Monday, December 18, 2006

It is hard out here

You my Mondizzy road dogs, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

Really mooooving those cows. Oh, I kill me . . .
A study by the U.N. reveals that cars are not the biggest threat to global warming, cows are; in a related story, sales of hybrid cars have dropped. But sales of hybrid cows are way up.

Or something like that
“The Views” Rosie O’Donnell is in hot water with Chinese Americans for imitating fake Chinese by saying “Ching chong ching chong chong.” Ironically, ching chong ching chong chong is actually Chinese for “I am one big scary lesbian.”

Rosie O’Donnell accused Kelly Ripa of being homophobic for saying she didn’t know where Clay Aiken’s hand has been, but then Rosie fires off an insensitive bad imitation of over a billion Chinese. On the bright side, Rosie was invited to Mel Gibson’s Christmas party.  

Aucun problème
“The Views” Rosie O’Donnell is in hot water with Chinese Americans for imitating speaking Chinese by saying “Ching chong ching chong chong.” That is inexcusable, you just cannot insult and offend an entire country like that. Unless, of course, it’s France. That’s OK.

Not nice
A survey reveals that American-made condoms are too big for men in India; in a related story, many mean-spirited American men are walking into convenience stores, ordering the extra big Magnum Trojan condoms and yelling at the clerk; “Eat your heart out, Apu.”

What a whimp
How tough is Lance Armstrong? It turns out that Lance ran his first marathon in under three hours with a broken leg. Really, X-rays show that Lance’s shin was fractured when he ran the 26 plus mile New York Marathon. Today, I didn’t use the elliptical machine because of the hiccups

You know what Christmas movie I saw last night? “A Christmas Carol” with Alister Simms. I swear, when Jacob Marley cries over Tiny Tim, I weep like a guy who found out his girlfriend wants him to take her to “Dreamgirls.”

What is in a name? Plenty
Now that his buzz is growing, more information is coming out about charismatic Illinois Senator Barack Obama. For example, it has been reported that Obama’s middle name is Hussein. If true, that couldn’t be worse for Obama followers than if his middle name was “Red States Suck.”

Since you asked:
As the work-at-home-designated late-afternoon-Mr.Mom guy, I am now in an unfamiliar territory: Hosting play dates for one or more friends of my eight-year-old daughter, Ann Caroline.

There is one Mom who is the play date Master. You go pick up your kid at her house and she tells you;

“Oh, they had a great time. First we drafted a proposal for the United Nations peace resolution in the middle east, then it was arts and crafts where the girls made a saltwater desalination plant out of Styrofoam cups, and then – this is so cute – the girls put together a little musical sketch that, thanks to an old friend from college who works in the theater, is going to debut next year on Broadway.”

After I host a play date, I inform the play date master Mom that;

“Oh, the girls had a great time. At least it sounded like they did. I was in my office with the door closed on the computer trying to write more Paris-Hilton-is-a-stupid-skank jokes and playing online checkers and listening to the Stones and AC/DC on iTunes while they watched TV in the playroom. Then I think they put in a DVD which could have been “Deadwood” for all I know, because I didn’t check to see if it was appropriate, and then, when that was over, they watched TV again. Oh, and they ate fudge.”

The play date master Mom just stares at me like I just told her I had tried to convert them to Scientology.

Time here at a.L.b.B. to answer reader mail.

Dear Lex:

So, uh, you need any help there at your blog? I know Microsoft Word and Excel. Oh, and I make a mean after-work Margarita. Just ask Condi.

Your ol’ Winnetka baseball field buddy,

Donald Rumsfeld.

Dear Don:

No, thanks, we are good for now. But that reminds me, I could brush off that sketch I wrote by updating it with your final press conference at the Pentagon.

That’s the one where you grow increasingly impatient and angry with the reporters until you finally morph into the meanest substitute teacher of all time and the press is reduced to sniveling scared little kids. You even put MSNBC’s David Gregory in a time out. (Yes, I know he is the White House correspondent, but it would still work)  

Dear Lex;

Did, I, uh, leave anything in your car the other night?


Dear Whomever the hell you are:

Um, no, that wasn’t me, (cough), you got a ride home that night from the bartender, remember?

Dear Britney,

No, honey, you left them in my car. At first I didn’t know what they were since I haven’t seen a pair in so long,


Dear Lex;

I am writing my Christmas letter to send to everyone but I am having a problem. Do you know how to spell incorrigible, incarcerated, intoxicated, inebriated and unintelligible?

That would be a big help,

Lindsay Lohan

Dear Lindsay;

No, but I think you also left something in Paris’s car.