Saturday, April 14, 2007

It is hard out here

We gonna go all righteous on your narrow tookuseseses, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

How cold is it?
It has been cold. This morning I was shaking like Don Imus at a 50 Cent concert.

That’s a problem
A recent study has shown that 20 percent of women have answered the phone during sex. That doesn’t bother me. It’s when a woman faxes off a photocopy of her ass during sex that bugs me.

Fall back position
Don Imus “be an idiot” got fired from CBS. But don’t worry, if worst comes to worst Imus can always get work as a look-alike for the Muppets Sam the Eagle.

Whoda thunkit?
Between the Anna Nicole Smith baby sweepstakes and Don Imus, who could have imagined there would be two other people more idiotic in the news with the titles shock jock and Howard Stern?

Hold the MSG
China has announced they are going to crackdown on Internet porn. So now the only sixty nine available in China will be beef and broccoli.

Burly versus girlie
A study reveals that women prefer tough, burly, manly, muscular men when they are ovulating but only for a sex fling. For the long term women want a man who is gentle, kind, sweet, sensitive, reliable, considerate, neat and thoughtful. You know, gay.

Why didn’t I think of that?
Great news. I know how we can find Osama bin Laden: simply announce that Osama called the Rutgers women’s basketball team nappy-headed hos.

A sure sign
Britney Spears people denied that she is dating LA Laker Luke Walton. I’m not sure, after a poor three point performance last night, Luke shaved his head and checked into rehab.

Since you asked:

Sure, I know what you’re asking, you’re asking, Lex, how do you come up with all of those incredibly dumb, annoying, cloying, stupid, silly-ass more-than-slightly-gay but somehow still cute nicknames for your two Labradors, Wrigley and Kasey?

Well, like music and comedy and sex, the idea is to not let the brain get in the way of it. Not to get too crude, but you know the sounds you make when you, well, sit on a really cold toilet? You don’t think about them, they just come out? It’s kinda like that.

Oh, yeah, like you haven’t . . .

Wait until you see those big bright eyes shining and that furry tail wagging just because they are happy to see you and let ‘em fly. If it helps – or if you have to induce vomiting due to having ingested poison – here are some of my recent ones:

Pumpkin’ bumps




(Have you puked yet?)



Of course the always classic Monkey Pants

These are the names for both of the dogs together. Individually you must use more specific nicknames that are more appropriate.

For Wrigley that is Dunderheadeddog and No-sense-hassin’hound. For Kasey it is Miss Bitty-bear Boops and Inspector Kaseybabybear.

Don’t forget everything has at least one extra plural if not more. For example, Monkey Pants should be Monkey Pantseses.

Now get out there and make your family, friends and your neighbors sick.

Lex’s latest grilling tip:

Two words, Slateenos and Nuggetiases: Stubbs Beef (adding a third) Marinade. Oh, my goodness . . .

And, as always, when grilling beef or pork, use the lump charcoal on the Weber grill. Yes, I still loves me some my gas grill but charcoal for beef is better. Period. Sear with the lid off and finish with the lid on and the holes open.
The secret to my grilled sweet onions? Vodka. Yep, a splash of Vodka in the pan at the beginning and then do that cool thing where you tilt it to the gas burner to light it (be careful you’re not wearing a polyester Muumuu) and flip and get the cool blue flashy thingies happening.

Chicks will dig you, guys will wanna be you.

What to drink and what to listen to when grilling the beef and sautéing the onions? Kettle One Vodka, grape/cran juice with a splash of lime and the Rolling Stones “All Down the Line” from Exile on Main Street, their most underrated album.

‘Dey you go. Uh huh. Dat’s right. Go Cubs. Mets suck.

YouTube update:

Remember, if you haven't, you have to go to YouTube and search: Kassie kicks Monster's ass.

And then, search: The Ellen Degeneres Show - Smart Dog Retrieves Ball !!!

(The three exclamation marks were not my idea)

Whenever someone sends me their jokes, I know I am in for a total suck-fest when they add exclamation marks to illustrate how funny they are)