Saturday, March 14, 2009

Keepin’ it real real, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

That kook
You watch “American Idol”? Don’t you just love that cute little crazy Paula Abdul? She jumps up and down and sways back and forth. It’s like having a puppy that gets drunk.

Not nice
The show Sesame Street is laying off workers. And it is mean how they are doing it. They have the Count at the front door saying “One, two, three, four, four workers fired, ha ha ha.”

The economy is hurting spring break. Instead of going to Florida, Mexico or California, students are just doing Jello shooters in a tanning bed.

Big deal
The stock market was up today. That is sort of like Amy Winehouse doing one push up.

That would explain it
Did you see “American Idol”? Paula Abdul told the blind kid, Scott, playing the piano, she liked it when his hands were on his instrument. That must be how he went blind.

Midlife terror attack
Osama bin Laden turned 52 yesterday. You can tell Osama’s getting older, he declared a jihad on erectile dysfunction.

That’s what happens
An Indiana man was arrested for masturbating out by his mailbox. Police say they this is what can happen when the “Sports Illustrated” swimsuit edition arrives two weeks late.

Southwest Airlines is adding flights to Minneapolis; oh goody, now there are even more ways for Idaho Senator Larry Craig to get to the Minneapolis airport men’s rooms.

“People” featured pictures of Orlando Bloom taking his shirt off and canoodling with his girlfriend, Miranda Kerr. That is shocking. Orlando Bloom is straight? How did that happen?

Double standard
“People” featured pictures of Orlando Bloom taking his shirt off and canoodling with his girlfriend, Miranda Kerr. You notice only gorgeous movie stars are described as canoodling? You or I do it is called nasty groping to shouts of “Get a room.”

Not good
The Golf Channel has a show where Tiger Woods’s swing coach, Hank Haney, tries to fix Charles Barkley’s golf swing. How bad is Barkley’s golf swing? His last drive off the tee was so erratic, he got another DUI.

How bad is Barkley’s golf swing? His round is typically interrupted three times by ambulance crews attempting to resuscitate his downswing.

But Barkley is serious. Today he had Alex Rodriguez’s cousin inject steroids into his butt.

Since you asked:

The great thing about being undeclared as far as political parties go is that I am free to despise with equal intensity both bloated, sweaty and blochy political bullies and former swirlie and wedgie victims, Rush Limbaugh and Michael Moore.

It is a good indication what your political position is if you hate one or the other less. Because there is nothing worse than when a former dork and victim of endless bullies gains a modicum of power to abuse and they use it bully people back, ala Rush and Moore.

Basically, Rush Limbaugh is Michael Moore with a better tailor and a slightly better sense of hygiene. (Although, believe me, you don’t want to follow either one of these guys in an airplane bathroom, if you know what I mean)

Am I going crazy or wasn’t Rush Limbaugh recently all hopped up on hillbilly heroin, Oxycotin? Now he is the face of the Republican party? What is Ann Coulter? The hot flash of the face of the Republican party?

And does that make Nancy Polosi the scary fourth face of the democratic party? Seriously, Pelosi gets one more face lift and she is going to look more like Abraham Lincoln, if you know what I mean . . .