Wednesday, December 20, 2006

It is hard out here

Let’s bust a knot upside the knotty-head of those playa haters, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

Not a good one
All the holiday specials are on TV, but some are better than others. For example I don’t think the Michael Richards special did well: “The KKK: Krazy Kramer Kwanza”

Better hurry
Only four days until Christmas. That means only three more shopping days to get Britney Spears some panties.

I did not know that
Happy 63rd Birthday to Keith Richards. Keith is preparing to play at a Christmas special. Keith is quite experienced at playing at Christmas specials, after all, he played at the first one.

Mark my words, if Keith keeps going, one of these years he is going to look his age.

Get it?
You’ve heard of Mel Gibson’s “Apocalypto”? There is another movie out about the ruin of an entire culture from Mexico, it’s called “Taco Bell-lypto.”

That explains it
A survey reveals that American-made condoms are too big for men in India; that explains the rush of women applying to emigrate from India to the United States.

Bad girl
DNA tests reveal that the stripper/accuser in the Duke Lacrosse team rape case had several male sex partners that same day before the alleged attack; she could be charged with lying to the grand jury and impersonating Paris Hilton.

Too tempting
“The Views” Rosie O’Donnell is in hot water for imitating fake Chinese by saying; “Ching chong ching chong chong.” Rosie has to be careful, if she keeps putting her foot in her mouth, she is eventually going to eat it.

A chauffeur threatened to kill Yoko Ono but it looks like he will walk, there are mitigating factors in his favor, namely Yoko would sing as they drove.

Double date
O.J. Simpson’s would-be-publisher, Judith Regan, was fired by her boss, Rupert Murdoch. But to show there were no hard feelings, Murdoch offered to pay Regan to go out on a double date with OJ Simpson and Robert Blake.

Nice to see for a change
There was a brawl at the New York Knicks Denver Nuggets game at Madison Square Garden; Punches were landed by both sides so it was exciting for the New York fans to finally see the Knicks finally hit some shots.

Why then?
O.J. Simpson’s would-be-publisher, Judith Regan, was fired by her boss, Rupert Murdoch. She was fired the week before Christmas. I mean she’s the one who wanted to publish O.J.’s murder book, couldn’t he have waited to fire her on Christmas day?

Ghost of the man in black
The Bee Gees’ Barry Gibb is buying Johnny Cash and June Carter’s Nashville home; Barry is having a problem moving in because some ghost keeps yelling; “Not the guy who sang “Stayin’ Alive. Nooooo. ”

A study from the U.C. Berkeley claims the human nose is better at smelling than we thought. In fact, the study discovered that the nose can actually smell marijuana a mile before it gets to Berkeley.

Enough already
The sixth Rocky is out “Rocky Balboa.” You can tell Rocky is getting up there in this one. Rocky wins his bouts by telling his opponents the same stories over and over until they quit.

The nose knows
A study from U.C. Berkeley claims the human nose is better at smelling than we thought. In fact, if a person is standing downwind of Kevin Federline, they can actually smell the abject failure.

No idea what he did with that
Happy Birthday, Keith Richards. People have wondered about Keith’s unique hairstyle. Keith used to take the money his parents gave him for a haircut to buy cigarettes, and then cut his own hair and he still does. No word on what Keith did with the money they gave him for skin lotion.

Nick the Knick
The NBA suspended seven players for a total of 57 games in due to the brawl at the end of a New York Knicks-Denver Nuggets game. In addition, the NBA penalized the Knicks even more: they did not suspend Isaiah Thomas, he can go on coaching. Come on, enough is enough.

Since you asked;
Can I say, after his hilarious stint as the host and musical host for “Saturday Night Live” that I officially remove Justin Timberlake from my list of “Things Lex Doesn’t Get.” He was damn funny as the dancing soup, the Hip Hop Kids and especially the Digital “D*ck In a Box.” That is up there in the “SNL” pantheon with Alec Baldwin’s “Schweaty Balls.”

Have to admit, I was unsure about “SNL” after Tina Fey left, but they are chugging right along as funny as ever. Strong, strong cast sans Sanz.

Let us review the current “Things That Lex Doesn’t Get.”

The “Monday Night Football” intro. Of all the things they could do they give us that?

High Definition Radio. What the hell?

Howard Stern. Never have got him, never will. He wants us to think he is doing the Don Rickles “I am a nice guy acting like a jerk” but in reality he is a real jerk acting like a nice guy who is acting like a jerk.

Sports Talk Radio. I should get this but I truly don’t. Maybe I don’t know which sports talk radio show to listen to, but all I’ve ever heard are hosts and guests who just love to hear themselves talk and show off how much they think they know.

Rite Aid. Why are they proliferating like cockroaches? One just opened up in our garage next to the Starbucks in our kitchen. The stores are ugly. The pharmacy is an “SNL” skit of snotty under achievers, the clerks are striving to be government workers. In general, it is how a store would be if it was run by the government. The DMV of drug stores.

“Lost” Please. “Gilligan’s Island” on blow.

“Dancing with the Stars” This may be a I-am-not-a-chick-or-gay thing.

Text messaging. I’ve said it before, I will say it again. Enough with the various methods of communicating, we all need to focus on increasing the quality of what we do say.

Scarlet Johanson. Ummm, almost there but nope.

Jessica Simpson. Man, I sure can see why you would get that, I just don’t.

Oprah. Don’t get me wrong, I think she is an amazing woman. But that whole Gayle and Steadman thing, where there is smoke there is an annoying celebrity. This definitely is a I-am-not-a-chick-or-gay thing.

Rosie O’Donnell. Didn’t that nasty court fight with that magazine she bought prove that she really is about as far from her overly hyped “Queen of Nice” image as she can be? Mark my words, in a year “The View” will be wishing they kept Star Jones. OK, maybe not that bad . . .

“The View.” See explanation for “Dancing With the Stars.”

Web Cams. “Hey, look at me, I’m a douche bag.” Again, too many ways to communicate without enough to say.

My Space. See: Web Cams.

Fantasy Football. I got that right until all my team had to do to make it to the finals was beat fairly easy 66 points. So what did they do? They took a collective nap on Sunday. Besides Peyton’s 24 points my five other starters averaged less than two points each. And that is after scoring almost 100 points last week. Gentleman, with the exception of Peyton and a poorly timed benched Laverneous “And Shirley” Coles, you have let down Thor’s Thunder and I am ashamed.