like one another. Duke is seen as a snobby and nerdy by North Carolina, the oldest state school in the country, and the elite Duke thinks North Carolina is a bunch of country hicks and rubes.

More channeling for Keith Jackson, when these two teams strip down to their a fightin’ togs, they bring a loooooad when they hit you and those big uglies flat out tote that rock to the peach basket, ladies and gentlemen.

This is where the term no blood no foul derived and even then sometimes its no foul when those Duke Cameroon crazies start acting nuttier than a moonshine shack rat on a full moon and shouting and making more of a ruckus than Uncle Zed’s mule Nellie when it got it’s tail caught in the laundry wringer.

Folks, now I been places and et in Hotels, but I ain’t seen nothing like when those Duke Blue Devils and those North Carolina Tar Heels set to bangin’ bodies against one another, it’s enough to make Picket’s ghost charge them damn Yankees again, I do declare.

(Polite applause building to a crescendo roaring ovation)

To put it in California terms, Duke and North Carolina make the USC-UCLA rivalry seem like “The Hills” Lauren and Heidi’s snit fits.