Wednesday, January 24, 2007

It is hard out here

We gonna find out what time it is up in this beeeeeyaahitch, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

US Weekly announced that Paris Hilton is going to lose her Nick Carter butt tattoo. They can’t completely erase the name so they’re going to change it from Nick Carter to Next Customer.

Sharon Stone's breasts have been nominated for Worst Screen Couple in this year's Razzy Awards. Not only that, but Stones bra was nominated as worst supporting actress.

So nasty
James Brown’s body has still not been buried yet. The man died on Christmas Day. It’s getting bad, he’s starting to smell like the Rolling Stones.

Go figure
Pfizer, the makers of Viagra, had to lay off 10,000 workers. Ironically, they just couldn’t get their earnings up.

Quality time
Dallas Cowboy coach Bill Parcells announced he is retiring. Parcells wants to spend more time with any family that doesn’t have Terrell Owens in it.

In the Indianapolis Colts comeback 38-34 win over the New England Patriots, Colts QB Peyton Manning set an NFL record for more commercials than completions.

Hillary Clinton is running for President and her slogan is “In it to win.” That’s funny, “In it to win” is also Bill Clinton’s Hooters slogan.

Stop it
Kansas Senator Sam Brownback is running for President announcing he is on the yellow brick road to the White House. So apparently he is going after the gay vote.

Babe magnets
A survey revealed that the women say the most dateable men jobs are doctors, architects and lawyers. What a shock, I thought the babes went after Blockbuster clerks, Radio Shack cashiers and Starbucks baristas.

A survey revealed that the most dateable jobs for men are doctors, architects and lawyers. The least dateable job? Kevin Federline’s personal assistant.

Lost in translation
Selma Hayek announced the Oscar nominations with her Spanish accent. Apparently two of the nominees are an actor named Wheel Smeeth and a movie called “Leetle Meese Soonsheen.”

So special
There is no football game this weekend before the Super Bowl, “Dream Girls” is in theaters and “Brokeback Mountain” is now out on DVD or Ryan Seacrest calls it: his dream weekend.

Brokeback Mountain is now out on DVD. It’s embarrassing for guys to rent. Your buddy catches you with it at the video store and you have to say “Brokeback Mountain”? Shoot, I thought it said “Brake pad Mounting” I’m putting new brakes in my pick up truck.

People are still wondering if Paula Abdul is out of it on “American Idol.” Like whenever Randy Jackson calls someone dog, Paula tries to feed them a Snausage.

If you get offended by dirty gay jokes stop reading now, but I love this one:

Gay guy walks into an old-school Manhattan butcher shop and orders two pounds of pepperoni.

Butcher asks him if he wants it sliced. Gay guy says;

“Just what do you think my butt is, a piggy bank?”

Since you asked:
Is it just me or is the chasm of humor and entertainment quality between the two “Saturday Night Live” shows, “30 Rock” and “Studio 60” growing very wide? In my humble opinion, and, for your information, this is about the only place where that counts for anything, “30 Rock” is getting funnier and “Studio 60” is getting more and more cumbersome.

Wasn't it the great Tina Fey who, when asked to describe the differance between the shows, replied it's the differance between "Hogans Heroes" and "Schindler's List"?

Remember the hard-learned Bill Cosby rule: you can take a comedy show way too seriously if you want, but it will kill the frog. Wait, I mean, you can disect a frog but then you kill the comedy. No, I mean, you can't kill a comedy by killing a frog unless the frog is Kermit, oh forget it. You know what I mean.

In fact, you could say that truth-in-advertising laws may force “Studio 60” to change its name to “Aaron-Sorkin-is-so-clever-that-an-idiot-like-me-can-barely-follow-the-razor-sharp-machine-gun-fast-dialogue-that-has-never-ever-occurred-in-real-life-outside-of-“West Wing.”

For me clever conversations on sitcoms can be as annoying as musicals, even if they are good, for the same reason: they don’t occur in real life. (See: any show that had the name Cosby in it)

As I’ve said, I get as weepy during “The Sound of Music” as the next guy, but how often have you been, let’s say, standing in line at the ATM when everyone spontaneously bursts out together in song and dance? Well, for those of you who don’t live in Greenwich Village, I mean.

That is the way the dialogue on “Studio 60” strikes me. Is it clever? Sure. Is it witty? You bet. Is it well written. No doubt. Could I write something as good? We both know the answer to that one, don't we? However, is it also unrealistic to the point of annoying the cr@p out of me? A kinda little bit.

Let me ask something: if making a television sketch show like “SNL” is as exhausting and time consuming as everyone says, why do the characters on “Studio 60” spend so much time doing other things, like looking for love in all the wrong places? Practicing endless spit takes? Spending half of their time at wrap parties?

No doubt, reality is boring and if the show was more realistic, it wouldn’t be as entertaining. But some of the lines from “Studio 60” land on the ground like the result of a camel with food poisoning. For example, that momentum killer from the one guy’s dad:

“Your brother is standing in a field in Afghanistan.”

Somebody had to clean that mess up. It is so bad it reminds me of that scene-chewing movie-killer Madonna in “League of Their Own.” "LOTO" is -as Grandma Rodgers would have said - a right cute movie and the momentum builds and builds until the dugout scene. The dugout scene where the guy running the league informs the team they are in jeopardy of closing and Madonna lets fly with her spew;

“I ain’t goin’ back to that strip joint to have guys sweat gin all over me, you hear? I says I ain’t.”

You can actually see the other actors thinking; “Whoa boy does she suck.”

Even Rosie O’Donnell. Remember back then when Rosie didn’t scare everybody half to death? That Rosie reminded me of a big, cute furry puppy.

Today's Rosie reminds me of Cujo.